I thought that this love was meant to be forever. I was silly in thinking that he would change his ways. Of course he would cheat on me. Yet he forgets I know all of his tricks for the trade of “proving his innocence” to the girlfriend of the time. I was on the other side. I was the other woman at one point or another. I’m not sure why I thought he would change his ways… we have a child together, a newborn. And it’s hard enough learning to adapt with a baby and to keep my emotions hidden from them both. I’m fucking devastated. My heart feels like it’s been ripped out and thrown off a 70 floor building and then run over multiple times by old cranky cab drivers. Yet he won’t admit it. That I caught him. Let alone the girl admitting to it. I’ve seen the messages and time stamps on things. I’m not stupid.
And now after tonight I’m scared of him a tiny bit. He’s never been physical but the force he tried using wasn’t anything that anyone should worry about. But it scared me. I was nursing. I was vulnerable. I don’t know how to explain it to him that that was scary for me. That yes while others have done a lot worse to me that this rattled me to the bone.
I am stupid tho, thinking this man that I’m totally in love with would be loyal. That he would love me back with the same fire and force that I show him… like god what the hell is wrong with me for being that delusional thinking he would be mine and mine alone. I didn’t even think I was good enough before and now I definitely feel that way. I’m so tired of having to protect my heart and mind. I was to just be at peace with the man I love still and fully devote to. But that means blindly trusting him again, which I know I need to start rebuilding… but it’s so fucjing hard knowing how worthless he sees me and our family… cheating with her of all people. It makes me wonder if he ever really loved me at all.
These are my feeling and views, he might not see then the same way. He might think I should forget it. But how do I heal from feeling like a worthless piece of garbage ? How do I heal from feeling like I’m only here for my killer sexual appetite? because if he truly loved me, he would have never cheated.
I’m just going to shut down. I need to protect my newborn. That has to be my focus right now. And it should be his focus too. Moving on and healing while making sure our son is happy and healthy and doesn’t realize what is going on. I wish I could talk to my sister or best friend. But I know they would tell me to leave. To respect myself more then this. But I love him too much even after these transgressions
romaincrisis
jacobvanloon
theartofmadeline
yousharknotpass
