Bee

tehe this is my sideblog so I’m not depressed on main https://rainy-bee.carrd.co

[theartofcrafting]

Rain (or bee!)

she/her they/them

minor

main- @theartofmining

This blog you will basically be my journal- Random thoughts, lyrics, vent posts, and probably just the random post of something mean somebody said to me scattered here and there.

[theartofcrafting]

It still hurts so bad. So So bad. So bad that sometimes I cant even cry, I just go numb. I have to stare at the wall for hours and hours until I feel enough to make me cry. I cant believe how bad it hurts. Im so mad that I have to feel all this hurt. Im so mad at all those good memories, what were they even for? What was the point? To make it all hurt worse once they were over? Its not fucking fair. I’m sorry. Im sorry. Im sorry i cant stop hurting. Im sorry I cant do this anymore. Im getting so close to falling back into bad habits that will make me feel, feel anything stronger than this hurt. And Im sorry I cant erase myself from universe cause at this point I think it would be better for everyone, right? I just want to stop feeling things. Im so tired. I cant do this anymore, I cant carry all of this by myself anymore. I just want to go.

[theartofcrafting]

just a little bit longer, please

[theartofcrafting]

i want to let go, i do. I want to just float away but its so soon why did it happen so quickly?? I dont know if i should,, maybe im just impatient but maybe Im supposed to let go? I just dont know why all of it happened so quickly Ive barely processed the beginning and now its the end.. I really really thought I could hold on longer but as always I start to drift away as soon as I get a grip

[theartofcrafting]

god my hands are so shakey this sucks I just want everything to go away

[theartofcrafting]

i know its my fault cause i dont reach out to people and ask for help or whatever but whenever Im upset I always think about how quickly I jump to help someone or comfort someone but when Im upset im just Here.

[theartofcrafting]

im so annoying maybe i should just stop talking to people forever

[theartofcrafting]

Maybe thats it. Maybe I build everyone up with such strong positivity and care that they all tower around me, caging me in with all the negativity they left behind. I cant get myself up so Im stufk at the bottom.

[theartofcrafting]

Im always so there for people to the point where it’s exhausting but Ill always continue to be there for people.. sometimes it just feels like theres nobody here for me. I build everyone up so so high that I get left all alone at the bottom

[theartofcrafting]

how do i manage to spread so much positivity to everyone but myself

[theartofcrafting]

i suddenly feel really gross and like im too annoying and too clingy and too weird and just so many thiings that people dontlike me for i dont know where this came from but it sucks and i want it to go away but i dont wanna talk to anyone about it cause thatll just make me feel even more annoying

[theartofcrafting]

haven’t had to do a dream post in awhile but if I dont post this its gonna keep bothering me so- heres last nights dream ❗️ tw for cannibalism, animal abuse, murder?

I was a news reporter going to this very secluded ranch. I was going to interview the ranchowner because he had wrongfully been a suspect in some major crime.

I went there, he wanted me to see inside of his barn but he wouldn’t let cameras come back. He was showing me all of the livestock he had when suddenly we got to the back of the barn and dhere was cows and other animals that had clearly been experimented on, he was like ripping their ears off, and they had horrible living conditions. Like horror movie type flies and maggots and stuff. The animals were basically decomposing alive. At that point i was concerned for my safety but didnt wanna make a big deal. We left the barn and went back outside, I was still alone with him though. He had upwards of 50 bodies, alive and dead. Every single one was horrible burnt to the point where they were unrecognizable as humans. Their skin had melted away. It was horrible. He claimed he was saving them. I tried to leave but he kept following me. Eventually he corned me against some wall and stood infront of me as he pulled apart this lady who was still alive and ate her. I remember her screams, and she was clearly blind but her eyes stared right into mine. I never got away from him. I was so terrified I couldnt even move, so he just left me standing there. The last thing I remember is hearing the screams of my camera crew and the woman screaming at me for help

[theartofcrafting]

i feel yucky and im stressed and its that gross feeling that feels like it’ll last forever but i KNOW it wont. I know I will be fine soon but i just can’t believe it. I feel the anxiety in my chest and my throat and my hands its just gathering every where it just feels like a thickk sludge and I just want to be able to get it all of but i cant its like glue its just so gross

[theartofcrafting]

ive been doing so good for a few weeks now why am I suddenly overthinking everything and feeling things that I dont wanna feel and getting all shaky and stupid and ugh

[theartofcrafting]

My mom is worse at dealing with stress than I am what the hell?? We just moved to this house about 6 months ago and it was a huge commotion cause the people selling it were being jerks and we all really really wanted this house cause its cool but now shes stressed and that somehow fucking translates into wanting to move again. Shes like talking to realtors and looking at houses and I just fucking hate it cause last time we moved it was just such a fucking mess I dont want to go through all that again Im so tired

[theartofcrafting]

hey gang I am once again so upset because i feel like my life will never go in the direction that I want it to . I just want to be a photographer that is all 👍👍

[theartofcrafting]

did not expect my little before bed scenario i was imagining to go in that direction ❗️❗️❗️ hmm maybe that means there is something that i have yet to realize but i know subconsciously ❗️❗️