I'm Learning To Be Brave In My Beautiful Mistakes

30 Years Old. Restaurant Manager for Matthew Hartwell. Deaf due to explosion in the subway. Currently wears cochlear implants. (Explanation Here). Mother to Olivia Avalon Let me heal the wounds you've Held on to for all these years. Break the cycle, Break the chains, Cause love is louder than all your pain. Than all your pain.

[tessa-cross]

ellisbethany:

Bethany had had barely the time to even finish speaking before she saw the young woman moving at the speed of light around her feet, clambering this way and that, hands shooting out and closing around something so small she could not see. From her position in her heels, Beth wasn’t in such a position as to be able to crawling around on the floor, and whilst she wasn’t planning on scuffing her knees just to help a stranger, she couldn’t help but think that the young woman’s behaviour was at best….bizarre. She preferred not to think of the occasions where her phone had been misplaced and she’d been even more deranged in her hunt for the thing, and so instead she simply stood still until the woman seemed somewhat calmer.

And really, now that Beth thought about it, behaviour like this really wasn’t so bizarre. It was quite common to see people grappling in the dirt for lost dollar notes and keys fallen from pockets and bags. It was just that, in those occasions, she wasn’t standing directly in the centre of the kerfuffle. And then, almost as soon as she had started her search, the woman clearly found the object she was looking for. Though she couldn’t see what it was, Beth watched with mild interest as the woman slotted the object into place and adjusted her hair so the object, tiny as it was, was hidden from view. 

The woman’s flushed face said it all, and preferring to avoid stepping directly into a social faux pas, Beth merely skimmed her hair away from her face, giving the woman a few seconds more to adjust herself before she tried once again, to gauge a reaction from the brunette woman. “Right. And…are you okay now?” she asked hesitantly, gaze flickering around to the fact that they were standing just a few steps away from a busy New York road, some of whom were now staring at the young woman. “You have everything you need?”

“I’m okay,” Tessa was quick to respond, hands fidgeting some as she fought the nervous habit of playing with the very external piece she had just replaced. She could feel the heat spreading from her cheeks beyond to her ears and down her neck.  “I’m okay,” she repeated after looking around at the rush of faces around them, some slowly to give odd looks to the two standing there after her little fiasco. 

“Um, yeah, I just--” The situation was already awkward enough and dodging around what she had been looking for only made it worse. Finally she sighed and pulled her hair back to expose the processor, held on through the magnet part of the internal and the aid that hooked over her ear. “I didn’t have it on right, I guess. It slipped off and I can’t afford a new one so I threw my pride out the window and decided looking like I was crazy was worth it.”

[alexdiamonds]

need you now | tessa

[tessa-cross]

alexdiamonds:

He felt tired, frustrated, not with her but just their situation at large. It felt like they had had this conversation a million times, never really reaching any reasonable conclusions. Naturally that was his own fault - he had created this distance that had only made things worse and then closed the gap again and again just to tear it back open, he was the one that couldn’t articulate what it was he wanted from all of this.

He let her speak and simply let what she said hang for a few moments, stewing over it with his arms coming to cross over his chest - closing off a little bit, the exhaustion with everything creeping up on him because the circles were getting to be too much. “I want a do over, you know? I want this to not be so fucked up.” The words slipped out before he could catch himself or think of the little listening ears. “But that’s not going to happen.” He shifted on his feet. “So I guess what I can try to do is - I dunno. I want to try and make things better for you both. Whatever that entails. I want you to tell me how I can do that. Even if it’s never coming back. Just - let me give you what you need. Help you.” He searches her gaze, as even as he can be, given the circumstance though there’s a pain buried in it. “Please.”

A gentle nod showed just how much she agreed with his statement of a do-over, though she wasn’t sure deep down if they would want the same outcome. The curse didn’t seem to bother her, more than once she had let one or more slip out in frustration around the infant. It would be a surprise if her first word wasn’t one she shouldn’t know until her teen years. Now it was her turn to let him speak and get what he needed to off his chest. In the end she tipped her head back against the wall and shut her eyes.

“I don’t know, Alex.” She sighed, exhausted. “Things would have been better if we never broke up. If I didn’t wind up here. I want us. But we can’t go back and change that. You don’t want that.” Another deep sigh left her and she slowly opened her eyes. With what felt like took more energy than necessary she finally pushed herself up and returned Olivia to her co-sleeper. Bright eyes lingered on their sleeping daughter and then slowly lifted to him, her shoulders sinking in defeat. “I don’t know what is going to make things better. It’s not money, I won’t take it and you know that.” Whatever fear or anger that drove her physically away from him before now had dissipated in her exhaustion, the woman feeling more raw and vulnerable than she had in a long time. 

Slowly she made her way back to the kitchen area and closed the gap between the two. She remained silent while she moved around him, as if he were just another piece of furniture, and grabbed a roll of paper towels to clean up the mess she had created moments ago. It wasn’t until she knelt down and started collecting the ceramic shards that she spoke again. “I just---I don’t know, Alex. It’s not like I’ve been through this before. I don’t know what you want or need.” Her gaze remained on the mess as she made quick work of trying to clean it up, quiet for a long moment before suddenly clearing her throat. “....I didn’t ask to get involved with these gangs, I just want you to know that.” She looked up at him, hands cupped around a mound of paper towels as they sopped up the now cold coffee that had started to stain the cheaply made tiles. “I haven’t told anyone what you do or that you’re with the Diamonds. I just want you to know that, to know I wouldn’t do that to you.”

[alexdiamonds]

need you now | tessa

[tessa-cross]

alexdiamonds:

He wasn’t sure whether to believe her, knew she wouldn’t volunteer the truth even if he found his way there. If it was Hartwell, she had liked the man and was still close to Rosalie. That fact still grated on him quite a bit, something he couldn’t really combat, something he couldn’t really understand. He hadn’t believed she’d ever get involved in the Hearts - her distaste for the gang activity had always been palpable, and the gang warfare had literally scarred her for life. But then he had never believed Peter would be one of them either, and well - it was simply getting difficult to figure out what exactly was the truth anymore.

And Tessa was crying, the distance between them a gaping hole again. It should have told him something, really, that every time he came to see her, she started crying or looked terrified to even be in his presence. It begged the exact question she finally asked him, the whisper filling in the silence. 

He didn’t know how to answer, his face falling a little as he tried to figure out how to respond, looking down at the stained hard wood under their feet before he spoke up. “Because I miss you.” He admitted quietly. “Because you’re the only person who knows me that I feel like I can trust, so I need to tell you, because I can’t tell anyone else.” He shrugs quietly. “Because I feel like I owe you the truth after lying for so long.” He swallows, letting that hang for a few beats. “…Because I guess I can’t quite bring myself to stop wanting to see you and I’m selfish.” 

Because I miss you. The reaction couldn’t have been more split - A stab in the center of her chest that stole the air from her lungs an ugly mixture of longing and shock. She wanted that, wanted him to miss her and come back...But here she was pushing him away, fighting against herself to try and keep him away while at the same time selfishly wanting him to herself. She was being pulled in too many directions, drawn and quartered by her own thoughts and feelings.

“Then why leave me?” The words came quietly and what most likely was the calmest tone she had spoken in since his arrival. Slowly she found herself sinking down the wall until she was seated, Olivia still held protectively close. “You didn’t give it a chance. You told me and you ended things. You can’t---” Her eyes drifted down to the child in her arms, their daughter, the perfect combination of the two of them wrapped up in a bundle of innocence.  “You can’t leave me to raise her on my own and think she won’t make me think of you. She makes me think of cinnamon rolls and cheesecake, of masquerades and pools, of every time I cleaned you up and never questioned it.” Slowly her eyes lifted to him and she swallowed thickly. This was going to be their vicious cycle - A constant dance around the elephant in the room - And it seemed she had finally become too exhausted by it all to bother holding back any longer. What came next, in her mind, was obvious but still needed to be said and could provide the chance for them to finally come to terms with their situation, whatever that would mean. “She is a daily reminder that after all of this, even now, that I still love you. I love you, Alex, but you--” Tessa paused to find her voice but even then the words managed to catch in her throat. “You can’t move on if you keep doing this and at this point I don’t know what to do or what you want.”

[tessa-cross]

vincentxrossi:

While Vincent wasn’t exactly invested in the outcome of the Superbowl, it was still quality time spent with his family. They were big, they were loud and they loved finding reasons to pull everyone away from their busy, mundane lives to get together and catch up. Vincent looked forward to these events, but he always hated when they asked how his job was going. The pride in his father’s and grandfather’s eyes were almost taunting. He had yet to tell them he was stuck behind a desk and he didn’t think he could ever tell them.

Already they ran out of beer and the game had only just begun. Vincent had volunteered to head down the street to pick up the necessary beverages and haul them back - the first quarter was always the busiest. He was rounding the corner when he bumped into someone and immediately staggered back. “You’re fine, miss…” his voice trailed off as he watched her get down on the ground and search for something. In that instance he caught a glimpse of the implant and realized what she was looking for. “Here, let me help,” he said, getting down to help her search.

To any of those passing by Tessa looked on the verge of having gone mad - Swiping her hands around the sidewalk and mumbling to herself as she tried to catch a glimpse of the external piece. The movement of someone joining her caught her attention and she glanced up briefly, features an oxymoronic mix of relief and panic.

“It’s--It’s the size of a half dollar,” she offered, unaware of just how quiet her voice had become without the ability to hear herself entirely. The words were nearly lost in the noise around them but it didn’t matter. Shortly after her explanation she caught sight of the piece sitting between his feet and nearly lunged to grab it, audibly sighing once it was in her grasp. To her chagrin she realized how much she had invaded his personal space and scooted back, still half-crouching and seeming to make no move to stand until after she had the processor back in place. 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled and averted her gaze while fixing the boot behind her ear. “I wasn’t paying attention, are you okay?” Tessa finally looked back to him, hands still lingering near her ear. “Sorry, I just---I can’t afford a new one of these. You would think I’d be more careful and actually look where I’m walking tonight.”

[tessa-cross]

ellisbethany:

Her day had been spent in front of a laptop, headphones settled deeply in her ears as she stared at the press release that had landed in her inbox that morning, and that had not seen any real edits made the entire day. Which was, to say the least, very not good. The thing about press releases was that they had to be released sooner rather than later to ensure some genuine damage limitation. Put it out too early and you would be accused of pre-empting, put it out too late and you would be accused of only doing it ‘because you had to’. It was the fine line, and difficult to get right.

It was only minor wording edits, but none the less something about the release just didn’t sit right, and until she was proud of it, there was no way in hell she would put it out. Regardless, sitting and staring at a laptop screen whilst do nothing was hardly a productive use of her time, and so Beth packed up the laptop, sliding it in her bag as she locked up her office door before heading through to the elevator, and hitting her stride as she made her way onto the street.

Sliding her ID badge into her handbag as she rounded the corner, she wasn’t looking or even focussing on the street ahead of her as she collided into the woman on the street. It took Beth a good few seconds to focus back, to realise that she’d knocked into a woman, and that the woman was scrabbling around the floor looking for…something? A crueller person would have abandoned the woman in favour of grabbing a taxi home, but instead Beth found herself dropping to her knees in an attempt to help the woman. “Are you okay? Have you lost something?”

Tessa’s frantic search for the device, a technological make up of black and clear pieces, briefly clouded her other senses as she swiped her hands over the ground and dodged hurried steps of the still-busy New York walkway. Surprisingly she went without having any fingers crushed and only caught a few off-handed comments about being in the way - The rest were lost on her now deafened side. 

The other woman, a lone helper, wasn’t noticed at first as Tessa twisted this way and that on her heels. “Huh?” It finally seemed to register that, in the midst of everything around her, someone had spoken directly to her and it wasn’t to complain. With furrowed brows she looked to the source and opened her mouth to question what had been said but in that moment was when bright eyes landed on the familiar external lying in wait by the woman’s knee.

“Don’t move--” She practically lunged forward to snatch it off the ground, hands flying to both slip it in place and fix her hair around it. Just like that it was nearly hidden, only visibly when the locks shifted the right way and parted around the processor. It was then, after she was fully exposed to her surroundings, that Tessa came to realize just how ridiculous the entire ordeal looked. Immediately her face flushed and she moved to get up. “Sorry,” she mumbled and held out a hand to help the other up. “I, um...I dropped something and needed it before someone stepped on it.”

[alliecathayes]

alexandra daddario in maroon five’s ‘wait ‘video

[jroc78]

[tessa-cross]

[alexdvddario]

“Wait. Can you turn around, can you turn around?”

[alexdiamonds]

need you now | tessa

[tessa-cross]

alexdiamonds:

“No - I really can’t.” He knew that he could never really make her see the full picture. Some part of him was grateful she didn’t understand it all, didn’t see how this worked. Wren wasn’t exactly a cruel man (not to his members, at least), but he couldn’t have denied him, at least not in the moment. Some part in her words made him wonder, though - wonder if maybe he’d just been telling himself that to make this feel better, denying the truth that he almost wanted it. After all, without her, without anyone who really mattered left in his life in any tangible way, the Diamonds were all he had. 

The whole train of thought came to a screeching halt at her confession, put on hold for later at the words. I know who Sixes is. It made his stomach twist, uncertain because he had to wonder, distantly, how much else she knew, how close she was to the Hearts. Had it been like that all along? Had they gotten to her because of him? Or had he just been blinded (again), fooled because he’d loved her and not seen the truth of her connections that was right there in front of him.

I could if I wanted. The thought hit him but he didn’t dare voice it, more of a knee-jerk instinct that almost scared him in its cruelty. Instead he simply just looked at her for a few long moments, the teary eyes that looked full of fear, something that stung like it did every other time, even though his confusion and betrayal.

“Matthew Hartwell.” He posited instead, the realization striking him. She worked for the fucker, and some part of him had suspected Hartwells all along anyway. “It is him, isn’t it? Or was.” He swallowed, holding her gaze and trying to keep his face even. “I always thought it made sense.”

No matter how much she wanted to, there was no way out of the situation - She couldn’t run to another room (there wasn’t one), there was no slick way to remove the processors, and her slip of the tongue landed them at a topic that couldn’t just be brushed off. Slowly, without realizing it, she continued to back away and create space between the two until her back was against the far wall. Olivia had now quieted herself and taken to nuzzling against her mother’s collarbone but the woman made no motion to put her down. It was for a purely selfish reason: It kept her safe. The admission might as well have been a death wish but the child in her arms would keep Alex from doing the unthinkable if his new leadership position called for it - Or so she hoped.

“No.” The lie came quickly and she furiously shook her head. “You just never liked him. You--” The lump in her throat swelled and she did her best to swallow it down but there was no use in trying once her voice cracked and the words became stuck. Standing there with her eyes locked on him, no matter how blurry the wave of tears made his image, her ability to seamlessly lie was slowly shattering. The hands that kept Olivia close still visibly trembled despite their hold on the girl and Tessa blinked hard, opening the gateway for the tears to fall again. Their fresh streaks caused an immediate pang of guilt and self-hatred at how easily she found herself falling apart again. “You--” You need to leave. The words weren’t forming no matter how many times she tried to talk, more than once her lips moving and nothing coming from them. There was something else that needed to be said, something more important that she couldn’t bring herself to ask any other time he showed back up in her life. There was no telling when she would see him again, not after the confession, and now was as good as ever while she found herself tearing apart any foundation that remained of their relationship. 

“Why--Why do you keep doing this?” Even though she had found her voice it came out as a whisper, a far contrast to her nearly screaming moments ago. “Why do you keep showing up? You broke up with me, Alex.” This wasn’t any better of a topic than the last but she made herself stay on it. “The gifts, the visits, telling me all of that...Why?”

[songsinmyheadofficial]

Maroon 5 - Wait (Official Video)

[tessa-cross]

Let me apologize (yea) I'll make up, make up, make up, make up for all those times (all those times) Your love, I don't wanna lose I'm beggin', beggin', beggin', beggin', I'm beggin' you Wait, can you turn around, can you turn around? Just wait, can we work this out, can we work this out? Just wait, can you come here please? 'Cause I wanna be with you Wait, can you turn around, can you turn around? Just wait, can we work this out, can we work this out? Just wait, can you come here please? 'Cause I wanna be with you You say I'm just another bad guy You say I've done a lot of things I can't undo Before you tell me for the last time I'm beggin', beggin', beggin', beggin', beggin' you Wait, can you turn around, can you turn around? Just wait, can we work this out, can we work this out? Just wait, can you come here please? 'Cause I wanna be with you

@alexdiamonds

[alexandradaddari0]

[ladiesinfire]

[tessa-cross]

Closing the restaurant early was both a blessing and a curse - Her body ached from the long shift, but business was lost during the Superbowl, even if the latter was why they had closed so the employees could enjoy it on their own. 

The walk home would be brutal in the cold but being tight on money meant choosing between a cup of coffee for the walk or a taxi - The latter may have made more sense but her constant need for caffeine outweighed the logical decision. A quick text to Avalon not only let her know what was going on but also proved as a distraction. With one hand finishing the text she used the other to adjust one of the cochlear implants, rounding the still semi-busy street corner and clipping shoulders with someone walking the opposite way. 

“Damnit--” She looked up quickly and sighed. “Sorry, that wasn’t meant---” A sharp cringe cut her off and she shifted back a step, bright eyes darting around their feet. The hustle and bustle of the city still filled her left side though her right side was left in complete silence. Panic immediately set in and the woman dropped to her knees without explanation, frantically swiping her hand over the ground in search of the external piece.”Shit shit shit, no---No where are you...”

[travelerg]

Alexandra Daddario - InStyle & Warner Bros Golden Globes After Party   Los Angeles

[alexdiamonds]

need you now | tessa

[tessa-cross]

alexdiamonds:

He wasn’t sure what exactly he had anticipated. He had known it wasn’t good news, had known she certainly wouldn’t like it, wouldn’t take it quietly. Maybe that’s why he didn’t look at her, didn’t meet her eyes. He still didn’t turn when he heard the tell tale crash on the floor, though the ceramic hitting the floor made him flinch. Otherwise, he kept his eyes down still, a mix of emotions - shame primary among them.

He turned when he heard Olivia keep crying, ready to turn and go pick her up - the wails tugging on his heartstrings, painful, but Tessa was already moving toward her, leaving him lingering there in the kitchen doorway and watching with his expression set tightly.

“It’s not like I had much of a choice. It’s a gang, not a corporation. I can’t exactly say no, not to Wren Diamond.” Maybe he could have, maybe he could have just given Tenzin the reins and stayed back in what he knew. Maybe they’d all have been better off that way, but that train had definitely left the station. “It’s not ideal, I understand that.” Understatement of the century. “But I’ll - no one knows who I am. I’ll be able to stay safe, and I’ll have more connections that can look out for you too.” He moved closer - more in an effort to keep her voice lower. “I’m trying to make the most of this, I know it’s bad, but I just - needed you to know. Wanted you to know the truth, from me.”

“Yes you can, Alex. It takes more than one person to run a gang and Goddamned Wren Diamond runs half this fucking city - He can pick someone else!” It didn’t matter that the distance between them closed, Tessa’s voice remained raised. Nothing else around them seemed to matter now. This was the most the two had spoken since the break up, more than just clipped and awkward sentences though now she would gladly take that over his news. Some sick part of her wished he had kept her in the dark all along, kept up the guise and the lies if it meant not having this conversation - Though would that really be better than where they were now?

“More connections?” Thin brows pinched in and Tessa’s grip on Olivia instinctively tightened as her mind clung to the single word. “More? Who do you have now?” Her scoff was nearly lost behind Olivia’s whimpers. Her own emotions were whirling around in a fury and before she knew it words were flying out of her mouth, her own confession. “No one you have following me can keep me safer than I already have because I know who He is, Goddamnit! I know who Sixes is--” The words came to a screeching halt, her lips half parted as if more were ready to be said but all that came out was a soft sound. The painful realization of what she had just said set in quickly and she shifted back a step, eyes wide. In her arms Olivia had now become silent except for the occasional hiccup or whimper. The tears that had sprung to Tessa’s eyes earlier returned, but because of their argument. The mention of Sixes rushed the memory of unmasking him to the forefront of her mind, the memory of the phone call regarding Matthew’s death close behind. It took all of her effort to speak up again, lips moving a second before her voice finally followed, words catching around the knot that had formed in her throat. “I’m not telling you. You can’t make me.”

[tessa-cross]

thesilentstone:

“It’s good thing I bought that car seat, huh? I have yet to take it out of my car.” He said, looking to it as they closed in on the vehicle. Pulling out his remote and key, he pressed the button and it quickly unlocked. “Go ahead and get her in and I’ll put this in the trunk.” Tucker told her as he kissed her on the temple, giving her the love that he knew she needed at the moment. Alex and him had an agreement: to keep an eye on Tessa and the baby. Tucker was a liar, sure, but he wasn’t going to go back on a promise.

Hearing about the neighbors keeping her up, Tucker turned to her and raised a brow. “You can stay at my place, Tessa. You aren’t fighting some big fight right now. I’m not even saying for you, but for Olivia.” He said, getting the stroller into the trunk and closing it gently until it clicked. “I would be pissed about the jacket, but not because I bought it for her. I know it’s a warm jacket and she needs it. She’s so tiny, like a little puppy.” He stood by the door, waiting for Tessa to get into the car and make sure the baby was strapped in safely. “I’ve been alright. My mom’s arthritis is going nuts thanks to the cold so I got her one of those hand warmers that you boil to reset? She said it’s been working wonders.”

“Y’know, when she learns to speak I wouldn’t be surprised if she calls you dad.” The words came out before she realized them, bright eyes widening slightly as they registered. There was no smooth way to gloss over them and instead she chose the awkward solution of simply becoming quiet. A quiet nod acknowledged what he said and she went through the motions of settling Olivia in the car seat, double checking the fastenings by habit.

“Tucker--” She stepped back and quietly shut the car door, smiling weakly at him. “I can’t do that to you, you’ve done enough for us. It’ll calm down soon enough I’m sure. They can only argue about so much, right?” She didn’t wait for an answer and instead quickly slipped in to the car, glancing over her shoulder at Olivia while fastening herself in. “I’ve heard those are great, I’ve thought about getting them to keep at the apartment. The little puppy is taking after me - She loves it cold but wants to be layered to stay warm.” She laughed and glanced up at him, one corner of her mouth staying turned upwards in a lopsided smile. “How’s your mom doing otherwise? I keep meaning to talk to you about us going to see her soon enough. Olivia needs her unofficial grandmother, y’know. What about work? Is work going alright?”