Night Vale Intros

Catch up with the latest Night Vale books here Transcripts of the opening and closing credits of Welcome to Night Vale. The episodes themselves are at cecilspeaks.tumblr.com. Try Audible and Get Two Free Audiobooks This blog is not affiliated with Welcome to Night Vale or Commonplace Books. Their official site can be found here. I try to label who is speaking in the intros since it sometimes varies; all outros are spoken by Meg Bashwiner unless noted otherwise. Amazon.com - Read eBooks using the FREE Kindle Reading App on Most Devices

[nightvaleintros]

176 - The Autumn Specter

[intro]

Jeffrey Cranor: Hi, Jeffrey Cranor here. Happy spooky month! And if you’re listening before October 29, let me say: happy Ghost Stories live stream month! That’s right, heck yeah, we’re doing a live stream of our Welcome to Night Vale live show of Ghost Stories on October 29 at 8 PM Eastern. Tickets are pay what you want starting at 5 bucks. You’ll get to see Cecil and Disparition, as always, with special guest appearances by Meg Bashwiner, Symphony Sanders, Hal Lublin, Dylan Marron and Molly Quinn. More information and tickets can be had at welcometonightvale.com, click on “live shows”. [direct link: https://noonchorus.com/welcome-to-night-vale/]

And if you’re in a spooky book reading mood, I strongly recommend the novel “The Faceless Old Woman who Secretly Lives in Your Home”. It is about, well, a faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home. It’s about her birth, her family, her tragedies, her travails, her high seas adventures and her plot for revenge. It is an epic horror/adventure novel that winds across the world over two and a half centuries, ultimately arriving in your home. What does the faceless old woman want from you? Do you know Craig? Will you ever learn? You will, I promise. “The Faceless Old Woman who Secretly Lives in Your Home” is written by me and Joseph Fink, and it is our favorite work to date. It is available wherever there are usually books, or at welcometonightvale.com, click on “books”. I know that you’ll love it. 

[direct link:] http://www.welcometonightvale.com/books 

And hey,

Happy Halloween.

[ad] Don’t you hate it when you fall into a mystical portal behind your local Burger King and find yourself stranded in a magical world? That’s what happened to Arnie Kneecap, so he made a podcast about it. “Hello from the Magic Tavern” is a weekly comedy-fantasy podcast where Arnie interviews the different magical creatures he meets with the help of his friends: a talking badger and a bloviating wizard. Past guests/magical creatures include Paul F. Tompkins, Felicia Day, Travis McElroy, Thomas Middleditch and Rachel Bloom. OK, I’m breaking a little bit from the copy all of a second, hi it’s Jeffrey Cranor I’m co-writer of Night Vale. “Hello from the Magic Tavern” is really funny and really wonderful, and this whole team is full of very good people. This isn’t just me throwing a podcast at you like a dodgeball, no no no. I’m gently tossing a handful of rose petals into the air, so that they may shower down upon us like angelic love. “Hello from the Magic Tavern” is a really good pocast I’ve been listening since, I think 2015 when I started listening, it’s really great y’all. And new epis- OK, I’m gonna go back into my announcer voice. New episodes of “Hello from the Magic Tavern” are out every Monday wherever you get your podcasts. Go listen, I promise it’s awesome, you’ll totally love it.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “Welterweight” by Nels Andrews. Find out more at https://nelsandrews.bandcamp.com/.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or tell all of the little animals to please stay out of the road. It is not safe for you there.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our upcoming live stream of “Ghost Stories” for this Halloween month. Get spooky with us.

Today’s proverb: The road to hell is paved with cobblestone. It’s super bumpy, not at all comfortable, and really bad for your car’s suspension.

[nightvaleintros]

175 - The October Monologues

[intro]

Joseph Fink: It’s creepy month. It’s spooky season. That’s right, it’s a little something I like to call the calendar month of October, and we are celebrating in style. On October 29, we are doing a live stream production of one the best loved and spookiest live shows we’ve ever done, “Ghost Stories”. This is a truly great show and we will have live Cecil, live Disparition plus guests like Symphony Sanders as Tamika Flynn, Meg Bashwiner as Deb the Sentient Patch of Haze, Hal Lublin as Steve Carlsberg, and of course Dylan Marron as Carlos. If you haven’t caught our previous live stream shows, they have been a blast, I’ve been so happy with how these have turned out. Some of them are still available to watch for the next couple of weeks. All of that, both the future live stream and the ones that have already happened, are at welcometonightvale.com and click on live shows. 

[direct link: https://noonchorus.com/welcome-to-night-vale/]

Meanwhile, over at our merch store, oh man we have got the good stuff. We’re talking a variety of Night Vale masks, so you can be creepy and safe during a plague. We’re talking an accurate replica of the Welcome to Night Vale city limits sign. We’re talking a Dog Park T-shirt, and the triumphant return of the Night Vale Spider Wolves baseball T-shirt. All of that and a bunch more at welcometonightvale.com and click on “store”.

And hey, I love you.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of the Faceless Old Woman was Mara Wilson. The voice of Michelle Nguyen was Kate Jones. The voice of Steve Carlsberg was Hal Lublin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or don’t, I don’t know. Live your life your way.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our special Halloween live stream production of our classic live show “Ghost Stories”. We’re gonna bring the spooky right to your home.

Today’s proverb: Listen, it might seem like everything’s bad right now.

[nightvaleintros]

174 - Radio Jupiter

[intro]

Joseph Fink: September 24 at 8 PM, we are doing a live stream of our classic episode “The Sandstorm”. This was the episode that introduces Kevin and StrexCorp and Desert Bluffs. Yes, we’re talking live Cecil, live Disparition, live Kevin, and live weather by Mal Blum. But that’s not all. We also are writing a bunch of brand new guest parts that expand on the story. There will be Jasika Nicole as Dana, Hal Lublin as Steve Carlsberg, Meg Bashwiner as Deb the Sentient Patch of Haze, and of course Symphony Sanders as Tamika Flynn. It’s been so fun writing these, the Tamika part kind of ended up being an origin story for the character of Tamika. Anyway, all of this is for pay what you want, starting at 5 dollars. Go to welcometonightvale.com and click on live shows, it’s going to be so fun. If you missed our last live stream of “The Librarian”, it’s still available for purchase also at pay what you want, starting at 5 dollars, that was a really really good one. [direct link: https://noonchorus.com/welcome-to-night-vale/]

And hey, It’s OK. Let that breath out. Take another in through your nose, out through your mouth. We’re doing great.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin. The voice of Radio Jupiter was Robin Virginie.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at or disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “The Faded Red and Blue” by David Berkeley. Find out more at  http://davidberkeley.com/

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or write and perform a one-woman show about groundhogs, aka woodchucks, aka whistle-pigs.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our upcoming live stream production of our classic episode “The Sandstorm”, with a number of brand new guest appearances. The first appearance of Desert Bluffs and Kevin as you’ve never seen them before.

Today’s proverb: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. Agate is a girl’s worst enemy. Emerald is a work acquaintance who a girl hung out with once and then it just – never turned into anything more.

[nightvaleintros]

173 - The Hundred Year Play

[intro]

Joseph Fink: Hello, it’s September somehow. Doesn’t seem right, but my calendar is being insistent and celebrating the start of the spookiest time of year. We are doing a live performance for all of you, in your homes, of the classic Welcome to Night Vale double episode “The Sandstorm”. Yes, this is the episode that introduced Desert Bluffs and Kevin to the world of Night Vale, and it will be performed on live stream with live Cecil, live Disparition, and live Kevin. Plus we will be writing a number of brand new, never before heard guest parts, so this will be a full cast version of “The Sandstorm” like no one has ever heard. This is live streaming on September 24 at 8 PM. Tickets are pay what you want, starting at 5 dollars. Do not miss it. If you haven’t caught one of our live streams, the live version we did of “The Librarian” was so fun and it is still available to watch, that’s right you can buy tickets to that one as well, and watch that one right away. All of this is at welcometonightvale.com and click on “live shows”.

[direct link: https://noonchorus.com/welcome-to-night-vale/]

And hey, We’re still here, you and I. Good for us.

Jeffrey Cranor: hey, it’s Jeffrey Cranor. I wanna take a second to tell you about one of the greatest podcasts. It’s maybe my favorite podcast. It’s called “This Sounds Serious”; and it’s a scripted true crime comedy show with impeccable writing, acting and design. It’s smart and it’s funny and while it is kind of a parody of true crime, it really is grounded in compelling characters and story arcs. It’s darn near perfect, I promise. The first two seasons were on Best of lists of Apple podcasts and Indiewire, and now finally season 3 of “This Sounds Serious” is out now. This season is called “Grand Casino”, and it follows the story of a con man who operated at Hollywood in the early 90’s. season 3 is out now and I’m freaking dying, I’m so happy. Download “This Sounds Serious” wherever you get your podcasts. Go it, please.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “Shallow Eyes” by Brad Bensko. Find out more at   https://www.bradbenskomusic.com/

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or wait for us to run out of television. We’re gonna run out of television soon, right?

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our upcoming live stream production of our classic episode, “The Sandstorm”, with a number of brand new guest appearances. Live theatre, but you don’t have to wear real clothes to watch it.

Today’s proverb: Many are called, but few are chosen. And fewer still pick up. Because most calls are spam these days.

[nightvaleintros]

172 - Return of the Obelisk

[intro]

Jeffrey Cranor: Hey, Jeffrey Cranor here. we are bringing a classic Night Vale show to live stream straight to your phone, or computer, or knit sweater, I don’t know all the devices that get internet these days. We’re doing a live stream of “The Librarian”, our first touring live show from all the way back in 2014. Come see Cecil Baldwin, Hal Lublin, Mara Wilson, Dylan Marron, Symphony Sanders, Meg Bashwiner and Disparition perform this story about the escaped librarian terrorizing the town. “The Librarian” streams live this Thursday, August 20, at 8 PM Eastern. Tickets are pay what you can starting at 5 bucks, and even if you can’t see it that night, the show will remain available to all ticket buyers to watch later. Tickets are available at welcometonightvale.com and click on live shows. [here’s a direct link:} https://noonchorus.com/welcome-to-night-vale/

Also, we have Night Vale face masks in our store. They’re going fast, so get yours now. Get your Night Vale mask so that you can keep others healthy and safe, and also so you can show your support for your second favorite podcast. Your favorite podcast, of course, is the one you record with your friends, wherein you all break down and carefully analyze every single episode of “Wheel of Fortune”. There are Night Vale masks and so much more cool Night Vale stuff available at welcometonightvale.com and click on “store”. [direct link:] https://topatoco.com/collections/wtnv

And hey, Stay safe.

[outro] Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “Pros and Cons” by Sugar & the Mint. Find out more at sugarandthemint.com.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or try to make friends with the wasps that have moved into your chimney.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our upcoming live stream production of our first touring live show from back in 2014, “The Librarian”. Our last one was a blast. This one will also be a blast.

Today’s proverb: Bite your tongue. Fun, right?

[nightvaleintros]

171 - Go to the Mirror?

[intro]

Joseph Fink: Thank you so much to everyone who joined us for our live stream of “Condos” last month. If you missed that show – it turned out so well, Dylan built himself a set to perform from, there was a surprise costume change, and Mara’s cat made a cameo during the Faceless Old Woman’s monologue. Anyway, you can still check all of that out right up until August 8, the show will be available so just grab a ticket at welcometonightvale.com and click on “shows”, and you can start watching it right away. 

http://www.welcometonightvale.com/live

 https://noonchorus.com/welcome-to-night-vale/

Since it went so well, we have decided to do it again. “The Librarian” was the first Night Vale show we ever toured way back in 2014. We rented some theaters on the West Coast, four of us piled into a minivan and we just gave it a shot without having any real idea what we were doing. Surprisingly, it went great and touring became our lives years and years after, but for some obvious reasons we cannot tour at this moment, so instead we are performing “The Librarian” for the first time in six years, and we’re doing it for all of you right in your homes. A lot has happened in Night Vale over the last six years, but when a librarian escapes, we’re all still in for a wild time.

Guests on the live stream include Dylan Marron, Mara Wilson, Symphony Sanders, Meg Bashwiner, Hal Lublin, Erin McKeown as the weather, and of course live Disparition and live Cecil. This live stream will be on August 20 at 8 PM Eastern, but it will be available to watch for a full month afterwards, so if you are not around on that day or live in a place where time is different from ours for some reasons, you can still take part. Tickets are pay what you want starting at 5 dollars, and going up to whatever you can afford to support these artists who cannot currently go do their usual work in theaters in front of your beautiful faces in person. 

All of that at welcometonightvale.com, click on “shows” to buy a ticket. And don’t forget to click on “store” to see some of our new stuff for sale, including our Weather shirt, our “If you see something, say nothing and drink to forget” pint glass, our Dog Park shirt, and some Night Vale 2020 tour merch for a tour that never got to happen, which is pretty Night Vale, if you think about it.

https://topatoco.com/collections/wtnv

And hey, Get a dog.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “Flower Lane” by Funbearable. Find out more at funbearable.bandcamp.com.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or buy a grill and stand majestically amongst the smoke and flowers as you wait for the onions to finish becoming delicious.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our upcoming live stream production of our first touring live show from back in 2014, “The Librarian”. It’s gonna be a good time.

Today’s proverb: Call me old fashioned, but I believe dance is the only true language.

[nightvaleintros]

170 - To the Family and Friends

[intro]

Joseph Fink: Hi, I’m Joseph Fink. Today is the 8th anniversary of Welcome to Night Vale. 8 years is a long time, and I don’t think any of us making this show imagined we would get to do so for 8 years and counting. Thank you for listening for all of this time. Or, you know, for the last week, if you just started listening last week, welcome! Thanks for joining us.

Two things. One: We are doing a special live stream of our classic Night Vale live show “Condos” on July 9, with Cecil Baldwin and special guests including Dylan Marron and Symphony Sanders and more. This is one of our fan favorite live shows, and we have not performed this script since 2013, we are really excited to bring this one back as a home live experience for you. We’re still getting all the ticket links and stuff up, but go to welcometonightvale.com and click on “live shows” and we’ll have that info there soon.

Two: as things got weird and tighter for us at the show in the last few months, so many of you stepped in and became Patrons, and honestly we are so touched. If you like what we do, now more than ever, we need you on out patreon. Patreon.com/welcometonightvale. We have lots of new bonuses that we’re putting there but mostly, nowadays that’s almost the entire (daily) income that the show gets, the direct support of our listeners, and we are so so grateful, we would not be able to make this show without it.

So please enjoy this 8th years anniversary episode. We originally had something big and flashy we’ve been planning over the last few months for this one, but as things changed over these last few months, it became clear to us that that’s not the kind of anniversary show we wanted to make this year. So instead, we made this one. The one we thought this present moment needed.

From Night Vale with love to all of you out there. Hey, Thanks.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “A List for Spring” by Joseph Fink. Find out more at josephfink.bandcamp.com.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or eat mainly sweet potatoes and black beans and discover just how regular you can be.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more info on our upcoming live stream production of our classic live show “Condos”.

Today’s proverb: Earth is technically a sandwich, where the upper bread is stars and the lower bread is stars and the filling is rock and lava and a few incidental humans.

[nightvaleintros]

169 - The Whittler

[intro} Jeffrey Cranor: Hi, Jeffrey Cranor here. I hope you are safe and healthy and emphasizing to the world that black lives matter. Please contribute to the cause of stopping systemic racism in whatever ways you can. Donating to bail funds, calling your representatives, attending live protests, making your voice heard, and listening when you can learn. We’ve included a link in the show notes to a list of organizations you can donate to in support of social justice initiatives. Thank you for listening to Welcome to Night Vale, and thank you for all of our Patreons who have supported us during the pandemic.  

https://www.thecut.com/article/george-floyd-protests-how-to-help-where-to-donate.html

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “Embroidery Stars” by Carrie Elkin. Find out more at carrieelkin.com.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or watch your cat do a big stretch and encourage her by saying: “Big stretch. BIiiig stretch.”

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more info about our upcoming live stream production of our classic live show “Condos”.

Today’s proverb: Give a man and a fish and he’ll wonder what your deal is. Teach a man to fish and he’ll ask you once again to please leave him alone.

[nightvaleintros]

168 - Secret Blotter

[intro]

Joseph Fink: Where are we now? Well, pretty much the same place we’ve been, let’s go through it. Our new novel, “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home”, is out. Buy it from your local book store. We love this book, we’re so proud of it, please read it.

Our tours are all postponed and ad sales are down due to this crisis, so we really, we really need your help on our Patreon. We’ve been doing all sorts of new fun stuff on our Patreon as a thank you for your support, these include looks at old never before seen writing y Jeffrey and I, and weekly Quarantine Variety Shows, these livestreamed shows form the people behind Night Vale. On May 20, I will be doing a Variety Show with special guest Mal Blum, so head on over to welcometonightvale.com to join that community and help us keep making the show for you. http://www.welcometonightvale.com/membership

Finally, the other way to support us is merch. Topatoco is shipping now. They’re going slowly, order will take a little while, but if you have some patience, this is a great way to support us and also support Topatoco, which is a small family-run business, and also get yourself some really cool merch. So that’s at welcometonightvale.com and click on “store”.  [direct link: https://topatoco.com/collections/wtnv]

OK, thank you. Here is an episode, I hope it takes you away from this world for a little bit.

And hey, We’ll get through this together. Because it’s the only way we can get through this.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. This episode was written by Brie Williams with Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor, and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “Best Friends” by Curtains. Find out more at  curtains.bandcamp.com.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or tell that barking dog to go home. Go home, dog!

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about supporting us on Patreon, because we really need it right now.

Today’s proverb: Six out of seven dentists have no idea where that seventh one disappeared to. Honest, they all have rock solid alibis and that blood could have belonged to anyone.

[nightvaleintros]

Are you still listening?

I’m considering quitting this blog, because it really gets almost no notes at all. (1 note here and there, as opposed to 40-60 for the episode transcripts.)  There are less than 500 followers, most of whom are probably not even on here anymore. 

This blog really has no function as an advertising channel, because WTNV sends you emails and Patreon updates on their new content anyway. It’s not a huge commitment to post these, but it just feels kind of futile if nobody is reading. The weather and proverb are posted in the transcript at cecilspeaks. 

If you need this blog and you want me to continue with it, please comment on this post. If I’m shouting into the void here, I will discontinue this blog beginning with the next episode in 5 days. (no offense to the void.) 

[nightvaleintros]

167 - Echo

[intro]

Jeffrey Cranor: Hey, Jeffrey Cranor here. Thank you so much to all of you who have supported our Patreon. As Joseph said before the last episode, this show literally could not exist during shelter at home without our members. We’ve added weekly “Quarantine Variety Shows” as well as “Before They Were Night Vale”, which features early stories and commentary by Night Vale writers. So if you’re not already a member and you can afford to do so, please consider supporting us at patreon.come/welcometonightvale. We’ll keep trying to keep you entertained, because you have been so kind to us over our nearly 8 years of making this show. I cannot tell you how much I love our fans, thank you for all of your support.

One other thing: our new novel “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home” came out March 24, and I know you can’t get to your favorite book store right now, but there are a lot of wonderful shops selling copies online. Check out welcometonightvale.com/books, for more about this novel and a list of independent stores who can ship you your very own copy of this epic tale of horror and revenge. We’re very proud of this book, it’s an adventure unlike anything we’ve done in Night Vale.

Thank you again to you all. Stay healthy physically and emotionally, OK? You’re a lovely person. So if you’re not already a member and you can afford to do so, please consider supporting at us patreon.com/welcometonightvale.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “The Stolen Century” by Ellen Beizer. Find out more at http://ellenclairebeizer.com/

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or visit the lambing barn and pick up a barn.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about supporting us on Patreon, because we really need it right now.

Today’s proverb: Did you know the Germans have 31 different words for beer? Well they don’t, that’s wrong, you’re wrong.

[nightvaleintros]

166 - Delta

[intro]

Joseph Fink: Hey, Joseph Fink here. First thing: we released our novel, “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home”. We love this book, we spent four years working on it. It’s a weird and terrible time to be releasing a book, but I do think it’s the perfect time to be reading this particular book. It’s a big escapist adventure full of pirates and thieves, spanning hundreds of yours in the Faceless Old Woman’s life. Get it from your local bookstore, they could use your support as well. And now quick update about Night Vale. The rescheduling of our live tours as well as slower ad sales due to this crisis has reduced or eliminated most of our show’s income sources. As a result, now more than ever we are dependent on the goodwill and generosity of you, our listeners. We understand this is a very tough time for everyone, and if you do not have the finances right now, that’s totally OK. But if you re able, this would be a wonderful time to do a couple things. One is buy some merch. Our merch company is having to run on a very limited capacity for the safety of their employees, so it will take a little bit to get to you, but if you don’t mind waiting, it’s a great way to support both us and this little independent family-run merch company we’ve been working with since the very beginning. So that’s at welcometonightvale.com and click on “store”. [direct link: https://topatoco.com/collections/wtnv]

The other thing is becoming a member of our Patreon, or upgrading your membership if you already have done. That is the thing that is really gonna make all the difference for us and for this show. We are adding even more bonus features to the Patreon as a thank you for your help during this difficult time, including weekly Night Vale Quarantine Variety Show live streams with different guests, full of music and storytelling, a little bit of time to take you away from your home without you actually leaving your home, and we’ll be introducing a brand new feature next week. [membership link: http://www.welcometonightvale.com/membership]

But most of all, it just comes down to this: your help will allow us to continue making this show for you, and we are very grateful for it. It’s a tough time, so thank you from being here, And thank you for listening.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “A Prayer for the Sane” by Danny Schmidt. Check out his music at dannyschmidt.com and hear his music featured on our new podcast, “Our Plague Year”.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or live your most medium life.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information about supporting us on Patreon, because honestly, we really do need it right now.

Today’s proverb: People who live in glass houses shouldn’t hire that realtor again.

[nightvaleintros]

164 - Faceless Old Woman (live)

[intro] Jeffrey Cranor: Hey y’all, Jeffrey Cranor here speaking to you on a bad microphone in a hotel room in Northampton, Massachusetts, where we just began our tour of our brand new live show, “The Haunting of Night Vale”, and just as we began that tour, we had to postpone that tour. It’s public health, you understand. So ew’re in the proess of rescheduling all of our March and April dates in the US right now. We don’t havew new dates for you yet, but we’l tell you the second we get them. Stay tuned to our Twitter @NightValeRadio, or welcometonightvale.com/live, to get updates on our postponements and rescheduled dates. If you have questions about tickets or refunds, please contact the ticket seller directly. I promise you this is a great show, and we will get to perform it to you some day.

In the meantime, one thing you can do without going out into the world is to get our new novel, “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home”, available March 24 wherever you buy your books online, and the audio book is narrated by our own Mara Wilson. I cannot explain in words how excited I am to get this book out into the world. It’s not too late to preorder your copy at welcometonightvale.com/books. And folks who preorder and live in the US can get exclusive patches and the signed art print. Just go to welcometonightvale.com/books for more.

So in honor of this new novel, we’re taking a brief intermission from our five-part episode series about the missing passengers of Delta flight 18731 to bring you this live show of the Faceless Old Woman we did last year in LA. Please enjoy.

And hey, Wash your hands.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of the Faceless Old Woman is Mara Wilson.  

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s had no weather. Clear skies at last.  

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or uh, sorry I got distracted by that weird thing behind you?

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our new novel, “The Faceles Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home”, out March 24.

Today’s proverb: Never judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the title page instead.

[nightvaleintros]

165 - Charlie

[intro]

Jeffrey Cranor: Howdy all, Jeffrey Cranor here. Four quick things. We have managed to reschedule for September most of our postponed March and April tour dates. Check out welcometonightvale.com/live for new and rescheduled shows. Also, because of temporary shutdowns of nonessential businesses in Massachusetts, our Night Vale merch seller Topatoco has had to pause fulfilment of merchandise orders, but listen, they’re still able to take orders. If you want to support independent artists and businesses, we encourage you to go get cool stuff at topatoco.com. They have all the Night Vale merch plus merch for dozens of other amazing artists, like The Adventure Zone, Kate Leth, Matt Lubchansky and Flash Forward. Think of the joy you’ll have in a few weeks when Topatoco reopens and you get a sweet package of good, good things in the mail. That’s Topatoco, T-O-P-A-T-O-C-O dot com. topatoco.com Or just go to welcometonightvale.com and click on “store”, that’ll take you there too.

If you’re a Night Vale patreon, we have been doing these weekly quarantine variety shows for Weird Scout level and higher. These shows are there to entertain you with stories, songs, poems and laughs. If you are not a Night Vale patron, please consider joining, go to patreon.com/welcometonightvale.

And finally, our new Night Vale novel, “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home” is out now. You can get it wherever you get books, we’re so proud of this novel. It’s such a fun horror adventure with a really really cool ending, we’re so proud of this book. So get it wherever you get books or if you want a list of independent stores selling it, go to welcometonightvale.com/books.

And hey, Thanks.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “Breathe” by Tanja Daub. Find out more at tanjadaub.bandcamp.com. That’s T-A-N-J-A D-A-U-B.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or live your most medium life.

Today’s proverb: The greatest trick the Devil ever played was designing hotel lotion dispensers to look exactly like hand soap dispenser.

[nightvaleintros]

163 - “Bravo”

[intro]

Jeffrey Cranor: Hey y’all, our 2020 world tour is starting in just a few days and you do not wanna miss it. This is your last chance to see Cecil Baldwin perform with us live, so check out http://welcometonightvale.com/live for cities and dates and make this tour our best one yet. Let me tell you about this first stretch starting March 12. With weather act Eliza Rickman, we’re heading to Northampton, Portsmouth, Woodstock, Durham, Ashville, Memphis, St. Louis, Lawrence, Omaha, St. Paul, Milwaukee, and Iowa City. Then, we are picking up Dessa and Sims of Doomtree for our shows in Chicago, Grand Rapids, Mississauga, Boston, Washington DC, and Brooklyn. Be one of the first to see our brand new show, “The Haunting of Night Vale”. Tickets at http://welcometonightvale.com/live.

And hey, also coming this month, our brand new novel, “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home”, will be released on March 24. You can preorder signed editions today or come on out and see our 13-city book tour and get your book signed in person. Check out all of the details at http://welcometonightvale.com/books.

And hey,

Thanks.

[outro]

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or at disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “One One Thousand” by Raina Rose. Find out more at rainarose.com.  

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or decide that it’s time for a new you, with a new outlook on life, and new teeth.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for info about our upcoming live tour, “The Haunting of Night Vale”, and info on our upcoming novel, “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home”.

Today’s proverb: What if, and hear me out, what if someone made a printer that worked every time you needed it to work?

[nightvaleintros]

162 - Alpha

Jeffrey Cranor: Hey, it’s Jeffrey Cranor. Want to see me and Joseph chat about our brand new novel, which is called “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home”? Well, you are in luck. We just announced a 13-city book tour kicking off on March 24 in Brooklyn, the same day our new book is released. We’re so excited to get out on the road and see all of y’all. Head over to welcometonightvale.com/books for the full list of cities. And while you’re on our site, preorder the novel. That would be super nice of you, because preordering really helps out authors. And we’re doing something pretty special for folks who preorder. We’re sending out an exclusive set of embroidered patches and an art print design by Rob Wilson, and signed by me and Joseph. Just head of to welcometonightvale.com/books to find out how to get these very cool things.

And don’t forget: we also have a brand new live show touring the world starting in March, and I’m so excited to reveal to you, right now this second, that this show will be called “The Haunting of Night Vale”. Can a house be haunted before it’s even done being built? Cecil and Carlos are about to find out. Get your tickets to this thrilling new live show at welcometonightvale.com/live.

And hey, Thank youu.

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “Skinchanger” by Skeptic. Find out more at  skepticdeath.bandcamp.com.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or close your eyes in the shower and whisper your comment into the warm water.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more info about our newly released live show recording “A Spy in the Desert”, and info about our upcoming novel “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home”.  

Today’s proverb: Love means never having to say “you’re a werewolf”.

[nightvaleintros]

161 - The Space Race

Joseph Fink: Hello, welcome back, we’re excited to be here with our first episode of 2020, it’s extremely educational, you’ll learn a lot about space. But before we get started, I have 3 important things to tell you. Things the first: we are taking our brand new live show to over 50 cities across North America and Europe this year, and we’re excited to announce that in honor of this being the last year that Cecil Baldwin will star in the live version of this show, we are bringing some of our favorite weather acts from the last six years of touring back out on the road with us. We are going to be touring with our friends Eliza Rickman, Dessa, Dane Terry, Mal Blum, Erin McKeown and Danny Schmidt and Carrie Elkin. Go to welcometonightvale.com/live to find out which weather act is coming to your city, and to buy your tickets to this spooky new live show.

Two: speaking of live shows, we just released the live recording of our last live show, “A Spy in the Desert”, on Bandcamp and iTunes. If you missed this show or want to relive it, complete with Cecil’s secret that only one audience member a night go to hear, but yes it’s on this album so now everyone gets to hear it, go check it out. Our members on Patreon who help us continue making this podcast that you are listening to, also get two exclusive bonus tracks featuring Dylan Marron as Carlos and Hal Lublin as Steve Carlsberg, our Patreon will be the only place you can hear those guest parts. More info on our website.

The last important thing: signed editions of our new novel, “The Faceless Old Woman who Secretly Lives in Your Home”, are now available for preorder. And if you order them from our local bookstore, Oblong, you can also get those preorders personalized. We can’t wait for this book to come out on March 24. It’s like if “The Princess Bride” met “The Haunting of Hill House”, met a Faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home. We love this book, it’s our favorite one we’ve written yet. Head over to welcometonightvale.com/books to preorder your signed copies. Plus there’s an audio book read by the voice of the Faceless Old Woman herself, Mara Wilson.

And now, hey, Let’s learn about space.

Meg Bashwiner: Welcome to Night Vale is a production of Night Vale Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor and produced by Disparition.

The voice of Night Vale is Cecil Baldwin.

Original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disparition.info or disparition.bandcamp.com.

This episode’s weather was “Have a Smoke” by Head Portals. Find out more at headportals.bandcamp.com.

Comments? Questions? Email us at [email protected], or follow us on Twitter @NightValeRadio. Or find a lost dog and gently guide it home.

Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information about our newly released live show recording, “A Spy in the Desert”, and info about our upcoming novel, “The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home”.

Today’s proverb: Correct placement from right to left: salad fork, soup spoon, salad spoon, bread knife, bowie knife, meat thermometer, entrée fork, and finally, the desert claws.