I remember when I could go to a party and not eat a single bite because I was fasting.
I remember when I could walk thru my kitchen and leave with a glass of 0 calorie herbal tea.
I remember going days without food and feeling in control and at peace.
I remember the feeling of hunger pulling my mind away from all other distractions.
I remember stepping on the scale and seeing the numbers drop.
I remember looking in the mirror and seeing my bones start to show.
I remember running my hand along my side and feeling my rib cage.
I remember seeing the bones in my hands and wrists becoming more defined.
I remember my legs becoming smaller and forming a thigh gap.
I remember carrying something against my side and it hurting my hip bones.
Now I can’t see a package of Oreos without eating them.
Now I can’t go into the kitchen without eating some disgusting piece of food.
Now I can’t go hours without wanting to eat again.
Now the hunger makes me give in to food.
Now I can’t step on the scale without the numbers going higher.
Now I can barely see my bones beneath all of my fat.
Now I can hardly feel my rib cage.
Now the bones in my hands and wrists are practically invisible.
Now my legs are back to being elephant legs.
Now my hip bones are cocooned in disgusting fat.
That was then.
This is now.
Soon will be the future.
I won’t continue being this disgusting fat worthless piece of shit. I can’t give in to food any more. I won’t give in. I will be strong so I won’t just say “I remember..” but “now I am.”
I’m gonna make myself thin, pretty, beautiful, and perfect. I have to do this.
pixelskylines
blakekathryn
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