The Astounding Aspie

Autism, Bullet Journaling, and Life on the spectrum.

[the-astounding-aspie]

November 4 is a dark day for me

I used to love halloween. Now I find its a time where I struggle with memories of the last days I spent with my mom, of the last time I saw her. Of losing her. 6 years later, and the grief is still just as big and just as painful as ever, even if it's not quite as heavy.

For years, I've said I didn't want kids. At first it was that I didn't want them anytime soon. Now we are trying to get pregnant, and I still feel conflicted because it makes my physically sick to think of having children who won't ever meet my mom. I don't want to do it without her, and it feels terribly unfair that I have to.

[the-astounding-aspie]

Everyone knows the quote about October from Anne of Green Gables, but forgets about November. The rest goes, "Anne roamed through the pineland alleys in the park and, as she said, let the great sweeping wind blow the fogs out of her soul." https://www.instagram.com/p/B4I1mL9DLSN/?igshid=5f1jqky3ba6t

[the-astounding-aspie]

Today would've been my mom's 63 birthday. I would give almost anything to surprise her just one more time. https://www.instagram.com/p/B2CyIY2luQI/?igshid=1jm6n9jvlij1w

[the-astounding-aspie]

Been super bad at posting my spreads, but I'm finally getting used to this big archer & olive bujo 🥰 https://www.instagram.com/p/B15DW9jluOq/?igshid=70dlsbtpuwlk

[the-astounding-aspie]

One of the hardest things about not having a living mother is that I'm constantly finding things that she did for me that no one else will ever do. For instance, listening to and caring about my day. I started a new job teaching preschool, and today was my first day with the kids (we had a teacher work week last week, and their orientation was yesterday so today was the official first day of school). The way that I process my day and decompress would be to talk about it to someone. If my mom was still alive, I could call her and tell her all about it. Since she was also a preschool teacher, she would let me talk about every single little detail and still ask questions. She would laugh at the funny things the kids did, and empathize on the things that are trying or difficult for me. But I can't call her, because she's dead. My dad barely tolerates me as it is, (he loves me but doesn't like me, and doesn't want to be around me or talk to me if I'm not on some kind of calming or focusing medicine like adderall, which I've stopped taking). My husband means well, but I've gotten good at knowing when he isn't paying attention or doesn't care about what I'm talking about. Plus, he's told me in the past that he's tired of me talking about work, so I'm self-conscious about talking to him about my day even though he's pretty much the only one I have to talk things through with. Too often, I will notice he's not listening and drop off mid-sentence and he won't even notice. Now, it just kind of makes me shut down. That's where I am today, even though my mind is still reeling and I have a lot that I'm not sure about. It makes me miss my mom extra hard, since I know she would want to know all about it. It's already been hard because teaching preschool and being called by my childhood name makes me think of her a lot and my heart hurts. I know it's not fair to expect him to fill in the hole she's left behind, but that doesn't make it any easier.

[skewedcard-blog]

this is my favourite spread to use when i’m reading for myself, it’s always very insightful.

[maybe-you-need-this]

[the-astounding-aspie]

Woohoo officially caught up on the #lettercisechallenge https://www.instagram.com/p/By1idXnFMG1/?igshid=z48tipgtzpju

[the-astounding-aspie]

Knocking these out of the park today!! https://www.instagram.com/p/By1Y_vtlgnx/?igshid=mhuaw5dayviy

[the-astounding-aspie]

More #lettercise catchup! https://www.instagram.com/p/Byz_oo9Fyup/?igshid=13yta7hhuf7t8

[the-astounding-aspie]

Who thinks I can get caught up by the end of the month? 🙋🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ https://www.instagram.com/p/BynhxlgFAdM/?igshid=yo93a3rbw8wb

[the-astounding-aspie]

Fell way behind on the #lettercise challenge while traveling this weekend! Working to catch up. https://www.instagram.com/p/ByiVBrslydj/?igshid=lhzprkpcwinx

[the-astounding-aspie]

Trying to get caught up! This is tougher than you'd think y'all. 😄 https://www.instagram.com/p/ByXqU16FRUl/?igshid=17ugwt3i7yde4

[the-astounding-aspie]

Forgot to post Day 2 of the #lettercise challenge! https://www.instagram.com/p/ByXhZiplPcR/?igshid=1b6m175p5a4z1

[the-astounding-aspie]

Just found this #lettercise challenge, I’m a little late starting but in excited about it! 😄 https://www.instagram.com/p/ByRqun_FilB/?igshid=mmk0ae53efyo

[the-astounding-aspie]

Went with something quick and easy this week! 🥳 https://www.instagram.com/p/ByRqTCUF_jR/?igshid=1t6nbou3u7pe6

[the-astounding-aspie]

June is here! 🌻 https://www.instagram.com/p/ByRpw9Vlbau/?igshid=m509dzqe1d1v