“I am ashamed of how I acted that day, ashamed of endangering your body. But I am not ashamed because I am a bad father, a bad individual or ill mannered. I am ashamed that I made an error, knowing that our errors always cost us more.”
― Ta-Nehisi Coates, Between the World and Me
This quote came up today and the last line stuck out to me. I am ashamed that I made an error, knowing that our errors always cost us more.”
For those who don’t know, I have a perfectionist streak.
Yes, its in my star chart
Yes, my mom told me that I have to work hard and make few mistakes
Yes, I wanted to be top of my class and seem more intelligent than my peers
But, its always felt more than that to me.
I always felt that if I were to make a mistake, it would be the end of me
Viscerally, I felt my body give way ready for death when I discovered a mistake.
My lungs would get full, my heart would stop, my blood would move more slowly..almost as if my body had predicted a severe consequence when a mistake was discovered.
I’ve always had a connection to the collective (un)consciousness whether I was aware of it or not. My body has traveled through and collected memories from different points on the time/space continuum.
Hearing this quote today helped me realize that my body had internalized this fear of mistakes that goes all the way back to slavery. A history that is relevant to my person, but not directly experienced within this lifeline. Basically my body reacts to the making of a mistake in a similar way as if a slave were to make a mistake. My body registers a mistake as a life or death situation.
And I know that’s not my reality. Its the reality of my ancestors whose energy I’ve tapped into and absorbed into my own spiritual being. Note: boundaries are extremely necessary when doing spiritual work.
I’ll now be doing the work to strengthen that boundary
I’ll now be doing the work to update my body so its operating on a consciousness more relevant to this life time.
I’ll now be doing the work to metabolize my fear of mistakes so that I’m sensitive to the suffering felt in the collective black consciousness around making mistakes so that I can sense the degree of fear in others and help them to be more authentic to themselves in this space and time.
I’ll be working on an interpretation of qigong forms around “making mistakes” and “perfectionism”
Looking forward to sharing that with the world soon.
I love tumblr. I feel I can say what comes to mind and maybe someone hears me. maybe someone doesnt.
Tumblr will be essential for me this year as I develop my business.