De draadspanner

As the years pass, life reaffirms to me that being a strong woman is the right choice. This is the sign you've been looking for. You were meant to read these words.

[quiet-nymph]

[paper-wounds]

[paper-wounds]

via

[paper-wounds]

[perfectquote]

“To have someone understand your mind is a different kind of intimacy.”

— Unknown

[tessaislove]

I keep putting one foot in front of the other, because the alternative isn’t me. Feeling broken isn’t evidence of being broken. If I allow my feelings to dictate my every move, you would see a paralyzed Tessa. I force myself to act contrary to my pain.

[tessaislove]

I have not yet felt that deep, balanced sense of happiness that I used to. I don’t know that I ever will again. A table can stand with three legs, I know – but you cannot put too much on it before it begins to lose its ability to hold anything up the way it once did. The idea that I will be happy again one day breaks my heart, as if I could know, happiness without him. If you take one ingredient out of a perfectly balanced recipe, it will not taste the same. And yet the alternative – living in this dull and muddy mindset – makes me sad as well. I just miss that fuller state of happiness. I’ve come undone. The pieces of me are consumed with you. Where I once played the steady role of a solution oriented peacekeeper, this despair has forged an unintended letting go. I am not a happiness ingredient for anyone right now, though I remain a good listener and friend. I miss you desperately. I miss who I was when you were alive – that only by you being alive did she exist. I can’t imagine any other happiness equaling that. So what is happiness now, really? 

[tessaislove]

When I’m under a wave, I scream his name- loud and desperately. I bend over and gasp for every ounce of myself so that my scream exhausts me. I want to crack open the sky. I yell out for him in tones that I never had, like some wild and broken beast.

My love was fierce.

He shared his deepest fears and pain with me. His sensitivities and humility were a huge part of his beautiful depth. He let me in there.

He told me once that I was his dream girl. He wanted to see the world with me. He wanted to take care of us. He said he’d show me that he could.

That talk happened- just he and I. We locked eyes in silence then, too. He meant every word he said. 

[tessaislove]

Moving through life as grief moves through me has been so heavy. It's been heavy showing up in a reality where a part of me has also died.

[vexheart]

[tessaislove]

I don’t think I’ll ever tell anyone the full story.

[remanence-of-love]

[missinyouiskillingme]

[nixscriptum]

[laestrellaa]

[originalromanticsir]

I know and deeply feel this. And that distinction between knowing and feeling, matters enormously...

[inkpressedpetals]

[missinyouiskillingme]

No amount of time with you was ever enough.