The Lani O

Live your truth couragously.

[the-lani-o]

What do you do when you feel like you have no choice but the settle for the things that you’ve chosen when the person in your life used to be the biggest turn on you’ve ever known turns into the biggest thing that repulses you how do you navigate that? How do you live truthfully and authentically within the lies of coexistence Because who could live alone in these times and afford it so we’re all trapped within the circumstances that we have placed ourselves within making the best of whatever it is, we found ourselves making the best that we find ourselves in not wanting to affect anything more than ourselves in a negative way Why do I have such a big heart for the kitties and then yet they become an anchor for me, but I feel trapped and I need to go previous. The only thing keeping me there was the cats and the kitties and that is the same exact thing in this Scenario. The reason I’m still here is the kitties and the financial constraints I find myself in why does this world trap us in these places these places that we would free ourselves from if we could? 

[the-lani-o]

You are a gross disgusting scumbag of a boy. You are not worthy of access to me of my presence in your life not worthy of all the things I ever gave you. You don’t deserve any part of me, mind body spirit, heart soul that you are blind to the value and treasure of. you don’t even know how to tell the truth, or probably don’t even know what it is all you know how to tell is a lie that’s all that ever comes out of your mouth is deceit and lies and things to use to control people or get what you want you’re not authentic or genuine I don’t even think you have an authentic or genuine bone in your body All you do is use people and toy with people for your own selfish satisfaction and reasons to get validation and attention and have your ego stroked so that you can think even more importantly of yourself your delusional idea of who you are. I don’t think you actually care about anybody genuinely but yourself Every interaction you have with anybody you have a deceptive duplicitous ulterior motive so that you can gain something from them and use them up until you’re done getting what it is you want from them you have no intention or no desire to grow as a man to have character honor integrity to actually develop into being a better human being thats adds value to the world, because you just want to take . You like being stagnant, you like playing in the shit that you create, you don’t wanna grow because you think it makes you feel important self importance is all that matters to you you thinking you’re out here to save the world, but you can’t even do anything to develop yourself to grow as a man in the world as a friend or as a partner Everything you do is just gain something for yourself out of selfish acts of kindness and fake love bombing just a bunch of fake bullshit all for you to just puff yourself up in your delusion of who think you are. I wish I had never met you you’ve added nothing but heartache and pain and lies and confusion And insanity and anxiety to my life your access to anything deeper within me is denied. It’s been revoked your account has been deactivated. I know that I can no longer trust anything you say or any stupid little trinket or gesture that you try to do to show that you actually think of anybody but yourself. any act or kind thing that you do is only out of how you want to appear to be your fake mask persona you try to project to the world it’s not genuine or authentic or true. It’s all fake and shallow just wrapped up in the layers and layers of your deceit and your lies and your bullshit. Narcissist is too good a word for you whatever it is, you are is amplified and multiplied far beyond that description…

[the-lani-o]

[the-lani-o]

I have not been in a good headspace or heart space in a healthy way or happy way or fulfilled way or satisfied way for at least a year and a half when I first moved here I went through a major severe depression for at least the first year I was craving and starving for human interaction so badly that the first person I had a relationship with I held onto so tightly and clinged onto and attached to the outcome and expectations so severely that I didn’t even know how to remain playful or happy or content or be myself in this relationship or whole as my own individual.

[the-lani-o]

I am sorry that I hurt you when I overreacted to situations and things in our relationship that hurt me or upset me, it was all about me me me. I didn’t stop to think how I was effecting you, how you were feeling or felt. I put unrealistic expectations on you. You never deserved or earned my distrust or assumptions. I figured out that I was mirroring towards you the actions for which I had/have guilt about being and doing in the relationship previous and while with you.

I have become aware that emotionally I have some dominant controlling masculine energy, trying to control the narrative, I am forward , direct, blunt and can be aggressive. You on the other hand can be mostly the opposite of that, and I wasn’t being empathetic and didn’t respect that aspect of you or adjust the way I chose to interact or express myself to you. I should’ve been softer, patient, compassionate, balanced, tender, caring, sensitive, kind, and humble towards you and in regards to the way I perceived the things that hurt me. I should have been more thoughtful about being heard before I came at you only in my way and that was very selfish, insensitive, hurtful and stressful for you.

I humbly ask you for forgiveness and want to apologize with all my heart and let you know that I see how I erred in this facet of our relationship.

I am a flawed woman.

I did not mutually respect your ability to perceive and be aware. This sickness me, that I treated you in this way. I disregarded you as the amazing, complex, deep spiritual man I know you are when I was in this energy.

I am so grateful for the space that I have had to receive these insights about myself and what I was putting on you and be able to shift my energy to the woman I really desire to be.

[the-lani-o]

I am nobodies garbage to be thrown aside so easily. I have value and I am a treasure of great worth. I let you see parts of me nobody was allowed to or could, and you so easily dispose of me and all we shared together, all that I let you see of me, all that we showed and gave to one another means nothing to you. And now I know you didn’t deserve any of it, not any part of me because you don’t value me or see my worth. You only valued how I made you feel so good about yourself and as soon as I questioned anything in the way you were being in this relationship you couldn’t hang. And deserted and abandoned all that we had invested. You don’t deserve my love or any piece of me. I’ve been so worried about you abandoning me and not choosing me. I pushed aside my own doubts about your ability to show up for me, us.

You are not a deep person you’re a shallow egotistical self absorbed person who lacks awareness and you do not deserve any of my energy or my heart or my mind anymore ever you’ve lost something you will never get back and some thing you can never replace I’m sorry for you I really am because you can never return to this beautiful amazing person that I am

I have erased you from my life

[the-lani-o]

I lost myself in this connection, in the person I was falling in love with, and for a time they became everything to me, my entire world, all of my focus directed at this one person and relationship. I forgot that I needed to remain as an individual, a radiant light of my own autonomy.

Focusing on the most important relationship and person; that of myself and my inner child. I’m sorry self...I am finding you again...

And anyone, anyone would crack under that and repel away from the pressure to be everything to someone...I can’t blame that response and action.

[the-lani-o]

Meditating and praying for wisdom, insight and vision. For healing to my heart and hurts.

Getting guidance that I've been operating out of fear the past few weeks and that is a dark ugly place filled with lies.

Love casts out all fear. Instead of building a fortress around my heart for fear of rejection, humiliation, pain and heartache; I need to demolish those walls I've built up and open my heart, receive and give love freely. The world needs more love, not fear or walls. Love vibrates at the highest level and depth, and fear is the opposite. To vibrate at my highest I need my heart to be open and vulnerable. This is the best and highest for all. It takes more strength and courage to stay in this place than to close off and protect. Fill my heart to overflowing with love and peace and joy will follow. Fear will retreat, it can't coexist with love. And so it is. May it be so, as above so below.

[the-lani-o]

Before we do anything can we sit here for a few minutes...

I want to share with you what I’ve been processing and perceiving for the past few days. We’ve been incredible at communicating so far and I don’t want that to change.

At the park the other day, I shared some of my deepest darkest moments with you that I don’t share with anyone and I feel like you go emotionally missing in action the very next day. This makes me feel emotionally exposed, abandoned and Not safe.

something has changed and shifted with you. the way you’re expressing yourself to me, addressing me and communicating with me is a different and detached tone. It doesn’t have the same affection and warmth...

Am I wrong? Is there something I’m missing?

Due to these chain of events, I feel like I’m mirroring what I’m perceiving out of self defense and protection. I’m doing my best not to put up walls. And I feel like we are moving away from each other. And I don’t want to do that. I want us to move forward together.

Is that what you want?

I understand this (us) has been a beautiful passionate intense whirlwind and at some point it has to normalize and balance out to something sustainable, but I want to know if we’re still on the same page?

[the-lani-o]

I share some of my deepest darkest moments with you that I don’t share with anyone and I feel like you go emotionally Mia the very next day. Then I expose myself and be vulnerable again and I feel like you don’t even meet me half way. You have an emotionally detached vibe. You have lost my openness at this point. You’ll have to earn and prove that you deserve my heart, my vulnerability in the long term.. for now I’m a closed book. I feel like my trust has been betrayed. I’m heartbroken and sick to my stomach. I thought you were a safe place... How dare you make me feel this way, how dare you make me cry. I feel I’m being abandoned.

[the-lani-o]

Thoughts from our conversation Saturday night...from my perspective, reasons I get a sense of mixed signals and feel so confused in our relationship is because on the onset of our seeing one another and learning/sharing about each other, I felt like we connected deeply, openly, with authenticity, on so many levels, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, psychologically, friendship, playfulness and obviously chemistry...I feel so alive with you and laugh so much, I am more myself than ever. I feel like you really see and understand me. I do see that we still do connect in these ways even with that emotional wall around your heart.. Maybe not as raw, vulnerable, open as before. we are both guarded, and protecting. I would love for us to totally trust one another with our hearts and feels and mind shit. I truly feel and believe that you did open a door in that wall for a brief amount of time with me and to me, and then fear maybe, pain, hurt caused you to shut it and me out. you expressed to me thoughts and glimpses of the future with me and you seemed all in with no hesitation or doubts at a depth that made me feel safe and at home with you and I recall you saying you felt the same. that we wanted to move forward together and end up together at the end of this. I still desire this with you. I want you to know that I support you emotionally in all your feelings and that you can trust any of your vulnerabilities with me and I want to be able to do and be the same with you if you want. That’s exactly what I’m doing here and now. I support you in every area on all levels. I want you to be happy in life because I’m in love and devoted to you at a deep level. I’m not willing to give up on you or us yet. It won’t be easy, I will use all my courage and strength to love you and nurture and not rush this relationship, to radiate and be love. To help if I can in any way to resolve and help heal these matters. Even if it’s space. All of this is what keeps me holding on to this relationship, to you.

[the-lani-o]

An evening of goddess reflections #themoon #laluna #goddessgreetings #thislittlelightofmine #shereflectstheglory

[the-lani-o]

Clear That Crap, Find The Truth of Your Soul, Flourish in the Manifestation of. #soundbath #meditation #lightandshadow #vibrationalhealing (at Placentia, California)

[the-lani-o]

All curled up by the fire #kittiesnpitties #purrandpibblemama #crazycatlady #wintercoats

[the-lani-o]

My happy place these days #hydromassage #chuzefullerton #cinemacardio (at Chuze Fitness)

[the-lani-o]

#bedifferent #normalisboring #createyourowndestiny

[the-lani-o]

#californiafires #skyfire #skyporn