I’ve realised that it’ll be better for me to start a chain/updateable post for growing pains of twenties and young adulthood. I’ll probably be going for this flying blind, but as the main function of this whole thing I’ll try to list all the things that have brought me even some peace of mind throughout the years so that I’ll have something to return to when my memory ultimately fails me.
Dramas:
Because This Is My First Life, for when in started to carefully hope something from the future
Reply 1994, for realising it is the world that has changed and that everything is not just difficult for me
Reply 1997, for when I started to regret my actions for my family and wanted to act better
Weight lifting fairy Kim Bok Joo
Fight My Way, for when I need a realistic example of humble backgrounds about following ones passions
Music:
Bol4 - 나의 사춘기에게, for when I realised I need to start forgiving myself for everything 10 years ago
Fromm - 호유증, for when I realised I had started to slowly fall out of a 4 year old one-sided crush and had started to turn into that person I never thought I would
Fromm - Fin, 지칠 때
가호 - 있어줘
남태현 - 안아줘
타블로 - 고마운 숨, for when things are turning better again
Mamamoo - 별 바람 꽃 태양, for genuine and unrequited support
박보람 - 혜화동, for childhood memories
All of Bangtan, especially for those tender years of 22 and 23 when I had unknowingly become an adult but still really just everything was difficult
Jonghyun, posthumously, for when depression came back again and came to stay with me and when I simultaneously needed a dark friend and a comforter
Sayings that have stayed with:
“20대는…. 원래 힘들다” - 타블로, 블로노트
“Who will love you if you don’t”
“제대로 잘 먹어, 다 지나가니까. 예전 처럼 잠도 잘 자게 될 거야. 너는 또 행복할 자격이 있다”
Reasons why, "And we've spent our existence pretending that we aren't" is haunting me weeks later:
There's a self-awareness here that wouldn't exist if Crowley only just realized he and Aziraphale act like a couple once Nina said it. He's known this for a long, long time to say they've both been pretending
Relatedly, Crowley says it's mutual. He thinks Aziraphale has acted like a romantic partner towards him, knows it, and has been in denial
Crowley thinks they've been like a couple since the beginning. It's not, "We've spent the last 100 years pretending that we aren't" or "We gradually drifted from our sides and formed our side." He thinks their relationship has been fundamentally the same their entire lives
The voice crack
How frightened Aziraphale is that Crowley is breaking the rules of their little unspoken dance and actually calling out what they are
⭑ Take a walk through the forest or a park, don't use your phone or listen to music, rather listen to the sounds of nature actively. What can you hear?
⛤ Collect some leaves, rocks, pine cones, feathers or anything else that you think is pretty! Maybe use your bounty to decorate your home with it?
⭑ Go touch some grass! No, this is not a joke, let's go feel the grass between your fingers and toes.
⛤ Try to find some flowers and smell them, what can you compare the scents with? Preferably, go outside and find wild flowers instead if bought ones!
⭑ Take a bath in a lake or dip your hands and feet into the water (a river is perfect, too!) Close your eyes and just feel the water.
⛤ Have a little picnic on a meadow, at the lake, in the forest or at any other peaceful spot. It's a date with yourself and with nature!
⭑ If this is an option for you: do some gardening work. Get your hands all dirty with earth and mud!
⛤ Pick some wild flowers from a meadow and make a little bouquet with them. (But please don't rip out the roots!)
⭑ Talk to the trees. Yes, this sounds silly but a tree is a perfect listener and companion if you need to talk something off of your chest.
⛤ Watch the sunset or sunrise. Enjoy this magical moment. How many colors can you spot?
⭑ Get some houseplants and take good care of them every day. (If you have pets, make sure your new friends are not poisonous for them!)
⛤ Observe. What kind of birds, plants, flowers and trees can you find in your environment? What kind of animals can you meet in the forest nearby? (Maybe write your observations down in a notebook!)
⭑ Lay down on some moss, grass or sand and just exist and feel how the earth carries you.
⛤ Go plant some flowers!
⭑ Spend some time in nature without social media (maybe leave your phone at home!)
⛤ Take a walk in the rain and / or dance in the rain.
⭑ Watch a thunderstorm from a safe spot
⛤ Craft a moss jar (these are so cute and perfect if you want some more nature in your own home!)
⭑ Keep little jars or flasks of the elements in your home (examples: earth - moss/earth/sand, water - water from a lake/river or collected rain water, air - a feather, fire - ashes, a used match)
⛤ Be more attentive to your environment: when do you notices changes in the seasons?
⭑ Have a self-love day, because you are a part of nature as well and deserve your own love!
⛤ Try to actively appreciate nature: be more thankful for the food, the water, the warmth nature provides us
i’m afraid of diving into good omens tumblr discourse but i just–i have to say
Aziraphale’s face. it’s. that is the expression of someone who does not want to be kissed, but knows it’s inevitable. though even more subtle than that, it’s the face of someone who does not want the thing to happen not because they don’t want it, but because they do, they really do, and yet it is not the way they wish it would be. Aziraphale knows something here. and he isn’t telling Crowley, nor us. he’s got some kind of higher pressure weighing down on him, forcing him to act against his nature and heart, forcing him to act against Crowley. he backs Crowley into a corner with his talk of joining Metatron in Heaven, and knows it. and that is what he wants, because that’s where he needs Crowley to be–away from him; but he pushes too strong, pushes Crowley to risk it all and end up cornering Aziraphale right back. all Aziraphale wanted, all he needed to do, was protect Crowley by breaking his heart and abandoning him, but you can’t undo 6,000 years of companionship without a miracle. it’s a failure.
whatever the Metatron told or did to Aziraphale that was hidden from us, it terrified him enough to make up a wobbly plan that could keep Crowley safe, if he would just go along with it. Aziraphale may have been strong enough, may have loved Crowley that much, to put his heart on the line and sacrifice himself if it meant Crowley could live on, but he underestimated Crowley’s love for him. underestimated Crowley’s courage and capacity for honesty.
the angel lied and the demon spoke his truth and everything crashed and failed.
and it is painful failure and remorse that i see on Aziraphale’s face.
it’s Please don’t ruin my attempt at saving you and Can’t you see what I’m trying to do and I’m sorry I’m breaking your heart but I have to if I want to keep you and To choose you I have to choose Heaven but I know you’re not seeing it that way and Crowley look at me I’m lying just go along and
Oh no, you believed me entirely too much, what have I done?
with the kiss, Crowley seals his fate as undeniably tied to Aziraphale’s. and Metatron will know.
On my death certificate, where it says cause of death, it's going to say: Crowley, the Demon, getting choked up while confessing his love to Aziraphale, the Angel (Traitor?).
If Crowley gave me this look, I'd throw myself in a fire pit and beg for forgiveness as my flesh and bones burn. It's what I deserve for hurting him. You don't want me to leave the bookshop, baby? Of course, anything for you.
The thing about the "you said, trust me" "and you did" in the bullet catch is this: Aziraphale believes in Crowley. Aziraphale believes so surely and completely in Crowley that he stands in the fire and knows Crowley won't hurt Job's kids, believes in him so much that he'll stand in front of a gun because he knows that when he says "shoot past my ear" that Crowley won't miss. He's so sure Crowley won't hurt him, even as Crowley is unsure himself, even as his hands shake.
so. I do think it's quite possible that Crowley was formerly the archangel known as Lucifer and I've written about how the narrative so far supports this theory (or at least hasn't jossed it yet) already.
I want to clarify what I really mean when I say "I think Crowley was Lucifer before he Fell". I think he was the angel humanity sometimes calls Lucifer.
First, here's the wiki on Lucifer. It's not a traditional angel name, but actually a Latin word for "the one who brings light". Lucifer has been both synonymous and separate from Satan, Beelzebub, and the Devil - humanity just can't decide or agree who this tricky one is!
As a former catholic school girl with years of qualifying religious trauma, I can say that I only know of one mention of the name Lucifer in the Bible, and it's something like "Lucifer, oh fallen angel, the morning star who struck the ground blah blah" whatever. In Revelation Jesus actually calls himself the "morning star" which is... funny in this context.
So not a lot of bible canon to go off. We could look at Milton, or Dante, or literally any other intentionally fictitious stuff about Lucifer to look for Clues!, but honestly? I think that's kinda pointless. I think only Good Omens canon matters.
And we've gotten exactly one name drop of Lucifer so far. By Crowley. While he's wasted, thinks Aziraphale is dead, and is waiting for the world to end. He's talking about his Fall. He says:
"I was just minding my own business one day, and then it's 'oh look here it's Lucifer and the guys'."
It's ambiguous if he's referring to himself or someone else.
But really, I'm not super interested in that, either. What's in a name, right? Crowley changes his all the time.
I don't think it matters if Crowley's Name was Lucifer. What I'm interested in is if Crowley is the fallen angel that humanity sometimes calls Lucifer. The things we sometimes attribute to Lucifer in western culture include: being the serpent of Eden, tempting Christ in the desert with the kingdoms of the world, and causing a third of all angels to Fall by challenging the authority of god.
I think Crowley was the other Prince of Heaven mentioned in s2. I think he was the former Supreme Archangel of Heaven. I think he was the/one of the Morningstars. I think he was God's first angel.
Aside from the scene where we see him literally creating the heavens (flowery archaic term for the cosmos), Crowley says he worked closely with "upstairs" on the design. He seems confident enough in his relationship with god to question her. He makes the statement "if I was running things" which is... hugely blasphemous and definitely something humanity has attributed to the fallen angel we sometimes call Lucifer.
I don't really think Crowley's angel name will ever be revealed, tbh? But I think enough about him and his former angelic identity will be revealed that we'll know. I think names, especially Crowley's, are super important in Good Omens as signifiers of identity, and Crowley's whole existence, the Point of him, is about casting off the identities others put on you, and forging your own.
Who cares what his name was? I wanna know why he's so certain that Aziraphale won't be able to make a single bit of difference by going back to Heaven, even as the Supreme Archangel. I wanna know why Crowley could access those high clearance files, why the actual archangels followed him around, listened to him, and seemed to give him a weird measure of respect, why Shax called him "arch-traitor", why he said "I know" when Gabriel said it hurt to try to remember, why he and the Metatron did That look, why he's so different from all the other demons and angels. What's the story there? What's he hiding from Aziraphale when he chooses not to tell him about any of this? Why does he give different accounts and reasons for his Fall? What's his secret shame, besties?
I think Crowley was the angel who inadvertently triggered a rebellion by asking too many of the "wrong" kinds of questions. I think he thinks he's responsible for the First War, and for the Fall, and by extension, for the different Sides.
