Cell Phones Are Secret Warden Magic DAMMIT

The Texts of Warden-Commander Amell

[texthowe-blog]

To: NATHANIEL RENDON HOWE

[textamell-blog]

kahrintexts:

texthowe:

kahrintexts:

textcarver:

texthowe:

kahrintexts:

texthowe:

kahrintexts:

textanders:

texthowe:

i know we haven’t spoken in a while, i apologize, grey warden business

i merely wished to offer my sympathies. you have my number, as always.

Nate? It has been awhile.

I’m glad to hear from you, though. Thank you.

You should come visit. I’m at the keep, now.

DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT HOWE! HE NEEDS A SAFE SPACE AND HE WILL FIND IT HERE!

NOT EVEN THE FUCKING TIME!

(sent from my iTaint)

…it would be you. of course.

amell has told me of your “adventures” involving her liquor cabinet, the hawke boy, and a nug, cousland. i suggest if you wish no one else to know, you reconsider your last text.

THAT NUG WAS YOU…ER… YOURS.

IF YOU WISH NO ONE ELSE TO KNOW ABOUT THAT I SUGGEST KEEPING A LID ON THAT PUCKER OF YOURS, HOWE.

(sent from my iTaint)

i’m not completely sure why i should be ashamed of that, cousland

let’s be fair, you weren’t all that disappointing

WAIT WUT?

>:|

NATHANIEL RENDON FUCKING HOWE.

YOU DID NOT JUST…

(sent from my iTaint)

FILTHY LIES AND YOU KNOW IT.

YOU TAKE IT BACK. ARE YOU TRYING TO DESTROY EVERYTHING?

(sent from my iTaint)

CAN I NOT FALL INTO A DRUNKEN STUPOR FOR FIVE HOURS WITHOUT YOU TWO STARTING SOME BULLSHIT?

THAT'S IT, BOTH OF YOU PLAY NICE, WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE KEEP TO DRINK AND IF ANYONE GETS OUT OF LINE THEY'RE GETTING MIND BLASTED INTO THE NEXT AGE

THIS INCLUDES YOU, HOWE.

[textanders-blog]

To: Slania

[textamell-blog]

kahrintexts:

textamell:

kahrintexts:

textamell:

kahrintexts:

textamell:

textoghren:

kahrintexts:

textoghren:

textamell:

textoghren:

textanders:

I HAVE A MAJOR BONE TO PICK WITH WHOEVER DID THIS. NO PUN INTENDED, HERE.

SOMEONE DREW WHAT APPEARS TO BE PHALLIC OBJECTS ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF MY MANIFESTO.

START TALKING.

hahahahaha asschabz

OGHREN, IT’S NOT EVEN MIDDAY AND YOU’RE DRUNK?

IT HAD BETTER NOT’VE BEEN ANY OF MINE, I SWEAR TO THE SODDING ARCHDEMON

mite b hahaha

u alw az taek teh besst stuf

OGHREN! SHUT UP AND DRINK THIS GREEN STUFF WITH ME. LEAVE AMELL’S SHIT ALONE!

(sent from my iTaint)

k im al ovr th at

OGHREN THE PARAGON BLUE RIBBON IS FOR YOU, THE CRAFT BREWS ARE FOR ME

YOU DRINK IT SO FAST YOU DON’T EVEN APPRECIATE IT AUGH

OH SHIT, AMELL. THE PBR WAS YOUR? FFFFFF.

I’LL REPLACE IT I SWEAR. HELP YOURSELF TO THE GREEN STUFF. I HAVE TO HIT THE RIDE THROUGH TAVERN REAL QUICK.

THOUGHT THE ICE BOX WAS A FREE 4 ALL BB. :(

(sent from my iTaint)

NO NO THE PBR IS FINE IT’S THE OTHER STUFF THAT DOESN’T TASTE OF DARKSPAWN PISS THAT I GET UPSET ABOUT

IF YOU’RE GOING PICK UP SOME WINE OR SOMETHING, NATE’S MAKING SCOWLY FACES AT THE PHONE SO I’D LIKE TO BE PREPARED

OH SURE NO PROBLEM! IS AN ANTIVAN OK? IT’S ALL THEY HAVE. THIS PLACE HAS A SHITE SELECTION. NOT A TEVINTER LABEL IN THIS JOINT!

OH, AND I SWEAR I HAVEN’T TEXTED THE HOWE SINCE YOU TOLD ME NOT TOO!

(sent from my iTaint)

YEAH THAT’S FINE THE TATTOOED ELF DUDE GOT SOME LAW PASSED AGAINST THE GOOD STUFF SO WE’RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO MAKE DO

AND I KNOW, I ALREADY CHECKED HIS TEXTS, NO WORRIES

MAKER’S TAINT THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. I’LL WRITE FERGUS TOMORROW AND HAVE HIM SEND THE GOOD STUFF. I’LL TELL HIM IT’S FOR ME. SHHH! IT’LL BE OUR SECRET! THE ANTIVAN STUFF TASTES WORSE THAN THE JOINING CUP! MAY AS WELL CHUG A SEHERON WHITE.

THANKS BB! SO GLAD YOU TRUST ME!

(sent from my iTaint)

WARDEN NON-BROS FOR LIFE, YO

[textanders-blog]

To: Slania

[textamell-blog]

kahrintexts:

textamell:

kahrintexts:

textamell:

textoghren:

kahrintexts:

textoghren:

textamell:

textoghren:

textanders:

I HAVE A MAJOR BONE TO PICK WITH WHOEVER DID THIS. NO PUN INTENDED, HERE.

SOMEONE DREW WHAT APPEARS TO BE PHALLIC OBJECTS ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF MY MANIFESTO.

START TALKING.

hahahahaha asschabz

OGHREN, IT’S NOT EVEN MIDDAY AND YOU’RE DRUNK?

IT HAD BETTER NOT’VE BEEN ANY OF MINE, I SWEAR TO THE SODDING ARCHDEMON

mite b hahaha

u alw az taek teh besst stuf

OGHREN! SHUT UP AND DRINK THIS GREEN STUFF WITH ME. LEAVE AMELL’S SHIT ALONE!

(sent from my iTaint)

k im al ovr th at

OGHREN THE PARAGON BLUE RIBBON IS FOR YOU, THE CRAFT BREWS ARE FOR ME

YOU DRINK IT SO FAST YOU DON’T EVEN APPRECIATE IT AUGH

OH SHIT, AMELL. THE PBR WAS YOUR? FFFFFF.

I’LL REPLACE IT I SWEAR. HELP YOURSELF TO THE GREEN STUFF. I HAVE TO HIT THE RIDE THROUGH TAVERN REAL QUICK.

THOUGHT THE ICE BOX WAS A FREE 4 ALL BB. :(

(sent from my iTaint)

NO NO THE PBR IS FINE IT’S THE OTHER STUFF THAT DOESN’T TASTE OF DARKSPAWN PISS THAT I GET UPSET ABOUT

IF YOU’RE GOING PICK UP SOME WINE OR SOMETHING, NATE’S MAKING SCOWLY FACES AT THE PHONE SO I’D LIKE TO BE PREPARED

OH SURE NO PROBLEM! IS AN ANTIVAN OK? IT’S ALL THEY HAVE. THIS PLACE HAS A SHITE SELECTION. NOT A TEVINTER LABEL IN THIS JOINT!

OH, AND I SWEAR I HAVEN’T TEXTED THE HOWE SINCE YOU TOLD ME NOT TOO!

(sent from my iTaint)

YEAH THAT'S FINE THE TATTOOED ELF DUDE GOT SOME LAW PASSED AGAINST THE GOOD STUFF SO WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO MAKE DO

AND I KNOW, I ALREADY CHECKED HIS TEXTS, NO WORRIES

[textanders-blog]

To: Justice? Anders? Whatever

[textamell-blog]

textanders:

textamell:

textanders:

I SWEAR TO THE MAKER IF I SEE ONE MORE PONY IN MY INBOX-

JUSTICE DOES NOT APPROVE OF THESE FOUL CREATURES.

WHAT? WHY? COULD YOU WRITE ME A MANIFESTO ON WHY PONIES ARE UNJUST BECAUSE I'M NOT SEEING IT

WAIIIIIT DIDN'T CULLEN LIKE PONIES? SHIT, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT. WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, SORRY BRO(S)

[textanders-blog]

To: Slania

[textamell-blog]

kahrintexts:

textamell:

textoghren:

kahrintexts:

textoghren:

textamell:

textoghren:

textanders:

I HAVE A MAJOR BONE TO PICK WITH WHOEVER DID THIS. NO PUN INTENDED, HERE.

SOMEONE DREW WHAT APPEARS TO BE PHALLIC OBJECTS ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF MY MANIFESTO.

START TALKING.

hahahahaha asschabz

OGHREN, IT’S NOT EVEN MIDDAY AND YOU’RE DRUNK?

IT HAD BETTER NOT’VE BEEN ANY OF MINE, I SWEAR TO THE SODDING ARCHDEMON

mite b hahaha

u alw az taek teh besst stuf

OGHREN! SHUT UP AND DRINK THIS GREEN STUFF WITH ME. LEAVE AMELL’S SHIT ALONE!

(sent from my iTaint)

k im al ovr th at

OGHREN THE PARAGON BLUE RIBBON IS FOR YOU, THE CRAFT BREWS ARE FOR ME

YOU DRINK IT SO FAST YOU DON’T EVEN APPRECIATE IT AUGH

OH SHIT, AMELL. THE PBR WAS YOUR? FFFFFF.

I’LL REPLACE IT I SWEAR. HELP YOURSELF TO THE GREEN STUFF. I HAVE TO HIT THE RIDE THROUGH TAVERN REAL QUICK.

THOUGHT THE ICE BOX WAS A FREE 4 ALL BB. :(

(sent from my iTaint)

NO NO THE PBR IS FINE IT'S THE OTHER STUFF THAT DOESN'T TASTE OF DARKSPAWN PISS THAT I GET UPSET ABOUT

IF YOU'RE GOING PICK UP SOME WINE OR SOMETHING, NATE'S MAKING SCOWLY FACES AT THE PHONE SO I'D LIKE TO BE PREPARED

[textanders-blog]

To: Everyone

[textamell-blog]

textanders:

I SWEAR TO THE MAKER IF I SEE ONE MORE PONY IN MY INBOX-

[textanders-blog]

To: All Contacts

[textamell-blog]

textoghren:

kahrintexts:

textoghren:

textamell:

textoghren:

textanders:

I HAVE A MAJOR BONE TO PICK WITH WHOEVER DID THIS. NO PUN INTENDED, HERE.

SOMEONE DREW WHAT APPEARS TO BE PHALLIC OBJECTS ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF MY MANIFESTO.

START TALKING.

hahahahaha asschabz

OGHREN, IT’S NOT EVEN MIDDAY AND YOU’RE DRUNK?

IT HAD BETTER NOT’VE BEEN ANY OF MINE, I SWEAR TO THE SODDING ARCHDEMON

mite b hahaha

u alw az taek teh besst stuf

OGHREN! SHUT UP AND DRINK THIS GREEN STUFF WITH ME. LEAVE AMELL’S SHIT ALONE!

(sent from my iTaint)

k im al ovr th at

OGHREN THE PARAGON BLUE RIBBON IS FOR YOU, THE CRAFT BREWS ARE FOR ME

YOU DRINK IT SO FAST YOU DON'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT AUGH

[textanders-blog]

To: All Contacts

[textamell-blog]

textoghren:

textanders:

I HAVE A MAJOR BONE TO PICK WITH WHOEVER DID THIS. NO PUN INTENDED, HERE.

SOMEONE DREW WHAT APPEARS TO BE PHALLIC OBJECTS ALL OVER THE INSIDE OF MY MANIFESTO.

START TALKING.

hahahahaha asschabz

OGHREN, IT'S NOT EVEN MIDDAY AND YOU'RE DRUNK?

IT HAD BETTER NOT'VE BEEN ANY OF MINE, I SWEAR TO THE SODDING ARCHDEMON

[textamell-blog]

To: Everyone

DOES ANYONE REMEMBER THIS GUY? 

WHAT AN ASSHOLE. STEN WAS MAD FOR DAYS.

[kahrintexts-blog]

To: Slania

[textamell-blog]

kahrintexts:

textamell:

kahrintexts:

SORRY MY BANDWIDTH WAS ALL USED UP ON THAT LAST POST. YOU KNOW HOW THESE TAINTED SERVICE PROVIDERS ARE.

SWEETNESS, Y U HATIN’? YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU. CAN WE JUST KISS WITH A FIST AND MAKE UP? SAVES A LOT OF TIME AND PER-TEXT FEES.

(sent from my iTaint)

HI. NATE’S CHEERED UP SOMEWHAT BECAUSE I LET HIM PLAY WITH HIS DAMN BOW WHILE I STOLE HIS iFREEDOM WE JUST GOT

BEYOND THE WALL OF INSULTS I NOTICE YOU SEND A LOT OF QUESTIONABLE TEXTS HIS WAY, ESPECIALLY FOR A COUSLAND, WHAT GIVES WOMAN

iFREEDOM? HUH.

NOTHING GIVES, SLANIA. NOT TO GO ALL SCHOOL YARD, BUT HE STARTED IT. SOMEDAY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET PAST THIS COUSLAND/HOWE PISSING MATCH.

IT’S ALL IN GOOD FUN. YOU KNOW YOU’RE MY GIRL AND I’D NEVER SHIT IN YOUR LITTERBOX. SEETHING RAGE ISN’T REALLY MY THING. I’D PREFER A NICE QUIET SCOWL WITH A BIG SWORD MYSELF. TO EACH THEIR OWN I SUPPOSE.

(sent from my iTaint)

IT'S WHATEVER. I'M BLOCKING YOU ON HIS PHONE, NO OFFENSE SWEETNESS BUT IF I WALK IN TO ONE MORE SCOWL FEST MY HEAD'S GONNA EXPLODE AND COUSLAND/HOWE APPARENTLY DOESN'T MIX, DESPITE WHAT I WAS LED TO BELIEVE FROM MUCH OF ISABELA'S FRIEND-FICTION.

[kahrintexts-blog]

To: Kahrin

[textamell-blog]

kahrintexts:

SORRY MY BANDWIDTH WAS ALL USED UP ON THAT LAST POST. YOU KNOW HOW THESE TAINTED SERVICE PROVIDERS ARE.

SWEETNESS, Y U HATIN’? YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU. CAN WE JUST KISS WITH A FIST AND MAKE UP? SAVES A LOT OF TIME AND PER-TEXT FEES.

(sent from my iTaint)

HI. NATE'S CHEERED UP SOMEWHAT BECAUSE I LET HIM PLAY WITH HIS DAMN BOW WHILE I STOLE HIS iFREEDOM WE JUST GOT

BEYOND THE WALL OF INSULTS I NOTICE YOU SEND A LOT OF QUESTIONABLE TEXTS HIS WAY, ESPECIALLY FOR A COUSLAND, WHAT GIVES WOMAN

[textanders-blog]

To: Fenris

[textamell-blog]

textanders:

textfenris:

textanders:

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHO DID THIS

WHAT I DO WITH MY FREE TIME IS MY BUSINESS

WHAT— MAGE?

DON’T EVEN START WITH ME YOU WERE THERE TOO WITH JUSTICE

YOU WERE HORRIBLY DRUNK THOUGH BUT DON’T YOU REMEMBER THIS AT LEAST

WHY IN THEDAS ARE EITHER OF YOU ASHAMED OF ANY OF THIS

[textzevran-blog]

To: Amell

[textamell-blog]

textanders:

textamell:

textanders:

textamell:

textanders:

textzevran:

SO I NOTICED A SAD LACK OF DANCING AMONG YOU KIRKWALL FOLK. THIS SHOULD BE RECTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.

I DUNNO WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

ANDERS YOU FORGOT THIS ONE FROM THE WARDEN ARCHIVES

DAMNIT AMELL I THOUGHT WE HAD AN AGREEMENT NEVER TO SHOW THAT AGAIN

AND I THOUGHT WE HAD AN AGREEMENT TO AT LEAST LEAVE A NOTE IF YOU’RE GOING TO EAT TEMPLARS, SO WE’RE BOTH IN THE WRONG HERE

THAT SAID, ONE MORE PUPPY EYES GIF AND I MAY MAKE SURE IT NEVER REACHES WEISSHAUPT.

WHAT ABOUT THIS

DON'T TELL NATE YOU KNOW HOW HE GETS

[textfenris-blog-blog]

To: Everyone - Reunions

[textamell-blog]

textfenris:

textzevran:

textfenris:

VARANIA IS STILL A BITCH.

And this is precisely why family is a waste of your time.

Come, let us be orphans together. We can cry into Wynne’s surprisingly shapely bosom.

I WAS GOING TO SHARE THE AGGREGIO WITH HER. I WAS A FOOL TO TRUST HER.

I TOO LACK A FAMILY, OTHER THAN HAWKE. I'M SURE YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW THIS PAINS ME.

[textzevran-blog]

To: Amell

[textamell-blog]

textanders:

textamell:

textanders:

textzevran:

SO I NOTICED A SAD LACK OF DANCING AMONG YOU KIRKWALL FOLK. THIS SHOULD BE RECTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.

I DUNNO WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

ANDERS YOU FORGOT THIS ONE FROM THE WARDEN ARCHIVES

DAMNIT AMELL I THOUGHT WE HAD AN AGREEMENT NEVER TO SHOW THAT AGAIN

AND I THOUGHT WE HAD AN AGREEMENT TO AT LEAST LEAVE A NOTE IF YOU'RE GOING TO EAT TEMPLARS, SO WE'RE BOTH IN THE WRONG HERE

THAT SAID, ONE MORE PUPPY EYES GIF AND I MAY MAKE SURE IT NEVER REACHES WEISSHAUPT.

[textzevran-blog]

To: Zevran

[textamell-blog]

textanders:

textzevran:

SO I NOTICED A SAD LACK OF DANCING AMONG YOU KIRKWALL FOLK. THIS SHOULD BE RECTIFIED IMMEDIATELY.

I DUNNO WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

ANDERS YOU FORGOT THIS ONE FROM THE WARDEN ARCHIVES

[textloghain-blog]

RE: ORLAIS MISSION

[textamell-blog]

textloghain:

Sparing me wasn’t a chance at redemption, was it. 

I see what the true purpose was.

IT WAS KEEPING ME ALIVE TO SEE THIS DRIVEL. 

LOGHAIN! WE ALL MISSED YOU, MINUS ALISTAIR BUT YOU KNOW.

HOW WAS ORLAIS? WAS IT LIKE THIS? I SODDING HOPE SO.