Tired

||Rainn • Any Pronouns || https://kk-1004.carrd.co/ previously rainidoll, privating acc for a bit Nothing I post or say is /srs it's all for the bit we're on tumblr

[ame-to-ame]

hii this is a mess so:

#my art is where I post my art

#oc content tagged have my ocs, usually art abt them

#kk rambles : I yap a lot. Usually in tags. Misc stuff

#yuri rambling : I yap a lot. Usually with screenshots. About Yuri content I'm consuming.

I am very bad at not oversharing on the internet and using my public tumblr like a vent diary so here are some other tags to feel free to block for better fandom viewing experience:

#tw health

#tw sa

#delete later

Current main interest include

Bocchi the Rock! : #btr! #bocchiposting

Alien stage : #alien stage #mizisua #ivantill

Dungeon meshi : #dunmeshi #dungeon meshi #farcille #mithrun

pjsk: #pjsk #mizuena

Birds : #birdposting

I repel all irl ppl. If you know me irl no you don't. Exit right.

[ame-to-ame]

Ghhhhhhhh (becomes a worm)

I feel so absolutely mentally ill these days and I know it's a combination of hormones and stress but genuinely I feel like a walking ragdoll and a pos where I am simultaneously not doing anything or doing enough but also responsible for everything going wrong. but also those can coexist and everything going wrong may as well be due to me not doing enough. And I can tell myself to not be so hard on myself but at the same time I tell myself that I don't have the luxury of being loose on myself and if I relax too much I will fall behind. But ghh. It's one step at a time. And I do feel a little more stable with where I am in life right now. And I do feel a little more grounded. And I thank my friends who I can joke about imagining a future where I am rich and buying everyone a mansion where we all live together because if I don't imagine it I don't know how I can get through sometimes. Gh. I want to be good at everything I do I want to be good at work and good at school and good at art and good at my instruments and hobbies and dance and cooking and baking and gaming and sewing and crafts and everything and I want to be a good friend to everyone but I feel like I have so little time and energy and I feel so so selfish sometimes for having to prioritize. Like nobody understands the urgency I have in my head and why I'm so intense about things sometimes but truly I fear in my head everything is ticking down</3 there is not enough time to do anything there is not enough time and I cannot waste it because I'm lucky if I live longer than I'm lucky I'm alive at all and you truly truly never know how much time you are allotted for anyone or anything so God forgive me for holding onto every moment like it's the last and being scared to close my eyes sometimes.

Also I am so normal. I am so normal and I do not have guilt running in my veins. Sometimes u have to do things alone if your people pleasing tendencies make it so u can't focus on yourself ghh. Sometimes I'm just really really scared that I'll go through all of it and come out of the other end and realize I'm alone and then I'd have to wonder what all of it was for. I'm trying to do this in some part for some people in mind but in doing so I'm spending less time with them and so it's kinda all fucked up in my head and I wish I read a little less or felt a little more strongly about existentialism but something something you have to make your own choices and you make your own meaning or something like that. If I believe really hard that it's all worth it then it will all be worth it.

[ame-to-ame]

[ame-to-ame]

If this one flops I'm just gonna admit that I am not on the same artistry wavelength and retire into drawing whatever the fuck I want I say as I draw another piece that is entirely self gratifying and partially for some sort of weird compulsive check to make sure I didn't lose certain skills in my artist toolbox

[ame-to-ame]

If I could become a constellation

Color n composition r hard and I'm having artblock but i do like how this looks 🥺 I guess there's no other way to get better than just drawing more

[ame-to-ame]

Not to be like I am an amalgamation of everyone I've ever loved and who's ever loved me but

My amazing friend who I met this last year somehow stumbled on me knowing this one artist (I made a comic that had a reference to it) and took me to this artist's concert and while I was there I realized I knew like basically the words to almost every song despite them not being on my mind for a while

I don't talk to the person who introduced me to the artist anymore. Forever ago they made me playlists and we texted throughout the night and they introduced me to the scene. Probably shaped part of my personality. We don't talk anymore and it's probably for the better but I'm forever thankful they let me inherit banger music taste and loved me in ways during a time when I couldn't understand it n I will telepathically hope for them that they're doing great in the great Seattle area polycule /j

Anyway having a little bit of a sentimental moment of concluding a lot of things and wow like I am made up of everyone I know... My friend I've known for half my life is throwing me a party and my new friend is taking me out for food n concerts and I'm moving in next year with another friend and I play DND and bake and dance and crash out over numbers and lock in on work together with my friends but also I've also grown enough to be able to ask people to do things together and also do things on my own ... I'm loved by a lot of people including myself ... Everything is going to be ok!

[xochihuacoyotl]

so. not to doxx myself (i've talked about this here before though) but i live in Kansas. and my license was just revoked very suddenly and immediately because i'm trans and had changed my gender marker.

so now i cannot legally drive or vote until/unless i let them force me to carry around a card that misgenders me and outs me as trans, because i certainly don't look female anymore.

[xochihuacoyotl]

so hey if you have the means and want to help with any of this, please consider donating to the ACLU of Kansas because they are at least going to try to do something to push back against this, and i'm such a panicky wreck that the only thing i can do to get through my immediate gut reaction to having my license revoked tonight (i cannot stress enough that i received the letter today saying that my license is no longer valid tomorrow) is focus on the fact that there's at least one entity trying to protect me and my fellow trans kansans.

Support the ACLU of Kansas Foundation

[faggotfungus]

More info on what's been happening in Kansas:

Kansas Sends Letters To Trans People Demanding The Immediate Surrender Of Drivers Licenses

"The legislature did not include a grace period."

[itsapmseymour]

Still wrapping my head around the fact the phrase "Hold Your Horses" is a play on the word Stable...

To be stable.

[zzoupz]

[zzoupz]

[actuallyapathy]

obsessed w how none of these are the real origin of the phrase

[swanpaw]

[ame-to-ame]

写点虚构的自白吧

母亲临走前，满是懊悔的告诉我--虽说是劝告我，但是更像是劝告过去的自己-- 她的母亲教会了她无私奉献，她希望我能更自私一些。母亲没有回头看我。我知道，她其实比起希望我能自私，更希望我能听话。

学姐的毕业季，我们坐在了草地上，晚风把她的头发轻轻地扬了起来。阿鱼，她说。你该更自私一些。我笑着点头。我最近在学怎么拒绝。她的笑声如叹息一般。我希望学姐能夸夸我，为我骄傲。但是若我是能让她感到骄傲的学妹的话，我本就不需要试着摸索拒绝的窍门。

是啊，我并不是一个特别好的人。我只是很乖，会乖乖的听话。但是聪明的孩子不需要你教他，他就无师自通了。他们说笨鸟先飞，但是我连开窍都比别人要晚，所以我又该怎么追上她们的步伐呢。

秋风徐徐，我终于迎来了我的契机。

人群中，你像是游客一般，融入在群体里，但又不属于这里。那恰到好处的淡泊，没有任何尴尬的自如。我悄悄看了一眼，又重新投入我的演戏。无根漂泊的人有很多，像我这种急于融入大部队的更是熙来攘往。只是他们都比我更善于演戏，而我还在学。

笨鸟还在地上无助的扑腾。

即便是熟识你后，坐在你的床上，面对你的淡泊我还是感到深深的羡慕。什么事都好像不值得你为它停留。我从由衷的希望你的眉头能一直舒展，到默默的询问自己能否有一天会值得让你上心。

这卑劣的想法让我自己都震惊。

你看，我也学会了自私。遇见你后，如鱼得水。

时间不为任何人停留，你也不为任何不关与你的事物烦恼。我呢？我乘坐在你身边，默默祈祷着我的名字能在关于你的书信中留下轻轻的一笔。不求很重，只求能悠久。若是赞美你的歌声中，我的存在能如和声般称拖着你，余音绕梁声声不绝就好。

你的目光没有为任何人停留。芸芸众生人人平等，我告诉自己并不是特别的也无妨。

又一年的落叶秋风。急于求成的我也学会了等待。没有保证的等待又算是什么呢？或许是盲目的自信，或者孤注一掷的勇气吧。

你坐在我身边。隔着衣服，我能感受到你的体温。如果我们的距离能一直保持这样就好。只要是这样，那一切都好。

我该怎么做才能长久的待在你身旁呢？我想问问你，但是我怕一开口，我的眷恋和柔软就无处可藏。远行的旅者，你的路途上又会有多少志同道合的伙伴，有多少风光的景色。我该怎么样才能和你一直长长久久的走下去呢？

自私的我，希望你能为我停留。而自私的我，又希望你的前路畅通无阻。我的自私组成了一种逻辑自洽的矛盾，我只能奔跑再奔跑，希望我能出现在你人生的每个关口，希望我能在你每个为你自己设置的终点里。

笨笨的小鱼只有七秒的记忆。这可能也是属于我的凉薄，也是我的保护色。我只记得对我来说重要的事物。而对我重要的事，好像就是吃饭，学习，做个好人，融入社会，还有遇见你。

[ame-to-ame]

Reading a cute ghost x human fic n reminding myself that I am not going to wish that upon myself just bc I like the idea of being able to hang around someone 24/7 without having the impending doom n stress of living and achieving things

[ame-to-ame]

slightly NSFW on main but

Sweating bullets a little bc my friend n I were talking abt lingerie and she mentioned red lingerie in white clothes and I'm here eyes wide holding my breath bc low-key I was wearing red under white shorts when she was sleeping over and I can't help but wonder if they were visible and this is her way of telling me subtly

[ame-to-ame]

Doing the kiss meter trend on twt/X hehe

[ame-to-ame]

100 notes!

[ame-to-ame]

200 notes!

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300 notes!

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500!

[ame-to-ame]

750!

[ame-to-ame]

1000!

Thank u all for following this journey and completing the gauge!

[ame-to-ame]

Maybe my extreme startle reaction is because I'm traumatized and hyper aware and hyper vigilant have you considered that huh

[charl0ttan]

im your girlfriend now btw. puts my hand jn yours. we're going to a function

[ame-to-ame]

Not to be doxxing myself and my age but I read btr manga up until around the part where the girls are graduating around the same time I was having a transitional period of life and so to me the members of the band feel like they've grown up with me and are my age ... If that makes sense... Like to me they're adults going to college or starting their band and past high schoolers ... But maybe it's bc I'm projecting too hard

[ame-to-ame]

Mitsuki + Ryo!

Cool androgynous string instrument players with beauty marks around their eyes and earrings who canonically get girls but also have loser aura (affectionate) <3

Inspired by how I ran across 2 posts consecutively on my feed of characters from different franchises next to each other like woah yeah I can do that too

[ame-to-ame]

😋