Heh...hehehehe...hi. So, I'm still alive. And I'm here to do a 90210 tribute post to our favorite psychopath, Emily Valentine! Why? Because I hate Valentine's Day and everything it stands for. I'm single. There's a guy I like that I can't be with. And because 90210 just generally makes everything better.
Oh, and also because I love all of you.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It starts out like any other normal day at West Beverly High. School has just started back again, and everyone is freaking out about this being senior year and all that shit. Andrea has 50000 pencils, Steve has god-awful ugly shirts, Brandon dreams about getting a pedicure...you know, the usual.
However, something changes this year. We meet someone new. An intriguing, bleached blonde, monotone sounding individual who will makes waves. She's only in 12 episodes, but she makes an impression.
That facial expression says it all, folks. (Actually, that's usually just my facial expression whenever she's on screen)
To be fair, Emily's first little bit on the show does not make her out to be the crazy person that she will, indeed, become. Actually, I almost feel a little bad for her. Sure, she makes dates with both Brandon and Dylan, but they're the ones who asked her out. How the hell was she supposed to know the cardinal rule of West Beverly?:
Brandon: I think youāre doing just fine.
Emily: I was, until I broke the 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Go Out With Brenda Walshās Boyfriend.
Note: EX-BOYFRIEND! Ā (At the moment)
Now, the rest of the girls treat Emily like absolute shit for no reason other than she's the new girl who all the boys die for (I don't really get it, but that's still no reason to treat her like shit).
Somehow, she makes a bit of amends with the gals and they perform this absolutely dreadful song-and-dance routine to "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do". Emily dresses like this:
And the rest of the girls dress like Kelly and dance in the background and generally do nothing. (Note, Emily also sings horribly off beat and it drives me crazy every single time I watch it.)
So that's Emily's introduction. Let's move on:
Emily is also in two episodes after that, but nothing happens so I don't care. She joins the paper. Whoot.
Episode 4: It's now Halloween. Brandon hates Halloween. Observe him stabbing a pumpkin in rage:
Instead of going to the Halloween party with the rest of the entire school, he stays home, dresses like a Vampire and scares the shit out of Trick or Treaters. Behold, Emily shows up with her two little cousins, and she and Brandon take them Trick or Treating.Ā
Well done, guys. You had one job. (Also, Emily sucks at making costumes):
Brandon: I like your costumes.
Drew: She cut holes in a sheet!
Brandon: Wow, wasnāt that creative of her?
Never fear though, all is well. The kids find their way back to the Walsh's and sit on the couch eating Cindy's raisin rejects.
Episode 5: The gang gets invited to Scott's birthday party. It's at his house because apparently Chuck E Cheese was unavailable. Brandon and Emily are less than thrilled, so they pass the time by going upstairs and making out in Scott's bedroom. Which is the most action that room will ever see. (Too soon?)
I mean, I don't know why they wouldn't want to be at the party. Clearly, this party is a HOOT! (This will never not be my favorite picture)
I have no blame for Emily in this episode. Brandon is clearly a douchebag...
Episode 6: Ah, NOW we're talking! This is the U4EA episode. The one where we start to realize that this chick is bananas.Ā
Long story short, Emily invites the gang to a sketchy club. She gives Brandon drugs. Brandon's car gets trashed. The end.Ā
Yeah, my thoughts exactly, David...
Besides, with this quote, Brandon should not be anywhere near drugs:
Emily: See the 4 on his shirt? He sells euphoria.
Brandon: The mood or the drug?
Brandon and Emily break up. Emily doesn't take it so well, which leads us to....
Episode 7: THIS CHICK IS CRAZY PANTS!!
For some reason, Emily ends up staying at the Walsh house even though she and Brandon are on the rocks. She's doing everything she can to get Brandon back.Ā
Like plotting to kill Brenda in her sleep:
And...doing something to Brandon in his sleep. I'm unnerved...
Brandon finally has enough of this shit and tells Emily to take a hike. Emily loses her mind and almost burns down the gang's parade float. (Oh, the horror)
So yeah, she's psycho, but she does leave us with this little gem before she goes to rehab:
āIf some of the little bitches get caught in the flames, pass me another marshmallowā
You'd think we'd seen the last of her, but no. Oh no. The writers love her. And so does Jason Priestley, so she's coming back.
The next time we see her, Brandon visits her in rehab at Christmas. Nothing happens.Ā
Then suddenly, TWO YEARS LATER, Brandon randomly decides that he wants to go to San Francisco to see her. Why? Why why why?
As luck would have it, Brandon jumps on a random cable car once he gets there and just HAPPENS to find her there on the same one. Amazing.Ā
She's doing well, I guess...
Brandon: You seem a lot better now.
Emily: Well I stopped playing with matches.
She may have stopped playing with matches, but she can't cook a turkey for shit.
So, Brandon stays in San Fran with Emily for a bit. They're in love. Because Brandon needed a story line.
Only problem is, Emily has been accepted to a school in France. Brandon tells her to go. They have a heart to heart under a bridge. Emily leaves. Brandon goes home. All is well.
ONE YEAR LATER, the actress is still doing Jason Priestley, so she comes back AGAIN! And this time, she ruins everything.
Take note, Brandon and Kelly are together at this point.Ā
Emily comes home from France and asks Brandon to pick her up at the airport. Donna goes, "Excuse me?"
(Ray has no idea because he doesn't know who the hell that is)
Brandon does it anyway because he's an idiot.
Also, please note that Emily comes home from France looking like this...THE HELL???
Emily confesses that she still loves him, Brandon is an idiot. He stays with Emily at her hotel while Kelly almost dies in a fire.Ā
In Emily's final episode (for real this time), Brandon now feels like absolute shit because he was with Emily while Kelly was stuck in a fire.
Yes, you should feel very, very, bad about yourself...
Kelly is in the hospital and Brandon frickin' GOES TO SEE EMILY!Ā
Emily actually has the good sense to tell him that Kelly needs him and that even though she loves him, he should be with Kelly.
And thus ends the reign of Emily Valentine.
God bless you, Emily. You may have ruined everything, but I think it's clear that Brandon is the real psychopath here.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And that's all folks. Hope you enjoy.
ALSO, SURPRISE! I totally just realized that I still have four posts in my queue. Heh...my bad. So, those are coming soon.Ā