as someone who constantly gets stuck in ruminative cycles, figuring out a way to stop the cycle before it gets out of hand has been incredibly formative for me. if you find yourself ruminating or unable to stop the cycling, here’s a place to start.
am i learning, processing, or ruminating? it’s important to be able to distinguish between the three. learning is when you receive new information that updates your frame of understanding. processing is when you study a situation to help yourself understand it. ruminating is when you cycle over the same thought repeatedly, often causing distress. learning and processing are productive, while rumination is destructive.
which theme is this? understanding the root or the spiral has helped me to untangle why the rumination feels so intense and scary. (example: i’ve been ruminating on one specific interaction with someone where i think they might’ve misinterpreted what i meant. this is my theme of fear around being misunderstood.)
how do i respond? (example: okay, this is that theme of being misunderstood. but it is not my job to make myself perfectly understood. the people i have around me can ask clarifying questions if they’re confused, and they are willing to meet me in the middle because they want to understand.)
don’t feed the raccoons tuna. (this is an example from my therapist that i love! essentially, don’t feed the beast or it will keep coming back. distract yourself, journal, listen to music, etc.)
because i love you like that. lining the baking sheet to make cookies for your parents. putting aside a cutting of my spider plant since your friend mentioned he might want one. dressed up today even though i only am gonna see you.
not good at other stuff. brain like a blender. once actually i told my mom that it's like riding a surfboard through a tornado: no matter how many flowers i plant, i find the storm coming again on the horizon, whipping up my past into my present. everything becomes a cyclone in a moment. don't know if i did my taxes right; forgot to pack my hairbrush. i'm always forgetting something, actually. rarely ever do i get my work done 100% right; there's always a double-space or a missed comma. not your dog in a fight, i'd probably cry.
but i love you like i wrote you a poem at three in the morning. i love you like your favorite brand of gingerale is always stocked. i made sure to get the pickles you like too; even though i never remember to offer. i love you like your birthday isn't even for another month and i've already made three alternative plans (weather permitting); your gift's already wrapped in a corner.
love you like: give me the wheel i'll drive, you look tired. like: actually yeah why don't you play music, your taste is better. like: you go take a nap, i got this. like: let me make you dinner. like: i already organized everything, it's set to go whenever. like: let me carry that. like: if there's something i can do to make your life better today, i'm going to do it, always. like: okay i lied i did want the last few bites but you were so hungry and this sacrifice is an honor.
giggling and with your hair in a fan on my pillow, you told me that you're going to build me the house of my dreams. low voice, glowing like a moonbeam. angel girl. foxkit. sole proprietor of my heart: my home is wherever you're gonna be.
you get used to it, but it's tiring, because they need you to understand your own life as a series of goalposts. what college are you going to, what's your major going to be, whatcha gonna do with that, oh where will you settle down, when can i expect grandkids.
for the longest time my goals have been so blurry that they track into each other, their undefined edges slipping quietly back into the soft night. today i want to be a writer; tomorrow i will want to be a doctor, later i will wish i took that law school free ride. how the fuck do people just know what they want to do with their life?
where do you want to be in five years? i want to be alive; which is a huge step for me. ten years ago i would have said i want to be asleep and meant i hope that i'm dead by then.
but i want a yellow kitchen and a stand mixer. i want a garden and a fruit tree (cherry, if i can make that happen) and a big yard for my dogs to play in. i want to come home and read poetry out loud to someone and have them close their eyes to listen. i want a summer watergun fight. i want to make snowmen. i want to be the house to go to for halloween. i want my life to settle around me in a softness, for it to lay down gently. if i am very, very, very lucky, i want to travel; finally go someplace overseas.
of course i don't know what i want to be doing professionally. what i actually want to be doing is curling up beside my dog, settling in to read. i want to be making myself a cup of good coffee.
i can't answer the other questions. whenever people asked me what do you want to be when you grow up, i used to say i hope i'm happy.
i hope i'm still kind, five years from now. i hope i never get jaded and mean. i hope i have stayed in therapy. what do you picture yourself doing? when will you actually be an adult about this? why are you so afraid of being ambitious?
am i not ambitious? the other day i rearranged my furniture which doesn't quite fit into my apartment. i watered my plants. i'm going to try to propagate a cherry seed. my five year goal is to spend more time laughing. to lie down in a patch of sunwarm moss. to relax for a minute. to close my eyes and think oh thank god. this is why i stayed. this is finally it.
night walk, franz wright// hope in the dark, rebecca solnit// ? // ? // just give me a reason, pink// shake it off, taylor swift// @ hiddengemm_ on x // @mounaks // to be made whole, ada limon// @garcavisconde // jane massey// orange juice, noah kahan// why why why, shawn mendes// ?// august, taylor swift
Things in the Project Hail Mary book that aren't in the movie that I think are delightful
Spoilers under the cut for the book
Stratt hires a climate change scientist and then nukes Antarctica and paves the Sahara desert and the scientist just sobs
Rocky calls Grace a leaky blob
Rocky thinks humans are crazy for doing EVAs
Stratt gets sued by Everyone for plagiarizing Everything
Grace gets scurvy
Grace drags Rocky back into his habitat after Rocky saves him, and he gets really bad burns from coming into contact with Rocky's atmosphere
Grace also power washes Rocky, but we don't talk about it
Rocky was orbiting Tau Ceti for 40 years before Grace came along
Rocky has anxiety about oxygen after he gets lit on fire by Grace's atmosphere
Rocky also has anxiety about Grace using the centrifuge because of how it almost killed him that one time
Grace also pulls that maneuver a few more times and repeatedly passes out (at least he doesn't get crushed by a metal chair after the first time, though)
During the confrontation with Grace and Stratt, Stratt calls Grace a coward and Grace says that Stratt is murdering him. Just much more aggressive language all around
Grace doesn't lose his memories from the coma; Stratt injects him with memory altering drugs. Her hope was that by the time he remembered, he'd either already be done, or he'd be in too deep to stop
Eridians don't know about relativity, which is said in the movie, but in the book Rocky talks about how he was basically running the ship alone with a faulty trajectory and STILL managed to make it to Tau Ceti
When taumoeba leaks into the Hail Mary's fuel, Grace immediately dismisses the possibility of Rocky's boxes failing because Rocky is such an incredible engineer
When Grace and Rocky separate, Grace does loser amounts of math to figure out how long he'll be able to see Rocky's ship
When Grace does something stupid, Rocky forces him to take a nap to be less stupid
Rocky doesn't have a voice, Grace just learns Eridian by using his laptop setup
Grace gets arthritis at the end from Erid's intense gravity
Grace also gets a slew of other diseases from malnutrition
He survives by eating taumoeba until the Eridians can figure out how to feed him
The Eridians feed Grace by synthesizing human meat. Grace calls them "me-burgers" and they're his favorite food
Rocky's blood is mercury and he eats toxic heavy metals
When Grace teaches Rocky about radiation, he gets Rocky to cover his side of the tunnel in astrophage to protect him. Rocky tells Grace to do the same, but Grace just lies and says that humans are immune to it. On the inside, he thinks that it doesn't matter if he gets cancer because he's going to die anyway :(
Rocky's ship is the first actual spaceship Eridians ever made. Rocky has to fix so many things on the way over, because they just have no experience with space travel
Rocky thinks it's really cool that Grace can see light, and he's a little jealous until the power goes out and Grace keeps blindly walking into things and Rocky is like "wow you are useless"
Full of grace, or trying to be. @thatsandwichguy - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
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