onne of thhe lighhtss

hhelloooo. itss thhe ttorchhbeeareer

[the-one-with-the-torch]

uh . intro post or something

i made a torchbearer blog because i have visions and i cant leave them in my head . my pronouns are it/he and im 17 . enjoy ur time here

information and rules :

- this torchbearer is androgyne and oriented aroace , and uses she/he pronouns . he posts from an old computer she found in the middle of voldsøy that miraculously works and has an internet connection

- she has typing quirks (double spaces + letters , missing characters) because of technical difficulties (keyboard is really old) . ill put what he says in plain text too for anyone who should need it . please tell me if theres something better i could do to make things accessible

- asks are awesome ! please send them our way ! just nothing nsfw and be a nice not bigoted person . if u come into the box with any of that ur ask will be deleted , and if it repeats ure getting blocked

thats it pretty much . blog tags under the cut (will add more as time goes on)

things she says : #thhe lighht speaakss

things he makes in ms paint : #ddrawinngs

thats it for now bye

responding to asks : #maill

what clancy makes for her : #clanncyyss hhanndss

[the-one-with-the-torch]

camee hhrree to ssayy i hhavee a plann cookingn up but wee nneeeed to wait a whhilee. weeree eexhhaussteed but thheeyyree sso reessilienent. i too am hholdinng onn for lonngeer thhann i eeveer would nnormallyy.

i tjinnk weerr keeepjnng eeachh othheer alivee. i donnt wannnna thhinnk too lonng about it.

[plain text : came here to say i have a plan cooking up but we need to wait a while. we're exhausted but they're so resilient. i too am holding on for longer than i ever would normally.

i think we're keeping each other alive. i don't wanna think too long about it.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

clanncyy hhad a hhallucinnationn. thhryy wokee up yeyessteerdayy sseeeinng blood onn thheeir hhands annd sshirt. i weennt alonng withh it i didnnt wannt to sscaree thheem. wee weennt annd ckeeanneed thheeir hhandnss off inn thhee shshoree annd i took off thheeir sshhirt to *cleeann*. it sshohuld bee dryy byy nnow.

theheyy reealixeed it wassnnt reeal durinng lunnchh. thheyey ssaid thhiss hhass nneevere hhappeenned to thheem beeofree. im sso sscareed for uss nnothh nnow. i donnt knnow if i cann caree for thheem if ssomeethhinng worssee hhapeennss. mosst of thhee timee im too laxyy to caree for myysseelf leet alonnee ssomeeonnee eelssee.

eevenen lookinng at thheem feeelss oveerhwheelnninng nnow annd i cannt teell if im aftaid if thheem or jusst reeallyy reeallyy worrieed. or if itss ssomeetjinng elssee. thhee feeelinng of deejavu i got whhenen thheeu dreew mee hhass onnlyy madee itsseelf sstronngeer.

ssprakinng of drawinng. i asskeed thheem about thhee hhalo annd thheeir annssweer awass.. thhryyree nnot ssure. thheu hhad thhiss urgee to deepict mee thhat wag thhat thheue couldnnt sshhakee. likee a burieed meemoryy almosst.

i hhavee a growinng feeeelinng of ssomeethhingn i donnt wannt to get myy hhopeess up for.

[plain text : clancy had a hallucination. they woke up yesterday seeing blood on their hands and shirt. i went along with it i didn't want to scare them. we went and cleaned their hands off in the shore and i took off their shirt to "clean". it should be dry by now.

they realized it wasn't real during lunch. they said this has never happened to thhem before. i'm so scared for us both now. i don't know if i can care for them if something worse happens. most of the time i'm too lazy to care for myself let alone someone else.

even looking at them feels overwhelming now and i can't tell if i'm afraid of them or just really really worried. or if it's something else. the feeling of deja vu i got when they drew me has only made itself stronger.

speaking of drawing. i asked them about the halo and their answer was.. they're not sure. they had this urge to depict me that way that they couldn't shake. like a buried memory almost.

i have a growing feeling of something i don't want to get my hopes up for.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

How's voldsoy? I heard it gets pretty hot around this time of year, hope you and Clancy are doing okay <3

itss actuallyy nnot thhat hhot hheeere itss a preeettyy cold isslannd. wee geet moree usseed to it eevveryrdayy. mosstlyy lookinng for thhinngss to cook annd tryyingn to reecovveer enenoughh to vonntact mainnlannd. thhr creeatureess aree doinng thheeir thhinng annd thheereess sso mannyy birdss hheree. nnothhinng likee treennchhss vultureess but sstill preeettyy annd makee mee feeel leesss sstranndeed hheeree.

clanncyy annd i aree bothh hhannginng onn. thheeyy feeeel disstannt. nnot eemotionnallyy but phhyyssicallyy eeevenn whhenn thheeyyre righht nneext to mee. processssinng thhee sseeixinng iss weearinng thheem out. writinng annd drawinng aree thhee feew thhinngss keeepinng thheem grounndeed. im tireed annd feeel weeird annd i put it all innto takinng caree of thheem sso eevenen if all goeess to sshhit im sstill usseeful to thheem annd thheeyy wonnt breeak.

[plain text : it's actually not that hot here it's a pretty cold island. we get more used to it everyday. mostly looking for things to cook and trying to recover enough to contact mainland. the creatures are doing their thing and there's so many birds here. nothing like trench's vultures but still pretty and make me feel less stranded here.

clancy and i are both hanging on. they feel distant. not emotionally but physically even when they're right next to me. processing the seizing is wearing them out. writing and drawing are the few things keeping them grounded. i'm tired and feel weird and i put it all into taking care of them so even if all goes to shit i'm still useful to them and they won't break.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

clanncyyss drawinng mee.

[plain text : clancy's drawing me.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

thhryy finnishsheed it a feew hhourss ago. i hhaveennt tkaeenn myy eeyeyes off it ssinncr.

it feeelss... familair? likee ivee reeceeiveed thhiss beeforee. thhee wayy thhryy draw iss sso rrminnissceentn of ssomeethhingn. annd thhee hhalo... id bee lyyingn if i ssaid it issnnt givinng mee deeja vu. i jusst wisshh i could reemembeer whhyy.

but thheerees ssuchh a fonndnenesss to it. likee thhiss iss hhow thheeyy sseee mee. it connfussees mee. whhyy would thheyy withh thheeur poweress counnt sso muchh onn mee?

at leeasst im nnot thhee onnlyy onnee of uss feeelinng too sstronnglyy for thhee othheer.

ill assk thheem annout whhat thheeyy meeannt lateer.

[plain text : they finished it a few hours ago. i haven't taken my eyes off it since.

it feels... familiar? like i've received this before. the way they draw is so reminiscent of something. and the halo... i'd be lying if i said it isn't giving me deja vu. i just wish i could remember why.

but there's such a fondness to it. like this is how they see me. it confuses me. why would they with their powers count so much on me?

at least i'm not the only one of us feeling too strongly for the other.

i'll ask them about what they meant later.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

i hhad a dreeam about Thheem todayy. i founnd thheem lyyinng inn thhee wateer inn treennchh. thheey heeeld onn thheeir chheesst floweeerss i cannt reemeenerr.

myy fuckinng brainn iss teellinng mee thheeyyree deead annd im chhassinng afteer a corpssee. i cannt makee it shhut up.

[plain text : i had a dream about Them today. i found them lying in the water in trench. they held on their chest flowers i can't remember.

my fucking brain is telling me they're dead and i'm chasing after a corpse. i can't make it shut up.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

clanncyyss drawinng mee.

[plain text : clancy's drawing me.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

hheello!1 i told clanncyy about thhiss thhinng im runnninng hheeree. tgeeyy thhoughht itss cool. i mighht bee hheeree moree i jusst nneeeedeed timee to geet usseed to hhow muchh beeteer im feeeelinng. i alsso jusst... frogot.

thhee hhairdo wass thhreeee dayyss ago annd it wass reeallyy nnicee. wee keept byy thhee firee sso wee could thhrow whhat wee cut off to thhee flameess.

clanncyy ssat onn thhee grounnd inn fronnt of mee. i could feeel thheem prcaticallyy jumpinng withh joyy sas i cut moree of thheeir hhair. it wass likee a weeighht wass beeinng litfeed from thheeri shhouldeers.

thhryy talkeed a lot about thheemseselveess. thheey hhad hahd lonng hhair inn deema all thheeir lifee. geettinng a buxx inn treennch hahd beeenn thhee firsst timee thheeir sskinn hhad feelt comfrotablee onn thheem. inn thheeir ownn wordss *thheey saw thheeir atcual seelf inn thheeir reeflectionn for onnvee*. knnowinng thhat ssomeeonne feeelss whholee inn whhat madee mee feeel unnlikee a peerssonn... it brinngss mee reelieef.

thheeyryree inn a veeryy ssimilar placee to mee too. lookinng for thheeir onnlyy frieennd whho thheyy cannt reemeember annyymoree.

thhryy qlsso told mee thheyyree ageendneer. itss funnnyy hhow peeoplee likee uss finnd eeachh othheer.

whhenen i wass donnee thhryy gavee me thhee tighheest eembracee ivee hhad inn a lonng timee beeforee takinng thhee knnifee from myy hhannd annd makinng mee sit downn inn fronnt of thheem.

thheey hhad a geenntlee hhannd thhat madee mee ssleepyy annd asskeed mee a lot about myysseelf. hhow i got hheeree annd whhat i reemembeereed. i dodnnt thhinnk i would opeenn up likee thhat to ssomeonnee i donnt knnow sso weell but it camee sso eeassily to mee. i thhinnk i wass sstarveed to jusst talk to ssoemeonee.

ass i wass teellinng thheem about hhow i beecamee torchhbeeareer theeyy froxee. afteerwardss thheey ssaid it gavee thheem deeja vu of ssomeethhinng thheeyy couldnnt reemembeer. thhryy sseeemeed preettyy sshhakeenn byy it sso i didnnt assk thheem furthheer.

whhrnn i meenntionnrd beeinng anndrogyynee thheyy sstoppeed annd gavee mee a vareeful hhug from thhee back. annd againn whheen thhryy weeree donnee. thheeyy didnnt ssayy annyythhinng to go withh it but it wass sstill reeallyy ssweeet.

ohh annd thheey did thhee mosst wonndeerful job onn myy hahir. im goinng to keeep it likee thhiss for a yyeear annd trim it ssomeetimeess annd afteer thhat ill sstart to grow it out. inn thheeir wordss thheeyy cann sseeee myy facee cleearlyy nnow. annd sso cann i i thhinnk.

i likee clanncyy. i thhinnk im glad im withh thheem innssteead of annyyonnr eelsse hheere. i hhopee ssoonn wee bothh feeel weell enenoughh to sseennd a ssignnal to trennchh annd geet out.

i donnt wannt to put off updateess annyymoree but im jusst sso tireed.

[plain text : hello!! i told clancy about this thing i'm running here. they thought it's cool. i might be here more i just needed time to get used to how much better i'm feeling. i also just... forgot.

the hairdo was three days ago and it was really nice. we kept by the fire so we could throw what we cut off to the flames.

clancy sat on the ground in front of me. i could feel them practically jumping with joy as i cut more of their hair. it was like a weight was being lifted from their shoulders.

they talked a lot about themselves. they had had long hhair in dema all their life. getting a buzz in trench had been the first time their skin had felt comfortable on them. in their own words "they saw their actual self in their reflection for once". knowing that someone feels whole in what made me feel unlike a person... it brings me relief.

they're in a very similar place to me too. looking for their only friend who they can't remember anymore.

they also told me they're agender. it's funny how people like us find each other.

when i was done they gave me the tightest embrace i've had in a long time before taking the knife from my hand and making me sit down in front of them.

they had a gentle hand that made me sleepy and asked me a lot about myself. how i got here and what i remembered. i didn't think i would open up like that to someone i don't know so well but it came so easily to me. i think i was starved to just talk to someone.

as i was telling them about how i became torchbearer they froze. afterwards they said it gave them deja vu of something they couldn't remember. they seemed pretty shaken by it so i didn't ask them further.

when i mentioned being androgyne they stopped and gave me a careful hug from the back. and again when they were done. they didn't say anything to go with it but it was still really sweet.

oh and they did the most wonderful job on my hair. i'm going to keep it like this for a year and trim it sometimes and after that i'll start to grow it out. in their words they can see my face clearly now. and so can i i think.

i like clancy. i think i'm glad i'm with them instead of anyone else here. i hope soon we both feel well enough to send a signal to trench and get out.

i don't want to put off updates anymore but i'm just so tired.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

why are you called torchbearer?

im ssorryy i took sso lonng withh thhiss onnee. thheree wass ssomeethhinng i reemembeerede thhat madee mee reeallyy eemotionnal.

itss ssupposseed to be myy titlee but inn reealityyy itss moree likee myy nnamee. i nneever likeed myy *actual* nnamee muchh. partlyy veecausse it reeminnded mee sso muchh of deema annd partlyy beecausse it wass sso massculinne. it fit mee likee a weeird shhirt thhat wass techhnnicallyy myy sixee. im glad i donnt reemembeer it annyymoree.

inn treenchh thhat iss whhat i did. eesspeeciallyy whheen i couldnnt sleeep at nnighht i ssat byy thhee eedgee of thhee treenchh withh a lit torchh. sso annyyonene whho eesscapeed could ssee thhe lighht annd a reeal peerssonn annd feeel leesss alonnee. thhatss hhow i stsarteed to be knnownn byy eeveryyonnee. as thhee torhchbeeareer. annd eevenntuallyy thhee bannditoss beegann to placee thheeir trusst inn mee.

myy besst freennd calleed mee ssomethhinng beetteer. thheeir nnamee for mee wass *torchh*.

[plain text : i'm sorry i took so long with this one. there was something i remembered that made me really emotional.

it's supposed to be my title but in reality it's more like my name. i never liked my "actual" name much. partly because it reminded me so much of dema and partly because it was so masculine. it fit me like a weird shirt that was technically my size. i'm glad i don't remember it anymore.

in trench that is what i did. especially when i couldn't sleep at night i sat by the edge of the trench with a lit torch. so anyone who escaped could see the light and a real person and feel less alone. that's how i started to be known by everyone. as the torchbearer. and eventually the banditos began to place their trust in me.

my best friend called me something better. their name for me was "torch".]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

clanncyy annd i aree cuttinng eeachh othherss hhair todayy!

thhey asskeed mee two dayyss ago if ii hhad annyythhnng thheey could shhave thheeir hheead withh. i keeep a ssmall knnifee withh mee but it woudl nneeeed to be shharpenened a lot tto cut hhair wihht it annd i told theem as muchh.

thhryy offeereed to takee turnns withh it whhichh wass reeallyy thhoughhtful. turnss out i couldnnt beear to olok at thhee bladdee withhout wanntinng to put it onn myy sskinn. i hhope theeyy hhad ann eeassieer timee.

lasst nnighth it hhad gotteeenn shharp ennoughh nnot to hhurt annd wee got sseet to do it thhee nneext mornninng. aa wee weree layyinng to sleeep thheyy asskeed mee if i alsso wannteeed a trim or ssomeethhing. theey asssureed mee thheey wouldnnt fucj annyythignn up annd tgat thheyvee cut hhair beeforee. mosstlyy thheeir ownn. itss moree eexperienncee thhann i hhavee sso i deecideed i cann counnt onn thheem to trim ssomee enndss annd makee eveeryythhunng look nniceer.

it would bee nnicee if i could fuckinng chhop it all off inn onnee go. i sstill smeell thhee sstrawbeerry air of thhe ssubmarinnee onn thhrm. but i did thhat onncee inn treennchh annd it hhurt. thhee freeshh start feelt good but i lookeed sso muchh likee a mann thhat i wannteed to cryy. i keept a beeanniee onn unntil it greew out.

nnot thhat im nnot a mann but itss complicateed. i ssort of feeel likee im two genndeerss annd nnonnr at thhe ssamee timee. inn deema clanncyy annd i hhad acceeess to computeerss annd thhee innteerneet thhr dayyss beeforee thhee shhow. i gueess thheyy thhoighht thhat would hheelp uss feeel calmeer for shhow dayy. weell accordinng to whhat i reead onn thheree thhee word *anndrogyynee* seeemss to fit hhow myy geennder workss.

i likee it. it sounndss like a sspeell.

[plain text : clancy and i are cutting each other's hair today!

they asked me two days ago if i had anything they could shave their head with. i keep a small knife with me but it would need to be sharpened a lot to cut hair with it and i told them as much.

they offered to take turns with it which was really thoughtful. turns out i couldn't bear to look at the blade without wanting to put it on my skin. i hope they had an easier time.

last night it had gotten sharp enough not to hurt and we got set to do it the next morning. as we were laying to sleep they asked me if i also wanted a trim or something. they assured me they wouldn't fuck anything up and that they've cut hair before. mostly their own. it's more experience than i have so i decided i can count on them to trim some ends and make everything look nicer.

it would be nice if i could fucking chop it all off in one go. i still smell the strawberry air of the submarine on them. but i did that once in trench and it hurt. the fresh start felt good but i looked so much like a man that i wanted to cry. i kept a beanie on until it grew out.

not that i'm not a man but it's complicated. i sort of feel like i'm two genders and none at the same time. in dema clancy and i had access to computers and the internet the days before the show. i guess they thought that would help us feel calmer for show day. well according to what i read on there the word "androgyne" seems to fit how my gender works.

i like it. it sounds like a spell.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

i cannt annsweer thhe lasst mail righht nnow.

[plain text : i can't answer the last mail right now.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

are you ok???

hhuhh. thhatss a funnnyy wueestionn. i meeann ivee beeenn beetter but itss nnot bad righht nnow. i hhavee ssomeonnee to look afteer1 i ainnt thhat usseelesss.

[plain text : huh. that's a funny question. i mean i've been better but it's not bad right now. i have someone to look after! i ain't that useless.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

🫵

hhuh? whhat. whhyy aree yyou poinntinng at mee annonymouss. im ssorryy ii ssounnd mad thhe quesstionn mark issnt workinngn.

i alsso apologixee for geettinng back to yyou so latee.

[plain text : huh? what. why are you pointing at me anonymous. i'm sorry i sound mad the question mark isn't working.

i also apologize for getting back to you so late.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

i wass plannninng to ssend aa signnal to thhe mainnland tonnighht. nneithher of us aree inn anyy connditionn to do thhat nnow. clanncy nneeeds resst annd we bohth nnedd to propeerlyy unndersstannd hhow theyy evenn hhave poweers. for nnow ill takee care off theem annd myyself heere. theeyyre sso sweeet. thheress someethhinng about thhem thhat feeels sso familiar.

if thhe sunn peermitss it thheey cann hhelp mee finnd Thhem. myy beest frieend. jusst thhe thoughht makeess mee wannt to cryy of joyy.

[plain text : i was planning to send a signal to the mainland tonight. neither of us are in any condition to do that now. clancy needs rest and we both need to properly understand how they even have powers. for now i'll take care of them and myself heere. they're so sweet. there's something about them that feels so familiar.

if the sun permits it they can help me find Them. my best friend. just the thought makes me want to cry of joy.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

cclanncy seeixeed a bishhop yyesterdayy.

we weere inn thhe cave withh thhose ssoup creaturess i dreww thhe othher dayy. onne of thhem stood up annd walkeed ouut tto thhe beachh. cclanncy got up tto follow it annd ii assked thhem whhatt wwas wronng. *itss asskinng me to comee out withh it. ii donnt knnow.*

i reeallyy didnnt knnow whhat to makee of thhat. theyy assureed me thheyy would bee finne so i jusst told thhem to yyell out for mee if thheyy needeeed me. thhen thheyy walkeed out.

i donnt knnow hhow lonng ii ssat thhere waitinng for someethhinng to go wronng. annyythhing. i ressorteed ot counntinng myy knnucklless oveer annd over aand decideed i wouuld ggo to chheck onn clanncy whhen i reeachhed a hhunndred. ssomeethhing told mee ii wass beeing clinngyy as ii walkeed out into thhe cold air.

i founnd thhem sobbinng on thhe shhore. two anntlers ssat byy thhem and myy minnd starteed to pieece togethher whhat hhapennned. ii wuicklyy deecidded nnot to assk thhem quesstionns righht thhen annd brougghht theem innside. thhryy didnnt speeak thhee enntire dayy. jusst wrotee whhat i asssumee wass a journnal enntryy. i didnnt disturb thhem.

todayy thheey actuallyy wannteed to talk withh me. theyy hhad neeedeed somee timee to proceesss whaht hapeenned.

thhe creeature had giveen theem thhe antleers. theey feelt likee thhey almosst lost conntrol of theeir body whhen thhe seeixing beegann. theyy *wokee up* aas a bishhop annd broke a nneon pillar. theey feeel ssure it wass keonns. wee donny knnow whhy thhey cann do thhis.

thhey saaid theyey donnt wantn to be deead. it brokee myy hheart.

[plain text : clancy seized a bishop yesterday.

we were in the cave with those soup creatures i drew the other day. one of them stood up and walked out to the beach. clancy got up to follow it and i asked them what was wrong. "it's asking me to come out with it. i don't know."

i really didn't know what to make of that. they assured me they would be fine so i just told them to yell out for me if they needed me. then they walked out.

i don't know how long i sat there waiting for something to go wrong. anything. i resorted to counting my knuckles over and over and decided i would go to check on clancy when i reached a hundred. something told me i was being clingy as i walked out into the cold air.

i found them sobbing on the shore. two antlers sat by them and my mind started to piece together what happened. i quickly decided not to ask them questions right then and brought them inside. they didn't speak the entire day. just wrote what i assume was a journal entry. i didn't disturb them.

today they actually wanted to talk with me. they had needed some time to process what happened.

the creature had given them the antlers. they felt like they almost lost control of their body when the seizing began. they "woke up" as a bishop and broke a neon pillar. they feel sure it was keons. we don't know why they can do this.

they said they don't want to be dead. it broke my heart.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

ii shhould reeally ggo bbackk. thhe sunns abouutt to risse annd iivee beenn ssiitnng hhere cryyinng ffor ann hhour. annd cclancyys ssleepinng aalonne annd i ddont wannt to leavve thhem onn thheir own foor ttoo lonng. thhey wwere so colld. i hhope thhey dont get siick.

[plain text : i should really go back. the sun's about to rise and i've been sitting here crying for an hour. and clancy's sleeping alone and i don't want to leave them on their own for too long. they were so cold. i hope they don't get sick.]

[the-one-with-the-torch]

bacck in trennch beefore i gott capptureed i hhad a bbest friennd. i ccant rremember anythhing about thhem anyymore. i donnt evven kknow if theyyre alive annd reeally thheres nno wway for me tto fiind out. i mmiss thhem sso mmuch aand yyet i ccouldnnt sppot them iin a crowwd if yyou paid me.

itt mmakess nno ssennse thhat i reemember everrythinng exxept thhem. ttherees nno wayy thhe bisshopss cannt picck and chhoose memoriiess whhenn thheyre erassinng thhem. i knnow nnico iis behhinnd it. thhat fuck.

if hiss inntnention withh tthat wwas to rid mee of myy purpossee thhen it didnnt work. i alwayys lovved thhem a bbit ttoo muchh. finnallyy thhats proviinng iitsself usseful.

[plain text : back in trench before i got captured i had a best friend. i can't remember anything about them anymore. i don't even know if they're alive and really there's no way for me to find out. i miss them so much and yet i couldn't spot them in a crowd if you paid me.

it makes no sense that i remember everything except them. there's no way the bishops can't pick and choose memories when they're erasing them. i know nico is behind it. that fuck.

if his intention with that was to rid me of my purpose then it didn't work. i always loved them a bit too much. finally that's proving itself useful.]