This is Hitman Two Actual

Rachel, 21, USA. Cannot seem to escape the Midwest, to my dismay. Nerdy garbage fighting the fascists. HBO War. $(function() { $("#tfq2b").click(function() { if ($("#tfq2b").val() == "What are you looking for?"){ $("#tfq2b").val(""); } }); });

[evilestscientist]

sitcom compass I made instead of studying for my exams

[brakoff]

Honestly I’m holding out for 2020 so I can be neo-gatsby’d (Drone striked in a rooftop infinity pool)

[thatsnotmozarts]

business email glossary

thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press "send"

thanks for your interest: why'd you have to bring this up

would you be so kind: fucking do it

best: i have never physically met you

all best: this conversation is over

all my best: i wish you would die

happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox

i hope this helps: i've done all i'm willing to do

i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you're too lazy to

sorry to chase: answer my email

so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email

i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me

please contact my colleague: this isn't my problem

i'm copying in my colleague: this isn't my problem and i am thrilled about it

i'll check and get back to you: i might forget to

i'll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to

can you check back with me in a week?: i'm hoping you will forget to

per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone

great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone

thanks!: i'm not mad at you

thanks!!: please don't be mad at me

thanks!!!: i'm crying at my desk

please advise: this might be your fault

kindly advise: this is entirely your fault

mind if i swing by?: i'm already in the elevator

can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email

sorry if that was unclear: i think you're an idiot

let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again

[medstudentblues]

Ghibli meets avatar by @amaramation. ✨

[chotomy]

do you guys even know what anne carson is like. you reblog her quotes all the time but are you aware that seeing her in person is a spiritual experience

[chotomy]

she came to my college in the spring of 2019. she was wearing a flannel under a pinstripe suit, cuffed trousers and bright red sneakers, and she had her hair up in a messy bun. I didn’t take a picture but here’s my artist’s rendition

the whole room was full of Classics wlwTM and we Absolutely Could Not Handle This Like Even a Little Bit. I got so distracted thinking about her during my workout today that I accidentally did 15 more jumping jacks than I was supposed to, which I think is the gayest sentence I’ve ever written.

how do I describe the way she speaks? it’s this very floaty, dignified, vaguely curious, uncompelled, but very intentional style of diction, like if you met god at a garden party and she handed you a pitcher of cream and asked you why you think you should get into heaven. I wrote down the phrase “Your ridiculous little glasslike soul” and I don’t remember in what context she said it, but THAT’S the vibe.

she is screamingly funny but relentlessly deadpan. “You know Oscar Wilde was imprisoned for—” she pulls down her glasses and looks at us, like a librarian who moonlights writing erotica – “sodomy.” She had us do an “interactive portion” during one of her poems, instructing the right side of the audience: “Your part is simply the word Deciduous? With a question mark at the end.”

She has flawless comedic timing, and she does not use filler words. Remember this line from Elektra? it sums up her sense of humor PERFECTLY:

She spices up her wit by dropping in the occasional mind-blowing quote like “Tears are all about the weeper, aren’t they?” and “Roses and hurricanes are too much as they are to be anything else, to be damaged by metaphor.” and “Do I frighten people, saying there’s no back wall? Nothing between you and your heart of darkness?”

like. she is an incredible writer and I’m not about to denigrate her translations by saying she didn’t put work into them, but I honest to god think that is just How This Woman’s Mind Works. she is on “not to me, not if it’s you” and “someone will remember us I say even in another time” levels of galaxy brain wordcraft, but IN REAL LIFE.

I came up to her after the reading and asked her to sign my Bacchae copy. I did not say much to her besides that I was a fan, because I got the sense that if I formed a complete sentence in her presence she would see directly through me and reach into my body and swallow my entire ribcage like a snake.

she signed my book “regards, A.C.” I’ll never forget her.

[lesbiantahani]

Jenny Slate, Stage Fright (2019)

[ryebreadgf]

Ugly, Bitter, and True by Suzanne Rivecca

[homemade-ghosts]

John Mulaney on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (2020)

[normal-horoscopes]

CONTEMPTUOUS HARPY! SICKEN YOURSELF WITH ENVY AS MY PUSSY POPS WITH A VIM AND FEROCITY THAT ONE SUCH AS YOURSELF COULD ONLY PRAY OF MATCHING

[catchymemes]

[theflashisgone]

This looks like a great Pyrenees, a breed of livestock guardian dog, so he’s literally doing what he was bred for by protecting a baby ruminant.

[celtic-pyro-deactivated20230725]

Finally seeing a dog experience the “I can’t get up because my pet is laying in my lap” problem.

[zudilio]

Fun headcanon that can go with either zutara OR zukka is that Hakoda is really hesitant to see his child dating a fire nation prince, MUCH less one who’s going to become the fire lord, and so he’s grilling the shit out of Zuko asking him a million questions about his history and his plans for the fire nation and whether he’s truly changed and finally he’s ike “where’d you get that scar, kid? A bit reckless with your bending maybe?” And zuko’s like “oh actually my dad lit my face on fire” and Hakoda is like “cool cool. So actually, on second thought, after much deliberation, are you perhaps in the market for a new dad”

[ashilesun]

“My biggest source of inspiration is the reaction I get from when I release something that I put a lot of work into. I will always fight for a vision in my head that I believe in.”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LIL NAS X! (Aprill 9, 1999)

[johnnyjoestarrelatable]

you weren’t a “well behaved” child you had anxiety and were terrified of conflict

[mens-rights-activia]

Colleges be like

[cheesepress-deactivated20191231]

look at this stock photo

[lunaeregia]

there is so much energy in this image

[broannalmao]

He’s got his toast in the napkin holder :/

[donnasweettttttttt]

that’s why she snapped

[distractionpie]

okay but that’s clearly a toast rack

[extork]

I have been quoting this tiktok for the past two weeks.

[soupsluts]

This bitch had like 5 accents

[tqueeninactive]

transcription:  “you’re a nice guy. (shifts to singsongy british accent) i’ll think about it maybe xo baybeoi uh oh eehjfgoi SHEND HIM KISSHEOIS. i didn’t know i would moive in with his missusWOOOOOT GET A LOIFE WE’RE LIVIN WITH HIS WOIFE like.. (disturbingly serene) what was i meant to do…? ehehehe. (sudden american accent) oh bitch oi seemBUHHURH BREAST KILLA?? mm. HEHEHEHEHEHE (back to british accent) she doied. that’s what she desehves. (sudden new yorker accent) this stoopid princess bitch has been fuckin goin against me since i downloaded this goddamn app. she’s like (peppa pig again) oih you’re heare? no problemm. an- oo OO OOOHOHOHOHOOO OHOHOHOHO HOHOHOWAAAAAAAAA!!!!! ….oh i was first heh!”

[katyazamolodchikova]

you’re a nice guy 👨‍💼! I’ll think 🤔 about it MAY-BEE🐝. X O 🤗💋 baybwee👶! UH OH here we go 🚀🚀🚀! SHENDS HIM KISSES😘😘😘! I didn’t know that I would move in with his Mrs.👰 WHUUT😲! GET A LIFE! You were living with his wife 👱‍♀️like what was I meant to do🤷‍♀️? Oh bitch 💃obviously- BUH HWUH BREASTKILLUH 🔪🙍‍♀️! Yeet ✌️! hehehehehehe 🤣🤣🤣🤣 she DIED 😵. It’s what she deserves 💁‍♀️. this STOOPID princess 👸 bitch 🐕 has been fuckin goin against me since I downloaded this goddamn app 📱. She’s like, “OH yaw here, no PRAWBlem!” eh OO OO 😮OOOoOooOO 😩😩😩😩OOOOoo 😱oOO😱oooo 😱O😱😱OO😱OOO WHAAAAAA🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 Oh I was first heh!🥇🏆

[githvyrik]

tumblr is a free website compilation

[desperate-acts-of-capitalism]

Goof or Goop?

The rules are simple! Before you are several pairs of products, one is a real product sold by Goop, the other was made up by yours truly. Your goal is to figure out which one is the goop product.

–

Dr Singhas Bath Mustard 13$

PinkMe Labial Essence: 13$

–

Plush Sex Raccoon 90$

Pillo Sex Pillow 90$ -

–

Geist, certified spectral hand vacuum 450$

Psycic Vampire Repellant 27$ -

–

Crave Vesper Vibrator Necklace 160$ Gold Plated -

Crave Versper Vibrator Thigh Holster 160$ Gold plated

–

18k Gold Dumbells 135K$

18k Toilet Seat, comes in Rose Gold and Black Gold 120k$ - 145$ - 165k$

–

At-Home Coffee Enema Kit 135$

Kopi Coffee, coffee beans partially digested by a civet 400$/lb

–

Cedes Milano Toothpase Squeezer 250$

Cedes Milano Bathroom Essentials, including a gold plated toilet brush 250$

–

Devi Steam Seat Labia Steamer 77$

Amphora Nipple clamps to improve phsycic ability 77$

—

Ur, a health drink containing local soil, 40$ for a 6pack

Camel Milk Home Delivery Subscription service 100$/mo

–

Mammit, A service that makes custom Jewelry from your breast milk. Prices vary.

Christian Louboutin Shoes For babies 250$

–

LaFont, a portable bidet with designer carrying case 90$

L'Officine Universelle Burly Silken Toothbrush 45$

–

Justin von der Fehr Joint Case, a designer case for marajuana cigarettes 45$

Six in the Morning, an organic 40oz craft beer served in paper bags like in the hood 18$

–

Virgin Jelly 38$

Sex Dust 38$

–

Pistil Whip Candle 30$

Butt Stuff Candle 30$

–

Gold Handcuffs 425$

A reusable epi-pen with gold inlay 650$

–

Olga Gold Plated Dildo 3400$

Xira Cross Rose Gold Beretta M9 Pistol 3400$

–

Gold plated butane camping stove 500$

Firewood tote 500$

–

Aeromatic Nut Milk Maker 140$

Kinetic Fitness Hammer, 75-110$ depending on print

–

A “death retreat” where trained tour guides medically induce temporary death 90,000$

A “space retreat” where Goop shoots you into near low-earth orbit 90,000$

–

Check your answers below the cut!

Keep reading

[thatsnotmozarts]

i did so much worse on this than i thought i would

[great-tweets]

This is the /an/ post that keeps on giving.

[edwardspoonhands]

This is better than anything I’ve ever made.