dedicated to noone

clear plastic cups filled with beer have always made your lips whisper the sweetest things

[papiyan]

it’s weird, isn’t it?

we were so close; a penny would’ve hardly fit between us

and there wasn’t a single day i felt unsafe with you

now when i try to remember your face

all i can think of is the night when i knew i had lost you

and i was so angry at the world for playing me like that

for making me believe in a love like that

now that i’m not angry anymore my brain begs for an answer

how did we went from everything to nothing?

[papiyan]

I don't write about you anymore. I don't know how to.

[papiyan]

nobody is ever sorry for the things they do to me. and i'm screaming and screaming but nobody ever listens.

[papiyan]

i have scars down my throat from the times i swallowed sorrows as big as my body

bleeding and aching, never allowing me to open my mouth because they'd crawl out if i did

and they're scratching my insides with long, sharp nails, tearing my body to pieces

(it hurts)

[papiyan]

things i have yet to learn:

 •      the size of my body isn't the problem, even my skeleton would take up too much space

•      changing to be a good fit for someone else feels insanely lonely

•      sleeping with someone even though it disgusts me is just stupid. it's not being 'friendly'

•      i shouldn't wish for someone's death.

[papiyan]

i understand that you don’t feel the way i feel but please, let me be in love just a little bit longer (you don’t need to speak to me ever again)

[papiyan]

there’s something wrong with you that’s what my mother used to whisper in my ear at night i was seven

i couldn’t sleep by myself till I was twelve some nights i woke up on a mattress next to her bed but i couldn’t remember moving it there

my wrist was black and blue after she took me out of an English class in fifth grade she left me crying in the hall

i have a scar on my thigh whenever i undress, people ask about it so i just stopped taking my clothes off

whenever i said i was afraid of my mother people looked funny at me because even after all she’s my mother and i’m just a child

[papiyan]

Am I a good person? I could be, maybe. Although I know that’s just me lying to myself by creating the possibility of me changing. I’ve always promised myself to become this other person – this better person – if only… If only something would be different. If only the timing was right, if only my mind wouldn’t be so damn broken, if only I could start again. But everything changed so much, so often, so drastically. And I’m still here. I’m still me. So maybe I must accept that this is all I’m able to be. A bad person. A wicked person. I’m so sorry, I really am.

[papiyan]

cutting your nails short moving from one bad habit to another coloring the roots of your hair blue and changing your way to work like your clothes waking up early because you're not allowed to eat after 6pm while losing hair like a cat when it gets warm new friends that despise smoking but binge drink like the men at the train station sitting alone in the park when it gets dark writing about a feeling one can't describe only feel waiting for letters that won't be send while smoking your frustration away (your friends don't need to know) cutting your nails short so they don't cut you whenever you clench your fist writing alone in the park till they turn the lights on

[papiyan]

last week i went to the opera and i thought about telling you but i had to remind myself that you live your own life now yesterday i was so tired i fell asleep on the floor when i woke up i knew you would have laughed but i kept myself from calling today i got my nose pierced and i felt so proud on the way home that i almost sent you a picture but i’m glad i didn’t

[papiyan]

you said there's nothing holding me back here and that gave me a good idea of how you see me but you said it in a reproachful tone as if i didn't care about anything here and i thought about you and me about how you said you couldn't possibly leave your friends and family and maybe it's true maybe i'm afraid of staying but you're afraid of leaving and i guess that's bad too

[papiyan]

i want to love you

but i guess nobody ever thaught me

how to love

without destruction

i want to love you

but i don't know how

the only love i know

makes you want to die

[papiyan]

i have the tendency

to take things too personal

and to ruin myself carelessly

because it's not art if it's not a tragedy

right?

but it's not poetic to destroy yourself

for nothing but some sad poems

and bloodshot eyes

i'll have to work on that

[papiyan]

what you do an a thursay morning you wake up at a friend's house after a night of not sleeping because the couch was too hard and you drink your coffee black even though you don't like coffee and it burns your throat you can't listen to any songs on the way home but you're brain won't shut up so you smoke next to the cemetery where your grandfather lays even though you stopped smoking and it makes your fingers tingle when you're home you sit besides the toilet but you can't throw up when there's nothing in your stomach so that's what you do on a thursay morning

[papiyan]

you want to meet a friend and i want to meet god and neither of them care

[papiyan]

we promised to make pancakes together we made a pinky swear about it you even made sure to remind me by drunk texting me at 4am and you made me a list with all your favourite places and offered to show me around and i was really excited i had pancakes many times since then and i still only know the same bench as usally we never had a game night and i don't belive in pinky swears anymore

[papiyan]

I tell everyone that it's fine, but it's not. This shit hurts, you hurt. And it's not about the way you decided to come into my life, but the way you decided to leave. It's leaving without really going away, but if I try to reach for you, you're miles away. I wish I'd never tell you about my mom or the one time I tried to learn how to knit. I wish you wouldn't know my favourite colour and I wish I wouldn't have shown you my poems. You know things about me that nobody else does. That’s pretty scary. But I really liked you. So no, it’s not fine. I’m very sad.