idk it's just a blog

| 19 | "Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind."

[hatin]

“I think part of the reason why we hold so tight is because we fear something so great won’t happen twice”

— unknown (via hatin)

[plsingly-deactivated20251210]

[lohver]

never let your loneliness drive you back to toxic people

[the-secret-i-hide]

Leaving a toxic relationship has been one of the best things I've ever done. I found someone who, when I first met them, felt like I had known them forever. It's given me so much hope for everything. It's the best thing I've ever done and I hope for so much more time to spend with the person who makes me feel like I'm on top of the world.

[papiyan]

yes i’m in love with you and yes i stare at you when i hope you don’t notice

but i know you don’t feel the same and that i’m more of an convenience than a soulmate

your heart doesn’t beat faster when someone says my name

and you’ll never write cheesy poems about me that describe how i feel like art

i’m not as naive to think that your feelings will change but i’m not wise enough to stay away

[the-secret-i-hide]

What do you do when you feel like you fucked up?

[the-secret-i-hide]

Lines of Coke

I hope you think of me when you’re all alone in the bathroom of a bar doing a line of coke. I hope it fucks you up to see everything you’re missing out on and I hope you know that I won’t be here for you when you finally get sober again because you’ve burnt the bridge to lead you to me. I hope you remember me when you’re too high on coke to remember anything else.

[the-secret-i-hide]

Same Places New Memories

I keep overthinking every little thing that I did. I had such an amazing time hanging out with him. I’ve never realized how much I’ve been treated like shit until I met this wonderful guy. I think that it takes meeting someone who treats you right to really understand how much shit we take from the people we love to realize our worth as people in the sense oaf relationships. Being called ma’am, and having someone walk me to my car may be a super small thing for some people but honestly it is such a huge thing. As having dated someone who never did those things for me really changes my opinion of how nice men can be and that there really are better men in the world than that shitty guy. I think that I have stayed so long in the relationship that I was in because I felt afraid, afraid that because he always commented on my appearance and my taste in literally everything from movies to music has put me in this mindset of never being good enough for him because we don’t like the exact same things and I see how manipulative he can be to me. I will never forget the first love I ever had. I think this is a new time in my life and I am understanding how wonderful the world can be and the people in it can be. It takes someone so perfect to take you and show you how the things you used to do with someone else can be ten times better with them and the memories change and everything changes and it’s so amazing to share this world and everything it has with the right people. 

[the-secret-i-hide]

A new beginning

I've never realized that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship until I met someone who treated me like I deserved the world.

[purplebuddhaproject]

[the-secret-i-hide]

Seconds

When I first slept next to you my heart was beating faster than you could imagine and I lie the whole night not being able to sleep because I was thinking about how soft your skin might feel. The second night was more comforting like a cool breeze embracing the trees during a southern day and I remember drunkenly confessing my soul for you and you whispering the same. I remember the first time your warm fingertips caressed my clothed body next to yours, you running your fingers along my side and me running my fingertips through your trembling hair. My fingertips touching your bare skin while running them down the spine of your back to feel every single bone that was embedded in you. Lying next to you sharing the same breaths but now I'm standing next to you acting like it never happened and pretending like I'm a stranger to your affection has me being taken hostage by your touch. I can never look at you the same and feel like I've given you anything less than a glimpse into my darkened soul that you brought a ray of sunlight to. My soul is now a boarded up house with broken windows that has been abanded and burned to the ground. I crave the touch of your fingertips along my bare body, feeling my ribcage and the soul that needs your rays once more.

[teenagecrush]

“I want to run my fingers through your hair and feel your lips against mine.”

—

[the-secret-i-hide]

The thing that breaks my heart the most is knowing that I'm never anyone's first thought in the morning. I'm never anyone's first go to when they think of inviting someone to hang out. My biggest fault is that I get attached to easily to people and any thing they do that even gives off the vibe of seeming like I'm annoying breaks my heart. Falling crazily for my coworker and confessing my feelings only to find out he's going on other dates with girls and falling madly for them. Never quite fitting in with the people around me breaks my heart. Thinking that I'll never be more than just sex to the men I date will haunt me the most. And knowing that I'll be quickly forgotten when I perish tears me apart. You have all been sweet to me, but it's now the time for me to wither into the nothingness that is forgiving and forgetting the world I've known for ages to diminish to the pits of the kindered spirit of hell to live the rest of my endless eternal death that is life.

[the-secret-i-hide]

Update:

“She thinks I’m a sex addict.” I’ve had enough of this conversation. 

[the-secret-i-hide]

Coffee

I am currently sitting in a Starbucks and there are two old dudes, like a father and a son and they are sitting right next to me talking quite loudly about how his sons sex life isn’t great and how the chick he is with didn’t know how to give a blow job and how she can’t take criticism for it and that he is the only one that is giving the pleasure and he isn’t getting any. I literally cannot tune them out I cannot not listen to this conversation. He says that people usually marry virgins and people shouldn’t do that and that they should experiment sexually before they get married they are “completely missing the mark and they don’t get it”, first it is great but then peoples opinions come in and they affect the relationship and “sex is extremely important to me”. “We’re soul mates when it comes to sex...we’re hardcore crazy”. WHAT THE FUCK AM I LISTENING TO. “She sends me dirty pictures.” My ears are bleeding right now. 

[the-secret-i-hide]

The hardest part of letting go of this relationship is knowing that in hurting another person and that is why I cannot bring myself to break it off.

[the-secret-i-hide]

I don't know what I want out of life. I'm trying hard to convince myself I'm happy in this relationship when I am but not as happy as I could be. I want more out of every experience and I want to experience things with other people and having all these hidden feelings is taken a toll on my mental health. I finally have friends at my new job and yet again I've found myself feeling things towards another person and it's even harder when everyone around me is trying to convince me that it's glowing both ways but I refuse to believe anything because of the way I look. I want more than anything to be loved wholey by another person.