@theamazingalicat - Tumblr Blog

When I first started thinking about it I thought that self-acceptance and self-respect were pretty much the same thing but the more I thought about it the more I kind of realized that it's really different I truly believe that you can accept yourself but to respect yourself is a completely other thing

#beauty

I want to hurt myself

im bored

iv achieved so much lately

yet it doesnt fill this void im feeling

its gotta be okay for me to be sad right now

im going through a lot of changes

I just hope ill feel better soon

im sad

and i dont know why really

I was thinking about my moms side of the family and it made me cry

spending time with brian made me sad

im so confused

i want to feel this pain

christmas night was nice I really enjoyed him just being there...’

cuddling on the couch

confiding in him

we spoke to my grandma and aunt about our concerns

he told me what his dad said and how both of our dads are fucked up

is it misery loves company or love?

being in bed with him was nice

kissing was nice but not intimate

Why i feel like hes should be enough

No one loves me like he does... unconditionally

We started dating young

We had no money

His dad would drill into us saying we need to surround ourself with rich friends

Everything was about money and status

we hated this way of thinking

It made us feel lile we wernt enough

Our friends wernt enough

So we made it a thing to never be like that

I often look back and fantisize about doing it all over again because I hate that this is my story and this is my life.

But I cant change that now... I have to either change my life or learn to love and accept it.

For me theres not much diffrence if i was single or not. I am able to give myself everything a partner can.

How long do you enable someone before you can walk away?

I

But when i think of marriage I think of the words for better or worse so i must love him at my worst if I'm considering marrying him

Hes knows me for better or for worse

I can fart, walk around naked, kiss him with no make up on...hes seen me having panic attacks and freak outs.hes seen me motived and kicking lifes ass hes seen me go through greif and loss and fails.

When getting this job I was so hopeful and happy like this could change my life

Part of me did consider that I could learn as much as possible ,and if need be, take that with me to a new job doing the same thing and being single or moving on with Evan at the time. But another part of me belived & saw the future with Brian I was extremely happy with where I was and who I was with. But then not even 3-4 weeks of having the job i still feel sad from time to time. I feel stuck still when not to long ago I felt so free. I keep imagining things will change and they are but not at the pace id like them to and that seems be a my life.

Little things bug me and eat at me and I am trying to learn to accept it for what it is. For example he doesn't talk to any of my family at events. He doesn't try to change his day to day routine.

I have always felt the need to match his energy like if hes gaming i should be gaming. Iv always been the motivator like hey lets clean hey lets work out. Or when we did real estate i always wanted to door knock do ,open houses, Go to classes.

Why do i feel the need to have a partner that lives the samelife style as me or different life style than him? One that cares about his health and my health and a man that is at a point in their life to help better me and him at the same time. I want to be taken care of...

My mom told me that I should marry my best friend and thats all iv been looking for in a partner. I dont consider being a provider as part of my requirments in a partner I dont like the word provider. It sounds like someone who take care of me and yes i do deep down want someone to take care of me but I also want to help them and have a parntnership like a friendship.

If it was as simple as leaving I would have done that but like i have alot of emotional ties...

I truly feel this is something i just have to live with and I need to learn how to cope with...

And I care about him I dont want to turn my back on him if he's going through a tough time...

And i also feel scared I'm going to make the wrong choice...

This reminds me of dwayne and justin

I left my bff dwayne for Justin my love interest and dirty little secret

How can I love someone so much yet consider leaving them?

Im meeting my basic needs

I have a house 🏠 food 🍳

Friends and Family 👪

I have someone I can confide in and be myself around someone i can see myself growing old with and sharing my life with

But then I second guess if it's worth it

Is it worth the stress...how much more can I take of this before it gets better

Sometimes it feels like a ticking time bomb other times it feel just right

I trying to work this out ...if this is where I want to be ...my initial thought is yes I can be happy with my situation but I wonder if my subconscious is telling me otherwise.

I just feel confused and I'm not sure how to approach this.