[the-relapse-diary]

Numb seemed the right way to go. Oh what a mistake. Yes feeling is terrible, but losing out on life? What a waste. Somehow, fortunately I guess you could say, it all came rushing back, and that was quite the trip. Definitely seized up. It was painful. However, now I just want to make it through it all and hold ‘em.

I’m glad I didn’t relapse.

[anxietyproblem]

[the-relapse-diary]

Is it love or obsession if I could lose everyone else in my life, except for them. I believe it’s love. But I’ve been wrong before about many things I believed.

[the-relapse-diary]

Helping people used to help me escape from myself, escape from all my thoughts. Now I have to worry about adding to the problem, and can no longer help because of it. Now, I’m stuck with myself.

[quotefeeling]

“If you knew how hard it was, and how long it took, to rebuild my little universe of peace and happiness then you would understand why I’m so picky about who I allow in my life.”

— Weird People

[the-relapse-diary]

I wish I had made more memories with them. If I’m going to lose mine, I don’t want it to be the ones with them… there isn’t enough for me to lose any…

[hatin]

via weheartit

[deathoftruespirit-deactivated20]

It’s amazing when you find people that you instantly feel connected with and you can’t help but smile when you think of them.

I hate people but I love you.

[anxietyproblem]

[dvnyaaa]

can you take care of my tired heart?

[the-relapse-diary]

I was lost in the storm within, and I was begging for mercy. Begging them for help as I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know why I couldn’t control the storm. I wish I didn’t ruin everything, but I was left to struggle on my own. I wonder if this is how they felt when I broke their heart.

[the-relapse-diary]

I gotta believe other people can truly change their nature, their flaws. Otherwise I won’t ever be able to believe that I can change despite my own nature. I see myself as not good, and others have agreed, does this mean I cannot change that bad nature? Or is it just that I cannot change their perception even if I have changed? Do they simply not consider it because they’ve not wanted that redemption for themselves?

[the-relapse-diary]

I was so good at telling myself to just not let myself feel any feeling while they were involved with whatever it was, being there physically or not. And now.. after making a massive change to my head, I can feel myself struggling to hold back the tears while they come across just my mind. This is…heavier.

[the-relapse-diary]

Consistent consciousness is exhausting. Wake and have zero drowsiness or grogginess, fully awake, and just become stuck with thoughts. It is getting annoying trying to keep busy, everything used as an escape is losing its’ power. Even multitasking has become less efficient, thinking in the background is still far too easy. It is extremely exhausting.

[the-relapse-diary]

Ah, my recent seizures have changed things a bit. I had a full body convulsive one that lasted longer than a half hour, and that was after having two conscious seizures that feel like I am dreaming reality. Since then I have had one in the middle of the night and one in the morning both days since being hospitalized. Strange that I told myself I would say something if it happened, and I have not said anything. How strange that even Death seems less terrifying than exposing my heart.

[euphorictruths]

The Gatekeepers- Erica Peebus

[the-relapse-diary]

A lesson, maybe like no other. However, I do not know if I want to learn. I have held off reading a letter of sorts that would answer a lot of the things. I would have to accept the answers. I told myself as I was thinking about what I was going to say next, and I figured I was going to tell that person that next time I felt like I was going to have one of my seizures that I would read it and let it hit me when I am most vulnerable. Since nothing I addressed has changed since then, I presume the message is not the best. I was going to tell them that and that we should current focus on other goals that benefit our child..

Then, yesterday shortly after gaming I was so exhausted early in the day that I went to bed, and then woke up in a hospital bed and apparently had had another 30 minute seizure with zero warning or recollection; does this mean I should read it or should I even tell them in the first place about it all.