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American habbits

A survey done of Americans, about their habits and actions. Driving 4 out of 5 sing in the car (and probably 4 out of 5 can't sing for beans either) 12% of men never use their car blinkers. 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. (This is hard to believe - Get on a highway and go the exact speed limit. Are 45% of the people not passing you - I doubt it) 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. 71% can drive a stick-shift car. 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. (Hint from Jokemaster: When this happens, accelerate while simultaneously touching your brake - just enough so the break light goes on - scaring the crap out of the guy behind you) What we shouldn't be doing 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework. 91% of us lie regularly. 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. Religion 90% believe in divine retribution. 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. (That's one Commandment per person on average) 82% believe in an afterlife. 45% believe in ghosts. 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. (Not Counting Casper) 49% believe in ESP. Daily Living 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. 53% read their horoscopes regularly. 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). 59% of us say we're average-looking. Less than 10% are trilingual. 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. 44% reuse tinfoil. 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. 53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers. 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. Love And Sex 2 out of 5 have married their first love. Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. 29% of us are virgins when we marry. (How many claim they are?) The average sexual experience lasts about 39 minutes. Men say the average erect penis is 10". Women say it's 4". 56% of men have had sex at work. 60% of men and 54% of women have had a 1-night stand. Women buy 4 out of every 10 condoms sold. 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. 6% propose over the phone. (Guys get a clue) (And what percent said yes?)

Noted in Movies

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long. The Chief of Police is always black. When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now. Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames. The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective -- or give him 48 hours to finish the job. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium. It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting, even in the middle of New York City. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paperclip in seconds -- unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur, will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment. Bad guys can spray machine-gun fire everywhere, never hitting the hero (But hitting the ground and objects nearby) and the hero can hit a bad guy at 100 yards with a five-shot revolver that can fire twenty bullets without reloading.

Hole Diggers

Thomas and Maxim were working for Provinciale Antwerpen (they take care of the roads in Antwerp).

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one Belgian digging a hole, the other Belgian filling it in again.

Ali was driving by with his Tesla going to a tier 2 meeting. Amazed at the obvious stupidity he asked Thomas.

"I am sure you feel great putting down all this effort, but I don't get it... Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

Thomas wiped his forehead brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the other guy who plants the trees called in sick."

Cakes and Ale

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.''

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs. At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?' 'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.' 'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.' The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife. 'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said. About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported. The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?' 'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!' The man reached into his wallet to pay her. 'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'

Working out at the gym

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in... I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there? The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

The Professor's Jokes

The professor loved to start each lecture with a dirty joke. After a week of this, the female students got together and decided that next time, if this happened again, they would all walk out in unison. The professor got wind of this plot. Next morning, after he entered the lecture hall, he said: "Good morning! Have you heard about the shortage of prostitutes in Singapore?" Now all the female students stood up and headed toward the exit. The professor continued: "Oh, ladies, please wait, the boat to Singapore doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Do you have a vagina?

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.She goes to the door and opens the door to see a man standing there He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?' She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice, 'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again.' The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where the bastard is going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question; 'Do you have vagina'? 'Yes, actually I have one,' she says. The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'

Bet on a bullet

A man walks into a gun shop. "I want to buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle" "sure" said the owner handing over a scope "if you look out the window, this scope is so powerful you can see into my house" The man looks, then turns to the shopkeeper and says "sorry mate there is a man in there and a woman who i can only assume is your wife?" "cheating, bitch!" the shopkeeper said, putting two bullets on the counter he said "Shoot that guys prick off and you can have the scope for free, shoot that bitches' head off and I'll give you free bullets for the rest of your life" The guy looks through the scope again and says "what do I get if I only use one shot?"

The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge." So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

The Most Important Body Part

One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in charge. The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you know where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in charge." Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge." All the rest of the parts said "YOU? You don't do anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge." So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge. The moral of the story: You don't have to be the most important to be in charge, just an asshole.

A pirate walks into bar and sits...

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."

Never trust little old Indian women

A little old Indian woman went into Republic National Bank with a sack full of money. She plopped it onto the desk of the Bank president as she had wrangled her way into his office. He was an Indian man. "Where did you get money like this?" he asked her. "Well, you see." She answered him. "I make bets." "Bets?" He wanted to know. "Yes." She replied. "For instance, I'll bet you 25,000. you are not brown all over. I bet that under your shorts you are white." "The Indian president of the Bank told her, "Well, I will take that bet." "I am brown all over." "Okay," the wily old lady agreed. "However, tomorrow when we close the bet, I want my attorney with me. He is Indian too. "Okay! Okay." The president of the bank was agreeable. When he went home though he double checked to see if he was brown all over. After all 25,000. was at stake. The next day when the little old Indian lady came in with her attorney, the president was ready for her. The little old Indian woman told him. "I am not going to take your word for it. I want to see if you are brown all over." The president thought for a moment and decided since it was, after all, 25,000 he would, indeed, drop his pants to show the little old Indian woman he was brown all over, which he did. He looked over at the Indian attorney who was banging his head against the wall. "Why is he doing that?" The president asked. The little old Indian woman answered, "Because I bet him 165,000 that the President of the Republic National Bank would drop his pants for me.

Indian Message To The Moon

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognising a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

Bad Leg

A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh, only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will." "I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing about it in my books," he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though," he continued. "Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

The Girl of His Dreams

A young man in college called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the girl of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the girl came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone. "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes." "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother. "We hadn't started eating yet."

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