âJacuzzi Splot was, in fact, the leader of a rather amateurish gang. What had originally just been a loose group of wandering boys and girls in Chicago had, through his natural talent and effort, become an organization capable of taking on a small mafia head on. He wasnât especially charismatic, but he had a strange way of gathering people about himâor, to be more specific, it was like they gravitated to him. His appeal didnât spring from any sort of trustiness, but instead from the feeling that if left to his own devices heâd probably end up walking off a cliff somehowâhe evoked a strange sort of protective instinct in people. He was Jacuzzi Splot, the only gang leader in America who spent more time crying than scheming.â
â 1933: The Slash - Cloudy to Rainy (via claire-stanfields)
Hello Baccano! fans, I just finished Vol. 5 and made this fake satirical Clickhole-style article based on the ending [Light Novel Spoilers]
Full article on AO3 (and after the "Keep reading" if you'd like to read it here)
Over half a year ago, citizens of a local village were greeted with an unpleasant surprise at breakfast when they took a sip of water and suddenly found themselves wracked with the guilt of the allegedly terrible things they'd done to the local abused children. That's already nasty enough, but get this: It's never going to leave. According to reports, that water will make them spend every day of their life remembering what they did to those children and living with the guilt, pain, and suffering.
Talk about a win for humanity!
It's not every day that you get to see perfect karmic retribution dealt so cleanly and efficiently. But this one hero went above and beyond, making use of an amazing new liquid that can instantly curse people with agonizing remorse for the rest of their living days. He just took that bad boy and plopped it into the village's local water supply, all with a great big smile on his face! Living proof that doing good deeds only makes you happier!
We tried to reach this potential Nobel Peace Prize winner, but we saw he was busy making some children smile and knew we couldn't interrupt our generation's Mother Teresa in his work. We were able to track down a strange masked friend of his, who had this to say:
"That was pretty clever of him, I admit. I still would've preferred to slaughter everyone in the village and paint the streets with their blood, but this will do, I suppose."
Um, hello? Mass murder is so last year! The hot new thing is endless psychological torment and forcing people to live with themselves. Geez, for someone who seems to care about justice, this guy is really behind the times.
We also talked to a bespectacled friend of his about the potential implications of this super awesome miracle liquid and how it could be used to guilt-trip people for other terrible misdeeds, such as murder, infidelity, and telling your friend you'll be there in five minutes but you're actually in bed and you'll be late again like you always fucking are you stupid piece of shit. He had this to say:
"Oh... Hmm, I can see how you might've made that mistake. But the water isn't exactly something that makes people feel guilty. Or at least, that's not its purpose. It's actually a little more complicated than that. Um... how did Elmer explain it again? Think of it like a video game..."
And then he said a bunch of stupid nonsense that proves he's never played a single video game in his entire life. Clearly, this nerd is wrong and we just found a revolutionary guilt-tripping juice that needs to be shared with the entire world.
We also learned he was in organized crime, so we asked him how he could use his mafia connections to get the juice on the black market, at least. But then he just rambled about how he was actually a "Camo Rasta" or whatever. Like okay dude, I like Bob Marley too, but who cares? It's obvious that this guy is a fucking dork and his friend who smiles a lot is way cooler.
Sadly, we can't give any good news on when this substance will finally hit the shelves and you can take it to a local water treatment plant then watch as the town's worst criminals and most annoying mother-in-laws grapple with their filthy, disgusting souls. But until then, we recommend volunteering in your community and finding other ways to ethically poison your local water supply.
Tags: [Amazing] [Incredible] [Wholesome] [OMG] [Everyday Heroes] [Faith In Humanity Restored] [Science For The Win!] [Ethically Poisoning the Water Supply] [Wow]
âI earned these cheers. I built this world of mine. Sure, the ringleader and the others helped make this stage too. But these cheers, at this instant? All for me. Ah, I can feel the fact of my existence amid these cheers. All the effort I put into making sure of it wasnât wasted. But itâs not enough. Nowhere near enough. They say mankind has no limit, after all. I need more. I need to experience more, to try harder, to improve myself⊠Everything, to reach for the skies. And if it turns out that Iâm at the pinnacle of humanity⊠Then I can still reach higher, and higher still. Thereâs no such thing as a limit on being the best. You can always go for more. Thatâs what it means to be human. No⊠Thatâs what it means to be me.â
â Claire Stanfield (1933: The Slash - bloody to fair)
âAnd then the shadow took a step forward and placed its hands gently on her slender shoulders. She flinched at the sudden hug from behind, but soon realized who it was and relaxed, melting into his embrace. The muscles of her face barely moved, so those who didnât know her well probably wouldnât have noticed her relief, but it was there. âItâs okay,â the shadow murmured softly, soothingly. âItâs okay. Whatever it is, donât worry about it. You have me.ââ
â Claire and Chane (1933: The Slash - bloody to fair)
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