EVERYTHING GOLDEN DIES @the-vicdonovan - Tumblr Blog

sinnersformysins:

Jett wondered silently how he was going to be able to peel Johanna away from Vic without the child kicking up a major tantrum - she was at that terrible two phase already. For the most part though, Jett always managed to get her to calm down, really because the tantrum only came from something stupid like, not being able to go on the swing when she woke up in the middle of the night. This was different though, he knew that. Johanna had never met her mother in person before, not that she could recall anyway - the way she clung to her like she was a life support was heartwarming, but he feared she would only take it hard when they had to go home. Vic too, now that he thought about it. The more his mind chewed itself up, the more flaws he was picking up on. He didn’t really think about the aftermath, which was odd for him, but he was hardly to blame. Hearing his baby tell him she wanted her mother had his brain in a total puddle the second the words left the babies lips.

“Hm, what?” Jett cleared his throat as he pulled himself from his thoughts. “Oh, um…” he paused to shrug a shoulder. “You wanna bail on your own party? What about your sister, she’ll notice your absence,” Jett laughed mockingly as he nodded towards her sibling, all eyes focused on the man she was dancing with. Maybe going somewhere else wasn’t such a bad idea - if people were going to get drunk then it wasn’t really the place for a child. “… Sure. Maybe the park before it gets dark? We weren’t staying long anyway, this little madam wouldn’t eat her tea because she was too busy swirling around in her dress,” the male narrowed his eyes playfully towards the child as her own peeked up at him. A giggle erupted from her throat as she kept her head on Vic’s shoulder, her little hands clinging to the fabric of her clothes. “What I’m trying to say is, she’ll be hungry and, well, I’m always hungry so… We can order some food back at mine?”

Was that weird? He frowned awkwardly, rubbing at the back of his neck. The invite just kinda came spilling out before he could stop them. Giving in to his own desires was clearly landing him in a very big hole - how would Johanna feel? He didn’t want to confuse her or have her think it meant Vic would always be there. Honestly, what was up with his brain today? “I think Erin’s staying out,” he glanced over at her, not that she was taking any notice. “, and the parents swooped off pretty much a week after I got home.” Jett couldn’t help but roll his eyes in slight irritation. They barely spent any time with Johanna, but even less time with a traumatized Erin, and they had the cheek to call themselves parents? “So I’m all kinds of blaah today like, I think my brain has had a meltdown somewhere between jewelry and fluffy dresses so…” he chuckled. “Just tell me if I’m over-stepping or.. you know, confusing you - but you’re welcome to stay over. You know, if you want… I’m not entirely sure if she will let go of you anyway.” Jett smiled, he only muttered his words, making sure Johanna didn’t hear them and get excited.

"Parties aren't really my thing anymore," Vic shrugged, twisting her body slightly to glance over at her sister, an affectionate smile making it's way to her face as she watched her sister dance. "Oh, I'm sure she won't mind. My guess is she'll be pretty occupied for the rest of the night," Vic joked back, turning to look at Jett and waggling her eyebrows with a quiet laugh. "As long as I showed my face for a little while, she'll be happy. And I think she'll understand if I leave early," Her eyes flickered to glance at Johanna as she spoke and it dawned on her that her sister had only met her niece once and that had only been a few seconds after a Vic had given birth to her. But then again, had her family spent any time with Johanna while Vic had been to rehab? There was so much she needed to catch up on and she had so many questions to ask that it was hard to remember them all. The blonde couldn't help but laugh at Jett's comment about Johanna and she looked down at the little girl with a grin. "Well, it's a very pretty dress so it needs to be swirled around in. Boys just don't understand," she said to their daughter who nodded enthusiastically in agreement. "I think the park sounds like a lovely idea. And food, of course. Food is always a good idea." Vic smiled, testing her eyes away from the child and looking up at Jett.

Maybe it should've felt a little awkward but Vic just felt happy that it seemed so easy to slip back into normality. It was the exact opposite of what she had been expecting and words couldn't describe how relieved she was. As Erin was mentioned, Vic's brows raised as she realised that she had been too focused on Johanna that she hadn't noticed Jett's sister. She turned her head to glance over, flashing a smile and lifting her hand to wave when Erin looked over. It was good to see that the girl she considered family seemed to be doing okay after everything she had been through. Frowning, Vic looked back at Jett when he informed her about his parents but she didn't comment. "How's Erin doing?" She asked, her voice laced with concern. "Is she okay?"

His next offer took her completely by surprised and, though she tried her hardest not to let it show on her face, she failed miserably and her brows rose while her mouth opened in a silent stammer. It wasn't that she wanted to decline the offer. Not at all. But it shocked her to the point where she wasn't sure what to say in response. "I'll stay over." She spoke quietly, trying to keep her voice as low as possible to shield the conversation from Johanna. "If you're sure." She added quickly, not wanting to think about how hard it would be for both her and Johanna when Vic would have to leave the next day. But she was selfish and she had never really been able to say no when it came to Jett. And now Johanna, too.

superscanaries

#daaaaaaayum #that second gif #face

sinnersformysins-blog1

Jett’s lips parted once Vic had clapped eyes on their baby girl, he was holding his breath, like he had no idea what was about to happen. It wasn’t that he doubted if Vic wanted to see Johanna, it was more so having the child appear so without warning or preparation. He knew how easy it was for one overwhelming moment to knock someone back ten paces. Though, he hoped it wouldn’t, he hoped that if anything, it would be a good kind of over-whelming feeling, if ever there was one. When the blonde turned to him with a smile, Jett released the breath that he felt he had been holding for hours. “Yeah, of course she does.” he bowed his head, relaxing his shoulders as he seemed to collapse onto the barstool.

This was a lot to take in, even for a mind like his, even though he knew it was going to happen for a good couple hours. It wasn’t enough time and honestly, he knew he could never prepare himself for this moment. Johanna had a smile on her face, despite how her lower-lip trembled. She was a clever girl, but she was still only a child, to have a feeling so powerful was new to her and she wanted to laugh and cry all at once. “Yes.. prettyful.. like.. like you!” Johanna began to beam as she swayed on her spot. Her lips parted and she blinked shyly when her mothers hand touched her skin, stealing a glance to Jett who offered a comforting smile. He was silent, just watching the scene before him play out. Seeing the sheer joy on their faces stole his breath away, given how happy they were. That was all he ever wanted for the both of them. Happiness, for the two girls he loved the most in the world.

Seeing them wrap their arms around each other made him tear up and though he felt like he needed to look away and compose himself, he couldn’t move his gaze. Seeing them together gave him an indescribable kind of feeling. He watched Johanna cling onto Vic like she was afraid to let go and for a few moments, a sadness took over the joy that came from seeing them together. He always thought he did right by Johanna. Well, he did - but perhaps not when it came to the decision he made way back when. The choice to take her away from a nice family and away from Vic too. “Don’t thank me –” he whispered, his eyes fixated on Johanna’s face, even though he was speaking to Vic. Jett knew not to expand on his words, he knew he didn’t even need to, Vic would know the exact road his thoughts had traveled down. “Mama!” Johanna clung a little tighter around Vic’s neck as she nuzzled her little face into the crook, almost like it was something she had always done. A tear escaped Jett’s eye and he dipped his head, quick to remove it and let out a quiet chuckle. “Wove you too! To - to the moon!” Johanna hiccuped as she sniffled softly, closing her eyes blissfully against Vic.

“It’s good to see you, Vicky.” Jett breathed out, a soft smile of adoration on his face. Of course he had seen her just prior to her rehab trip, but that wasn’t her. Not his Vic. But this healthy beautiful blonde stood before him now, was. That was her. His Victoria, the only woman to steal his heart. Standing up, he leaned forward, wrapping a gentle arm around her, being careful not to squish or disturb Johanna. “I’m so proud of you,” he whispered into her ear, pressing a kiss to her temple before moving himself a step back.

the-vicdonovan

Ever since Johanna had been born, Vic’s biggest regret had been giving their child away and not being part of her life properly. That, and not telling Jett about her until it was too late. After all the terrible things she had done, the last thing Vic thought she deserved was to have her daughter in her arms but now that it was happening, the blonde wasn’t going to take a single second for granted. She wasn’t sure how things would work out from now on - and she was definitely certain they wouldn’t just jump right in to playing happy families - but even just knowing that Johanna knew who she was was more than Vic felt she deserved. When the time came to have an inevitable talk with Jett, she wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to tell him how grateful she was for the way he had brought up their daughter. There weren’t enough words to truly get her point across.

There was no stopping the fresh wave of tears that threatened to spill from her eyes when the word ‘Mama’ reached her ears and Vic clung onto the little girl in her arms as if she were a lifeline. This was real. Vic was a mom, and her daughter was more than aware of the fact. And seemingly more than accepting of Vic. The blonde’s eyes closed when their child snuggled closer to her and she couldn’t help but notice how right this felt. How it felt like the most natural thing in the world even though the two barely knew each other. “To the moon?” Vic gasped, pressing a kiss against the side of Johanna’s head.. “That’s a lot.”

Her attention was dragged away when she heard Jett speak and, for the first time in what felt like years, she let herself feel exactly how much she had missed him. She had seen him just before she had left town to go to rehab but she didn’t like to think about that. The look on his face when he realized she had started taking drugs again was still fresh in her mind, and now that things were starting to fall back into place again, she hoped she could build up some new memories that would push the bad ones aside. “It’s good to see you, too.” It was. It really was. And the way her heart jumped in her chest was more than enough to back up her words. Vic’s eyes slipped closed as Jett whispered in her ear and she couldn’t fight the smile that crept onto her face. In the short time since her return, many people had said that they were proud of her but it meant a lot more to hear the words from Jett. After all they had been through, after all of the mess...to hear him say that he was proud of her was everything she needed. “Thank you. That...that really means a lot.” She whispered back, giving him a soft smile as she watched him.

From the way Johanna was clinging to her, Vic knew there was no way of letting go of her anytime soon - not that she was complaining - so, with one quick glance around the Grill, the blonde opened her mouth to speak. “I have a feeling there are going to be some pretty drunk people in here soon so...” She paused hesitantly. “...do you wanna...go somewhere else?” She suggested, looking up at Jett. “I mean, we could take Johanna somewhere and do something fun. Just the three of us.” It was a bold suggestion, she knew that, but she would take spending time with her family over a party any day.

sinnersformysins:

Jett had heard the whispers floating around, but nothing was really confirmed until he bumped into Victoria’s friend early this morning. She told him where Vic had been and how healthy she looked since her return. It had been two months now - two months he had been home, keeping an eye on his sister, Erin. Their parents had left not long after her return, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave her too. Especially not when Johanna seemed to be the only thing that put a genuine smile on her lips. - Vic’s friend had told him about the get together at the grill and though he was pleased she was clean and home, he didn’t want to impose on her life. Not until Johanna herself had something to say about it. It was his own fault, really, as he spoke about it to her thinking she was just too young to understand any of what he was saying. But of course, she picked up on words and, why wouldn’t she? She had his brain after all, he shouldn’t have even questioned her ability to know her mothers name when she heard it. “Mama…” her eyes filled up as she made grabby hands into the air, just as she always did. Jett looked down at her with an almost sad expression as he picked her up. “Yeah,” was all he could mumble. “… huggies?” Johanna whimpered. Many times before she had used that word to signal that she wanted to cuddle her mom, but never before was that even an option. Jett looked into her eyes as he thought through the idea. Had Vic not just spent the past couple months getting clean, he wouldn’t have even considered allowing the child anywhere near her. - Without even thinking, he was already on his way to a jewelry store. “Pick something for your mother, J” he smiled, putting her down as he let her run around, looking through the pieces. “.. this one, this one!” Johanna jumped, tapping the glass toward a beautiful golden locket with engraved flowers. With a smile, he paid for it gift wrapped and strolled home, mooching through her clothes till he pulled out a baby pink dress that had matching shoes. It made her look just like the princess she was. “Hey, Erin, little moral support, eh?” he looked towards his sister as she entered the room. “J wants to go to see Vic” he took a deep breath as he brushed through her long blonde locks. The next half an hour was a total blur the more his mind tried to come to terms with what was about to happen. Jett didn’t want to just stroll in with her, no, he needed to see her himself first, so he sent Erin and Johanna through the back way, keeping them out of sight until he seen his ex lover for himself. The male walked through the doors and headed straight for the bar, hoping to knock a drink into him first, however, fate clearly had other plans. The blonde figure that appeared next to him took him by surprise. “Vic,” he breathed. Wow. She looked incredible. Healthy… Happy. “Um yeah, well I - I mean I wasn’t going too because I didn’t know if –” he paused, stealing a glance behind her as he watched his daughter eagerly stood in the corner, all dressed up, clutching her gift and bouncing happily on her spot. “I’m so sorry if this going to be too much, but I could never say no to you, never mind a mini you…” he smiled almost apologetically and nodded to Erin, who released Johanna from her grasp. “She wanted to meet you” he added quietly, to confirm Victoria’s silent thoughts. The small child had already picked her mother out from the crowd and she was practically bubbling with joy as she moved her little feet as fast as she could, looking up with wide eyes once Vic had turned around and looked down at her. Johanna froze suddenly and her gorgeous blue eyes filled up as her lower lip trembled. She wasn’t sad though, no, she was very far from - Johanna was in complete awe as she stretched her hands upwards, holding out the piece of jewelry for Victoria to take. “..f-for you” she inched herself a little closer as her lips curved upwards, a bright smile appearing, lighting up her entire face. - Jett leaned against the bar, not wanting to involve himself. This was their moment, however it was going to pan out, he knew Johanna needed this and he silently hoped that Vic needed it too. The last thing he wanted was to overwhelm her.

At first, Vic couldn't work out what Jett was saying and a confused look crossed her features before it finally clicked in her brain that she needed to look at whatever he was looking at. She turned her head to look over her shoulder, her heart stopping when she saw the tiny blonde child in the corner. "Oh, my god..." Vic whispered, feeling like the air had been knocked out of her the second her eyes had landed in the beautiful child who resembled both Vic and Jett equally. Tears began to build in Vic's eyes and she smiled when she saw how excited Johanna seemed to be and it dawned on her that she recognised her mother. That was something she hadn't been expecting. Completely surprised, Vic turned back to Jett, her eyes wide as an overwhelmed smile tugged at the corners of her lips. "She knows me." It wasn't a question, but more of a surprised realisation. And Vic had never wanted to hug someone more than she wanted to hug Jett in that moment. The fact that he hadn't let Johanna grow up not knowing her - even after everything Vic had done and certainly didn't deserve it - hit her hard and she could feel her heart pounding against her chest as a tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek. "Thank you." She whispered, smiling up at him and wiping the tear away before she turned back to face their daughter, who was know running towards her.

After placing her drink on the nearest table, Vic crouched down in front of her child, her smile spread into a grin that she was certain couldn't be wiped away by anything. "For me?" She gasped, reaching out to carefully take the gift from Johanna and taking a look inside. She stared down at the locket, her mouth dropping in awe before she glanced up at Johanna again. "It's beautiful. Thank you!" She cooed, blinking back tears as she stared at the child she hadn't seen in so long. "Did you pick this?" Vic asked, grinning when the blonde child nodded with a proud grin of her own.

As she looked at her daughter, it was like every bad thing that had happened over the last few years was suddenly gone. Everything was wiped away by one smile from the perfect child she and Jett had made. Gingerly reaching out, her hands shaking from how nervous she was, Vic placed her hand on Johanna's cheek softly, keeping it there for a moment before she carefully tucked a blonde lock behind her ear. Johanna simply stared back at her, mother and daughter seeing each other properly for the first time and neither of them wanting to let the moment go to waste. "You are perfect. So, so perfect." Vic whispered, more to herself than anything else. Johanna giggled shyly, stepping forward and closing the distance between them as she held her little arms out as a silent way of saying she wanted a hug. Not wasting any time, Vic reached out, scooping the child up into her arms and holding her close, the hand that wasn't holding the locket resting on the back of Johanna's head and their daughter's arms wrapped around Vic's neck.

There was no stopping the tears anymore as Vic held her child close. The two stayed as they were for what felt like hours before Vic finally found it in herself to move. Without letting go of Johanna, Vic stood up, carrying the child who seemingly was refusing to let go of her. She turned to face Jett, giving him a tearful smile over Johanna's shoulder. "Thank you." She mouthed, knowing that she could say the words a thousand times over and it still wouldn't be enough. She had been awful to him and yet he was still being so nice to her and had brought their daughter up so the child knew who her mother was enough to recognise her without a moment of doubt. And that was more than Vic could've possibly asked for. Carefully shifting Johanna onto her hip, Vic took a few steps closer to Jett, unable to hold herself back anymore as she wrapped her free arm around him, hugging him as best as she could given the fact that Johanna was still clinging onto her for dear life. Closing her eyes, Vic rested her forehead on Jett's shoulder, taking a moment to breathe it all in. She had spent the last couple of years going through hell but she had managed to walk away from it all and was still lucky enough to have the people she loved most in her life. It was unbelievable and she swore there and then that she wouldn't ever fuck up that badly again. Losing everything she cared about just wasn't worth it. Pulling back from Jett, Vic gave an almost shy smile before turning her attention back to their daughter, pressing a kiss to the side of the child's head. "I love you." She whispered, seemingly to Johanna though she was directing the words to Jett too. "I love you so much."

@sinnersformysins

Two months. Two months it had been since Vic had left town without a word and went to stay with her mother who helped her check into a rehab facility somewhere far enough away from home so nobody could find her. Knowing that Jett and Johanna had returned to town had been a wake up call that Victoria had desperately needed and it had been the ultimate push towards the help she required to battle her addiction properly. Now, after months of therapy, cold turkey and withdrawals, Vic had returned home. Completely clean and looking more like herself than she had in a long time. Her face was no longer pale and tired looking, she had returned back to a healthy weight, her hair was back to it's natural blonde colour and was styled into long curls than fell over her shoulders and back. If anyone that didn't know her took one look at her, they never would've guessed that she had spent the last few years battling with her drug addictions.

The news of her return to town (and her healthier state) had spread around fast and before she even had the time to unpack and get settled, her friends were insisting she went to the Grill where a little 'Welcome Home' party was being thrown for her. Deciding to show her face for an hour or two, Vic mingled with her friends and family, sticking strictly to non-alcoholic drinks as she laughed and danced and felt truly happy for the first time in years. Excusing herself from her friends for a moment, Vic went over to the bar to order herself another coke, glancing around the bar with a smile and stopping short when she saw a familiar face walk through the door. The smile was still on her face as she looked at Jett from where she was standing and the voice of the bartender telling her her drink was ready snapped her out of her daze. She paid for the drink, grabbed it and walked across to the other side of the Grill towards Jett. It was terrifying to see him after so long (again), but she needed to break the ice somehow. "Jett." She reached out, placing her hand on his arm when she was close enough to get his attention. "I didn't know you were coming."

swiftaudios

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#but why can I see Vic singing this????#music

jennception

“Year by year I learn more about myself, and I think that confidence and honesty and just really being true to yourself is probably the most beautiful thing that you can do for yourself and the people around you.”

Happy 30th Birthday Dianna Elise Agron//April 30th, 1986

#look at how cute that first picture is omg #face

rocky-lockwood

“Oh” he nodded, taking about three seconds before her words really clicked in his head. “Oh…” he said again, looking towards her. He wasn’t sure what to say. Wasn’t even sure how he felt about that, so instead he just looked at her blankly whilst his brain soaked in the new information. The funny thing was, if she got in touch a few days later, it wouldn’t have been too late at all. For a whole year he just assumed she didn’t want to leave with them. “I thought you just didn’t want to…” he mumbled. “Shit happens, I guess.” Jett creased his brows, looking away again. What was he supposed to say? ‘Oh hey, it’s ok you didn’t get my text about leaving to raise our child because you were off your face on drugs. Totally fucking fine.’ Well, it wasn’t fine, but it also wasn’t something he was going to get into or blame her for. It’s not like he could change it now.

“Yeah. It caught me by surprise too” he half smiled as he recalled the moment. “Maybe not, but she does know who you are. I was all kinds of pissed about you not even replying to me to say you didn’t want to leave, but I got over it and I realized that I didn’t want her to not know who you are. So I started talking about you, not that she understood.. but I show her videos of you. You know, just old silly ones that I can’t bring myself to delete. Now she’s a bit older, when I put one on for her she knows you by face. I have that one of you sat on my bed singing but you say hello at the beginning and every time she hears it she waves at the screen and says ‘mama’” he chuckled. Sure it was a sad situation, but he couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Johanna. “She really is very clever, don’t know who she gets that from.” Jett curled his lips into a small smile as he shrugged his shoulders. He looked towards her with a quick scowl and shook his head, not agreeing with the way she spoke about herself. “You’re not a trainwreck, Victoria, don’t say that” he grumbled, looking down at his hands as he listened to her speak. At least she wasn’t in denial, but honestly he wasn’t sure if that helped any. So she wanted to stop, but why wasn’t she reaching out to get the help she needed to do it? “But now you feel like you don’t have much to fight for…” he sighed quietly, closing his eyes, he could only scoff quietly at her next words and chuckle even though nothing was funny. “I know. I know the choices you made aren’t my fault but I also know that the reason you make them is my fault. Maybe not all mine, but some of it for sure. I know it, you know it… No point trying to deny it.”

She could feel his eyes on her but it surprised her that he seemed so calm about everything he had just found out. She had been half expecting him to get angry about it, at least. "I did want to go. More than anything," Vic murmured, thinking back to the time and almost shuddering at the thought. It had been bad when she'd found out about the text. She remembered breaking down to Rose and coming clean about everything and then...everything had only gone downhill from there. "I didn't text back because I figured you would've already gotten a new number and all by then."

A sad smile found its way to Vic's lips as Jett talked about Johanna. She missed her. She really, really missed her. Johanna had been the reason she had gotten her life back together after college and now that her daughter was gone, there was this gaping hole in her life that she could only fill with one thing. "She sounds amazing," she whispered, her hands clasping together tightly in her lap. "I miss her," she admitted out loud for the first time since Jett had left. She had never been able to bring herself to say it before but she had always been able to open up more around Jett. That was just how it went. She smiled a little more when Jett mentioned how clever their daughter was and she couldn't help but roll her eyes. "Well, I think having a genius as a father probably contributed towards that. Massively," she grinned, unable to deny that talking about Johanna made her feel better even though it made her sad at the same time. It was bittersweet. Her smile faltered when Jett disagreed with what she had said about being a trainwreck and she shook her head. "Yes, I am. I know I am," she murmured with a frown. It was almost funny how much her life has changed over the last year. For the most part, a lot of things were the same but it felt like a lot had changed and it was terrifying to think about. She was surprised she hasn't dropped dead yet with how reckless she had been. She nodded, silently agreeing with Jett when he finished her sentence. "Something like that," she spoke quietly, shaking her head with a deep frown when Jett still seemed to blame himself. Determined to show him that what had happened had nothing to do with him, she twisted on the bench so that she was fully facing him. "Do you know why I started doing all of this shit in the first place? Y'know...back at college, when it all started? It was because I kept having night terrors. Like...serious mental freak outs about the attack. It was scary. And it wasn't like I could go to a therapist and tell them I'd been bitten by a vampire and it had fucked me up because I'd be in a straitjacket right now, so..." She let the sentence die, shrugging. "I became addicted because drugs made everything stop, and because I was addicted I didn't just need to take stuff to make some nightmares go away. I needed it just because my brain was used to it," She drew in a breath and let it out slowly, realising this was the first time she was talking about this properly with anybody. "Then I got pregnant and I knew I needed to start taking care of myself. Not for me, but for her. So I went on a total detox and, trust me, cold turkey and morning sickness together is not fun but...I did it because I needed to get better for our child. And then she was born but even though I wasn't keeping her, I knew I couldn't just go back to the way I was so I kept seeing her and I visited her as much as I could because she...well, she literally saved me. I couldn't just forget about her and I mean...she was part of you too so I couldn't just cut her out of my life completely." She chewed her lip, still looking at Jett with a sincere look. "Even when I came home and you found out and said you were going to leave with her, I didn't think about turning to drugs. I mean, I thought about it because I'm a freaking addict so I would think about it all the time but...that wasn't why I started doing drugs again," she paused, dreading telling him the real reason because it was something she hadn't mentioned to anybody yet. "You know Kol, right? Well, I... I saw him kill somebody and we ended up making a deal. After what happened to me, I couldn't let him go around draining people because it...it fucks people up. So we made a deal. He would stop feeding on people and killing them for no reason if I became his personal blood bank. And, um, that brought back all the nightmares and stuff, so..." She looked down, her voice quiet as she spoke. "That's why I fell off the wagon again. And then things just kept getting worse and I was already going downhill so I just kept going and now here I am. So...no. This wasn't because of you. I was already a mess before you left, I just knew how to hide it." She looked up at him again, offering a tiny smile that wasn't exactly a happy one. "None of this was because of you. I promise."

#this got sooooooo long omg

rocky-lockwood:

Jett flicked the cig away and slipped out of his jacket, puffing out a breath. Why did he feel so flushed? Was it warm, or was he just nervous? Nah, he didn’t get nervous. Though, if ever there was a special circumstance, it really was this one. “You didn’t read it?” he crinkled his brows. “How come?” Jett added, curiously. All this time he thought she had seen it and chose to ignore it. What if she wanted to go with them, but it was too late by the time she read his message? No, he couldn’t think like that now, not after such a long time. Though, he couldn’t help but wonder what her decision would have been if she had seen the text when he sent it. Maybe things would be a lot different than they were. Jett didn’t dislike his life, he quite enjoyed it actually, but it was no secret it would be better if he had Vic by his side. Better for him and the baby, really. It made him sad to think how things turned out.

Jett nodded slightly as he leaned forward, resting his arms on his legs as he kept his gaze forward. He knew seeing her would be hard, but he didn’t realize how difficult it would be to just look at her without feeling guilty for everything he’d done. “Mom…” he said. “Her first word. – Mom. Well actually it sounds more like mam but.. same thing” he clasped his hands together as he glanced towards her. “I um.. talk about you to her. A lot actually so I guess she picked up the word…” Jett’s voice lowered as his face scrunched up, unsure how she would react to that fact. Though he didn’t let his face crack, it killed him to see her this way. He did that to her, he must have. She was able to visit Johanna before he took her and perhaps that was the only thing holding her together. He sucked in a breath and looked away as his eyes saddened. Knowing he had broke her heart wasn’t something that he would ever forgive himself for. “I see.” Jett nodded when she confirmed what he already figured. “Still beautiful though..” he added, lifting his eyes up. “Sorry that just– slipped out” he frowned, sitting up straight and giving her a small head shake. “I’m not going to lecture you, Vicky. I mean, if I thought it would do any good I might but let’s face it, I’m not your voice of reason anymore am I” he half smiled, though it was clearly forced. “I’m just sorry, even if you’re not. I wanted better for you.”

From the corner of her eye, she saw him move and her head turned a fraction so she could see what he was doing. Part of her was scared that he going to get up and walk away so she watched him like a hawk and relaxed a little when she saw that he was only taking his jacket off. "I read it. I just... I didn't remember reading it..." She paused, letting the words hang in the air for a moment so he could try to decipher what she was trying to say. She was telling him the truth without saying it directly. "Then I saw it again a few days later and it was too late." She looked away, her lips pressing together tightly. "I know it's a little too late now but...I would've left with you. But I fucked up. Again." She let out a humourless breath of laughter after she spoke, shaking her head and closing her eyes, her expression showing that she was still pissed with herself even a year later.

Vic's head snapped to the side and she stared at him with wide eyes, finally feeling that ache in her chest that she'd been pushing away for so long. "Mom? That- That was her first word?" Her eyes welled up as she thought about it and it hurt even more to know that Johanna probably didn't even know who 'mom' was, despite Jett talking about her. She let out a shaky breath, biting her lip as she looked away again. "She probably doesn't remember me." Vic whispered, closing her eyes so she could hold back tears. She could feel herself getting worked up and it was around this time she needed to have another fix of...well, anything. She let out a slow breath, opening her eyes again and trying to hold it together. It was pointless though. He already knew how much of a mess she was. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. She didn't want to see his reaction to what he had just found out. A saddened smile appeared on her face when he called her beautiful and she shook her head slowly. "Trust you to still see beauty in a trainwreck," she said quietly. She listened to him talk, staying silent as she mulled over her thoughts. It was almost funny, really, how she had received lecture after lecture from those who loved her and she hadn't listened to a word they'd said, but Jett wasn't lecturing her at all and she was already considering turning her life around. "I don't want this," she finally said after a long moment of silence. "I know I have a problem. I know. I just... I can't stop." Vic admitted, still doing everything in her power to stop herself from looking at him. "I've tried to stop but I couldn't do it. Last time I did it because I was pregnant and I...I was doing it for Johanna but now-" She cut off quickly, shaking her head and looking skyward so she wouldn't start to cry. She took a moment to calm down then slowly turned her head to look over at Jett. "You're blaming yourself. I know you are. I know you too well so I know what's going on in your head right now." She gave a small smile. "You're not responsible for the choices I make, Jett. You have to know that. So whatever it is you're thinking right now? Stop it."

#this is so painful

rocky-lockwood

Taking the cig from her, he pulled out his lighter and sparked it up. He didn’t really smoke anymore, but honestly it was more of a comfort thing right now. He smiled down at the ground, blowing out his smoke. “Yeah well, I almost didn’t leave the letter. I mean, I waited where I said I would in the text and when you didn’t show, I wasn’t sure if I should leave it or not but…” he shrugged. Jett turned his head towards her, studying how easy that comment slipped from her lips. “Yeah, I guess not” he narrowed his eyes a little. There it was again. That nagging in his head that something wasn’t right. That smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m gonna take a pass on calling the cops though, I think teaming with the feds is still a little far fetched for me. I reckon my dad will want to take the lead. I’ll just point him in the right direction and then I don’t want to hear any more about it. Long as Erin’s safe, I’ll leave it to him.” Jett babbled a little, scoffing quietly at just how weird it was to hear himself talk about stepping away from a fight. Not just that, but not jumping at the chance to smash them in for taking his sister.

The Lockwood turned his head towards her again, breathing in quietly. “Fine. - I mean, the first week was rough but she settled pretty quick after that.” His voice was quiet, whilst his mouth was speaking his eyes were looking her up and down trying to figure out what she was feeling. Why did she seem so reserved? Not that he could blame her for it if she was. “She’s very bubbly, always full of smiles and she’s bright too.. clever, I mean.. you know, for her age.” Jett thinned his lips as he stumbled over his words. After a few moments, without even thinking first, he lifted his hand up to turn her face towards him, looking her in the eyes. As the realization hit him, he let go and just stared at her. Did she choose drugs over him and their baby? Or did she turn to drugs because of him and their baby leaving? Did he do this to her? .. Stupid question, of course he did. Not that he was excusing her. “Did I catch you on a bad day or is this just you all the time now?”

Vic’s lips pursed as she thought about the text he’d sent before he left. It had taken her a few days to actually read the text and she remembered opening it like it had happened only yesterday. She had begun her downward spiral before Jett had sent that text but ultimately it was the realisation that she could’ve left town with the two people she loved most but had been stupid enough to miss her chance that sent her tipping over the edge. “I didn’t show because I didn't get the text right away. I mean, it came through but I didn’t read until a few days later.” She didn’t want to explain that she had been high when she’s first read the text and couldn’t actually remember ever seeing it. He would probably hate her if she came clean about that one. She listened to him talk about walking away from a fight. He seemed to be making the sensible decision for once and it was a complete turnaround from where he had been a year ago. Good, she thought. It was good. “That’s probably a better option.”

“Oh.” She nodded once, looking down at the ground. It used to hurt to think about how well Johanna was doing. Used to kill her, really. She would sometimes wonder when she’d taken her first steps or said her first word or had her first tooth grow in. Thinking about all the firsts she would miss and all of the other little things that would happen day by day…it used to ruin her. But now? Now she just constantly felt numb. Calm, even. Like the world could end right now and she wouldn’t give a damn. “That’s good.” She couldn’t bring herself to say anything more because if she started to think about it, things would go from bad to worse. Best just to stay reserved and quiet, she thought. As soon as she felt Jett turn her face to look at him, she knew she was screwed. These days, it was clear to see when she was high because she didn’t take as much care in hiding it like she used to. A lot had changed over the past year. She had moved out of her dad’s place and barely spoke to her family because she knew they would try to ship her off to rehab or make her go cold turkey. But worst of all, she was barely even a ghost of who she used to be. She had fallen back into her old ways so easily that it should’ve scared her as much as it scared the people around her but she couldn’t find the energy to care. She kept her eyes on Jett’s, not bothering to try and hide how out of it she was and when he let go of her, she watched him for a little while longer before looking straight ahead again, a heavy sigh passing her lips. “Yeah, this is pretty much me all the time.” She admitted, absentmindedly reaching to rub at the crook of her elbow through her jacket as she spoke. “You can save the lecture, though. Believe me, I’ve already heard it a thousand times.”

rocky-lockwood:

Jett tucked his hands into his jacket pockets, head down as he exited the Grill. It was weird to be back, especially after he had left so abruptly, assuring his family that they wouldn’t be hearing from him again. Though he left Vic a letter, never did he expect her to decode it. The fact she did meant she was in a vulnerable state when she managed to do it, how could he not come home? His sister was missing. Johanna was his family now, but that wasn’t to say he would abandon his siblings. Not really, not ever. He walked down the path, lifting his head up just to glance around. When he saw the familiar blonde, his head dropped instantly and he kept walking till he was out of sight. “fuck” he mumbled to himself, rubbing at his eyes. It took him a couple minutes, but finally he put on his brave face and appeared behind her. “I don’t suppose you have one to spare?” Jett called, knowing she wouldn’t need to turn around to know who the voice was. He jumped on the bench and climbed over, sitting himself a small distance next to her, still avoiding eye contact. He breathed in, feeling like he needed to just quickly get it off his chest. “Thank you. - You know, for figuring out my letter and calling me. I’ve already got a lead on Erin, she should be found and home before the day is up. Guess the big question is what do I do with the shit heads who took her? Letting them go ain’t my style but… Lately I’m not sure if smashing them in is my style either.” Jett spoke as if it was normal for them, like he had never been away and none of the shit between them had happened. Mainly because he wasn’t sure what else to do, though he knew he probably wasn’t helping matters. He did disappear with their child after all. Tore her from a happy home and moved her across country and why? Because he was selfish, he wanted her for himself… and the worst part? He didn’t regret it. “I mean, I could always just feed them to the wolves, I guess. Plenty of those around, right? Just gotta be around for a full moon. Still works like that, yeah?” he joked

The second she heard Jett’s voice behind her, she closed her eyes and wished she was just imagining it. “Shit…” She whispered almost inaudibly, reaching into her pocket for her pack of cigarettes and holding them out to him without looking at him once he had sat down beside her. She tried to seem like she wasn’t too bothered by his presence but in reality she wanted to ground to swallow her up. Vic’s lips pressed together as he spoke and she nodded slowly, looking down at her hands in her lap. Part of her wanted to tell him to go fuck himself because she was still seething over the fact that he has left. But the part of her that just wanted to stay civil and keep the peace was winning over, so she shrugged and looked up, still trying hard not to look directly at him. “Don’t thank me. I know what you’re like so I figured you’d have left something somewhere, so..” She trailed off, risking a glance at him before looking away again. She nodded, looking relieved when he told her about the lead on Erin. Although she tried to avoid the Lockwoods like the plague these days, they were still family to her. Family that she loved and had been desperate to help the second she found out about Erin going missing. “That’s good to hear.” She sounded genuine, knowing that if anybody would have been able to find her, it was Jett. “You should probably just call the cops. Get the sheriff in on it. You’re a respectable parent now; you can’t really smash people’s faces open anymore.” Although it usually would’ve hurt her to offhandedly make a comment like that, this time it didn’t bother because she was filled up to her eyes in whatever recreational crap she had decided to use that day. To show she wasn’t trying to be snarky with the comment, she turned and smiled at him. Her smile grew a little as he spoke about wolves and she nodded, turning to look ahead again. “Still works like that, unfortunately. But feeding them to wolves would technically be killing them and then you’d be screwed.” She joked, leaning back against the bench and tilting her head back to look up at the sky. Ever since she had managed to decode the letter and had heard his voice on the phone, she’d been dying to know how their daughter was. She couldn’t bring herself to ask to see her since she was as far from being in the right state as someone could possibly get, but just knowing that Johanna was doing okay and that she was adapting well to her new life with Jett was enough for her. She paused for a while, still staring up at the sky as she lowered her voice to an almost nervous murmur. “How is she?” She didn’t clarify who ‘she’ was but she was certain he would know.

Sitting on a park bench across the town square, Vic watched Jett as he left the Grill, hoping she would somehow remain unnoticed by him. Since he’d come back to town after leaving for so long, she had made it her main goal to avoid him at all costs. Especially now that she had fallen back into some awful habits that we’re getting harder and harder to shake. He didn’t need to know about it and as long as she kept her distance, he wouldn’t find out about it. She took a drag of the cigarette she’d almost forgotten about, most of it being burned out by now because she’d been too busy watching Jett for so long, and she flicked the butt away as she blew the smoke from her mouth slowly. Her eyes followed Jett as he walked and she sank back against the bench, hoping he wouldn't see her.