a pocketful of words

just a hippie using words to figure out life

[theandrogynoushippie]

This chapter - alone

I was hoping I was wrong about you. I was hoping that the thing I dreaded most would not play out. I dreaded being alone and without you. I envisioned something different. And now I will start this chapter, alone.

[theandrogynoushippie]

I was doing okay maintaining this life. Things were finally looking up. I actually was feeling more confident, more positive, a bit like I could conquer the world. And then you called.

I knew I never should answer calls from anyone that didn't have a contact name saved. But I did. And when I heard your voice, my stomach dropped. I just felt sick. Because after all this time, I have not felt feelings of abandonment like I usually do. I felt normal. But today, your call disrupted my peace. It wasn't anything in particular thing you said but the welfare check after all of the years of being a disappearing act didn't seem real. It felt fake. It felt forced and worst of all, it made those feelings from years ago come rushing back.

I had made it without you and.. now you suddenly cared about me? Cut me a break! Today was gossip. It was a stroke to your ego. It made you feel like you deserve a card in June after all. Whew. You're something else.

It is crazy to think you have a habit of checking in with everyone but me. Did I embarrass you when I lived my life unapologetically? Did I diminish your already non-existing character when I made no effort to need you ever? What did I possibly do to deserve years worth of neglect?

It's you that makes me so angry. Even if you are trying to right your wrongs, a simple apology has never rolled off your tongue. And still I tend to forgive you for every apology you dare not say. I just can't seem to forget the feelings you left me with after all of these years.

I just can't seem to forget how everyone else that shares your blood gets a piece of you but I get nothing.

[theandrogynoushippie]

Sleeping aloud or Awake?

Ya know? When I notice I am insecure about something, I can quickly call it out. Like complete awareness that I am feeling it.

But what if I feel it all the time? What if I didn't realize that these feelings I wear on me all the time? Almost like a garment. I know you are supposed to embrace your shortcomings but this doesn't seem like something I should actively and consciously be doing. It's like this little voice inside of me saying, "Chill" or "Relax!" but I just can't sometimes.

It's all related to a past trauma and not properly healing. Though I proclaim I am healed and moved on.. I just reel myself back into this pit of overthinking, anxiety, shame, and guilt. I am afraid of the unknowing and instead of letting things pan out as they will.. I have this urge to find the answers on my own. And those that hurt me go on to leave these guilt free lives, coming and going as they please. Walking over me and my feelings. To my friends, I advocate for standing up for yourself and cutting ties with those that don't understand your worth. But me? Do I not know my worth? Or do I too tolerate the abuse of those around me? Can I call it abuse? Maybe it's not abuse but instead.. a power play.

It's me overthinking again. Or is it not? Is this my path to completely freeing myself from those around me that use these insecurities to master the game? Maybe it's not overthinking at all, maybe its really what awake means. Feeling, hearing, and listening to the things inside of you. I don't know but whatever is happening, I'd like to understand.

[theandrogynoushippie]

keeping it bottled...

I wish I could call and tell you the things I can't seem to bare. I looked up some of the habits I have about struggling to get out of bed.. Looks like it could be depression. And it made me think of the times I stood in the shower and cried for no reason. Or the many times, I woke up angry for no reason at all.

I just feel unwanted. I feel lost. I feel out of place and most of all I feel, alone. It's nothing new. I just go through the emotions pretending that life has granted me a rush of happiness and opportunity. When in honesty, I feel trapped.

[theandrogynoushippie]

Falling Apart

I really think some people believe falling apart is always a bad thing. At least, right now, it feels pretty bad. It feels like I am falling apart week by week. I keep a smile on my face because I am not sure if people know how to be there for me if I didn't. Honestly, I don't even think they'd notice how lonely and sad I feel. It's definitely not something they'd be use to because I use laughter and my playfulness to shield the world from the trauma. It's such a toxic thing to do especially when you're battling the new you and the old you.

I just feel overwhelmed sometimes. It feels like I don't have the space or time to fall apart because life doesn't stop. The bills, the goals, the world, won't slow up because you feel out of place. I try not to project these feelings on loved ones. But sometimes I have to distance myself to actually prevent the projections. And then that distance.. it makes me feel more lonely. It's amazing how the strong friend checks on everyone even when they distance themselves.. but me? I'd be lucky if my phone rang today and it wasn't about my "car's extended warranty." See what I did there? I do that all the time. And quite frankly I think I am tired of this facade. I don't really know how to function without it. And I don't know if I ever will.

But tomorrow is a new day and just maybe some things will fall into place after all. I really could be wishing for a lot or maybe not wishing enough.

[theandrogynoushippie]

Wants vs. Needs

I finally had the courage to pursue a career full-time. Thing is, it's commission based and typically has a slow start-up. I've been giving it my all all while trying to stay encouraged. It's a tough job. It's a tough mindset to keep. I am blessed to say the least but sometimes my heart wonders if I can keep living on the bare minimum until my career takes off. I wonder if people think like this often. If they feel like they have to sacrifice things they usually tend to have and keep to just make it ahead in life. It brings me to tears sometimes and I try not to wallow in this pity... It's a tough job.

I feel like I lost myself and I keep telling myself its glass half full not empty. I didn't lose myself, I've gained so much more. I've gained the confidence to keep going and to achieve so much more than my predecessors. I try to be thankful for the opportunity to not work a typical 9-5. It's a tough job.. I find myself scrolling through open positions just to see what is out there. Sometimes the old me thinks, maybe I should just use a job as a safety net until things settle out for me. But I am determined to make the most of this opportunity and not use the toxicity I once subjected myself by working a job as a security blanket. Such a tough job.

[theandrogynoushippie]

experiencing something bigger than myself, my issues, my regrets. sometimes, getting lost in a big city isn’t as bad as it seems.

[theandrogynoushippie]

freedom

in a constant search of a place to be myself and express my feelings. feeling lost in a world full of chaos and the only resolve is the formation of these words on my keyboard.