This is my diary and in-the-moment thoughts @tha-illiad-blog - Tumblr Blog

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I’m very close to relapse and I fear for myself and what I think daily. But at the end of the day, it sounds like a dream from what I want,,

The elusive state

There becomes a time, a state of consciousness, that is somewhat altered by the interacts I review. I process every happening late, post-experience, in a monotone-ish and bland view. Giving up on my emotional attachment to the situation and scenario, it gives me a realistic understanding of a part of myself and the others around me-- the outlook of life. But we all have this and I am not more or less than substance that is scattered through the un-imaginable. All these thoughts about my own perception of my personality, my interactions, the nature of my spirit mind and body, all gives me hope while puts me in a niche corner that no one will comprehend until they are forced to look at it in the eyes.

The demons inside all of us are running, I just hope the leash can get tighter and my bond between it becomes stronger.

I’m a little worried about the progress I’ve made and the steps I’ve lost to get here. No one can create steps to move forward without giving something to a dark spot that will not return. Pray

I love this internet business and making people feel connected to me after one deal. I love having people trust me, I know I’m not fake and not gonna swoop their money and run, that shit stupid as fuck. You need the money that bad do what you said you would.

The other side of the coin is that people don’t trust me right away. I always have to prove myself to them one way or another, but it always works in my favor. Love/Hate.

I’ll try to fix all these kids’ minds about doing deals online and spending money. Finessin’ the most common shit online, and it doesn’t hurt your image. But, be careful who you scope. You don’t know who knows who. Thank goodness for past Rylee, you watched for YEARS on this scene so present Rylee could really put everything to work and HELP others, not HURT and ABANDON the people who look up to you.

I don’t have idols no more that shit really ruined my idea of happiness when I got smart enough and figured people out.

I 100% believe that I have a purpose at the moment. I’ve never been able to think of what I can do in this life to make a difference but I’ve come to terms of what that thing is. I hope one day, everyone will be able to see the good in me, rather than who I am at face-value. You won’t understand what I’m doing, but you’ll know why I’m doing it, and can hopefully accept that I am giving myself up for those who are in need.

Everyone has plans that are set in motion, everyone is scrambled trying to set themselves up for success. I’ve observed people, their tendencies, their communication, their aura, their resolves, their mindset, and much more, for the last 20+ years. I’ve blocked myself off from being read like that for the past 6 or 7 years, and it’s finally time to start using my knowledge and abilities to set shit up.

Ever since the homie got what he worked his whole life for, I really dove into my own thoughts, my personality, my strengths n weaknesses, as well as my upbringing. I can see the dots, the connections, the route that he took. His life set in motion, from the time he was born to today, has been one big idea. And he ran with it.

It’s really crazy, to look at the physical world as one big spiders web. Starting local, branching out, going from different parts of town, different people, different ideas, and digesting and making sense of it all. Then taking off with your idea, that everyone has shaped within you, to the next level. When you finally get to leave and really start shaping the idea yourself. You take it all in, for better or worse, and can truly, be yourself. (Or you can just fake it for whatever reason you choose but that just means you gotta be convincing as fuck, sly, 5 steps ahead and have a strong mind to separate your body/lifestyle from your spirit and mind; Defining them as two separate things entities rather than just two separate parts of yourself).

All my friends go to bed earlier than me I need to fix my schedule this shit depressing

One day I wanna be taking drugs inside a Korean night club not understanding a word what people are saying around me but everyone is just having a good time

I’m in a rabb.it call with some of my favorite artists and we’re just watching people getting caught in the moment lol shit is wild is this what fame is like because I’m loving this

I believe

I believe in you

I believe in myself

I believe that we can all change

I believe that we can all stay the same

I believe we can hold onto memories without them hurting us

I believe we can let go of time, places, people, and toxicity without struggling through depression, anxiety, fear, and misery

I believe in all this, but that doesn’t mean we won’t go through it. I just hope everyone can stay strong enough to prosper. I personally refuse to hate anyone, I refuse to be negative unless deserved, I refuse to close my door and hold my baggage. I refuse

I’ve always given everyone 2 chances. The first one for when they fuck up, I understand. Everyone does. Do some shit again, you won’t see me ever. Burn me once type, it’s what I grew up on

In other words, the past few days have been going well. I currently work 4 jobs, 2 of which are amazing, the other 2 pay pretty well for part time. I’m making a lot of money and putting everything right back into myself and my life. I’m currently building a studio with my friends, hopefully to get everything we need to start up a project and start dishin out some music. I don’t know about EVERYONE else, but I’m so focused on this I couldn’t care less about anything else. I would do anything to continue my music and to start getting paid to make/design/mix&master for people. I hopefully can start getting into this business and eventually start DJing for local shows and just live the life I see for myself.

I believe in all of you, I hope we can all find our way

Life really hurts sometimes. No one can feel someone else’s pain, no one will ever know how anyone feels. It only makes things worse when you try too hard. To try and understand what they’re going through is so friendly, so helpful, but in the end it really doesn’t matter unless they’re the reason the void is filled and to temporarily solve the problem. Nothing goes away until you dive deep into it. Nothing will ever solve itself. My mother always told me patience is a virtue in you, but be careful. It fucks me up with her foresight, but it fucks me up more on how much I neglected her words.

I want to know how to connect with people. People who are actually moving in the direction I am. To find someone like that takes blindness, focus on yourself and your goal and nothing more. I wish I did more and typed less. I wish I did more and said less. I wish I did more and thought less.

If something were to ever happen to me, I just hope I don’t leave a bad taste in anyones mouth. I tried so hard to just accept life and be happy regardless of what happens but fuck is it hard now. I’ve ghosted countless people, completely left them without a word. No goodbyes, No explanation, Nothing. I hope people can find out the truth of my life when I’m not here. That’s my biggest fear. So I write and write online to one day have someone go back and show my family what I was writing about. I really have lost my mind at times. I didn’t make some expectations. I didn’t live any ideal life. I haven’t done anything amazing. But that’s alright, I’ve lived my life.

Nothing is going to happen to me, not until I’ve done what I’ve been destined to do.

I can’t believe some people expect something of me. It blows my mind. I’ve beat so many statistics and everyone still expects me to do something so fucking crazy. But you know what, fuck it. I’m tired of being normal. I’m tired of doing everything between the lines. I’m tired of my job, I’m tired of my thoughts, I’m tired of my mentality, I’m just tired of my life at the moment. I guess this is why everyone famous says it’s a grind.

I really can’t believe I’ve let myself go this far. I knew it was in my blood but damn you really just going all out.

Friend of mine who gets anxiety when smoking weed said it feels like his demons are coming out and fighting him and after 30 minutes or so he wins the battle between him and them. Really interesting.

I’ve been so worried about keeping up a face for no reason other than intimidation of showing people who I truly am. I’m worried that when I do so I can’t go back and I’m stuck in a mindset.

I hope you can forgive me Rylee.

Everything’s OK, I just need some clear space

I’m ok, everything is going to be ok.. I’m alright, I’m safe, I have a place to sleep, I have food, I have money, I have luxuries. I got fucked up from everything that happened in the beginning of the year, and I did some shit I’m not proud of. But god damn, I am where I am, I am who I am, I know I’m going to be ok. The simplicity of change is detrimental until a singularity. I’m actually happy right now, I’m in a position to see who actually cares about me. As much as these drugs take control of you, they give you a lot of insight. I see the addiction, I know I have one, I know I shouldn’t and how much it hurts others to watch me, but doing this bender has helped me in so many ways. I’m so thankful for what I have and what I can get out of life. In the end, if I don’t take it, I won’t get it. Get it how you live or change your lifestyle.

I found out it wasn’t even her lmao, looking at myself last night from todays point of view is funny. I looked through some pictures and she looked better in my head. I think I feel in love with the lifestyle rather than her. I’m happy we’re not together because that wasn’t even me. I’ve neglected so many people in my life because I’ve been searching for so much more when everything that I need is literally right in front of me, but I was just too curious to accept it.

I don’t know where to start or go from here but I know I’m headed in the absolute right direction. Going to Orlando on the 8th, getting back on the 15th and being in a very very close friend of mines’ wedding. Making good money, making music and, reluctantly, starting to understand what I want to make.

Exploration is great, it shaped my life in so many ways. It gave me a chance to see what else I would want to be, even though it wasn’t me. Even though I tried, I cried and was disappointed, it’s for the better.

One day I won’t need this, hopefully I’ll go back to being Rylee, because that’s not who I am right now. I’m a whole different person and I’m trying to express this and have others who feel as I do be able to find comfort in my music and myself.

I might sacrifice myself to the music just for an ear and a heart,

But I won’t give up even if I find myself.

That’s a promise to Rylee

2 perkys and a xan thats a sleeping bag