That ASPD Feel

Inspired by thatautismfeel, thatadhdfeel, and thatptsdfeel. All feels posts tagged #aspd-feels. NOT the ASPD help desk. All mods at least 20.

[thataspdfeel-blog]

ok so something i’ve been considering for a WHILE now is either deleting this blog or handing it over to someone else. for a couple reasons really

1 i’ve been working with a therapist for about 9 months now and she determined i was misdiagnosed with ASPD as well as wrongfully considering i was two weeks away from 18 and still a minor at the time. instead, i have conduct disorder and BPD with a hefty dose of narcicissm like if conduct disorder = ASPD lite i’d have NPD lite. like i originally went because to have my ADHD and depression actually medicated, my psych required me to go to therapy. and i need meds so i don’t, like, kill myself so i had no choice. thus the therapy and figuring out that SURPRISE the doctor i had at the time misdiagnosed me

2 there just aren’t really enough asks or enough interaction for me to really justify keeping this blog around? like if there was enough traffic, i’d pass it off to somebody WITH actual ASPD because it wouldn’t be right for me, as a non ASPD person to run an ASPD blog y’know. like yeah no empathy and whatnot but like it’s not the same and it’s objectively wrong. plus i’m moving in a direction of remission for my mental illnesses and this would be a good step for me to take in that remission journey

anyway, feel free to PM me, reblog this post, whatever really with input. like if you want to run the blog then like i’ll basically hand it over to the first person who asks granted they aren’t like some freak fetishist true crime jackass or whatever. so the blog would go to someone who wasn’t like an edgelord or a fetishizer who was interested in running this. i don’t really have any feelings either way and if i don’t like hear back, i’ll probably just shrug my shoulders and hit delete

[thataspdfeel-blog]

Ever play pick up sticks?

this blog runs on asks and this is the asinine shit that gets sent after months of nothing?

awesome

[vanitybecomesme]

When people aren’t demonizing antisocials and narcissists, they’re fetishizing and romanticizing us, and I’m unsure which is worse.

[darkblacktea]

So. Fucking. True.

[reiraaa]

It’s too bad that “You don’t annoy me.” isn’t a socially acceptable way to compliment someone.

[thataspdfeel-blog]

Hi im not expecting you to give me advice on this cus it's stupid but... idk if it's cus of my trauma or what but I keep unconsciously trying to get the approval of people with aspd, not like in the Edgy™ and romanticising way but just trying to get approval from people I know don't give a shit and will give less of a shit when they realize im attention seeking?? I have this with everyone lowkey but it's like when i learn someone has low/no sympathy my brain goes Make Them Like You and idk why

Your brain is probably seeing it as “challenge accepted”

[snapsicle]

let me get one thing fucking straight. im fucking maniacal. im absolutely frantic. im mad-dog. im berzerk . im going wild, fucking insane. im a cycle path. i wake up at 11:30 and drink flat mountain dew. yall actually chew your spaghetti? weak. pathetic. ugly. i swallow it down my slipery gullet like its nothing. i go to kung fu lessons on tuesday and saturday so i can kick your ass. i flung myself into a nyquil-induced 5-hour nap at 2:00 pm and when i woke up i couldnt see so i just went back to bed and when i woke up it was next week

[thataspdfeel-blog]

Can people with ASPD fall in love with and genuinely care for someone?

people with aspd are only allowed one (1) emotion and that is eternal rage

[thataspdfeel-blog]

hey idk how many people run this blog but a long ass time ago didn't someone get exposed for not having aspd ? and then they publicly apologized ? 😂 if so , are they still running this blog ? just curious ...

that was my wife, actually. during the early days of this blog, there was a SHITLOAD of messages and i was in uni and couldn’t go through all of them. so i asked if she’d help. like i just had her queue stuff and look over some of my answers to make sure they were coherent. i had an enormous workload and couldn’t dedicate hardly any time or energy to it. we were very upfront about it too

but then somebody decided to look at like the very first posts and then “drag” her because they thought it was funny to bully a mod who was just trying to help out. so she publicly apologized and immediately left. there was a longass time where various bloggers were being outright abusive so i went through and blocked all of them and deleted all the posts about it and moved on

so it wasn’t that she was “exposed” so much as there are certain bloggers on here who take offense to stupid shit and then have way too much fun being childish fucksticks. that was years ago and we’ve moved past it

[thataspdfeel-blog]

I truly understand ur point & I guess most people would admire u for being good even tho u don’t care. But for me doing these things would feel like lying to myself. It’s okay for me if people call me a terrible person because of this but I genuinely don’t want to help anyone. I’m not trying to be edgy because the opinion of others means absolutely nothing to me. It’s really important to remind others to help & stuff but if somebody just isn’t that, than that should be accepted as well.

i forgot to reply to this

anyway like i said before, yeah that’s a valid point. I’M saying that people shouldn’t use their disorders as an excuse to be a dick. like, at the very least, be neutral

[aurol]

people who don’t say please and thank you are ugly

[tonyblairwitchproject-deactivat]

You sound neurotypical.

[fagtor]

ALSLSFLVNCMFLFLSLFKGKF yall GOTTA stop using ur illnesses as excuses for being rude dicks to people what the fuck

[wodneswynn-deactivated-deactiva]

You people have got to quit using “empathy” as a baseline for virtue. Y'all gotta quit acting like empathy, sympathy, and compassion are all the same thing.

You would be surprised how many people you know and love, good people, have “low empathy.”  Like, to speak for myself, I have a really hard time remembering that other people are fully realized beings and not just meat-robots that exist to inconvenience me. Is it possible to have, like, negative empathy?

But I tell people that, and they’re genuinely shocked and surprised. Because y'all seem to think that “low empathy” means “going out of your way to be a dick every waking moment.”

Just like neurotype doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, also neurotype is no indication of a person’s moral character.

[valtsv]

y'all realise low empathy and difficulty understanding complex social cues and norms aren’t excuses for being a horrible person right

[valtsv]

like it’s possible to struggle to relate to other people and still treat them with kindness. y'all get that right.

[thataspdfeel-blog]

That ASPD feel when you don't cry when your ex sexually abuses you, but regularly cry just out of frustration and boredom.

this is a really relatable mood. i didn’t really feel anything about the abuse my ex put me through until i was out of that relationship entirely

also i’m on ADD meds so i can focus on answering these messages finally

[thataspdfeel-blog]

People with aspd often get accused to use their disorder as an excuse to be a bad person. But those people don’t understand the personality of someone with aspd. Like, I don’t care about other people or what happens to them, so when I’m told a tragic story I might react different that what they would expect. Maybe I just shrug my shoulders and the others automatically think I’m acting emotionless and therefore ‘edgy’, when in reality I maybe just forgot that my normal isn’t socially accepted.

ok well there’s a difference between the tragic story example you gave and being a bad person, in my opinion

i don’t care what happens to other people. genuinely. i understand there are always going to be homeless people and they’re always going to suffer. but just because i don’t personally care if someone else is starving doesn’t give me an excuse to be neutral, or god forbid, kick these people while they’re down

they’re human just as much as i am and deserving of dignity so it’s my duty to promote those donation posts, to give money where i can, to hand a homeless person some water or my own burger. i can find another meal. fuck, i can eat ramen if i absolutely have to. but there people may not be able to do that and they deserve kindness

like i may not cry or feel anything when i see human suffering or hear about tragedy, but that’s one thing. it’s not acting “edgy” at all. it’s just the reality of things. what’s “edgy” is when you turn your “i don’t care” into “it’s not my fault i’m punching you because i have a disorder” that it becomes an excuse to be a bad person. you’re not taking responsibility for your actions

frankly, so far as morality goes, personal motivation doesn’t exactly matter or at least not nearly as much as people think it does. i’m personally motiated towards neutrality in all situations because i just don’t give a shit. jontron’s a white supremacist? doesn’t affect me so who cares, right? motivationally, it doesn’t matter either way if i continue to watch him or not

but, objectively, it does matter. even if i wasn’t queer, mentally ill, disabled, etc it does matter because it does effect other people. there are consequences to mortality even if the consequences aren’t my own. it doesn’t matter how it affects me. the end result is negative even if my actions were neutral

i mean i’m not saying motivation doesn’t matter at all. after all, it is much better to do good things with good intentions than bad things with good intentions. the end doesn’t justify the means, after all. but with your intentions neutral, or even leaning towards bad (ie hurting people because their reactions are funny or it’s just downright generally entertaining) the action itself is what matters

this is what i mean when i say i don’t use my problems as excuses. i don’t force my trauma onto other people and i don’t blame my actions on my own issues. certainly they explain them but, at the end of the day, cool motive still murder

except a personality disorder isn’t even a cool fucking motive. collect your shit and don’t be an edgelord

[thataspdfeel-blog]

Hey, do you experience anger intensely? And, do you get shakey? Do your heart beats accelerate? If no, then which emotions do you experience that aren't muted or washed out? O and what about when you achieve something you had to do that's beneficial for you? Lol sorry this is a bundle of questions but I'm really curious to know the answers

oh my god anger is so intense for me. well, kind of. i’m very easily irritated and i experience the whole spectrum of anger frequently and easily. i get shakey, my heart races, my face turns red, i talk too fast, and it takes all my self-control not to punch things and it comes out in the form of tears. like i get so angry, my body has to release the emotion the only way it can. there are whole conversations i in no way remember because i get so angry, i black out and don’t remember what i said at all

other than that, until recently, most of my emotions were washed out. i have a grocery list of mental and physical illnesses so they tend to interact in weird and interesting ways. my medications were changed recently, and several more were added so now i don’t experience anything too super washed out anymore. i mean nothing is nearly as intense as anger but it’s much easier to identify when i’m happy now

honestly, i’ll have to reflect more on that question over time to see if that holds true so feel free to ask that again in a few months

now about something that’s beneficial:

I GET REALLY GODDAMN STOKED AND WANT TO TELL LITERALLY EVERYBODY EVER AND CAN’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT FOR THE LONGEST TIME POSSIBLE and then end up sitting alone, vibrating because everybody else is sick and tired of me talking about the thing i’ve been excited about but I’M STILL EXCITED FUCK so maybe excitement overpowers anger? curse my emotional impermanence i just have no idea

but like i got adderall yesterday after 5 years of struggling and fighting doctors to not only take me seriously, but to understand that i did indeed need medication and that i wasn’t just some other college kid looking to abuse legal speed and i’ve been STOKED because FINALLY but also HOLY FUCK I CAN DO THINGS NOW AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

yeah everybody’s already sick of me being excited about it but today alone i did like 5 or 6 things in just a few hours i haven’t been able to do in a year or that would’ve taken me at least a day, up to a week each, to complete. i’ve also done a few things today that normally i would detest but now i can take less than a quarter of the time it usually did to talk myself into doing something i really don’t want to do

so specifically, i was really comfy on the couch and did NOT want to move but my wife needed there because their laptop is there. usually, it would’ve taken me like easily half an hour to talk my ass into going elsewhere let alone doing it. but it only took me about 5 minutes to talk myself into moving and about half that to get all my things moved to a different seat. it’s a “small” thing but even that was a literal chore

wow ok so i just talked a lot about something i’m excited about i think that says a lot about how i feel when i manage to achieve something like this. i just talk and talk about it because i get so excited and i can’t contain it. sometimes, when i have the means, i’ll treat myself to something small like a cup of coffee or something else cheap that i really like

anyway, i hope that answered all your questions!

[thataspdfeel-blog]

what do you think abt aspd/bpd or aspd/empath relationships? any thoughts or experiences?

ok so alex and i have talked about my disorders and we’re pretty sure i have bpd and a conduct disorder as opposed to aspd like i was diagnosed. i’ve been debating about if i should continue this blog since i don’t necessarily have full-blown aspd myself but just the conduct disorder. but there isn’t really anybody on tumblr other than alex i’d trust with this blog because there are way too many Edgelord Pure Psychopath™ people floating around. y’all can draw blog names out of a hat and probably find one, frankly

that said, my wife is an empath and it’s absolutely debilitating for them. it’s kind of refreshing for them to be around me, someone who has no empathy because they’ll describe a problem or situation they’re having socially and i’ll respond in my usual way (fuck that guy, he’s a dick; i’m going to steal her kneecaps; why is that bothering you exactly?) and they’ll realize when they’ve been treated poorly versus when they’re overreacting to things and when they needs to disengage. instead of trying to process their emotions like somebody else with empathy and then “respond accordingly” ie filter it in a way i think would be best for them, they can tell from my blunt responses what the truth is by seeing the middle between their reaction and mine

alternatively, i’ll be bothered by something but not care enough to say or feel it’s not important and they’ll be able to tell and tease it out of me. i’ll also encounter a situation where i’m PRETTY SURE someone is treating me poorly, but won’t be sure due to autism or a slew of other issues, run it by them and they’ll be able to confirm or deny. or i’ll be having a tense situation with somebody, they’ll sense our emotions, see both sides, and mediate effectively. that tends to be more exhausting for them but like it’s a huge boon for the other people involved

this is a double-edged sword, however. i have SO MUCH TROUBLE filtering things to sound non antagonistic just because i’m very blunt about how i feel. i’ve been slowly working towards saying things like “i feel neglected lately so maybe we should spend some time together” rather than “i feel neglected when you don’t spend time with me” which places the blame on them for my own feelings “you need to spend more time with me” which doesn’t explain how i feel but commands a solution that, to my wife, feels like i’m just rudely demanding something of them

this has led to a LOT of fights especially recently after i moved in with them. part of it is indeed my own inability to communicate in a “polite” manner (which i’m working on with my therapist!) but part of it is their empath sensitivity feeling like i’m purposely attacking them whenever i try to bring up an issue. it’s a complex problem but because my wife can’t turn their empathy/sensitivity off, it’s up to me to make sure i’m communicating as effectively as possible in order to minimize conflict with each other and maximize effort towards a solution

so like, as far as my own experiences go, it’s both good and bad like most other things. if i’m not careful, i can be not just toxic but outright abusive if i’m not curtailing my own blutness and words. in turn, my wife can easily miscontrue how i feel and drive a wedge in our relationship. if we’re not very careful with how we interact with each other, our relationship can turn into a toxic waste dump of nuclear power

so far though, we’re both hyper aware of this as we’ve both been in abusive relationships. i myself have been both victim and abuser so i’m especially aware of how easily i can turn into something i don’t like. but we’ve known each other for almost 10 years now, and been together romantically for somewhere in the vicinity of almost half that. we’ve grown apart then back together again over the years. we’re imperfect individuals but our love has kept us going, cheesy as that sounds, it’s very much true

anyway, i hope that answered your question! i feel that, overall, that these relationships can be the most wonderful, fulfilling things you could ever experience or the exact opposite. it all depends on the personalities of the people involved as well as how self aware they are and willing to work to be better people

[vann-haal]