The day started like any other. The blonde woke up to a too early alarm blaring in a too cold bed. It’s so strange, the simple things in life that you miss when you no longer have them. Never did she think that she’d miss so wholeheartedly the warmth that another person gives. It’s something so simple, but when it’s gone, boy does it make all the difference.
Alison peeled the covers off of her body and quickly shoved her feet into some nearby slippers. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she reached over and grabbed her glasses. She tried her hardest not to immediately reach for her phone from her nightstand table, she really did. But she couldn’t help herself. She knew there would be nothing there, but she needed to check. If there was any possibility that a text or a missed phone call was waiting there for her, she didn’t want to miss it.
And just as expected, when she turned over her phone, the screen was blank. No phone call, no text message. Not even an Instagram like. She didn’t know how all this still suprised her, this had been her reality for weeks since moving to Beacon Heights. But yet, every morning when she woke up she was still stupidly hopeful. Hopeful that at one moment during the day, the person she missed most might just miss her too.
Another day, another complete silence. She didn’t know why she was surprised. The only time she ever heard from Emily anymore was when the girls were ready to FaceTime. She couldn’t believe her life was turning out this way. Another prime example of Ali having everything she could ever want in her life and the universe ripping it away from her without a moment’s notice.
She had just gotten back home from teaching her class and she decided that a hefty glass of wine was exactly what the doctor ordered. Screw the glass, it was a straight from the bottle kind of night. Just as she made herself comfortable on her couch and took a rather large slug from her bottle of red, she heard her phone ding from where it was on her coffee table.
She reached over and felt her heart start racing at the name that appeared on the screen.
Never did she think that a simple text from her wife would ensue such anxiety. She took a few deep breaths and another generous swig from the bottle in her hands before unlocking her phone and seeing what this was about. God, she hated this.
Emily: Hey. Are you busy?
Her first thought was the girls. She had been so busy these past couple of days, did she miss something? The guilt started to bubble up in her chest immediately. As if she didn’t already feel like a bad enough mother.
Alison: No. I didn’t miss a FaceTime with G & L did I??
She nervously picked at the skin around her fingernails. A nervous tick she had had since she was a kid. She watched the typing bubbles pop up from Emily’s side of the conversation.
Emily: No! The girls are @ my mom’s tonight.
A sense of relief washed over Alison immediately. But not before her anxiety bubbled back up again. If this wasn’t about the girls, then what was this about?
She took another deep breath before replying again.
Alison: Oh yeah, I thought so. What’s up?
Alison glanced over at her desk. The torn open in a rage manila envelope laid there mocking her. She closed her eyes and tried to steady herself, breathing through the tears that were stinging the corners of her eyes. She was pulled out by her phone vibrating on her lap.
Emily: Just wanted to know if you could talk.
Ali glanced at her desk once more. That’s what this was about. She started typing out a reply, a jumble of words impacted by her rather large intake of wine in the passing hour. Just as she was ready to hit send, she felt her phone continiously vibrating in her hand. She was really this impatient, huh?
Ali took another deep breath before answering.
“Hey,” she started, glad her voice wasn’t as shaky as she thought it would be, “I was just typing back to you.”
“I know, but-” Emily stopped herself. Alison could tell she was hesitating to say something. Made sense though, Emily wasn’t always one for confrontation.
“But what?” Alison asked, maybe a little more bite in her tone than she intended.
“I just wanted to hear your voice,” Emily said, her voice small.
Ali’s head was spinning, and not because of the copious amount of wine she had consumed.
“What?” she asked, pure conffusion in her voice.
“Did you sign the papers yet?” Emily blurted out.
“No,” Alison replied. What was going on?
“Emily,” Ali started, “What is going on?”
“I don’t want to divorce you. I don’t want to wake up in a world where I’m not married to you,” was all Emily could get out.
“Says the person who sent me divorce papers,” Alison bit back.
“I was hurt. And confused!” Emily tried to defend herself, but Ali was having none of it.
“And this isn’t?!” Ali yelled, this was not fair. Why was Emily doing this?
“No, absolutely. You’re right. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have just called you like this. This isn’t fair to you,” Emily said, her voice small again.
Ali took another deep breath and tried to center herself.
It was quiet for a moment, Alison had no idea what to say.
“Em,” Ali started, her voice was soft. She didn’t want to fight anymore.
“You can still sign them. If you want,” Emily said, the slightest crack in her voice that made tears spring immediately to Ali’s eyes. She hated when Emily cried, more than anything.
“Look, Em, I know that I’ve hurt you. Believe me, I know. But right now, I need you to be honest with me. What do you want? Because one minute you’re sending me divorce papers and wanting to figure out a custody arrangement for the kids and now you’re calling me and telling me that you still want me as your wife? Em, enough. What are we doing here?”
Emily didn’t answer right away, but when she did, it certainly was not what Alison was expecting to hear. But to be fair, she wasn’t expecting any of this tonight.
“Did you know that your smile is my favorite thing about you? I know, out of all the things about you, that seems like a pretty basic one to pick. But it is. I don’t know what it is about it but whenever I see it, everything else just goes away. My thoughts, my worries, my sadnesses, my fears. I could be worrying about everything under the sun and all I need to do is see you smile, and suddenly, that is all that matters about my life. Seeing you smile.”
“Emily,” Ali whispered, wiping at the tears falling down her face.
“I’ve been worried. About us, about the kids. But most of all, about if I’m making the right decisions here. I’ve been going back and forth about it for weeks, and I thought that sending you those papers would give me some clarity. I thought that when you sent them back, that everything would then feel right. But today, I was cleaning out my wallet and I found our photobooth pictures from when we took that weekend trip to Cape May a couple of years ago.”
Ali couldn’t help but smile reminiscing about the memories. She hated those photobooth pictures. She thought she looked awful in them, but for some reason, Emily loved them and she had carried them with her everywhere they went.
“Do you know why I love those pictures so much? Because you look so happy. And because I was the one who put that smile on your face. I found those pictures, and I looked at your big, bright, beautiful smile and everything else just melted away. And it got me thinking, I could not imagine waking up in a world where I didn’t get to see that smile every day of my life.”
Ali didn’t say anything again. She didn’t know what to say, she was just so stunned.
“I need you, Ali. To make it through this life and this harsh world. I know that I’ve been awful. And for that no apology will suffice. But I am truly sorry. With everything in me, I am sorry. And I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and if you can’t, I understand and I do not blame you.”
Alison didn’t answer for another minute. This was so much. But this was Emily. This was her Emily.
“The bed feels empty without you,” was all she could get herself to say before the tears consumed her.
“God, Ali, I’m so so sorry,” Emily said, hearing Alison’s sobs, “I’ve been so awful and I’ve been pushing you away. And I’ve been ruining our family. I’m an awful person.”
“You are not. Do you hear me?” Alison pulled herself together, “You are Emily Catherine DiLaurentis-Fields, you are the love of my life and you certainly are not an awful person. But Em, if we’re going to do this, you have to stop telling me to run and then blaming me for it. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to spend my life with you, and that is it.”
“I know. I know that, I do. I’ve lost you too many times in this life Alison, and I am not going to make it another one.”
“Well, I must admit I like the sound of that,” Alison said, a smile creeping up on her face.
“There’s that smile. I can hear it in your voice.”
“What do you say you and the girls come fly out here this weekend? You can see this smile in person.”
“Booking the flights as we speak.”
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