There's Incorrect Quotes in that Nebula

Things that Kathryn Janeway and her intrepid crew would say if the writers weren't such cowards! Featuring Voyager's unhingedly happy defector dish!

[the-coffee-nebula]

*Tuvok gets a phone call* Tuvok: Yes? Janeway: Is Chakotay there? I need to talk to him. Tuvok: No, Chakotay is dead. Chakotay, very much alive next to Tuvok: TUVOK WHAT THE FUCK-

[the-coffee-nebula]

Neelix: I ran into Mr Kim in the mess hall at 0100 last night and when I asked him what he was doing, he just shrugged, said “these are my roaming hours,” and wandered off, playing his clarinet.

[the-coffee-nebula]

Janeway: *Picks up hammer and breaks chirping commbadge.*

[the-coffee-nebula]

Janeway: Please say words of encouragement to me so I don’t murder someone right now. Tuvok: There are no books in prison. Janeway: *sighs* Thank you.

[becauseforoncethisisme]

(Via @kremblor)

[the-coffee-nebula]

Janeway, to Tom: Please, picking locks is my specialty. Janeway: *throws a brick through the window* Janeway: Okay, let’s go.

[the-coffee-nebula]

Janeway: I'm cold. Chakotay: Here, take my jacket.

*meanwhile*

B'Elanna: I'm cold. Tom: I can't control the weather, B'Elanna.

[the-coffee-nebula]

Janeway: Please say words of encouragement to me so I don’t murder someone right now. Tuvok: There are no books in prison. Janeway: *sighs* Thank you.

[suekay]

The Long Walk Home - Chapter 36

I updated my fic!!!!

This is an Endgame fixer/Character study of both Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay. Hope you enjoy!

[the-coffee-nebula]

It's shameless self-promotion time...

[insanewaykathy]

Chakotay, somewhere in the delta quadrant: The captain can put a collar on me if she wants, she can make me lie on the ground and stomp on me with her boots. Tuvok: Is this a dream, a logical observation, a fetish, a venting of frustration, or a cry for help?

[the-coffee-nebula]

Janeway: Between Tom, Chakotay, Harry, and B'Elanna - if you had to - who would you punch? Tuvok: It would be illogical to punch any of them. They are valued colleagues. I would not strike any of them. Janeway: Tom? Tuvok: … Tuvok: I would concede that to be the correct answer, but I do not have a logical reason as to why.

[the-coffee-nebula]

Incorrect The Cloud

Neelix: Captain! I’ve created a new beverage to cure your caffeine addiction! Janeway: Neelix, the last one tasted like a cry for help. Neelix: This one is better! It's a little hug in a mug! Janeway: It feels like I'm drinking an Armus

Chakotay: You seem tense. Janeway: I’m the captain of a lost starship and my coffee has been replaced by something that could be weaponised under the Geneva Convention. I’m absolutely thriving. Chakotay: Well, crew morale is low. Janeway: So is my coffee supply. Coincidence? I think not. Chakotay: You should try talking to a spirit animal like I do, it's healthier for you Janeway: Let me guess - yours is a bear Chakotay, crying: Why would you say that?!

Paris: We found a nebula full of coffee particles. Janeway: Excellent. Let’s fly directly into it without asking any follow‑up questions. Tuvok: A flawless plan.

Kes: Captain, the nebula might be alive. Janeway: Of course it is. Everything out here is alive. Even the replicator is plotting against me.

Janeway: We may have injured the nebula. Paris: We stabbed it with the ship, Captain. Janeway: Yes, but we did it gently. Like a little prod Tuvok: The readings indicate it was not a "little prod"

Chakotay: Captain, you need a spirit guide. Janeway: I need coffee. Chakotay: Your spirit guide might be a coffee- Janeway: Finally, something that makes sense. Chakotay: -beetle. A coffee beetle.

Chakotay: We need to heal the wound we caused. Janeway: Fine. Let’s go apologise to the giant space jellyfish. Torres: We can patch the wound with a warp plasma burst. Janeway: B’Elanna, that sounds like science. Do it.

EMH: If anyone dies, I want it on record that I disapproved of this entire mission. Janeway: Duly noted, Doctor.

Kim: The nebula is stabilising. Janeway: Well thank fuck for that.

Kim: Would you care to visit France this evening? Janeway: I do love France, what's the plan? Kim: A group of us are playing a game called pool Kim: It involves hitting things Janeway: That sounds delightful!

Chakotay: Welcome to France, care to join us for a game of pool? Janeway: It's perfect that you're here, I've been meaning to get my hands on your stick Paris: That's not how this game works, Cap- Chakotay: -No no no she can handle my stick whenever she wants Janeway: *pots everything* Chakotay: …I'm guessing your spirit animal was a pool shark then

[the-coffee-nebula]

Incorrect Phage

Janeway: Would you care to flirt over breakfast? Chakotay: Why wait till breakfast when we can just flirt right here in the corridor? Janeway: I like a man who thinks on his feet. And we can flirt again later on the bridge

Neelix: Surprise! I’ve opened a restaurant. I accept tips, compliments, and emotional validation. Janeway: The fuck Neelix? This was my private dining room! Neelix: Well now it's my kitchen. You'll have to flirt with Commander Chakotay in public now! Janeway: …I'm gonna go organise an away mission so I can replicate stuff and stay away from whatever the fuck is stinking out this room Neelix: Can I come too?

Chakotay: Away team, stay close to me. Neelix: Absolutely. I will immediately do the opposite.

Kim: Sir, he’s wandered off. Chakotay: Of course he has. Why do I even bother..

Neelix: Hello? Who's there? I bring with me only enthusiasm and zero caution!

EMH: His lungs have vanished Chakotay: That's kind of neat, I didn't know Talaxians could do that. Does this mean he'll be quieter from now on?

Kes: Can’t he have artificial lungs? EMH: Well that's a stupid idea... but actually…

Janeway: We’re going back down there with phasers, cos I'm hella pissed. Tuvok: Captain, the rock wall is fake. Janeway: Shoot it until it stops lying.

EMH: With hololungs he might live forever in a tube, unable to move, unable to leave this room. Kes: So… like a very sad houseplant. EMH: Precisely.

Neelix: Kes, Tom Paris is trying to steal you from me. Kes: Neelix, he’s literally just standing there. Neelix: Where? All I see is a big, ugly hormone looming over you

Paris, flying into the asteroid: Captain, this tunnel is getting narrow. Janeway: Use your judgement. Paris: My judgement says ‘no.’ Janeway: Override your judgement.

Tuvok: We appear to be in a hall of mirrors. Paris: I’ve always wanted to drive a starship through a funhouse. Chakotay: Let’s fire phasers at minimum power and hope for the best. Janeway: That is the most Starfleet sentence I’ve heard all week.

Janeway: Hey you, yeah you, ugly. Return Neelix’s lungs. Dereth: We can’t. We’ve installed them in my friend. Motura: But we'll make sure to give his species a good review on trustpilot Janeway: I sympathise with your disease, but if you steal organs from my crew again, I will personally end you. Motura: If it makes things better we can save Neelix's life. All it'll cost is another member of the crew a lung

Kes: I volunteer as tribute

Dereth: Are we gonna leg it before they figure out her lungs only have a shelf life of like 7 years? Motura: Duh, of course we are

[the-coffee-nebula]

Incorrect Time and Again

Kim: Captain, this planet is dead. Janeway: Oh, I do love a mystery. Let's check it out!

Kes: I’m having visions. Neelix: Have you tried not doing that?

Paris: This was a really nice mall once upon a time Paris: Hey, what’s this glowing crack in the air? Oh shiny Janeway: The fuck Tom? Paris, *touches it*: Oops.

Latika: Demons! Paris: Finally, someone who understands me. Janeway: Tom, stop encouraging the locals.

Tuvok: We have detected a temporal distortion. Chakotay: In layman's terms? Tuvok: Time is being wibbly wobbly.

Activists: Hello tourists, we've kidnapped you! Janeway: Actually we're not tourists, we're aliens! Activist leader: She's insane

Activist Leader: Hey crazy people - Help us break into the power plant! Janeway: Absolutely not. Activist Leader: We have a gun. Janeway: Absolutely yes.

Paris: Captain, are we the bad guys? Janeway: Just shut up and keep befriending the kid, and don't get shot Paris: *gets shot* Janeway: Fucking hell, must I do everything myself?

Kim: We found the fracture again! Tuvok: Excellent. Now we simply need to violate physics.

Janeway: This reactor is going to explode because my crew are dumbasses. Activist Leader: Should we… leave? Janeway: No. We’re going to fix it by shooting it. Activist: Are you serious?!? Janeway: This is actually very on brand for us.

Janeway, firing phaser: Oh I can see the wibbly wobbles!

Janeway: Did something happen? Paris: I feel like I was just talking to someone with the same maturity level as me Kes: I remember everything. Neelix: No you don't. Kes: Okay, no I don't.

[the-coffee-nebula]

Incorrect Parallax

Carey: Look at my nose, B'Elanna's psychopath!

Tuvok: We must lock her up and throw away the key. Chakotay: I don't like that. There must be another solution.

Seska: Here's one - let me murder Janeway. Chakotay: …I think not.

Chakotay: B'Elanna’s my recommendation for Chief Engineer. Janeway: Are you fucking serious? Your recommendation punched a man! Chakotay: In her defence, he's dollar store O'Brien

Janeway: We still need to choose a Chief Engineer. Tuvok: Torres is volatile, unpredictable, and prone to violence. Janeway: So… Starfleet material?

Janeway: We need to get closer to the event horizon. B’Elanna: That’s a terrible idea. Janeway: Perfect, let’s do it. Chakotay: Captain, are you sure this is wise? Janeway: No. But it’s very me.

Tom: I don't like this fish pond. Any other ideas? Janeway and B'Elanna: Warp particles! Janeway: Let's save the day Tom: I love that for us.

Tom: We made it! Harry: We’re alive! Doctor: Unfortunately.

B’Elanna: I don’t want the job. Janeway: Well then, that settles it - you’re hired. B’Elanna: That’s not how this works. Janeway: Chakotay will sulk if I don't.

[the-coffee-nebula]

In Bloomington, Indiana

Phoebe: You know, when Chakotay comes over, Kathryn can get a little… Aunt Martha: Psycho? Gretchen: Scary? Aunt Martha: Drunk? Phoebe: All three.

[the-coffee-nebula]

Incorrect Caretaker

Janeway: Find me a pilot who’s talented, insubordinate, and deeply annoying. Owen: Good, take my son. He can be your problem now. Paris: I’m only co-operating because prison is boring. Janeway: Excellent. Let’s go find my missing Vulcan bestie and also ruin your life further.

Kim: Wow, my first day in Starfleet! I hope nothing traumatic happens. Stadi: *dies* Cavit: *dies dramatically* Caretaker: *banjo noises* Surprise! You’re all in the Delta Quadrant now. I'll be stealing your new kid, k thx bye!

Doctor: I’m a hologram, not a therapist, but I can tell morale is already terrible.

Neelix: Hello strangers! I will now attach myself to your crew like an enthusiastic parasite!

B'Elanna: I hate you, Starfleet. Kim: I kind of like you, Maquis.

Kazon: Give us water or we’ll shoot you. Janeway: Here, have some water Neelix: No, no water for you! *shoots the water* Kes: Please take me with you. I’ve been imprisoned for having opinions and terrible taste in men.

Chakotay: Paris, I hate you. Paris: Great, because I hate me too.

Caretaker: I’m dying. Also, I may have accidentally doomed an entire planet. Oops. Caretaker: I couldn't get Harry Kim pregnant so everyone's really screwed now *dies* Tuvok: Captain, fuck that dead rock - we can use the array to return home. Janeway: Or - and hear me out - we could blow it up and strand ourselves forever. Tuvok: That is… a choice.

B'Elanna: This fucking sucks. Chakotay: Not gonna lie, I'm quite happy with this arrangement

Paris: So, am I still a criminal? Janeway: Yes, but now you’re my criminal. Chakotay: And I’m your first officer because you need someone to do the paperwork? Janeway: Kind of? You also give me legitimacy with your crew… and you're kinda hot Chakotay: … Who's the dude in that photo with you? Janeway: … Who?

Janeway: We’re 70,000 light‑years from home. Kim: How long will it take to get back? Janeway: About 75 years. Neelix: Plenty of time for me to experiment with Leola root! Tuvok: I foresee no logical escape from this.

[the-coffee-nebula]

In Bloomington, Indiana

*Chakotay comes home absolutely drunk, undresses, and stands in Janeway’s bedroom.* Janeway: Are you.. coming to bed? Chakotay: No thank you, I’m sure you’re lovely but I have a girlfriend. Chakotay: *Lies on the ground and falls asleep* Janeway: ...