The Ambiguous Chrysalis

brown tobairitz.curator of nuance. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

[theambiguouschrysalis]

And what have we ever done but be crushed under the weight of the need for one another and appalled and bewildered by efforts to manage that hunger. Im sorry you met me and im sorry i met you cuz this depth is honestly a burden and more than i bargained for or ever could barter which makes it priceless. Which means i should keep it. Close. Which means i expect to be (uncomfortably, but its ok we'll hold hands we still haven't come down, we'll stay. we'll stay) close.

this is a personal text but you make my heart turn to verse and i had forgotten that

[theambiguouschrysalis]

I miss writing.

[waryear]

I’ll drop in where I please From the ninth floor, with new trucks on the deck A tattered Led Zeppelin tee was the only thing I owned with wings on it She’ll think it’s cool, I hope But wait, she can’t see me yet If she could, she would see me trembling with fear It’s not the fall That’s my favorite part What if I’m wrong? What if this doesn’t work? What if she never sees? I’m dazed and confused but a tattered Led Zeppelin tee was the only thing I owned with wings on it I stand on the edge somewhere between ready and willing I can see her from here Aphrodite Venus De Milo Blaze Fielding She makes me sweat and I like it Warrior poet muse You make it so hard to clear my head and focus on what’s about to happen If this was Neverland all I would have to do is think a happy thought But, a tattered Led Zeppelin tee was the only thing I had with wings on it Looks good with these Vans. I painted them She’ll think they’re cool, I hope But I still haven’t caught her attention I’ll drop in now I can see my house from here Wait, I haven’t lived there for years It makes no difference, I’m never going back This really is my favorite part Holding my breath as the air tries to force its way in Wind in my eyes but I still see her and nothing can stop heavenly gaze This seems like my only chance Feels like I’ve been falling for…nevermind Wheels hit the plywood and up close I can see the stairway to heaven is scuffed from the last thrasher It makes no difference, I’m never looking back Down one side and up the other Hoping my legs are strong enough to hold me It goes by so fast Already time to fly This tattered Led Zeppelin tee is the only thing I own with wings on it Did she see? Was she watching? Where’d she go? I guess she’s not into skaters Fuck

(untitled)/NOT WRITTEN BY ME (via anadamantiumblossom)

a friend wrote this for me and now I am gonna fucking write again!!!

(via theambiguouschrysalis)

[theambiguouschrysalis]

I am a sack of troubles, past film clips that I squeezed my eyes shut through. this is not quite burlap but perforated net. mindful, lest I spill over onto other skin. provoke a wince, that courts apology but I am defiant in my toxicity. Lilith undercurrent. one side is dark, but it has never been clearly marked.

(untitled)

[theambiguouschrysalis]

how cruel: two eyes, one mouth. two lungs, one heart.

exactly how many purple kisses still exist

[theambiguouschrysalis]

when the time came again for her to sleep in sharp places, she slid her own warm palm open under her neck. in her head she stood tiptoe to kiss him. train tracks beckoned under morning sky's scant pallette. he smiled, "no, you be little." at both instances she drifted.

(while lime green)

[theambiguouschrysalis]

we could be all we need.

verbena candlelight. grenadine lingering at the bottom of glasses. smoke from your lips climbing the pinprick of light shining on the wall. I asked if I could come back; my hands were already unpacking at the mole on your clavicle they had abandoned months ago.

[theambiguouschrysalis]

be each of these things every day without fear

a tea rose opens

[theambiguouschrysalis]

those malevolent sandcastles I’ve built. painting your intentions over with mud. so that I may find a doorhandle. I wait I want your hand to clear the board. curl around my hip, and stay. so that I can stay. those windows are liars but the pelt of rain sounds like salve to the fire you keep kindled under my left breast.

wriggle/baby daddy/babydaddy

[theambiguouschrysalis]

when the moon is full my heart will awaken and reach out for safety. and where will it find itself? then? yellowing at the edges. a deciduous Autumn sacrifice en masse, each descent marked by branches that howl under bat wings in the night air. weren't we? that one time? watching for deer  and in awe of that traveling east through topmost tree territories  mist? waiting for each others' mouths  to arrive through the silence. that wasn't the night that we saw deer, though.

the desperation of coniferous/building another kingdom of silences

[theambiguouschrysalis]

ive been away, fixing the part of myself that needs to believe in "forever".

[theambiguouschrysalis]

make me beg for another finger.

lace at the gate

[theambiguouschrysalis]

memory is an internal rumor.

Stephen King

[theambiguouschrysalis]

forthwith, I will feed my heart only the fat of other men's flesh.

pledge/loyalty

[theambiguouschrysalis]

you have no idea the lengths I travel to marginalize/deny your existence. you will not rise from the dead in conversation or any other medium that would pierce my pores with wistful. if I have to in this direction until you turn away then so be it. I will puff up my cheeks to spread the dust of your audacity with a kamikaze inhale.

tears turn it to mud tears turn it to mud I'd cut my own fingers off first.

[theambiguouschrysalis]

not long before the yahoo messenger loops (that caused me to dream in purple and lured me to climax alone in a rocking chair), there were the emails in Spanish. I remember them well now. I had to translate, flustered, then reply in likeness. photographs always captured your standoffishness; I wanted to wiggle my way in. now I'm here. in an empty hall. all the portraits I can see on the wall are of us: courtyard and such. but many more, innumerable, are cloaked in black cloth. some you hurried past, some you gave pause. I said that a grudge would finally unlock for me the deepest chamber of your heart. desperate, damning inevitability. I have hunted too far into the forest; now your embrace seems frail. I know that you share with me many things; among them are fracture and fear. we trembled together; I thought it symbiosis. somnolent clarity is the knowledge of complement, gentle contrast. we weren't opposites but the same side of the same coin. what change doesn't come in bills now I leave on the counter. I am ashamed to hold nickels and the like inside my palm. I am ashamed to know that you would break embracing me fully. I pull away. to save you. I have already saved myself. there is only one who stands in the hall now. the painter. the curator. the enigma. I pray for white Hondas but too much manna fell. I wish I was the last in the gallery. so I could lock the doors behind me. no more visitors, no more admirers. these paintings are all marked 'not for sale'.

untitled/too personal for permanence

[theambiguouschrysalis]

compadre tu sabes tu sabes como estar te quiero make a home pitch a tent in my imagination. don't worry about the marshmallows. let them burn then extinguish. I am the soft softest sugar.

azucar/Windsor Canadian light rail corkscrew 2