‘I had to create a sensation’, gasped the rocket...
It’s empty and superficial and should bring me no real joy, but fuck me I want it bad.
It’s less about fame and more about the immortality that comes with it. We have manufactured it so efficiently almost anyone can attain it. It’s cheap and shiny and quite possibly just a side effect of my being part of this generation.
I hate it because it means I can’t trust my heart that says “you’re special”...I try not to be, but it doesn’t work. I must develop an ego so it can be dismantled. It’s a step I have avoided because fuck me if everyone doesn’t hate the chick who thinks she’s top shelf shit. I can’t wait to be hated.
I need the confidence to ride in and accept my place in the sun, but I know how poisonous it is. How bitter it can turn the blood of those who are not worthy. How it can blind fools and destroy the soul. Still I need to know how close I can get to the sun...not just imagine it.
There is so much work needed to protect it though, to toughen it up and to see how pathetic you are in the grand scheme of things and still have the balls to make that ill fated flight.
It is loneliness and dramatic shifts of crippling doubt and blind confidence. It is making peace with all you are willing to sacrifice to obtain what you seek even though you know it will destroy you.
I have love and family and stability all the things that should fill my soul with joy and I don’t have it. I will choose the wax and feathers and will gladly burn up in the suns rays, but only if I can fly higher than anyone else because otherwise, what is the point?
To overcome our fears we must face them, but how do I face down mediocrity? It is my biggest fear next to obscurity and mortality. How do I become okay with just being okay when the very thought repulses me.
I am loved deeply by over a dozen people, true deep love people only dream about, but it is not enough. I want the cheap stuff, the empty friends and fan girls who write fan fiction about me. I want a big empty mansion with an assistant that I pay to hang around me as the closest human contact. Why am I like this? What is wrong with me?
I am speaking my truth, from my soul and it is all wrong. I want my art to be iconic...to last longer than I ever will. I want to be god and I don’t want to have to apologize for wanting that.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
vaporwave
areudirty
dailybridgerton
gummygunk
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
kianamaiart
titsay
