For Your Eyez Only

[samdashh-deactivated20210615]

all I want in life is financial stability, consistent kinky sex, and good food.

[lsleofskye]

2%

[itslatingirl]

[arabwife]

I respect a man who is vocal. Tell me why you’re into me. Tell me why I pissed you off & tell me how I can fix it. Tell me everything. Talk.

[thaoweee]

I think I’ve already made my decision. Convincing myself will probably the be hardest part. A big part of me doesn’t want to execute it.

It’s always a struggle between what we want and what’s the right thing to do.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to you about it. Your perspective of how I handle situations like this would be helpful.

[thaoweee]

It’s been so long since I’ve even thought about this page; since I’ve wanted to talk to you.

I haven’t been this sad since you left. The pain is still there, just buried deep deep down there. I’m starting to think this hurts more than that feeling.

I don’t know what I want to say to you.

I found someone who loves me more than you did. Someone who cares for me than you. But Im not happy. I don’t want to be selfish. That’s the right thing to do.

I wish I didn’t always have to do the right thing.

#8/19/21 0056

[thaoweee]

I haven’t been able to sleep thru the night these last couple of days even when you’re right next to me. My mind keeps racing. My heart feels heavy. I’m overthinking about ridiculous stuff. I want it to stop.

We’re on this relaxing vacation and all I can think about are negative stuff. I wanted to use this opportunity to escape life. I needed this break. Nothing seems to work. We only have a couple of days left in Canada before we go back home and I’m terrified. I don’t want to go back. Reality is a bitch right now. I wanna cry just thinking about it. I want things to go back to how it was a year ago. I’m exhausted. I need a major break from reality, life in general. Idk what’s going to happen when we go back. Between us and work, It scares me. Im so sad.

[thaoweee]

My heart hurts but I have to put on an act for you. This unconditional love shit is getting exhausting. I’m exhausted. You’re gonna wear me out one day then you’ll really regret it.

[thaoweee]

Would this be easier if you moved out and we both moved on?

[thaoweee]

My heart feels unease. This move was suppose to help, but I’m questioning everything. I feel like my life is a mess right now. I’m not happy with where I am. I’m exhausted.

[thaoweee]

You once told me you were super excited to live together. You would pull me closer when we would cuddle or late at night when I’m sleeping. You would kiss me and whispered you love me in the morning. Tonight, there’s a pillow between us. Most nights we’re at opposite edges of the bed. Where’s that excitement now?

[thaoweee]

I’ve been holding back on this post. Thinking it’s only a phase. I’m just over thinking and being self conscious.

It hasn’t been the same since July. It scares me that you don’t feel it. Are you just lying to me to make it seem better? Well it’s not making it better. The feeling is upsetting. I don’t feel secure. Since we moved in together. It hasn’t felt like a home. You’re suppose to be my “home.” I see you everyday day, lie next to you most nights but I feel further away from you than ever. More alone than ever. Then when I’m not around or out of town, it feels like I connect with you easilier. It’s an odd feeling. I’ve made 2 attempts to talk to you about this. Both times, nothing. The conversation goes nowhere. You seem not to care. Not even a reassurance. Granted this might have to do with us not have had sex in like what a month now but still. It’s not just the lack of sex. It seems like you have no interest in me. No attraction. No sexual tension. No physical affection. I don’t remember the last time you cuddled with me, kissed me goodnight, held my hand,etc. That’s odd. You’re the king of affection. You made me, an affectionate-less girl, want to be more affectionate. Your affection can be overwhelming sometimes but I’ve learned to embrace it. It’s like I can’t live without it now. I’m just confused. What changed? Was moving in together a big mistake? That was the only changed I can think of. Maybe I’m overthinking it. I’ve had thoughts that I shouldn’t be thinking of. I’m questioning a lot of things and one of them is you.

[thaoweee]

It’s been a week living together but it feels like we’re further apart than before

[thaoweee]

Ok so I slipped and started stalking. She blocked me. Petty af but I understand. What’s the point of her blocking me though. It just makes me think. I don’t think I’ll ever feel better about this. This feeling doesn’t go away. I caught myself wanting to call off this move. I can’t tell if I hestiated because there’s so much on the line or if I want to stay. I don’t even know how to bring this up to you. This is it though. Make it or break it. I’m done waiting around for you to grow up and figure out how you feel. Dont settle if you’re not ready to grow tf up. I guess time will tell. Sometimes I feel like we’re running out of time though

[thaoweee]

Idk why I haven’t asked myself or you this but.. I wonder if you’re still “hiding” me from your friends. I don’t trust you. I keep thinking that once we live together, things might be different and I’ll feel better. That’s not how it works tho. Living together shouldn’t be a trap for either of us.

[thaoweee]

As our move in date gets closer, I’m noticing my subconscious is getting freaked out. In my dreams, I’m waiting for the last straw. I’m looking for reasons to leave; to walk away. I’m contemplating of ways, just in case shit does go down, to handle our arguements and how to settle things civilly once/if we decides you moved out. Like all the negative thoughts you had, I’m starting to get. Idk whether to talk to you about it bc then you’ll get scared too. Then, it’ll be ME reassuring YOU instead.

It’s been a few months since our serious talk. Ever since then, I’ve kind of just ignored what happened and just lived my life. We moved a little fast since then. I don’t think I dealt with those feelings correctly. That’s probably why I’m starting to have my doubts. It’s hard to reassure myself bc I know that ONE more thing can happen and it’ll push me over the edge and make me let go. Bc I know that, I’m having those thoughts of “what ifs.” Anything can happen at anytime. I just want to be prepared. Protect my own heart. I wish I wasn’t so cautious of my heart, but then sometimes I think I’m not cautious enough. I trust you so easily and sometimes you don’t even trust yourself. Which scares me.

[thaoweee]

Ive been having the weirdest dreams lately. All bad dreams. People would say it’s a sign or my subconscious trying to tell me something. Yeah, I have my doubts about moving in and us in general, but I stand by the phrase “we’ll never know until we try” We took a big step today becoming doggie parents, starting our family. You were and still are super duper excited about chowder, I can’t imagine how you’ll be with a baby. But then again, idk if you would be this excited. We joke around a lot but when shit gets real. It’s a totally different ball game. It worries me because what if we try and things still don’t work out. It’ll always be in the back of my mind that there might be a possibility that we’re in this because we’re comfortable, we don’t like change, we’re settling. The possibilities goes on.