The Body revolution

We are Limitless

[the-body-revolution]

How to deal with a body bashing attack

It’s Monday and I’m walking through the halls of work. I am so bloated after this weekend. My pants feel so tight.

I’m feeling a bit tense, a bit stressed, a bit tired. Why did I drink all of that wine? Did I need to have dessert? Ugh.

Someone greets me, I politely say hello and then keep walking. Did she lose weight over the past few months? Her ________ looks thinner. I have no self-control.

I notice my reflection on the elevator. I look huge. 

I open the door and walk into my office. What am I going to do? What’s that new diet Jen is on? It’s Tom’s birthday. Well no cake for me today. My pants are about to burst.

I walk to my cubicle, smile at a co-worker who is on the phone, and settle into my seat. I am disgusting.

A body-bashing attack seemingly comes out of nowhere. The body bashers sneak in through some small open door in the back of your mind and carpet every thought with a layer of body judgment and negativity. At times it’s hard to even recognize that the body bashers have crept in and are lurking in the shadows, spewing negative body thoughts. Everything appears fine and the negative body thoughts go unacknowledged until suddenly you are swept away in body-bashing and it seems that you have only two options: continue the diatribe or plan your next diet, exercise regiment, or binge, or some other form of self-deprecation.

There is a third option. You can choose to face the body bashers head-on, become present, and healthily process your true emotions. Here are the steps you can take when in the midst of a body-bashing attack:

1. Freeze your thoughts in the moment and acknowledge that they are body-bashing thoughts, taking away their power. If possible, physically freeze where you are so you can focus on this moment.     I am huge. My pants are about to burst. What’s that new diet Jen is on? These are body-bashing thoughts. 

2. Feel present in the moment. You may choose to take a deep breath, you may choose to imagine the tension dissolving from a certain area in your body (neck, shoulders), you may choose to close your eyes for a moment.     I will close my eyes, take a deep breath, and imagine the tension dissolving in my shoulders.

3. Feel present in your body. Roll your neck gently from side to side across your chest. Feel the weight of your head as it moves. Breathe and allow your shoulders to melt down your back and away from your ears. Feel the weight of your arms hanging at your side. You may choose to continue this process for the length of your body or you may choose to focus on just one area of your body.      I will roll my neck slowly from side to side across my chest. I can continue breathing and let me shoulders melt down my back. I can feel a cool wind enter through my head and carry calmness down through the rest of my body.

4. Ask yourself, what am I really feeling? That is not in reference to your negative body thoughts. Negative body thoughts are a clear indication that something is amiss, but our true feelings that precipitate body bashing seldom have anything to do with our bodies. As you consider what you are truly feeling, be patient. After years of neglecting our true feelings and resorting to body-bashing, it may take time for us to feel our true feelings. Try to sit with yourself and really hone into your true feelings.     What am I really feeling? I’m feeling like I ate too much. No, that is from the body bashers; that is not my true feelings. I’m feeling angry with my body because my body is so unappealing. No, that is an irrational thought from the body-bashers again. I can either continue down this path of negativity or I can be present with my true feelings. I’m going to let my anger begin to dissipate. What is beneath my anger? Hmmm. Beneath my anger I feel out of control. Why do I feel out of control? I feel out of control about a situation at work, a situation that someone else created that I am now responsible for, and that is causing me a lot of stress.

5. Honor your feelings. This involves not only recognizing your true feelings, as you did in step four, but accepting those feelings as okay. It is okay to feel out of control. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to feel stressed. It is okay to feel tired. Those are your feelings and you are allowed to feel them. Sit with your feelings for a moment. That does not mean to drown in self-pity, but to honor the fact that you have these feelings and they are at the root of your body-bashing, not the state of your body.     I am feeling out of control and that is causing me stress. I am entitled to my feelings.

6. Express your feelings. Call a friend, write down your feelings, sing, dance, move.  If you are having trouble letting the feelings out, watch a movie that brings it out. If you’re in a place where you can’t immediately express your feelings, take a deep breath. Imagine your feeling being released from your body and drifting away. Express it at a later time.     I can’t call anyone while at work, but I can send my sister a text to see if we can talk during our lunch breaks. I can also take a deep breath and imagine those feelings leaving my body.

7. Put on your love lens. When we are having negative thoughts about ourselves, it seems as though we are so deserving of our self-judgment. But by looking at others through a love lens we can begin to release our judgments and view the world in a softer, more accepting way. In having kind thoughts about others we can open the door to kind thoughts about ourselves.      I will choose to look at everyone with love. I will see the beauty in all people. I will only welcome goodness and light.

8. Practice self-care. After a body-bashing attack is a time to be especially gentle with yourself. After all, if a child was bullied, would you then berate the child and fault him or her for being bullied? No, you would gently care for the child. The same goes for the way you treat yourself after a body-bashing attack. Body bashers are bullies in your mind. It is important to care for yourself after an attack by doing something that makes you feel good. Perhaps it is taking a walk, nap, or bath, doing yoga or going to a movie, making plans with a friend or listening to music. Self-care also includes managing situations that are having a negative impact on you. If a situation at work is causing you stress, brainstorm ways to improve the situation or request a meeting with one of your co-workers so you can brainstorm together. If your mornings are filled with anxiety, try something different. Take a walk in the morning or meditate or wake up earlier so you have time just relax. Perhaps going to bed earlier would help you to feel more rested and less anxious in the morning. If a situation with your partner is causing you negative feelings, sit down with him or her and express your feelings from a place of love and then brainstorm ways to improve the situation. Self-care is being gentle with yourself while also being proactive in improving situations that are not enhancing your well-being.     I am stressed about this situation at work, but I will be okay. I am going to request a meeting with my co-worker to discuss how we can improve this situation. In the meantime I am going to treat myself gently and make time to relax tonight. I am giving myself space to feel calm and release my stress while also handling the situation at work.

Next time you’re in the midst of a body-bashing attack, try these steps to help center yourself, acknowledge and express your true feelings, and treat yourself with care. The body bashers are not your true voice. You can take control and allow your authentic voice to shine through.

[the-body-revolution]

Body Bashers

What are Body Bashers? I think of body bashers as these little creatures that come into our minds and spew negative body thoughts. It is helpful to see body bashers as separate from our actual minds because they are not our true voices; they are merely the negative voices that we have used for years to hurt ourselves. By separating our true voices from the voices of the body bashers, we are able to view ourselves as separate from the body bashers and begin the process of eliminating them for good.

When do Body Bashers Enter Our Minds? Body bashers are pesky little creatures that can enter our minds at any time, but especially at times when we are vulnerable. We may be vulnerable when we experience certain emotions or physical states, such as tiredness, or when we are feeling judged and/or judgmental of others. Our vulnerability typically has little, if anything, to do with our bodies, but body bashers see our vulnerable moments as times to sneak in and displace our actual feelings onto our bodies.  

What is a Body-Bashing Attack? A body-bashing attack occurs when body bashers enter our minds and begin spewing negative body thoughts (in my mind they always use super-soaker water guns to send out the thoughts). A body-bashing attack may be a subtle, constant stream of negative body thoughts or it could be so strong that it could feel crippling. A body-bashing attack may play continuously like a cassette tape in the back of your mind (well that’s my mind, yours may be an iPod Shuffle) or just come at random bursts that enable you to lash out at loved ones (or fellow drivers), berate yourself in front of the mirror, or curl up in a ball and cry. The thoughts can include specific negative thoughts about you or your body, thoughts about someone else’s body, or snarky judgments about yourself or someone else. 

Where Do Body Bashers Come From? A body-bashing attack may play out over the course of a few moments, but the foundation for these narratives (and the body bashers) was set long before. As children we begin internalizing the messages that we observe or receive. From commercials to movies to comments to looks from people, there is an endless stream of messages. We compile those messages to form our personal narratives, the stories we tell ourselves that will play out in our minds for years to come. For some people, there is a specific moment in which they realized their bodies “weren’t good enough,” but for others there is no specific moment, there is just a compilation of messages that build up to convince us that we’re not good enough. 

Since we adopt certain messages to form our narratives, we also adopt the behaviors that accompany those messages. We adopt the behaviors before we even understand what the messages or behaviors really mean. For instance, when I was a child, the main women in my life were always dieting. So I internalized dieting as par for the course. Dieting was what women did. They talked about it and fashioned their meals around it and didn’t eat dessert because of it (a tragedy, really). I internalized the messages about dieting before I truly understood dieting. And then I adopted the dieting behaviors. By the time I was in sixth grade I wasn’t eating dessert. By the time I was 15 I was on my first diet. I had built my narratives about dieting. I was building my narratives about my body.

Eliminating BBs There are certain steps you can take when you are in the throes of a body-bashing attack to healthily process your feelings. However, the first step is recognizing when the body bashers have entered your mind. Begin today by recognizing any thought you have about your body and appearance, be it positive or negative (positive thoughts can sometimes lead to judgments and then negative thoughts). With every negative thought, recognize that it is coming from the body bashers and not from your true voice. This will lay the foundation for separating the body bashers from your true voice and your true self. With every positive thought, be aware of where the thought is coming from and where it is heading to ensure that the positive thought is not a guise for judgment or negative thoughts.

Body bashers may be pesky and hurtful and seemingly always lurking, but you can start dismantling their power today. Body bashers are not your true, authentic self. Body bashers are limiting. You are limitless.

[the-body-revolution]

Flaw Inventory

I used to have a flaw inventory. It was a list of all of my perceived physical imperfections. I used this list as “motivation” for my unhealthy behaviors and thoughts around food and exercise. It was a tool I used to successfully hurt myself and keep my mind trapped in a cycle of body obsession and body abuse.

My flaw inventory was assessed daily and my “progress” was completely subjective. It was based on how I felt about myself in a given moment, what other emotions I was experiencing, the behaviors and activities in which I was involved at the time, and how I “measured up” in regards to the number on my scale, the size of my clothes, and my reflection in the mirror (which was undoubtedly distorted).

The inventory was an asset of my self-destruction. Though it was extensive, I especially focused on the items I that I couldn’t change, those that were physically impossible for me to change. The shape of my thighs. My muscularity. The shape of my nose. My face without makeup. And on and on. It was as though these perceived flaws were the only things that mattered in regards to my self-worth and therefore I was failing as a human being. As a result of these “flaws,” I viewed myself unattractive, undesirable, unwanted. Above all, I saw these flaws as proof that I was unworthy of love and affection and intimacy.

It took years for me to construct my narratives around my body and my “flaws.” During those years I was gathering evidence to support my narratives. That supposed evidence was really anything I could internalize and warp to hurt myself. Positive compliments, any and all judgments (or, rather, perceived judgments), the slightest look from someone else—I could take anything and warp it into a negative assessment of my “flaws.” I wrote and rewrote the narratives of my life around my flaw inventory to hurt myself.

Where did these narratives come from? We are inundated with messages that tell us how we should look and what an ideal, “worthy” man and woman look like. I used those messages from the media to form and reinforce my own narratives. But above all, I used snippets from people close to me to form my own narratives. I internalized my mom’s body-bashing in front of the mirror, my grandma’s newest exercise plan, and my friend’s latest diet to prove that bodies, particularly women's bodies, were wrong and needed to be fixed. I used their narratives to fuel my flaw inventory and to form my narratives.

And where did all of their narratives come from? Society, media, people in their lives? Societies have always had physical ideals for men and women, dating back to ancient Greece and ancient Egypt. A major difference now is that media and industry are able to commodify those ideals and continuously repackage and “resell” those ideals to people. Since the ideals naturally encompass such a small percentage of the population, everyone who does not meet those ideals can spend copious amounts of time, energy, and money towards reaching those physically unattainable ideals and thus create an infinite source of fuel for flaw inventories.

But the truth is that flaw inventories don’t have to exist because flaws don’t exist—they were constructed through narratives and messages received over time. The first thing you can do to begin dismantling your flaw inventory and rewriting your own narratives is to begin looking at all people through a different lens, a flaw-free lens, a love lens. Instead of looking at other people and dissecting their flaws, start focusing solely on their positive attributes. The way they laugh with their friends, the way they show patience to their children, the way they smile subtly when checking a text message. Slow down a moment. Be aware of your thoughts. Look with love.

When you are seeing through a love lens, everyone can radiate beauty and light. Start redefining the beauty that you see in others and you will begin breaking down your own flaw inventory. You will begin building the blocks to your personal love lens.

Flaws don’t exist. They are an invention of the mind. When you see the world through love, you may find that beauty lies everywhere. You will ultimately find that the greatest beauty lies within you.

[the-body-revolution]

Redefining "You"

Who are you?

I mean truly, who are you?

I’m not referring to the roles you fill, the possessions you have, your outward appearance, or your status. I’m referring to who you truly are as a human being.

I used to say that I was a swimmer. I defined myself as a swimmer for over 14 years of my life. About 11 years into defining myself as a swimmer, I hurt my shoulders. I was left with a basket of pain and frustration, and, a little deeper down, a complete lack of self. After all, who was I if I wasn’t a swimmer? Naturally, I kept swimming. And swimming. And swimming. I swam my way to a D1 university on a scholarship for swimming. I swam until I could no longer lift my arms to shampoo my own hair due to my shoulder pain. 

And then I stopped swimming. My world came crashing down.

Identity crisis ensued.

Who was I if I wasn’t a swimmer? There was a void in my heart, in my being. And without swimming as a filler, that void was expanding. The void was big and dark. I didn’t want to feel its power so instead of delving into who I am and working on that dark hole in the center of my heart, I filled it. I filled it with a toxic relationship and a new role, a new label. This one was called teacher.

What do you use to define yourself, to fill the hole in the center of your being? Who are you?

Philosophers have pondered this question for years. I don’t pretend to have the answers to the questions of the universe, not in the least. But having really sat with this question for the past few years, I do have some idea of what we, as humans, are not.

We are not our roles.

We are not our labels.

We are not our possessions, our status symbols, or our wealth.

We are not our prestige, our education, or our degrees.

We are not our looks.

We are not our bodies.

That is not to say that we don’t take the things listed above seriously. A person could say that her most important role is that of mother. Or friend. Or CEO. Or _________. But at the end of the day, it would still be a role. And using a role to define oneself can lead to frustration, disappointment, and emptiness because no matter how much energy is put into that role, it cannot make a person complete.  

When I defined myself as a teacher, that definition, that role, completely shrouded the black hole in my heart. It wasn’t an authentic shroud, but it allowed me to devote a great deal of time, energy, money, and brain-power to filling that role.  I went home from teaching each day completely exhausted and drained of mental energy because I depleted everything I had. That’s not to say teaching isn’t exhausting or that it doesn’t require mental, physical, and emotional energy; it does. But when there is a black hole in the center of your being that you don’t want to face, distracting yourself from it and expending all of your energy to fill it and avoid it, is often a tactic we use. Whether we fill that hole with our roles, with acquiring possessions or status or education, or with “perfecting” our physical appearance, we do our best to avoid feeling what’s missing. We distract, we fill, we disengage, we exhaust, we avoid.

We avoid feeling the fact that we have no idea who we are and we have no idea what makes us come alive.

All is not lost though. Whether you are six or ninety-six, you can feel the hole in your heart and work to complete. Notice I said complete it, not fill it. Filling it just a space-stopper. Actually completing it requires becoming a whole, healthy, complete person. It requires introspection and growth. It’s the knuckles in the sand, no-holds-barred dirty work.

But it’s worth it. After all, this is your one and only life.

Try brainstorming all of the ways in which you currently define yourself, including the fillers. Then eliminate those fillers—the ones that are roles, labels, possessions, symbols, appearances, etc. See what you’re left with.

If you were like me and you eliminated all of the fillers only to find that you have nothing left to fill the hole in your heart, maybe it’s time to figure out what sets your soul on fire.

Maybe it’s time to figure out who you truly are.

[the-body-revolution]

Remember when you didn’t really think about your body?  When you ran carefree through the park without noticing your thighs rubbing together, played games with your friends without talking about the latest celebrity diet, drank lemonade without considering its calorie-count?  

Now it may seem as though too many of your thoughts revolve around the concerted effort to change your body.

No cake for me, I’m being good this week.

After that weekend, I need to get to the gym.

Jane has lost so much weight. She looks great. Why don't I have any willpower?

We are wasting our precious brain-power on this?!  We, who have so much to offer the world, are using our brain cells to devalue our bodies?

The obsession with our bodies is a ploy established to keep us down.  How liberated is a person who spends his or her life berating and/or trying to change his or her body?  It is a brilliant and tragic scheme to keep us focused on the one thing that we cannot truly change. Sure we can adjust our food intake, food choices, and exercise amounts, but in most cases, and despite our greatest efforts, our bodies will take the shapes that they naturally have (and revert to those shapes even after years of body manipulation).

I once dated a man who gave me a checklist of what his ideal woman looked like (I know, I know, we'll get to toxic relationships in another post). I remember looking at the list and fixating on the one criterion that I most obviously didn't meet and couldn't meet—height.

His ideal woman was tall.

I am 5'4". I wear petite clothing sizes. No matter what I do I will not be tall. My body is not going to stretch. 

The existence of this checklist was the first indication that something was amiss within my relationship and within me.  Internalizing the list and wanting to please someone else with my body was another issue.  How did fixating on my height enhance my life? Why was I reducing myself to my height or any aspect of my body? Doing so was marginalizing myself, diminishing myself to a number--in this case my height. It could have been the size of my feet, the shape of my nose, the curve of my stomach, or the number on my scale. Using any of these things to define, judge, or quantify myself was an act of control. In my case, it was someone else trying to minimize and control me, and I completely acquiesced. In fact, I played into it and therefore contributed.

Della Hicks-Wilson wrote:

who taught you

that the

value of a woman

is the ratio

of her waist

to her hips

and the circumference

of her buttocks

and the volume

of her lips?

Your math

is

dangerously wrong

her value

is

nothing less

than

infinite.

How are you quantifying yourself? How are you minimizing yourself? How are you keeping yourself controlled? Consider the ways that you quantify yourself and be aware of the quantifying behaviors in which you partake.  Is it by using the scale, doing body checks, trying to fit back into those "skinny jeans?"

Choose one quantifying behavior and decide to eliminate that behavior for a week. Be diligent. Every time you catch yourself with the urge to do that behavior, replace it with a positive behavior, such as smiling, saying a positive mantra, or doing five star jumps. Yes, even you can do star jumps. Notice how you feel.

You don't have to be controlled or quanitfied or minimized. You are brilliance and light. You are more than your parts, you are more than your body.

[the-body-revolution]

Join the Revolution

There is a picture of me on my 6th birthday.  It was a pool party and I’m wearing a lime green two-piece bathing suit with royal blue straps and silver sparkles all over.  My stomach is exposed and I am smiling.

It is my first memory of feeling fat.

Six years old?!  Well happy birthday to me!  It’s a tragedy to think that that blue-eyed little girl thought she was (gasp) fat.  But perhaps the greater tragedy was that I continued body-bashing for the next 19 years.  19 years!  19 years spent waiting for my body to get “better,” waiting to be present in my body, waiting to accept that this was the body I was going to have for the rest of my life.

19 years is a long time.

Well fast-forward 19 years and something clicked.  A light started flickering.  I followed the light and then fireworks went off inside my mind.  I finally feel good about my body.  Not just good, great.  Amazing.  Incredible.  Sexy.  Fun.  My body rocks.  

And so does yours.

This is my Body Revolution.  My magnum opus.  My Mona Lisa.  This is the physical representation of how I feel about myself.  Fireworks.

Where are your fireworks?

Join The Body Revolution.