The Glass Belle

I am a woman in a full-time, Dominant/submissive marriage. My husband and I turned to power exchange because the constant power struggles of our vanilla marriage killed our intimacy and made us both deeply unhappy. With D/s, we've discovered a bond beyond our wildest dreams. This blog is to share our journey, and to encourage others who might find themselves on the same path. NSFW. Sexual content. Ages 18+ only.

[spicenwolf]

Just Ordinary

We used to think that D/s was magic. That it would protect us from all the ills that plague ordinary relationships. Like Glinda, we would float around Oz in a magic bubble, safe from harm.

Thirteen months of living together later, we’ve realized that fairy tales don’t come true. Dominance and submission is a fine thing, but it doesn’t make our lives sparkly. I still don’t like most of his favorite foods. He still doesn’t want to watch my favorite movies. He’s poly and I’m not, and all the rules in the world can’t erase the hurt feelings that go along for that wild ride. We used to say that spanking was the universal cure for everything. Spoiler alert: it’s not.

What do we do now that we’ve faced this awful realization? Surely we should just throw in the towel and look for partners who are more compatible. Life is too short to be lived without heart racing, adrenaline pumping passion, and every other night play sessions. Right?

Maybe it’s just human nature to continually strive for perfection. We get that thing we’ve searched so long for, and as soon as the newness wears off, we start wondering if there’s an even better thing out there.

“Well this relationship is good, but I want what I read about on Tumblr!”

Somehow we get so busy worrying about the parts that aren’t magical, we forget the parts that are.

He might hurt my feelings, but it’s never intentional. I might not like the shows he wants to watch, but it really doesn’t matter so much when I’m warm on the couch beside him. I will probably never be happy eating vegetables, but we both love Mexican. And here’s the kicker - every single morning, I wake up next to someone who loves me, takes care of me, and buckles me into his collar to remind me of my need to be his.

We aren’t perfect, and D/s can’t save us from ourselves. Our commitment to keep trying every single day can.

[the-glass-belle]

Thanks for the reminder :)

[the-glass-belle]

Does anyone else find married D/s to be hard sometimes?

I don’t long for something else or someone else, but there are times when I long for *this* to be easier.  D and I talk about how busy we are, and we tell one another when we are lonely for a more intimate connection, but damn sometimes it seems like we are helpless to do anything but put our heads down and just keep pushing though. 

I need, more than ever, in times of high stress and crazy schedules, a Dom who is watching out for me.  D needs, more than ever, in times of high stress and crazy schedules, a sub who has his back. 

And lately I feel like we’ve been failing one another at every turn, because at the end of the day, we honestly just have nothing more to give. It’s frustrating and isolating and all we can do is shore up our coping skills or work on finding another way to get our needs met that is acceptable within the bounds of our dynamic. 

The last bit, the “within the bounds of our dynamic” part, is problematic because I am not shared, and D makes the choice to stay monogamous to me.  There is no one else who can fuck me, and I’m good with that, but doing without sex when I want it is less of a hardship for me than doing without pain. With the pain, it feels like a need.  When I need it and for one reason or another can’t have it from D . . . I am so lost.  I really struggle.  

I asked D if I can find someone else to spank me, someone whom I don’t have a complicated relationship with, someone with whom it could be purely transactional, like going to the dentist or my therapist.  Of course he said no.  He knows pain is a part of my sexuality, and deeply meaningful to me on an emotional level, and I can’t complain about him protecting our dynamic.  It’s what he pledged to do. 

But I am consoled that he is not asking more of me than he is asking of himself.  I love and respect him for the way he struggles as hard as I do, every day, to do what he said he would do while he, too, accepts less than what he wants and desires.  And accepts it without bitterness, and still holds me tight. 

We cling to one another and say, “this shall pass,” and in my heart I do believe it.  But from the trenches, the kinky heart still yearns. 

Belle

[the-glass-belle]

"Man," said the Ghost, "if man you be in heart, not adamant, forbear that wicked cant until you have discovered What the surplus is, and Where it is. Will you decide what men shall live, what men shall die? It may be, that in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than millions like this poor man's child. Oh God! to hear the Insect on the leaf pronouncing on the too much life among his hungry brothers in the dust."

--Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

Merry Christmas, one and all.   

[the-glass-belle]

Krampus is hot. 

[sirandhisdiamond]

Yesterday I wrote for awhile, sorting out some of the feelings and thoughts I’d been having and needed to share with Sir. There’s an analogy that women’s minds are like spaghetti, the thoughts and emotions all tangle and linked together and that’s a perfect representation of me. It’s part of why I need to write to sort them out, because I get overwhelmed with all of the connections and have to see it written down to separate things or see exactly where the links are.

It was close to when I was going to leave for work that Sir was ready to read it and talk about it, and as usual it took much less time and was not anywhere near being a big deal like I worry about.

What I had written took up a page in google docs, so I linked that to Sir for him to read and the conversation about it honestly took like ten minutes. He understood what I was saying, said he would look out for/be aware of the things I was concerned might happen. And interrupted himself somewhere in there to say, “You’re my baby.” giving me the reassurance that I needed and love before continuing and asking a couple of clarifying questions about other things.

I felt so silly for letting my anxiety get to me and keeping things to myself, and Sir did remind me to talk to him sooner from now on.

Another thing I have also always appreciated about Sir is that he understands that I need to write to process things and is supportive of letting me do that. There have only been a handful of times where he’s directed or asked me not to write and to just talk to him, and in those instances he’s still given me time to sort out my thoughts.

While this is something I still obviously need to work on, remembering that it’s a rule to tell these things to Sir helps.

~Diamond

[the-glass-belle]

I can relate to this very much.  I’ve been thinking of doing more writing for D and less talking.  When I try to sort through things verbally with D, I inevitably become mired in complexities and nuance that seem relevant to me, but that usually only serve to bog down the conversation for him.  Having spent many years being trained as a writer, I’m instinctively more discerning and efficient when I render my thoughts on paper.  

I am grateful to have a Dominant who is patient with me, and who has taken the time to understand my emotional process--particularly when it is so at odds with his own.  I’d like to find a way to adjust my process so that I can serve him better, and substituting writing for talking, at least some of the time, seems like a compromise that could be good for both of us.  

[the-glass-belle]

I like this picture because it reminds me of D.  Grey hair on a good looking man. Yum.   

[the-glass-belle]

All I need after a hard day. 

[the-glass-belle]

Dear Master:

Give me your cock to suck.

Give me your laundry to fold.

Give me a thong and high heels.

Give me a book I must read. 

Give me a caress on my cheek.

Give me a belt on my ass.

Just please don’t give me a choice. 

[spicenwolf]

The Chameleon

I read a post just yesterday about how wonderful it is to be with a man who lets you be yourself. Only one problem. I was never sure exactly who that was.

It feels like I’ve spent my entire life trying to be exactly what everyone needed. Exemplary daughter, straight A student, resourceful homemaker, dependable mother, hard-working employee. I always pushed myself to be the best at whatever I did, but looking back over the years, I wonder where I was in all of those endeavors. You can only give so much before there’s nothing left.

My relationships were no different. Every man I’ve ever been involved with has brought out a different side of me. It was nice for a while, and then I’d start to wonder where the sparkle went. I got tired of pretending to be exactly what each man wanted, but I was never certain what it was that I wanted. Maybe I’m just like that chameleon; a different persona for every situation. The only difference is that I was completely hollow inside. When I could no longer hold that exotic color, I faded away completely.

Wolf changed everything. Maybe the timing was right, perhaps I’m just so old that I can’t pretend anymore. More than likely, it’s him. From the very first day, he climbed inside my head with dogged determination. It was flattering as hell, but it also meant that he learned every little thing about me. I was cautious at first, revealing bit by bit, waiting for him to run away. Knowing that eventually he would decide he needed more than I could give. He didn’t.

He knows things about me that no one else has ever known. The good, and the ugly. He will tell you that he needs me to take care of him, but for the first time in my life, it’s different. He enjoys it when I take care of him. He doesn’t need it. He owns me, body and soul, and I would do anything in this world I thought would make him happy. It’s still a drop in the bucket compared to what he gives me.

People always talk about the gift of submission. Maybe it is, but his greatest gift to me has been the person he’s uncovered. The one who still does her best every day, but now realizes she doesn’t have to do it alone. He requires my best effort, but guides me when I stumble. He holds my hand when I’m afraid, and reminds me that we’re stronger together. He loves me dearly, but also holds me accountable. He shows me that it’s okay to be weak sometimes. He won’t run away. He is my Master, my teacher, my lover, my best friend.

Maybe I’ll always be a bit of a chameleon. That’s okay. When it comes to his property, he’s color blind.

[the-glass-belle]

I know this feeling: to grow into the wisdom of who you are alongside a partner who lovingly receives who you are.  Beautiful way to live with another human being.

[notnumbersix]

Object in Motion

Sometimes I need to sit with words for a while. Object, possession, property:  these words in particular have caused me some angst as they relate to my submission. When I hear or read them in relation to a person, my immediate reaction is that they are describing A THING. A thing is an object, a possession, property. A thing is inanimate. A thing has no feelings, no identity, no understanding of the world around it. Mostly… it doesn’t matter if a thing is cared for or mistreated, because you can always get another thing.

It must be pretty obvious why I would rebel against such language. I’ve been a thing. I’ve been a thing with so little value that it was a fun idea to put my life in danger, just to see what happened. So how – HOW – can I want my husband to objectify me, possess me, treat me like his property? I do want these things, and explaining the difference is more difficult than I thought.

Except… it’s not difficult. It comes down to context. I’m not a thing to my husband. He loves me, respects me, and lives to make me happy. I trust him, and we talk all the time about what each of us needs and wants. He loves to make me beg for him, and when I do, I’m not begging for my life. I’m begging to touch him, to suck him, for him to touch me, for him to get inside me. He doesn’t use violence to get me to this point; he uses words of love, acts of love. He motivates me by caring for me, ensuring my well-being and just generally being my goddamn hero.

I want him to think of me as his. I need it! Because the opposite is just as true: he’s mine.

[the-glass-belle]

[the-glass-belle]

[the-glass-belle]

A Message For Dominants: What you should know about the risks of “sub crash” in your D/s relationship

I don’t pretend to be an expert on D/s. There are myriad ways that folks choose to set up power exchange relationships, and all of them are unique in their own way. One thing that is clear, however, is that the emotional needs of a submissive are different from the emotional needs of a Dominant. A good submissive or a good Dominant will go to great lengths to understand the needs of his or her partner, but it’s a constant learning process, and one of the ways we learn is from our mistakes. Introducing a D/s structure to my marriage has been a great success in many ways, but over the past year and a half, D and I have come to understand that D/s is a journey and not something you ever completely master. The ups and downs can be dispiriting, and the occasional total train wrecks are nothing short of brutal. Our most recent derailment has, for the first time, made me realize how truly psychologically vulnerable D/s has made me, and I will admit that it scares me. From day one, D has taken his role as Dominant seriously. He’s not in it for the kink. He’s in it for what it does for our marriage and family–the intimacy is intense, and the harmony flows out and enhances every aspect of our lives, both personal and domestic. He would never intentionally hurt me, and has gone to great lengths to research and learn about the psychology of submission, and the different types of submissives and their needs.  But wanting to do well, and intending to do well, and trying your best won’t protect even the most loving Dom from hurting his submissive at some point in a long term D/s relationship. Sometimes a submissive doesn’t even know how she can be hurt until it’s too late. It’s a learning process for both parties. I experienced something last evening that I now realize was an intense sub crash. It followed on the heels of four days of D feeling “adrift” and being unable to care for me in his usual way. This morning I’m still struggling with the effects of the crash, and I truly don’t know what to do about the feelings I’m having. I don’t know how to talk to D about it. There are some things I’ve come to realize about myself and my submission to him that he needs to know, but I am afraid of what it could mean to the future of our D/s dynamic. D and I are familiar with sub drop. He is a pro at after care and I’ve never really had an issue with feeling low in the days after an intense physical exchange. But what I’m referring to as “sub crash” is something entirely different. It’s an emotional response to the sudden withdrawal of the security of the dynamic. In retrospect, I have experienced something like it before, but never to this degree. It brings home to me how deeply I’ve become entrenched in the mindset of submission, how I’ve laid aside many of the defensive “weapons of war” that I once kept at the ready during the bad years of our marriage. Submission has changed me in a way I’m not entirely sure I’m comfortable with. This crash was so bad that risking it repeatedly doesn’t seem entirely responsible. It’s not good for me and its not good for my marriage. When I say submission has “changed me,” what I mean is that it has laid me completely open and vulnerable to being emotionally and mentally eviscerated by the person who cares for and loves me the most. I question whether this is fair to D as much as I question whether this is healthy for me. I am not a natural submissive and at first struggled with the role, but as D developed his dominance over the past year and a half, and as I worked hard to develop and nurture my submission, I evidently changed more than I thought I did. I don’t think I understood how deeply I’d slipped into the submissive mindset, and that, somewhere along the line, I lost the ability to travel back and forth between the old me and the new me. Having the dynamic pulled right out from under my feet, and not understanding the reason for that withdrawal, is what resulted in my crash. I had been trying to hold strong while D struggled, but by day four of his emotional withdrawal from me, I was losing my grip. I felt myself going over the cliff last evening at bedtime. I distracted myself with TV until very late, hoping I’d be exhausted enough to sleep, but when I laid down beside D (he had gone to bed earlier), I fell into the crash–hard. I felt mentally catatonic while I sobbed. I was silent, but I know I was shaking, and it woke D up. I was unable to accept an offer from him to hold me, and if he would have persisted, I would have safeworded him vehemently. I absolutely did not want him to touch me. But I was grateful that he stayed near, although I’m not certain that he realized how bad off I was. This morning, the after-effects of the crash are depression and confusion and hopelessness about my relationship, plus a physical feeling akin to that of a hangover. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of it, how long it will take, or how D is going to react when I tell him this. I’m a strong willed, independent woman. I have a fairly dominant personality, I’m upbeat and passionate and generally meet life head on. I love challenges and I don’t give up easily on things that I want. I’m headstrong and stubborn and it takes a lot to get me down. But this sub crash has left me on the floor. I am not myself. It scares me to think about what it could do to someone who is suffering from depression or other mental issues. I recognize my altered state, and will be gentle with myself today. I still have D to talk to when I am ready, and he will listen and do his best to help me through this and work to decide what is best for us going forward. But what about the submissive who has suffered a crash and who doesn’t have the resources I have? Who can they turn to? How do they recover from this? Dominants, please, please understand how dependent your submissive is on you. She might not even realize how dependent she is on you, especially if submission is relatively new in her life, or if its not her natural state. I do not mean to downplay your own emotional needs. I’m not sure what triggered my husband to suddenly feel adrift in his dominance, but he did mention that it might have something to do with me safewording him a few weeks ago (see my post “I Safeworded You Because I Love You.) D and I have a lot of emotional baggage and triggers from our 12 years in a bad vanilla marriage, and negotiating that past has been the biggest challenge to our D/s dynamic. He might very well have been experiencing a type of “Dom crash.” It’s evident that we have some serious communicating to do about all of this. I’m sorry for the long post, but I wanted to get the word out about this. Dominants, please take care of yourselves so you can take care of the person who has given themselves to you–they might be in deeper than you realize.

Belle

[slave2mydarkside-deactivated201]

         Thank God I have found this blog. D/s For me is not always sunshine and rainbows or easy. I struggle all the time with it. I struggle with this vulnerability that she talks about. When you expose yourself and put it out there and your Dom doesnt take it seriously or is wishy washy it makes you rethink everything. Even thinks such as the world being round and orbiting the sun. Everything just seems out of balance and your whole world feels like quick sand. I refer to my husband a lot as my anchor. He is my point of reference. He is who I go to when I think that I am over reacting or wondering what my next course of action should be.  I value his opinion so very much. Sometimes it feels like  I value it too much. I feel too dependent sometimes and that is the problem. I cant just go back and forth. I am a very black and white person. I am either a raging bitch who can take on the world, or I am a scared little girl who is easily offended and becomes overwhelmed. Going back and forth because my husband is not always in the mood is very hard on my psyche.

      I often wonder sometimes if it is going to be the thing that destroys me. It just hurts so much to be left on your own when you have submitted to someone who is suppose to be looking out for you. I just recently recovered my submissive side. I knew that I liked strong men in the bedroom but I just never put it all together. Now that the switch and the light bulb has come on I dont know how to go back. If I knew he didnt want this I guess I probably could. He says he wants this he wants a submissive wife who is happy and greets him and shows him love and admiration. I know that I am hard to handle because I have so much emotional turmoil inside that I cant get to the soft side. That is where I need him. 

   The realization of how much I need him fucking hurts. But what hurts the most is telling him all this and still nothing. Or I get joking comments when im in a bitchy mood about if I need a spanking. He damn well knows I do. I tell him yes and still, nothing. This crash she talks about. Its how I felt this morning before he left. Whenever I am on my period our dynamic goes out the window. It seems to happen a lot when sex is not on the table. I just lost it today though when for the millionth time he forget to tell me something vital to my day. I thought he would be home tomorrow night. Instead he will not be home until Thursday evening. The one little thing completely flipped me upside down. He just doesnt get it. I dont always have the words to explain it. It just hurts the lack of consistency even in vanilla things. I want to be valued. I want my opinion to matter. Not just so that he can say he asked but because he really wants to know what I think.  I dont think he does though. At least he doesnt show it. This wishy washy stuff really messed with me. I know it shouldnt and I know this should not be a big deal but right now for me it is. I am so stressed out and I just need help. Pain seems to be the only thing that can get me out of this quicksand. I wish I could just will it away or take care of it myself but I just cant. I tried for so many years and it got me here. You cant do everything alone. You cant keep it all to yourself. You have to find a healthy outlet for it. I know that spankings and D/s are what I need to relieve the stress but also help me focus on something other than myself. I spend so much time trying to rid myself of my anxiety that I am missing out on life. The last 3 years anxiety has robbed me of the joy in them. how many more years is it going to take away from me? 

  I would give anything to not need someone. I hate that I need help. I really fucking hate it. It feels like a weakness and I want to be rid of it.  It hurts way to much when the people who can help you wont. The people who say they will help you let you down. It feels even worse than the original pain. Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. I dont want perfection I just want effort. Life gets in the way I get it I am not unreasonable. That is not what this is though.

  My original point was that I get what she is feeling. This whole post is colored by this sub crash abandoned feeling. I just hope that tomorrow will be a better day and that I can overcome it.

-S

[the-glass-belle]

S–

You’re not alone.  There are many of us in D/s world who struggle with the intense emotional vulnerability of this lifestyle.  Add in kids and marriage and the stresses of work and sharing a household, and the sunshine and rainbows can sometimes seem like a fantasy. There will be days like this–weeks even, or months.  I’ve come to see D/s as a journey, with its ups and downs, its good times and bad.  It can be hard not to despair, but learning to care for yourself and cope when you are not getting what you need from your Dom is essential to your health and well being.  Our Doms are human, too, and simply cannot always carry us, no matter how much we need them to, want them to, or think they should.

One thing that helped me was to have my husband collaborate with me on ways to cope when I’m not getting what I need from him.  He always wants the best for me, and he wants to be my first resource when I’m struggling, but he has also been firm that I must find and develop the strength to cope when he is unable to sooth me. Like you, I sometimes hate how submission has made me so dependent on him, and there are times I wish so bad that I didn’t need him like I do.  But learning how to “shoot the gaps” with his guidance has made me happier, and is part of my role in keeping our dynamic as stable and healthy as possible.

I feel your distress.  It is palpable in your words.  You CAN do this. Do some deep breathing, exercise, distract yourself with chores, play with the kids, and try and pull your thoughts away from how you feel neglected.  Instead, focus on times that you have felt incredibly loved, protected, and nurtured by your husband. Visualize him at his best, not at his worst.

Ask your husband to make the time to talk to you about this. Pick a time when you are both feeling good, not stressed out about your relationship. (Lying in his arms after sex or a spanking usually is a good time for me!)  Ask him to read what your wrote.  Explain to him *again* how it feels to need him, and how scary this can be, how helpless it can make you feel.  There are many perks to this lifestyle, a deeply intimate emotional connection with your partner being one of them.  You each have the responsibility to listen to the feelings of the other, and respect them as genuine.  Make sure you hear him out so that you understand his limitations as well. 

What I need is not intuitive for my husband, and what he needs is not intuitive for me.  We’ve had to *teach* one another these things–and we’ve had to remind one another often, too.  Letting go of the hurt when he doesn’t automatically do what I’ve told him a hundred times to do has been part of my process.  Communicating with him clearly each and every time I need something (instead of getting mad and acting out and hoping he “gets it”) has been part of my process.  Full disclosure: I work on this very hard.  It’s not easy for me, nor does it come naturally for me.

One of the things I’ve found to be true about my D/s marriage is that I will not always get what I want. However, if I have faith and trust in my husband, he does his honest-to-god best for me. And I’ve found the strength, with his help and support, to do my honest-to-god best for him.

I know that getting through the times when you are BOTH struggling to meet one another’s needs is the true test.  It can be tempting to give into resentment and blame one another.  It can be tempting to think that D/s is just too painful a way to live, and that going back to vanilla is the only option to prevent this deep, tearing hurt.  And yes, the pain can be utterly paralyzing.

The only answer, if you want to have this lifestyle, is to keep the faith, and continually communicate about it with your husband.  Accept that there will be bad, horrible stupid days.  Work WITH him on learning how to avoid those pitfalls, but also work on your inner strength.  It will be good for you, and good for your marriage.

All the best,

Belle

[swanmp]

MASTER SPEAKS

@the-glass-belle Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this.  I’ve not read, nor seen this idea of sub-crash before.  However, the concept makes a tremendous amount of sense.  

This could explain a great deal about the vulnerability of LDR and o/l relationships.  Chatting, being present, texting, skyping, can all be great ways to build and maintain a relationship.  But the strength of the relationship depends on the ability of the Dominant to create a sense of presence in as many ways as possible for their submissive.  Of course, being open, receptive and responsive to that presence is up to the submissive.  

That Minx and I are here today is occasionally a delightful surprise to me.  The emotional attachment we have is not to be taken lightly.  The willingness of both of us to put aside convention, in many ways, accept each other and grow together is a pleasure every day.  The work, dedication and devotion required is significant, trust and respect a necessity.  Every relationship is different, however, we all have some commonalities, which is why this post struck me so poignantly.  The recognition of the vulnerability and openness is something I have sensed in Minx.  The fear she expresses of being hurt.  The consistent reservations I hear about with some of my other friends involved in OL relationships.

I can say without reservation that Dominants have strong emotional needs. What we can suck at is admitting and communicatining them.  However, we must lead by example.  Feeling low? Depressed? Off your game?  Find someone to disuss your situation with, Mr. Dom, then suck it up and fulfill your role.  You took on the responsibility for leading…hurt your feelings?  Suck it up and fulfilll your role… Just not “feelin’ it?” Suck it up and fulfill your role.  You’ll get your mojo back, but, in reality, your submissive requires your attention, your energy, your best. Your dynamic matters more than whatever personal crap you are carrying…the Dominant’s role is the heavy lifting one when things get bumpy, when the storm comes. Grab the helm, and take control of your ship.  

It is not to pretend that nothing is wrong - it is to do your job when everything else screams at you to turn inward.  It is to be courageous in the face of red hot emotions, founded or unfounded.  It is to be the unmoveable rock in the relationship.  Knowing that no matter what, you are there.  That you will take control however you must, and that you will not allow yourself to be taken by the emotional storm, but keep yours safe while they do, and hold them in the embrace of your dynamic when they are finished.    

http://the-glass-belle.tumblr.com/post/112719900735/i-safe-worded-you-because-i-love-you

[the-glass-belle]

Love the continuing conversation, and thank you for offering thoughts from the D-type perspective.  At the end of the day, we are all responsible for finding a way to fulfill out commitments.

[the-glass-belle]

The Path to Blind Submission

Submission: more a battle of wills with your Dominant, or a battle of wills with your better self?

I say it’s emphatically the latter for me.

I know D makes good decisions. 

I know he leads us selflessly in the marriage.

I know he takes good care of me, body and soul.

I know nothing bad happens when I do as he says. 

I know how often things go awry when I disobey.

I am regularly wracked with regret because I just didn’t listen to him.

Yet I RESIST total obedience (lets be real: I resist obedience more often than not) because  . . . why?  I’ll tell you why. Because I want my way. My way feels good and easy for the moment I’m in.  My way looks at the now, not at the tomorrow.  My way quiets the irrational anxiety that spins in my head, telling me that if I don’t get my way THE WORLD WILL END.

You’d think that after I’d picked myself up for the hundredth time and wailed in his arms, “Why didn’t I listen to you!!?” it would be a no-brainer to just do as he says the next time.

But no.  He gave up punishing me quite a while ago.  Natural consequences are the worst punishment, and more and more he just lets things run their ruinous course (within reason). And really, if he has to wrangle my submission out of me every.damn.time it’s just too much work.

Despite the fact that I’ve picked myself up and crawled back for forgiveness petting so, so many times these past few years, I’ve noticed something of late: I’m thinking twice when my emotions and impulses try to entice me away from his advice, his directives, his wishes. I find myself asking for his help before I’m too far gone in intense negative emotion or anxiety to heed good leadership. I find myself seeking to improve my self control, my mindfulness, my ability to accept my emotions without acting on them in self destructive ways. I find myself wanting to follow his desires above my own because it is good for me.

I’m changing--not because he’s made me through force or threat or manipulative control.  He’s just being steady and strong and letting me come to him. And it’s making me a better person, a stronger person, a person who has more control in my own life, over my own happiness, over my choices.  By refusing to be my crutch, he’s given me a valuable gift, one often denied to submissives who feel trapped by their own self destructive impulses.

You see, I think many Dominants lack patience for this sort of process.  It can be long and slow and look like constant set-backs and failures. In the end, though, what a Dom gains is inspired submission.  Not submission of duty or even of choice.  It’s submission based in the belief and trust of his submissive that his way is better, even when it doesn’t feel that way to her. It’s a true alignment of wants and needs, a lessening of friction caused by legitimate incompatibilities, an erosion of barriers to deep intimacy.

Blind submission?  Perhaps.  But for me it would be the gold standard, a worthy goal.  I’m so tired of fighting to get my way, only to find that it’s not what I wanted or needed at all.

Belle

P.S. Thank you to spice @spicenwolf (this post especially) for the inspiration for these musing.

[spicenwolf]

Obstinacy

In the storybook D/s relationships that you read about far too often, there never seem to be any struggles. The benevolent Dominant only requires the sub’s acquiescence in the areas where he or she was seeking help in the first place. The sub is always happy to comply, because it’s obviously for his or her own good. Right?

Am I the only sub in the whole wide world who can’t seem to swallow that word “why?” Is Wolf the only Dominant who ever requires his sub to obey just because he can?

It’s easy to be obedient when it’s an activity that makes sense to me. And if you catch me on the right day, I will emphatically agree that it’s Wolf’s prerogative to give me instructions that I don’t understand. If I look foolish to someone else, that’s completely irrelevant.

Monday wasn’t one of those good days, and I finally paid the price yesterday, after we both cooled off. Now every time I try to sit down, I’m reminded that being stubborn just delays the inevitable. He tells me what to do, I argue, I get spanked, and then I do what I was told to do in the first place. With a very tender bottom.

Just my luck that I fell in love with the one person on the planet who’s more obstinate than I am…

[the-glass-belle]

Shout out to all the subs who tell it like it is . . especially when it ain’t pretty. Even bigger shout out to the Doms who love us and step up their game when we suck at ours. (And no, I don’t mean “suck” in a good way.)

[the-glass-belle]

D/s: a practice

It’s about serving the man you are with, not about trying to make him into the man you imagine you could serve. If you cannot submit without putting conditions on your submission, and yet you choose this man, then you have work to do.

Don’t get me wrong: I think we ALL have work to do.  I’ve come to embrace the work, because I have a man who works just as hard on his end of things, so my effort is fruitful and worthwhile, even when it is not easy.

Being in a D/s marriage has become a practice for me--like yoga is a practice, like Crossfit is a practice, like writing is a practice.  I don’t ever expect to master any of those things.  But I revel in the process: the improvements and the accomplishments and the new skills.  I enjoy the challenge, the struggle, and the reward of ever deepening intimacy.  I weather the tough days with more grace than I used to because I have faith they will pass.  I don’t expect every day to look the same, nor to yield  the same results, even when I honestly feel I’m putting in the same hard effort. The landscape of life shifts around me; I have limited control over my environment.  I keep my focus on my commitment to this practice of intimacy and openness and love and acceptance with my husband, and I have come to trust that this commitment is all I need.

I have complete trust in his commitment, in his sincerity, in his effort.

Loving one another this intentional way is  . . . well, I think it is the only way that is left to us. I am bound to him--that will never change--but D/s is the only way we thrive.

[the-glass-belle]

This morning as I lay on the bed blissfully floating in the aftermath of a brief but extremely painful spanking, I realized: this is the same feeling I had after an hour of yoga last evening.

I love the gifts pain gives.