The Melancholy Scholar

A Diary

[the-melancholy-scholar]

19/01/2026 - Monday

09:40 – Well, it has been months since I last posted an entry here. Many things have happened and changed. Many good things, in fact, but the changes were so significant that I truly needed an entire year to adapt.

I was telling a couple of people recently that only now, after a full year, I feel able to return almost completely to my routines. I admitted to some people how unhappy I was with myself for having taken so long, but I was told then that they found it amazing how quickly I adapted to such a huge change, and that I am being too harsh on myself.

I am back to my usual daily workouts, reading, studying, better adjusted morning and evening routines, healthier habits, better food choices, and lower level of stress. I feel genuinely ready to pursue new endeavours again.

After the New Year, we had one to two weeks of heavy snow, and it was simply perfect. I experienced my first snowball fights, my first snowman, and my first snow angel. In a few days, some members of my family will be coming to visit, which I am looking forward to.

At work, we are nearing the completion of our goal to obtain ISO certifications, and I will most likely be enrolling in courses to continue improving myself professionally.

I have also returned to therapy. At the moment, the focus is partly investigative and reflective, but also centred on slowing down and unwinding.

I hope to write here more often again. I am also considering changing the name of the blog, but we will see.

Ps.: this picture is a bit blurred but I quickly found it from the snowy days. If I find better pictures I will update it and/or post in the upcoming entries.

-I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

02/06/2025 - Monday

20:03 – I finally found a moment, and the energy, to write a little. We had an extended holiday last week, and it truly helped me recharge - especially after having been unwell. During those restful days, we enjoyed some lovely time at home, but we also took advantage of the beautiful weather to visit a thrift store. To my joy, I found two books I had been eyeing a month ago - still waiting there :')

We also treated ourselves to some amazing drinks and brought our laptops out to the garden table over the weekend, where we played games and enjoyed the breeze. It felt simple, pleasant, and very dear to me.

I believe I’ve settled into a pleasant routine and a comforting sense of belonging. Today, for the first time in a while, I felt truly present—more aware of the world around me. I realised I had been going through my days on autopilot, seeing my commute as a route between point A and B. Now, I intend to cherish these little journeys, the weather, the views, the quiet rhythm of it all.

I also want to be more mindful in saving time and energy for the things I love. Not to do more, necessarily, but to do what matters with more intention and joy.

There are some interesting events ahead this month, and I’ve already started planning a holiday for July or August. I wonder where we might go...

That is all for today.

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

11/05/2025 - Sunday

18:03 – Life has been rather full lately. I recently began a new job, one I’m genuinely excited about. Although the commute is somewhat demanding, I’ve been enjoying the train rides and the new environment surrounding me.

I am still in the process of adjusting to my new routine and learning how to make time for the things I love, despite having fewer hours now for personal pursuits.

We shall see how the upcoming week will be. It appears it will be quite busy as well, but I do hope I’ll find a moment (or thoughts) to write here again soon.

That is all for today.

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

13/04/2025 - Sunday

17:30 - Today did not unfold as I had hoped. I feel I wasted much of it instead of spending time on my hobbies and leisure tasks.

I’ve been noticing more and more that I fail to accomplish the things I truly wish to do. My thoughts scatter too easily, and I become absorbed in unrelated activities. This strong realization struck me yesterday, and I am determined to address it in the coming week. I intend to make a more deliberate effort to regain control over my time and focus.

I had hoped to go for a walk in the nearby woods today, but I ended up staying indoors instead. It was also a rainy day.

That is all for now.

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

11/04/2025 - Friday

12:33 - I did manage to work out in the morning, take a nice shower, and have breakfast, but I ended up procrastinating a bit more than I should have. Still, I plan to do some research and study a little today.

Yesterday, my partner and I played tourists in a nearby city, and it was a lovely experience. There were some people around, though not too many—I can only imagine how crowded it must get in the summer; it must be nearly unwalkable! 😅 Next time we go there, we will definitely rent a boat to explore the area from a different perspective and experience.

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

09/04/2025 - Wednesday

12:35 – It has been quite a while since my last post.

I moved abroad at the end of January and have been adapting well over the past few months. I recently started applying for jobs, and I am hopeful that I will be hired soon.

As one might imagine, I fell out of my routines, studies, and hobbies, given the many changes and new experiences. However, I have been slowly getting back to them. Some days I accomplish more than others—sometimes this frustrates me, while at other times I simply accept that this is part of the process.

I have managed to get back to working out over the past few days. Although I skipped the last two, today was a success.

I haven’t yet been able to focus on my studies as much as I would like, but I plan to dedicate at least one hour today. I need to learn a new language to make my daily life in this new country easier.

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

07/12/2024 - Sunday

19:21 - It has been a long while since I last made a post, but a lot has happened.

I had several ups and downs, and went from focused to hopeless to semi-focused 😅

Then I engaged in new hobbies and neglected others and suddenly a few weeks ago something completly unexpected happened, and in a few weeks I will be moving abroad, definetly.

I've been severly busy and anxious about the whole ordeal and I feel like things will go wrong, naturally.

*this was a post I started writing and ended up in a draft, I decided to post it anyway, even after months.*

[the-melancholy-scholar]

11/08/2024 - Sunday

21h31 - I am not feeling the best today. I spent the last two days at my dad’s home, and we went to sleep late since we were watching some movies together. Sleeping late doesn’t mean I will wake up late enough to compensate for the time I went to bed, so I haven’t slept well in two days.

I am reading The Great Gatsby, and I am surprised by how much I am enjoying it, considering I don’t really like anything from the 20th century onwards. I am curious about the outcome of the story and already have plans to reread it.

I have plenty of things to get done, and I am starting to feel overwhelmed, especially because some of these require me to leave my apartment and interact with people, something I despise more and more as time passes.

The good thing is that my studying progress is great, and I am more and more focused as time passes. My focus is to reach a specific career goal within two years. It is quite ambitious, but I will work hard to get it done.

I may contact a therapist next week, but I must organize my thoughts first to not waste the hour in session. I do think this is the time for me to work on my personality and self-doubt.

I will try to write more frequently, and I have been thinking about adding some pictures now and then to my entries.

Have a good one,

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

21/07/2024 - Sunday

21h26 - I did not have much to write about the last few days. I have been studying a lot—although this past week I was quite distracted and didn't have the same quality in it that I had before. I somewhat finished the studies, but I need to reread the textbook more attentively and start to actually memorize and practice the knowledge.

This past week, I have also been looking for ways to work on some of my shortcomings, personality-wise. I'd like to work on my self-confidence for a while, but I still cannot measure the progress… I feel lost at times and wonder how to do it. I also don't feel ready yet to talk about this in therapy. I realized that I have been keeping a chip on my shoulder forever, and I don't fully understand where this came from, but I know I am already working on it and that it will not be an easy change.

This next week, I expect to make some more progress regarding everything I am currently doing and investing my time in.

It seems I did not have much to talk about, but I felt like writing anyway.

G'night.

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

08/07/2024 - Monday

21h41 - I have been thinking about writing (or typing, if you will) for days, but I don't think much has happened for me to tell.

I know that most things in life require practice and consistency, but I cannot help but feel surprised every time I notice myself changing regarding a subject or noticing the effects of activities in my life. I am saying this because I was deeply struggling with focusing and concentrating for nearly a year, and one of my deepest needs was to fix that, since in the past I wouldn't have had such issues. Very well, I have been able to focus much better, and when my mind wanders, I can often bring it back without many issues; I am way less restless as well. I also have been able to sit through longer periods of study before taking a break, and even my focus on my reading has improved—I was having such an awful time with reading because I couldn't focus on the book for long before getting distracted or having my mind involuntarily "going to places" on its own, which was quite frustrating.

Overall, I have been making great progress, and today I pushed harder since I really wanted to finish this insufferable chapter that was enormous. Just thinking that I will need to reread this book makes me suffer, hahaha. Tomorrow is a day off, but since I am not working, I will just study like any other weekday.

Last week, after going to the store to get some groceries, I came across a nice little clothing store and bought some clothes. I've been thinking about getting some specific pieces for a while, so it was a delight to find such a nice store with timeless fashion so close to home. Today, I ordered a support for my monitor and laptop as well, which will certainly improve my posture and overall well-being, considering how long I've been sitting and reading on my monitor.

Something else that is bothering me, and I am having a bit of a hard time with, is how much I'd like to improve my personality, but I find it quite challenging. Also, not interacting with peers on a daily basis for long periods makes it difficult to test and check, although not interacting with people is probably why I have been productive and in a great mood, lol.

And as always, despite all the seeming progress, I have been a bit apprehensive now and then about my future and whether or not I will manage to climb the career ladder and also improve my general life and well-being by achieving professional success—which would do wonders for my mental health and self confidence.

We may have the next few days of rain—even some heavy rain—and lower temperatures. Hopefully, there won't be any thunderstorms; they make me anxious. Rain itself made me uneasy for quite a long while since I had issues with leakage in my previous apartment (which was located on the top floor of the complex), so I have not yet gotten used to the new place when it comes to rain, and it still makes me nervous; although the thunderstorms were always an issue.

I think that's about it. Hopefully, I will have more interesting things to talk about.

(I wonder if I am failing in the aspect of making a diary and instead mistaking it for a journal. I guess it requires more research...? Does it matter, though?)

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

26/06/2024 - Wednesday

21h52: I find it interesting how I feel absolutely defeated at nighttime. Not being at work, and therefore not interacting much with all sorts of people, makes it less frequent, but it doesn't take this feeling of inadequacy away. I actually saw recently around the internet that a lot of people feel this way, which made me feel like I am not alone, but also made me feel sorry for people, in a certain way. The idea that a lot of people in our daily lives are struggling with their inner selves as much as we are makes everything look so pointless, as if everything isn't already pointless enough. The point is, this evening I am feeling particularly melancholic; the thoughts of wasted time and how I may never achieve my goals in life—which are, without a shadow of a doubt, pointless as everything else but still part of my time here.

I have been very disciplined with my daily studies, and I have been making great progress. It is amazing how "easy" it becomes when you focus on one thing and one thing alone. Too many options make me not know what to do now. I have a lot of interests, you know, and I am eager to learn and know it all, and always nervous that there is not much time for it, too impatient to focus on one thing and then move on to another thing. The truth is that I have been wasting my time and delaying my progress, sabotaging myself all these years; always hopping from subject to subject, from skill to skill. I don't get bored with the "previous" one, I just get drawn by the next thing, and after a few months, I am back to the first thing and the cycle goes on. I made the decision not to make this mistake again. I feel it has cost me all my life so far, that it has robbed me of many accomplishments I wanted to have reached.

Although I overthink most of my nights, I am not feeling well today. This could be related to the poor diet I have been on for the last week and a half. Today I already went back to a healthier menu, but the "yesterday" always affects the "today." Poor diet causes all sorts of mental decline, and today I am feeling hopeless and even more gloomy.

Besides all of these, I was reflecting earlier today on how I've regained certain interests that I had lost over the last few years. The learning of subjects and skills was always around; it was the leisure activities that were left behind. The slow living is potentially part of that, as I have the time and mental energy to spare. As I said before, I hope to consolidate these habits to never again fall hostage to an automatic lifestyle that doesn't make me any happier.

I think this is all for today.

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

21/06/2024 - Friday

21h57 - Hey, hello. I, thankfully, made quite a bit of progress in my studies yesterday and today. I've been a bit more focused during them, but unfortunately a bit lazy about my meals, my daily workout (which I skipped twice), and my morning routine, which has been sloppy. It isn't common for me to be like that, so I am trying to take it lightly due to the more intensive and disciplined studies. I would study a bit on the weekend, but I may take both days to really unwind and relax. I also went out yesterday to get a couple of things I wanted and ended up buying a few pairs of shoes I had been keeping an eye on for a while. I spent quite some time out doing so, but it was worth it. I like to make sure to choose the correct thing, so when I buy things, I take my time to choose the right stuff.

A couple of days ago, I finished reading "The Double" by Dostoevsky and took the time to watch the 2014 movie adaptation. Not much to say about it, as I am no film critic, but I liked the actor chosen for the main character. I have been reading Les Miserables and rereading Dracula alongside it, but maybe I should go for some light reading as well for the next two days.

One of the things that I am worried about is going back to that automatic, mindless lifestyle that I was in, day-in and day-out, for the last three years with the job I had. I want to make sure to consolidate my routines in a certain calm and mindful way so that when I am back to work, I won't fall into this life/mind state anymore, where I felt I wasn't going anywhere. I had no energy for learning, for studying the things I liked/needed to learn, for hobbies, not even for leisure. I had the time, but not the energy. It was a genuine eye-opener for me because I had no time to even realize that I wasn't satisfied, but instead just "okay". I find this such a difficult thing to explain. I don't like to appear—to myself more than to others—naive and dreamy, and that is definitely not my point. But ending every day, when it is possible to take a glimpse of part of the picture, feeling I didn't do anything worthwhile for myself was quite frustrating. And while I am not necessarily a positive person, being able to step back like this is something I am grateful for.

I am thinking of baking some bread on the weekend; it has been quite a while since the last time I baked anything. Plus, I still need to plan my next week's menu and get the groceries for it.

I think I don't have much else to add for today. Good night.

I.

[the-melancholy-scholar]

18/06/2024 - Tuesday

21h47: Today is the day I decided to start a blog. I'd like to talk about my uneventful days and hopefully get to enjoy this new hobby, if I can call it that.

To be honest, I've been thinking about start writing it for a while and maybe keeping some sort of consistency. However, I don't want to make it mandatory, or it stops being nice to do.

I have been studying a lot since I was fired from my last job about a month ago; it was a fair-unfair situation. Perhaps a tale for a different day. I am an IT professional, and my goals are focused on cybersecurity, but I never feel good enough for it. More than that, I just feel old and that I don't have much time to achieve anything or enjoy life.

I had a day of little productivity but got to talk to my mom, who is living abroad, and spent good quality time with my S.O., so in the end, it was quite a pleasant day. I will work for tomorrow to be a more productive day since I am studying for a CCNA certification as well as being interested in learning a new programming language because I am curious about making my own little AI.

To finish the day, I was about to watch a movie, but I most likely won't since it is late and I am getting sleepy.

I.