The Things We Hide

Faye Gregorio's blog of shitty erotic poetry with a mix of angst and love.

[theartinchaos]

Paano kung hindi ka na masaya?

[theartinchaos]

So here is a rough draft (unedited) of what I wrote last 2018, back in college, when we were required to perform a spoken word poetry in our English class. Here’s to all the people stuck in someone’s mid-chapter. You deserve to be the whole book.

[theartinchaos]

[theartinchaos]

The world may have a series of blurs, a million colours, and a thousand shores, but I know I’ll never find any hand that would fit mine as perfectly as yours.

[theartinchaos]

To Jayson,

I’m writing you this because I can’t sleep and I can’t get you out of my mind.

Back then, all I wanted was to have someone to look after me, someone I can tell how my day went, and someone I could trust. Eventually, you came and not only you became that someone but you also filled in a huge void in my heart I didn’t even know existed. For that, I will forever be grateful.

I can’t help but think that maybe, if I have met you a little earlier, my life would’ve been so much different. But then I realized that going through a painful heartbreak has turned me into a better person to be a match for a wonderful man like you. Now I know why it didn’t work with anybody else.

We are not perfect. Both of us have flaws that we’ve learned to accept and grown to love. And I think that’s what makes us a great couple. I just want to remind you that change will be inevitable as years go by but I will still love the Jayson in 2035 the same way I loved the Jayson that I met on Twitter back in 2015.

Thank you for being patient, for loving me even on those times that it’s hard to. You gave me a reason to believe that love is never selfish. For all those times I thought about giving up, you stood by my side and reminded me to keep going. And so I promise that for the next 80 years, if we ever make it, I’m going to do the same.

And by the way, I’m going to steal your last name.

———————–

I wrote this months ago but I still can’t sleep because I can’t get you out of my mind.

I love you, Jayson.

[theartinchaos]

Dapitan

Sa bawat lagok ng alak sa Tapsi

Sa bawat hithit ng yosi sa Antonio

Sa bawat halik sa tapat ng aking dormitoryo

Sa bawat gabi na pagsusulat natin ng mga tula para sa isa't isa

At sandaling panahong ika'y nakasama

Pilit na pinaniniwala ang ating mga sarili na handa nang umibig muli

Pilit na sinasagip ang isa't isa sa mga demonyong sa isipa'y namamalagi

Ngunit sa bawat lagok ng alak sa Tapsi

Sa bawat hithit ng yosi sa Antonio

At sa bawat halik sa tapat ng aking dormitoryo

Alam naman natin na hindi tayo para sa isa't isa

[theartinchaos]

he has eyes that can hold the sun, the moon, and the stars. his eyes are the galaxies, the universe and beyond. but in his eyes you will also find my heart.

[theartinchaos]

One way or another, she might have kissed you with passion; your tongues entangled and heat radiated through your bodies. She may have given you a couple of heads in the backseat of your car or in your friend’s bedroom while she was dead drunk and high. She would wake up to smeared make up, sore genitals, stale breath, and sometimes a text message from you asking if she made it home safe or asking her to just forget about what happened. But she won’t blame you for being an asshole; after all, you were just the same that night, lost souls looking for refuge.

[theartinchaos]

You’ll find someone who will fuck the brains out of you and will still manage to say “I love you” orgasm after orgasm. That someone will make you realize that you are more than just a pack of condoms.

[theartinchaos]

Coitus

My back

arched

as I writhed

in pleasure,

your lips

travelled from

the back

of my ears

to the nook

of my neck.

Your hands

caressed my

tender breasts,

our genitals

wet with desire,

making my

naked body

yearn for your

every thrust.

You held

me tight

as we both

came in ripples

and until

that moment,

I did not know

that home

can fit

right between

my legs.

— c. g.

[theartinchaos]

It has been a year since this photo was taken.

It has also been a year since the last time I’ve cut myself.

Behind those jokes, the sweet smiles I’m giving whenever we pass by each other, and the wristwatch I refuse to take off even at night time, you will see how badly I wanted my life to end. I remember the first time I cut myself. I was in fifth grade, taking a shower and my dad’s shaving razor suddenly seemed so inviting. I tried it on my thighs first. Blood came out and so did the pain. It felt good. Finally, I was feeling something other than the numbness coming from the hole in my chest. I got addicted to it. I would cut myself everytime I’m in the shower. I even used cookie cutters once so it won’t look that ugly. I would cry as my blood mixed in with water and while I sprayed air freshener to cover the faint smell of rust in the bathroom. I never wore shorts or dress to cover up the scars on my thighs. This went on for years, until one night, I woke up to the sound of my mom’s sniffling. She finally found out when she removed my wristwatch while I was asleep. Her tears kept on falling as she applied Betadine on the thin lines across my wrist. At that moment, I felt so selfish.

I finally had the courage to seek help and my parents were very supportive during those times. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression and then Bipolar II Disorder. I took medications for six months and then underwent psychotherapy for almost a year. I got better eventually but I know that the demons inside me will never leave and so is the constant fear of my mom that I would try to kill myself again. Like one time, I was on my way to school when my mom called. Apparently, one of our kitchen knives is missing and she thought I brought it with me. I said no and she still begged me not to hurt myself. The knife was found inside the pantry later on. It was a difficult time for me, like a drug addict on a rehab. Everything that is sharp appeared so tempting and that includes the lid of a can.

Did I want to die? Yes. I probably thought of a hundred ways to end my life. But there were people who held me back, who kept me from falling off the ledge. I still hear some who says I’m weak and that I was “babied” by my parents too much but hell, I’ve been strong for too long. I won’t even ask them to walk a mile on our shoes because I doubt they’ll be able survive it. Mental illness is no joke and is not to be taken lightly.

This post is dedicated for survivors like me. This is for the people who chose to live even if there’s nothing to live for anymore. This is for those who constantly judge us.

I promise this would be the last.

Support the passing of the Mental Health Act. Sign the petition now: http://bit.ly/2dChrF6 — F

[theartinchaos]

“I gave you nineteen roses to symbolize your nineteen years of existence. Eighteen red roses for the years I’ve missed and a white rose for the year we’ve spent together.” —

And I’ve never been at my happiest until you came, love.

[theartinchaos]

Epilogue

2016 had been a year of recovery and coping up after I messed up my life big time last 2015. I struggled to get back on track and fortunately, I did.

With all the fucks I gave and didn’t give this year, I want to thank those people who made my 2016 a year worth remembering:

To my original blockmates, I miss you a lot. Thank you for remembering me once in a while, for still greeting me when we see each other along the corridors, and for talking to me whenever you can. I wish you all luck!

To my hoes, you’re one of the reasons why I enjoy college life. Thank you for being my constant company in school and for the laughs. More chillnuman and landinuman to come this year! Love you fam!

To my summer class blockmates, I am so glad to have spent time with you. Thank you for the smiles and for the motivation that we will all make it to graduation (just a little bit later but we’ll get there). See you around!

To my new blockmates, especially the Bio students in 3B1 & 3B2 and our seniors in 4P1. Thank you for accepting me as one of your own, for answering my queries and for your reminders whenever an announcement is made so I won’t be left out. You took a huge chunk of my year and I’m really happy I have made good friends with some of you. I would love to be in your class again but I have to stick with Psych. I’ll see you in med school, hopefully!

To new friends I’ve made this year, (hi NU peeps!) thank you for the Batangas adventures and for the drinking sesh! I never felt out of place with you. Thank you for being good friends to Jayson and for keeping him company at school. Stay balagbag!

To those people I’ve met through org, hi! We may not talk often but I’m happy I met new people coming from different colleges. It was fun hearing your stories about your respective programs.

To my professors, I failed a total of 12 units last semester but you believed that I can still make it. Thank you for guiding us and for giving words of encouragement to our class. Because of that, not only did I pass the units that I’ve failed but I also got grades higher than what I actually expected. Hoping to be in your classes again next year!

To my ex and his girl, thank you because if it weren’t for the both of you, I wouldn’t have met Jayson. Though I still can’t bring myself to forgive you (since you didn’t even show any sign of remorse) I know my anger will eventually wear off. But I’m really glad things finally fell into place and we’re both happy. I also want to apologize if I’ve ever said anything that offended you but uhmmm, I think you deserve it.

To the people who tried to bring me down, THANK YOU MOFOS!! You are only constant reminders that I’m doing well which prompts me to strive harder.

To the people I’ve met and lost this year, thank you for being part of my life even just for a short while. The moment you chose to drift away, I’m glad that you’re having one less of a problem (which is me). Have a good life!

To those I’ve met in drinking sessions, I barely remember your names but I had so much fun getting drunk with you.

To my elementary and high school buddies, we’re still talking! Although we don’t get to spend that much time together, please know that I’ll always care for you and I’d still listen to your stories. And if you need me, don’t hesitate to drop me a message. See you soon fraaaands!

To all cats, meow! Thank you for being my stress reliever. I wish I get to adopt all of you but I can only handle 4. People may call you jerks but I will be your forever hooman slave. Meow!

To my parents, words can’t express how thankful I am for having you. If it weren’t for your support, I may have lost my life a year ago. You listened and helped me get my life back together. I will give you everything once I finish my studies. Here’s to more years together! I love you so much mommy and daddy! You are my everything.

To my Jayson, you made my 2016 the best year despite of it being the worst year for most people. How lucky I am to have you by my side. You are God’s gift to me after He put me to test. You are the rainbow after the storm. I love you with all my heart and I look forward to spending more years with you. I’ll try to be more patient and understanding next year, mmkay?

And lastly, I want to thank the Lord Almighty for giving me a second chance to fix everything this year. I am not worthy of Your guidance but You never failed to be by my side whenever I invoke Your presence. Thank You for all the blessings I’ve received this year. All honor and glory are Yours.

2017, I’m ready.

[theartinchaos]

How can I ask for more when you adore me even if I’m standing in the eye of the storm?

[theartinchaos]

Quixotic

On the midst of the darkest days Your heart is the greatest solace The knight of every damsel’s desire You stand as the ice to my fire

See through me, my Sirius The brightest star in the oblivion For in silence, still meritorious And never forlorn

Oh, the sweetest downfall Ensue when you collide with my soul The walls shatter But not once did you falter

The agony you soothe From the soil-choked roots Of my broken past Where the pain that once was

In your arms I flee For yours are the one that saves You are a deep sea And I’m in love with the waves

[theartinchaos]

Will I ever have a love story of my own?

That question lingered on my mind for months. For me, I was merely that girl who became a temporary refuge for his tired arms before he came back to where he belonged. I was the mid-chapter of his book, the antagonist in their love story, and that left me wondering if am I someone’s epilogue. And so I searched my lost self on different people’s lives, hoping I’ll find someone worth being an ending for.

There was a dancing artist who held me warm and soft, but given the circumstances, we can’t be together. There was a small poet who swept me off my feet with his words and idealogies, but the only thing we have in common were cigarettes and beer. There was an athlete who also happened to share my interest in science, but I know he’s no match for my asininity. I knew I was a catastrophe, so I left bringing along my demons with me.

The search went on until I got tired and decided to stop for the hell of it. After all, who am I? I wasn’t named after storms but I was born from forest fires. I can’t be saved and will never be.

But then you came and you found me and that was the start of a perfect prologue.

Turns out, I am not just an epilogue but your whole book. I am your protagonist, your conquest, the summer to your winter. From that moment on, I know the damned no longer need saving because I finally found the novel written just for me.

J, you are my author. You are my love story.

[theartinchaos]

Your lips touched mine and I drank you in like an ice cold beer my throat has been thirsting for.