They Mustn't See the Midnight in Me

Semi-personal IFS Parts Work side blog Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a trauma therapy approach I'm exploring under the guidance of a therapist. General CW. I'm using this space to vent some of the crap in my head and I'll be the first to admit that it gets heavy and melodramatic [far too often]. Please look after yourself if you stumbled onto this blog and decide to dig. I'm not exactly trying to hide any of this, but I've also purposefully separated it from my main to avoid dumping it on anyone non-consensually. To be clear: I do not have DID and any "characters" mentioned here are not "alters"; they are merely representations of thought patterns / trauma responses that I'm trying to get better at recognizing and re-directing, for my own sake as well as for those who have to put up with me irl.

[the-midnight-in-me]

Links and FAQ

All Part Bios 🔥Ember🔥 "It's not fair." (Aesthetic) ❄️Shiver❄️ "If I react in any way, I will just make it worse." (Aesthetic) ⚡Static⚡ "I have to be low-maintenance to be worthy." (Aesthetic) 🌒Umbra🌒 "The only way to truly be safe is to be alone." (Aesthetic) 🎓Twilight🎓 "I am a good student." (Aesthetic) 👤Ghost👤 "I don't belong." (Aesthetic) 🎭Imposter🎭 "I'm not good enough." (Aesthetic) Internal Family Systems General Mental Health Positivity (*"aesthetic" is general aesthetic stuff/art/etc with the vibe of that part. Because I am a dork.)

Background Source

FAQ:

What is the point of IFS therapy? Still kinda figuring this out for myself tbh. My understanding of it so far is that it's a way to try to separate your "self" from your body's knee-jerk reactions to stuff; then it's easier to recognize and deal with in the moment without putting a bunch of extra shame and judgement on yourself. My therapist recommended we try it when she made the observation that I was describing a lot of things as "a part of me x, but another part y" and also because I admitted that the cutesy affirmation thing just wasn't working for me (if anything, I find it triggering...!). As far as the concept of "Self," I'm still trying to get a solid grasp of what that is for me.

[the-midnight-in-me]

Well. Casually calling the very openly asexual best friend of the person you're cat sitting for a "feline-phile" the very first time you see them in person because they have a liepard pfp on discord is certainly a choice.

I have concerns.

[the-midnight-in-me]

Had a really fucked up dream this morning thar woke me up and I have been thinking about it all day.

I was in some kind of military setting, struggling to get my hair up in a bun for most of it. For some reason I was sitting in water against some kind of ship, and was trying to rearrange a box or something that was attached to the ship.

I took a step over and suddenly I was sinking like a stone into a seemingly bottomless sea. I realized I was wearing a battle vest and frantically started to take it off so I would stop sinking, but there was this sense of doom that I would never get back to the surface in time before I ran out of air and drowned. And then I woke up.

I don't recall ever dreaming about drowning. Hell I don't think I've ever had a military dream, either. The hair thing was some kind of anxiety representstion, but the drowning was something else.

A bit on the nose. I literally just admitted to my friends last night that I was struggling with bad coping mechanisms (the vest)--I told them because I have a bad habit of going radio silent and didn't want them to worry they'd done something wrong.

Maybe I am already dragged down beyond any hope of recovery.

[the-midnight-in-me]

I'm having a really difficult time finding the joy in anything, right now, and I can feel the toxic independence kicking in. Things are hard. I'm tired.

[the-midnight-in-me]

Stupid fucking horny fox woke me up out of a dead sleep and now my brain won't stop ruminating about work. Why are men so goddamned stupid?

[the-midnight-in-me]

I'm so fucking angry. And Sad. And just...god, I can't even put words to this. My local pride festival was just canceled, because the founder of the organization in charge of it was allegedly sending lewd texts to a child. I was holding out hope that maybe this was a case of someone framing the community for shit, because this area has it's deep red pockets and the timing was really suspect, but now it's coming out that they also found abusive material against INFANTS in his phone. JFC. I am so, so sick hearted over this. This festival meant so, so much to so many of us. I've walked in the parade multiple times, and the first time I nearly burst into tears because it felt like the whole of the community was behind us. It was the closest I'd ever felt to my hometown. And now it's gone. The entire thing was dissolved overnight. My heart aches for the victims, and my heart aches for this community. I hope that piece of shit rots for the rest of eternity.

[the-midnight-in-me]

I'm slowly starting to slide back into craving the hurt/comfort, whump, or otherwise angsty content. Not sure if that's a good sign or not.

[the-midnight-in-me]

Sometimes I get irrationally frustrated when I perceive people as needing to be hand-held, especially men. I had to figure pretty much everything out on my own. I was not given any extra effort. I had to sink or swim and god damn it, I swam, but it came at a cost that I cannot begin to put into words. And now I'm in a position where I have predominately white dudes constantly calling me asking me to help them do stuff that is the bare minimum of their FUCKING JOB, and all the information is right there for them to do self research and figure it out, but instead they chose to drag their feet and blame me because I can't always drop everything to go babysit them in person. I have absolutely no tolerance for it and I'm not good at hiding that. To the point where I think it's gonna get me fired. :)

[the-midnight-in-me]

The aunt my mom always accused of faking her ailments died on Tuesday. So naturally mom is acting all sad about it despite the fact she has -never- liked the woman. Anything for sympathy. It's so fucking gross.

[the-midnight-in-me]

The fact that I find myself getting worked up and angry over work when I'm not at work seems like a pretty good sign that it's time to move on.

I'm tired of the empty platitudes about "we're one team" when all the support is clearly one-directional. And that direction is "sales". They get half the dealer count we do, we're expected to attend all of these meetings that are 110% focused on them, and now I'm being told that I have to waste my time cozying up with people who have NOTHING to do with my role, endure/humor the egos of Dealer owners who barely know which hole the gasoline goes in, all for the sake of being helpful/a bargaining chip for area managers that never lift a finger to help us in turn. Fuck this job, and fuck this ""team"". This is such a joke. Time for some "quiet quitting."

[the-midnight-in-me]

I stopped taking my meds about two months ago now; so far so good. The biggest concern when I started was thoughts of suicide -- like, to the point where it was multiple times of day and I had a plan and everything -- and that hasn't come back yet. I'm still not "okay" though. I think I really do need to seriously consider finding a different job. My company is adding headcount finally but it'll be likely near a year before anything really changes and I honestly don't know that I have that much left in the tank.

It bothers me deeply that I can never seem to stay passionate about any one thing. I'm not even sure that I've ever truly /wanted/ to do anything. The few paths I've pursued felt more like I was doing it for someone else--that I was chasing the approval of my mentors. Idk. I'm just feeling lost I guess. I've never had a confident answer for what I would chose to do if money weren't a factor.

[the-midnight-in-me]

I don't recognize myself anymore; I am in so much pain. My back hurts all the time. Fuuuuuck this sucks.

[the-midnight-in-me]

tfw I'm playing Dreamlight Valley and I interact with The Forgotten. I've named them Umbra cuz...it's literally them. Maybe in a slightly more 2dimensional sense but good grief am I really that cliche that a silly children's game is calling me out like this lol

[the-midnight-in-me]

I think a bigger part of me than I ever wanted to admit is angry and hurt over the circumstances that led me to feeling like I could only ever rely on myself.

[the-midnight-in-me]

Struggling tonight. Can't sleep. Work has me stressed out of my mind. Ugly sobbed like 4 times scrolling Facebook to suicide prevention shorts. Feeling very isolated and betrayed right now.

[the-midnight-in-me]

I find myself wondering at times if something happened when I was really, really young.

My mom told me when I was [a kid? much younger, anyway] about my hymen breaking because I sat on a toy in the bathtub or something. It was the only time she ever brought it up and she hasn't mentioned it since, which is bizarre for a few reasons. For one, she repeats stories CONSTANTLY. So for her to only mention something once in 37 years is...unusual. Two...she was a nurse, and my understanding is that hymens don't work that way and why would she think that they do when she is a medical professional? Three: ...why tf would you even mention something like that in the first place? Every time I remember that, it just strikes me as odd. And now it feels more and more likely that it was a pre-emptive excuse/explanation for something. She was always really big on scaring me Mother Gothel style about how dangerous the world is and how I should never do anything alone, etc etc. Idk. Unless it was Uncle Larry the known serial rapist who eventually killed himself, I don't know how/when it would of happened, or who the culprit would have been. I have absolutely no memory of it if it did happen, in any case. I guess the only other suspicious thing to me is "first" time they left me at Grandma's house--I had no memory of that place from before that day (still don't) and it was like I was meeting her/grandpa for the first time and I was very upset at first (again, cuz I didn't remember them/know who they were). Is it possible something happened there? Not even the same side of the family as Uncle Creep, so... Idk. It seems unlikely. I guess at this point it really doesn't matter and there's no real point in thinking too hard on it. Just suspicious a.f.

[the-midnight-in-me]

I can't stand myself.

Why am I like this?

Jfc.