Pain
Everyday, all day I have some sort of pain. Be it dull, sharp, stabbing, crampy. There is ALWAYS some form of pain. Some days I handle it better than others. But some days Iām glued to my heat pack. I canāt function like a normal person. I slack on my wifely and motherly duties. The house isnāt always clean and the laundry isnāt always done. Some days my pain is so bad if I stand up I almost pass out. But if you ask me if Iām okay, Iāll more than likely tell you Iām fine. I donāt like to burden other people with my pain. Thereās nothing anyone can do anyway. All this pain means more medication, more doctor visits, hours of driving, more money, another surgery and another road to recovery. When will it end? When will there be a cure to this horrid disease? I want my life back. I want to wake up and not dread getting out of bed wondering what kind of pain day itās going to be. I want to be able to eat my favorite foods and not be in tears hours later because today they caused a flare up. I want to be able to have sex with my husband without there being pain during and for days afterwords to the point it hurts to walk. I want to live a life without constant pain medications, worrying if I remembered to bring them with me because if not and I get a flare up I have to go home. I want to be able to live life as a 22 year old not in chronic pain. Not facing the fact Iāll be having a hysterectomy soon. Not facing the fact I may never have another child of my own and Iām damn lucky to even have my son. Not facing the fact this is life, the rest of my life there will be pain. I feel broken, beaten and torn down. This disease has full control over my life. When I leave my house, how my pain medicine I take, when I can and canāt be intimate with my husband, when I can exercise, what I can eat, how long I can stand for, how many children I can have, how fast I can grow my family, how I spend my time, how many surgeries I have, how many Dr visit I need, how many times I have to refill my pain prescription. Anytime I have to make any decision, be it big or small my disease is one of the first things that pops into my mind. Can I do it? Can my body handle it? Will I break down? What should I pack in my bag just in case? What if I have a flare up?
My life is one big āwhat ifā and thereās nothing I can do about it.











