I am a 29 year old man, I have a wife, a son, no job, and no real direction. I enjoy punk rock music, skateboarding, and video games. I have been depressed for the past nearly 10 years, but you wouldn't believe that if you knew me. I'm a rather happy guy while I currently have no job I never find it hard to get a job, it's keeping it that is the difficult part. It's usually a mix of boredom and a shitty company that fucks it up. More so my fault then the company. My son was born to my ex girlfriend who is the Bain of my existence a drug deal/addict that is nothing but a fucked up excuse for a human being. My son is lovely kid, polite, smart, funny and very handsome but is emotionally harrased by his so called mother. My Wife is an amazing human being on the other hand we have been married for a little bit and together a bit more then that (keeping names and dates out of this to keep anon) and I truly love her with everything I have. It is because of her I am here writing this because I want to be better for her. I feel I don't deserve her. With saying that we do have our problems like every couple but, I love her. My family on the other are mostly a bunch of arseholes making my life a cavelcade of embarrassing fucked up moments that led to me thinking/feeling I am worthless. I on the other hand try to lead a good life. I have in the past gone through a lot of trouble with the law from commiting break and enters to theft to a few minor cases of fraud for financial gain. Most of which I have been tried for and found guilty of. Some of those I haven't been caught for and no one knows about. I feel completely worthless and feel like a coward because I cannot own up to my faults I cannot admit to my loved ones that I need help that I am drowning in debt and I need HELP. I have thought of suicide a few times but never more then a fleeting thought. "What if I did just end it?" "Nah fuck that I'd miss people to much." Kind of conversations in my head. I have thought of just running away. Packing the car and just leaving. Starting over. Taking someone's identity isn't really that hard. But then I think what would my wife think? What would my son think? You see my biggest thing in life is that I care too much about others. My wife wanted to go on a decent vacation. I took out a loan I knew I couldn't pay back. I wanted to take my family on a road trip. Guess what? Another loan. We need to pay bills. Another loan. It never ended. I'm good at twisting the truth to make people feel sorry for me. That probably my biggest talent. Which let's face it really isn't a talent. But I think that's were I'm going to leave it tonight. Catch ya later.
