BEA

*.ੈ✩‧₊˚. a personal blog?

[thebeahiive]

welcome to the bea hive!

this is basically where most (all) of the random shit i think of goes… basically a digital diary at this point. and very much adhd themed to be honest.

there aren’t really rules just don’t be an asshole and don’t be weird. men & minors aren’t welcome here so go away, disrespectfully.

kind of a bitch but i’m funny and i love some people, yeah okay! anyway that’s all go snoop or something:,)

[thebeahiive]

my life has frozen digitally but now i am claiming back what i haven’t lost but just taken a very long break from. this begins the re-introduction to funny internet humor and remember what i think is funny and silly with no outside sources feeding it to me. also means poetry :3

ive been a crab for everyone i’ve known and i fit into their shells. i camouflage like a chameleon and i suss out the predator in every room, every situation i am alert and on edge. i am always 3 steps ahead and always know where the exit is. always a back up and a back up.

my ancient had led me to manifest exactly what it is that i wanted, and ultimately what i got. but where? i’m stuck.

i hear crickets as i type and it’s comforting to know there the same one’s everyone in my state can hear now too. loved, lost, those stuck too.

i’m allowed to post without being vague because this is FOR me to get through this and if i can’t be fucking honest with my two thumbs tjen what can i do??????????

what can i do?????????

what can i do….????????

i just keep thinking ….………………………..….……………………….. ….………………………..….……………………….. ….………………………..….……………………….. and reflecting ….……………………………….. staring at myself and wondering

what am i doing?

i come home (almost) every single day from a job that i despise.

allegedly,

and i dread sitting here with myself. i have no motivation to even do a single thing. i hate the silence of it all and i can’t seem to do anything about it.

it is okay now, because it’s just me and the moon and everyone else is asleep. it’s quiet, it’s calm. but the days are so long and repetitive. they are dreadful and the most fun i’ve had is planning for children’s day camp.

i don’t get paid enough to be doing what i am right now but i know that for my future and since i’m a nanny this is the perfect stone for me.

point is: this has to change. i cannot continue in this cycle i have put myself in. it wasn’t bad until it got fucking bad and adulting in america is a slippery slope… as they say.

i lack connection in the most monumental time in my life and i need Girl connection on a different level. something spiritual needs to happen i feel it coming.

what’s mine is mine is mine is mine. what’s mine is mine is mine is mine. what’s mine is mine is mine is mine.

i accept what is meant for me and gives me the opportunity to flourish and beam under the sun and the stars.

-bea

[thebeahiive]

so i’m actually back on my bullshit.

firehorse is real and i reclaim this territory.

about to absolutely nuke this page with anything and everything i want, will have, is meant for me, destined even.

i’ve lost and loved and i’ve come home to myself in a more hollowed out version.

but that is perfect for renovating.

a new shell! for me this time. it begins now, continue

[thebeahiive]

im back on my bullshit!!!!!!!

[thebeahiive]

i feel like my girlfriend hates me and thinks i’m so insufferable and it’s making me nauseous

[thebeahiive]

y’all……. this did not age well.

[thebeahiive]

i feel like my girlfriend hates me and thinks i’m so insufferable and it’s making me nauseous

[thebeahiive]

5 stages of beaf

horny

anxiety sad

mad

headache

having that underlying fear that i actually am in fact not good enough for anyone and even tho as much as i try to hold onto people they never seem to understand the grasp i have on them. i am leaving claw marks in you, gripping for dear life with sweaty and shaking hands. but all that you see is them placed perfectly on my lap, not thinking that they have been bruised, not knowing that they have felt the trauma of being apart of this brain; forever engulfed in the skin that blesses me and holds me inside a warm reinforcement. you do not feel the blood on your back as it soaks your clothes. you don’t feel how i feel for you, and you don’t seem to let it be a bother to you. i don’t seem like a bother to you. i seem like a burden. a root that refuses to leave an already dead lawn.

there are things besides matching our footsteps when we walk or our breathes as we sleep, but there is also more to Us than what it feels like now. i do not know how to self soothe myself, and that feeling is scary to me. because it is not just me, but includes you as well and it gives me reason to concern that i need self soothing from you About you when that should not be the case.

i don’t want to lose you, but i’m losing myself in the process.

[thebeahiive]

i’ve reached a new level: writing smut about my own girlfriend

[thebeahiive]

bro i remember when i was in this one boy and fandom in middle school and was friends with this girl zenobia. she used to always call me if i didn’t respond to her instagram messages fast enough but would hang up the second i answered. she also told me her mom was in jail and that she lived with her dad and had a raccoon infestation and they lived under her bed?????????? just remembered that lmao i do wonder what she’s up to fr tho

[thebeahiive]

i feel like such a terrible person for wanting different things

[thebeahiive]

i never feel clean after i shower i feel literally disgusting

[thebeahiive]

i miss being a girl with my the last of us fan account…

[thebeahiive]

okay but us at disney

fr gn this time

[thebeahiive]

since the new amy winehouse movie is coming out i am randomly thinking about how at the end of 2020 like sept/oct i was so depressed and fighting with my mom like a Lot and was so confused and sad that i made tiktok’s of me waking up and eating and doing nothing but showering or cleaning and then going to sleep. like i did that for 2 weeks and i remember using back to black for one of the minute long songs.

i also remember locking myself in my room for 3 days straight covering my window with a dark blanket, watching criminal minds season 6 (specifically the kate niece two pt episodes) and eating nothing but bbq wings and those almond granola bars but spitting tie almonds out while i sat in my flower chain 3 inches away from the tv screen.

ah, good times. goodnight

[thebeahiive]

i fucking hate men, you twats aren’t fucking welcome here. stay off my page.

[thebeahiive]

[thebeahiive]

y’all ever lowkey orgasm after u pee sometimes?