The Best Defense Program

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[thebestdefenseprogram]

Go hug Gramma

Go hug Gramma: http://wp.me/p1AyfQ-c3

My mother spent a lot of time being mad at me just after my oldest started to walk. She felt I was teaching my children to not trust their grandmother, to not like her. The issue would always arise just after we stopped in for a visit (more…) “”

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[thebestdefenseprogram]

Ethics in Journalism: How Accusations Against Jian Ghomeshi Made the CBC Choose Sides

Ethics in Journalism: How Accusations Against Jian Ghomeshi Made the CBC Choose Sides (2015)

Written and published in 2015, this article has been cross posted.

Content note: frank discussion of violence. Read me first.

On October 26, 2014, acclaimed host of CBC Radio’s popular late-night show, “Q,” released a public statement via Facebook: he had been fired from the public broadcaster because he had engaged in sexual activities “unbecoming of a prominent host on the CBC” (The Star,…

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[bossybroads]

“No one should have to reveal intimate details about what they’ve been through for their trauma to be taken seriously.”

[thebestdefenseprogram]

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[thebestdefenseprogram]

Health and Safety: The Role of the Employer In Combatting Abuse

Health and Safety: The Role of the Employer In Combatting Abuse #Selfdefense #HRM #SafeWork #DomesticViolence #VAW

Content note: coarse language, frank discussion of violence – read me first

At 27, Kathryn Borel told her employer of ongoing (more…)

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[exgynocraticgrrl-archive-deacti]

Deconstructing Masculinity & Manhood with Michael Kimmel @ Dartmouth College

[girldwarf]

YAAAAEEESSSSSSS

[worldoflis]

You know what I like, and feel is so important? That he doesn’t say “Men thinks those are THEIR positions”. He says “We think those are OUR positions.”

As a male feminist, he still doesn’t exclude himself from the group of men.

[emkfeminist]

This is the best deconstruction of male entitlement. 

[thatsyouthatshowdumbyousound]

Affirmative Action is all about favoring minority groups where, if considered on merit alone, they wouldn’t get the job, or accepted to the college, etc.

If anyone is passed over in favor of a minority who is less qualified (that part isn’t verified in the above example, so I say this hypothetically) than they are for a job, that is discrimination. And Affirmative Action was created to do exactly that, therefore it is inherently discriminatory.

No individual should be penalized or disadvantaged for being born a certain gender, race, etc. The gender, race, etc. in question is NOT relevant. Also, things like Affirmative Action that attempt to right a disadvantage by creating another one are misguided, at best.

[emkfeminist]

"Affirmative Action is all about favoring minority groups where, if considered on merit alone, they wouldn’t get the job, or accepted to the college, etc."

Nope. They are qualified based on merit. The problem is this “colour blind meritocracy” that people opposed to Affirmative Action go on about does not exist. Studies have shown, time and again, that selection committees favour the status quo (white, male, straight, cis, etc.) and see people possessing those characteristics as more qualified, *even when they’re not*. What’s more, this happens even when the people doing the hiring and selection are convinced that they’re selecting based on merit alone.

[tpfnewsdesk-deactivated20181216]

The chief of police for the Ferguson Police Department misled members of the media and the public when he asserted that his hand was forced in releasing surveillance footage that purported to show 17-year-old resident Michael Brown engaged in a strong-arm robbery at a convenience store hours before he was fatally shot by a police officer.

Chief Thomas Jackson distributed copies of the surveillance tape at a press conference on Aug. 15 in tandem with the public release of the identity of the officer who was responsible for shooting Brown.

When questioned by members of the press about the tape — which apparently had nothing to do with the fatal shooting of the unarmed teenager — Jackson told reporters that he was legally obligated to release the tape because member of the media had submitted an open records requests for it.

“We’ve had this tape for a while, and we had to diligently review the information that was in the tape, determine if there was any other reason to keep it,” Jackson said at the press event. “We got a lot of Freedom of Information requests for this tape, and at some point it was just determined we had to release it. We didn’t have good cause, any other reason not to release it under FOI.”

Jackson later said that the officer who fatally shot Brown — identified as Officer Darren Wilson — did not know that Brown had allegedly been involved in a robbery earlier in the day when the officer confronted Brown on a Ferguson road hours later. When asked by a reporter why the agency would release the surveillance tape, even though it appeared to have nothing to do with the fatal shooting of the teenager, Jackson replied: “Because you asked for it.”

However, a review of open records requests sent to the Ferguson Police Department found that no news organization, reporter or individual specifically sought the release of the surveillance tape before police distributed it on Aug. 15.

Last month, TheBlot Magazine requested a copy of all open records requests made by member of the public — including journalists and news organizations — that specifically sought the release of the convenience store surveillance video. The logs, which were itself obtained under Missouri’s open records law, show only one journalist — Joel Currier with the St. Louis Post-Dispatch — broadly requested any and all multimedia evidence “leading up to” Brown’s death on Aug. 9.

Other records that would have been subject to Currier’s request, including 9-1-1 call recordings and police dispatch tapes, have yet to be formally released by the agency.

The logs contradict Jackson’s claim that “a lot” of reporters had specifically “asked for” the robbery surveillance tape through open records requests before his agency released the footage. The documents raise more questions about why the video — which, by the chief’s own admission, had nothing to do with the shooting death of the teenager — was released in the first place.

A Ferguson police spokesperson did not return a request for comment.

The Department of Justice had asked the Ferguson police department not to distribute a copy of the surveillance tape, according to a report by NBC News. DOJ officials confirmed they had a copy of the tape, but said they never considered releasing it, NBC said.

Shortly after the tape was released, the Brown family released a statement charging police with attempting to smear the character of the slain teenager.

“Michael Brown’s family is beyond outraged at the devious way the police chief has chosen to disseminate piecemeal information in a manner intended to assassinate the character of their son,” the family said in a statement. “It is no way transparent to release the still photographs alleged to be Michael Brown, and refuse to release the photographs of the officer that executed him.”

Family attorney Benjamin Crump echoed the same sentiment in a statement e-mailed to TheBlot early Friday morning.

“The reports of the Ferguson Police Chief deliberate misleading account about the basis for his release of the video tape is very troubling to Michael Brown’s family,” Crump wrote. “It follows a disturbing pattern of behavior by the Ferguson Police Department since this tragedy occurred. This simply serves as another example of why many in the Ferguson community lack trust in all of the local law enforcement officials and the grand jury process, in general and Chief Jackson, in particular.”

Days of violent protests and looting plagued the community of Ferguson immediately after Brown’s death. Some attributed the violence to the militant response by the Ferguson Police Department, prompting the Missouri State Highway Patrol to assume security in the town.

Peaceful demonstrations were held shortly after the MSHP stepped in; however, violence reignited in Ferguson the evening after the surveillance tape was released.

“[Jackson] is inciting the community all over again,” Brown family attorney Anthony Gray said.

DOCUMENT: See the FOIA request log obtained by TheBlot Magazine

Source: Matthew Keys for The Blot Magazine

[steviemcfly]

Is anyone surprised? It doesn’t matter either way, in the scheme of things. They spread enough misinformation that the public’s opinion is against Brown, and it may not be totally for the Ferguson PD, but white America doesn’t care anymore. They were sold comfortable lies, and they’ve gone back to ignoring this story. So when it all comes to light and every lie is properly exposed, they’ll have long since stopped paying attention and Mike Brown will still be a thug to them. They’ll still think he broke Wilson’s eye socket. They’ll still think he charged Wilson like a rhino and tried to steal his gun. They’ll think that and a million other wrong things about the story because that’s what they know and they don’t care to know differently.

[invisiblelad]

They needed to put this false narrative to justify their inaction and continued hostile footing. They in essence slandered the character of person to make themselves look better and it should not be readily forgiven. 

[piecesofbird]

This guy was showing leaked pictures of celebs to his companions at Marble Slab Kenaston. Wonder if anyone recognises him? Nice thing is: public place, so I’m allowed this pic ;)

[thebestdefenseprogram]

Thing is, this creepy dude just let the women he was with know he is not to be trusted. I hope they got that message.

[th3d0ct0r13]

So, i read this awful article using bathroom “scare tactics,” which was claiming that trans women are potential rapists. “Men” who dress as women to gain access to women only spaces and force them self on women. This really upset me and i had a bit of a Twitter rant. They were read by others and i was urged to post them in other media also, so i am posting them here. (Edited together in easy reading format from top to bottom.)

This is the link in the first tweet about how there are no cases of a trans woman attacking a cis woman in public restrooms: Link 1.

This is the link in the second tweet about the cases where trans people are assaulted in the bathroom by cis people: Link 2.

[junabug-deactivated20181015]

if you’re cis and you follow me i’m gonna need you to reblog this

[genderfuckedover]

don’t care if you’re cis or trans, this is important.

[theartoftransliness]

This is important information for everyone to know.

[jathis]

Tell Radfems to stop fucking lying about Trans Women

[forfitnessmotivation]

[the-exercist]

Complaining actually does burn calories. Everything that we do burns calories. The energy required to form thoughts, breath in air, move your mouth and speak will all burn calories. Simply being alive burns calories - The only way that you would stop using energy is by dying.

If you sit and complain for an hour? The average person will burn over 100 calories. 

Besides - Complaining and talking about our problems is one method of coping. It is a way to release steam, work towards finding solutions, share our emotional state with others and talking through our issues. Complaining isn’t inherently a bad thing. If you don’t enjoy sitting around and listening to someone else complain, then don’t. But don’t blame them for trying to share their feelings with you or for being upset. Not everyone is trying to work towards a tangible solution - Sometimes, voicing our problems is the solution and it’s a valid method of helping us feel better. 

[politicalmachine]

Two other women, also breast cancer survivors, said their husbands left them after they were diagnosed. Both had to have mastectomies (in case anyone doesn’t know, this is the surgical operation to remove one or both breasts). The first woman said her husband told her that he would rather see her dead than see her lose her breasts. The second woman had her operation and waited all day to be picked up by her husband, who never arrived. By nightfall, one of the nurses offered to give her a ride, and she came home to find the house empty. Obviously, these are extreme cases of a man’s reaction to his wife’s breast cancer, but this is what I see when I see the “I ♥ Boobies” bracelets. I see love of the body parts, not the person being treated—not the patient, not the victim, not the survivor.

My Beef with the “I Love Boobies” Bracelets (via star-trekkin) I will never not reblog this. So important.  (via youmightbeamisogynist)

oh my god this is heartbreaking

(via captainnipple)

[rosalarian]

We live in a society that’s sexist in ways it doesn’t understand. One of the consequences is that men are extremely sensitive to being criticized by women. I think it threatens them in a very primal way, and male privilege makes them feel free to lash out. This is why women are socialized to carefully dance around these issues, disagreeing with men in an extremely gentle manner. Not because women are nicer creatures than men. But because our very survival can depend on it.

No skin thick enough: The daily harassment of women in the game industry

The whole article sadly hits very close to home.

(via rosalarian)

[sandandglass]

[shellshockjock-deactivated20141]

1. Trauma permanently changes us. This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop. This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage. 2. Presence is always better than distance. There is a curious illusion that in times of crisis people “need space.” I don’t know where this assumption originated, but in my experience it is almost always false. Trauma is a disfiguring, lonely time even when surrounded in love; to suffer through trauma alone is unbearable. Do not assume others are reaching out, showing up, or covering all the bases. It is a much lighter burden to say, “Thanks for your love, but please go away,” than to say, “I was hurting and no one cared for me.” If someone says they need space, respect that. Otherwise, err on the side of presence. 3. Healing is seasonal, not linear. It is true that healing happens with time. But in the recovery wilderness, emotional healing looks less like a line and more like a wobbly figure-8. It’s perfectly common to get stuck in one stage for months, only to jump to another end entirely … only to find yourself back in the same old mud again next year. Recovery lasts a long, long time. Expect seasons. 4. Surviving trauma takes “firefighters” and “builders.” Very few people are both. This is a tough one. In times of crisis, we want our family, partner, or dearest friends to be everything for us. But surviving trauma requires at least two types of people: the crisis team — those friends who can drop everything and jump into the fray by your side, and the reconstruction crew — those whose calm, steady care will help nudge you out the door into regaining your footing in the world. In my experience, it is extremely rare for any individual to be both a firefighter and a builder. This is one reason why trauma is a lonely experience. Even if you share suffering with others, no one else will be able to fully walk the road with you the whole way. A hard lesson of trauma is learning to forgive and love your partner, best friend, or family even when they fail at one of these roles. Conversely, one of the deepest joys is finding both kinds of companions beside you on the journey. 5. Grieving is social, and so is healing. For as private a pain as trauma is, for all the healing that time and self-work will bring, we are wired for contact. Just as relationships can hurt us most deeply, it is only through relationship that we can be most fully healed. It’s not easy to know what this looks like — can I trust casual acquaintances with my hurt? If my family is the source of trauma, can they also be the source of healing? How long until this friend walks away? Does communal prayer help or trivialize? Seeking out shelter in one another requires tremendous courage, but it is a matter of life or paralysis. One way to start is to practice giving shelter to others. 6. Do not offer platitudes or comparisons. Do not, do not, do not. “I’m so sorry you lost your son, we lost our dog last year … ” “At least it’s not as bad as … ” “You’ll be stronger when this is over.” “God works in all things for good!” When a loved one is suffering, we want to comfort them. We offer assurances like the ones above when we don’t know what else to say. But from the inside, these often sting as clueless, careless, or just plain false. Trauma is terrible. What we need in the aftermath is a friend who can swallow her own discomfort and fear, sit beside us, and just let it be terrible for a while. 7. Allow those suffering to tell their own stories. Of course, someone who has suffered trauma may say, “This made me stronger,” or “I’m lucky it’s only (x) and not (z).” That is their prerogative. There is an enormous gulf between having someone else thrust his unsolicited or misapplied silver linings onto you, and discovering hope for one’s self. The story may ultimately sound very much like “God works in all things for good,” but there will be a galaxy of disfigurement and longing and disorientation in that confession. Give the person struggling through trauma the dignity of discovering and owning for himself where, and if, hope endures. 8. Love shows up in unexpected ways. This is a mystifying pattern after trauma, particularly for those in broad community: some near-strangers reach out, some close friends fumble to express care. It’s natural for us to weight expressions of love differently: a Hallmark card, while unsatisfying if received from a dear friend, can be deeply touching coming from an old acquaintance. Ultimately every gesture of love, regardless of the sender, becomes a step along the way to healing. If there are beatitudes for trauma, I’d say the first is, “Blessed are those who give love to anyone in times of hurt, regardless of how recently they’ve talked or awkwardly reconnected or visited cross-country or ignored each other on the metro.” It may not look like what you’d request or expect, but there will be days when surprise love will be the sweetest. 9. Whatever doesn’t kill you … In 2011, after a publically humiliating year, comedian Conan O’Brien gave students at Dartmouth College the following warning: "Nietzsche famously said, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ … What he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.” Odd things show up after a serious loss and creep into every corner of life: insatiable anxiety in places that used to bring you joy, detachment or frustration towards your closest companions, a deep distrust of love or presence or vulnerability. There will be days when you feel like a quivering, cowardly shell of yourself, when despair yawns as a terrible chasm, when fear paralyzes any chance for pleasure. This is just a fight that has to be won, over and over and over again. 10. … Doesn’t kill you. Living through trauma may teach you resilience. It may help sustain you and others in times of crisis down the road. It may prompt humility. It may make for deeper seasons of joy. It may even make you stronger. It also may not. In the end, the hope of life after trauma is simply that you have life after trauma. The days, in their weird and varied richness, go on. So will you.

Catherine Woodiwiss, “A New Normal: Ten Things I’ve Learned About Trauma” (via lepetitmortpourmoi)

[ourfemifesto]

"How To Not Get Raped" A Tip Sheet By femifesto & Collaborators

On July 14th there were two sexual assaults reported to the police in Ottawa. The safety messaging released by the police and the mainstream media as a response continue to be directed at women. These “safety tips” are unfortunately not unique to Ottawa. Versions of them are repeated in communities across the country on a daily basis. This has inspired femifesto and collaborators to make our own tip sheet on how to avoid sexual assault.

End #rapeculture & #victimblaming.

Safety Tips Released By the Ottawa Police:

"Ottawa Police have issued safety tips on their website to help females protect themselves:

Try not to walk alone at night but if you do, be alert and avoid dark or isolated areas.  Instead, walk out in the open, away from walls, doorways and pillars.

Whether you are walking or driving, determine the safest route before you leave.  Take the longest route if that is the safest.

Tell friends or family members where you’re going, and then let them know when you reach your destination.

Have your key ready as you approach your house or vehicle.

Don’t enter environments where you feel unsafe. Trust your instincts.

Know your physical capabilities and limitations.

Don’t carry offensive weapons such as knives. They may be used against you.

Ottawa Police say if you suspect you are being followed:

Cross the street or walk on the side of the road.

Go immediately to the nearest well-lit or populated area.

If others are within hearing distance, turn to the person following you and say in a loud and assertive voice: “Stop following me!”

Contact Police immediately—go to a house or a store and call the Police or flag down a taxi and ask the driver to call the Police for you.

If the person following you is driving a car, take out a pen and paper, look at the licence plate and write the number down, making sure that the driver sees you do this.

Ottawa Police say if you are attacked:

Try to remember the complexion, body build, height, weight, age, and type of clothing worn by the attacker. If possible, write down the information while it is still fresh in your memory.

If an attacker is after your purse or other valuables, don’t resist. If you have the opportunity, throw your purse away from you to the distance the attacker from you.”

Source: http://ottawa.ctvnews.ca/ottawa-police-investigate-two-sexual-assaults-in-city-s-west-end-1.1914522#ixzz37kNBGLiP

Image transcript:

How To Not Get Raped: The smart way

Start Young: Learn self defence but know that you are physically limited and cannot defend yourself. Learn not to talk to strangers before you learn to talk. Learn not to walk alone before you learn to walk. Especially learn how to be accountable for your rapist’s actions.

Trust Your Instincts: Avoid all environments where you feel unsafe and where sexual assaults commonly take place: walls, doorways, pillars, streets, sidewalks, corridors, elevators, lobbies, parking lots, cars, public transit, cabs, parks, bars, restaurants, apartments, houses, offices, universities, colleges, nursing homes and government institutions.

Always Conform: Don’t embrace the power and pleasures of your own desires. Don’t dress to impress - yourself. Don’t find yourself gorgeous and alive and wanting to share that. Don’t wear flirty skirts or revealing dresses. On the other hand do not be tomboyish. Avoid any expression that does not conform to gender norms as some people may use rape as a way to “discipline” you.    

Don’t Ask For It: Do not smile or be charming. Be pleasant and polite to everyone you meet — if you’re hostile, you may be asking for assault. Also, be sure you don’t lead on your attacker. Never invite anyone into your home, but never be alone. Don’t be coy. Don’t be brazen. Don’t confuse anyone — mixed messages can be dangerous.

Protect Yourself: If you live alone, install extra locks, buy a dog, and carry a small weapon. If you live with others, carry the dog and weapon around your home. Also, make sure you don’t carry the dog or weapon with you, as weapons could be used against you.

Date Smart: Don’t go on dates alone, you could be attacked. Don’t go on dates in groups because then you could be attacked by a number of people. But don’t decline date offers either - insulting a potential suitor is just asking for trouble.

If Attacked: Scream and struggle unless your attacker is the type who will kill you for fighting back. If you stay still for survival, make sure that they wouldn’t have let you go if you had resisted. Talk kindly to them, but don’t say anything that might sound bad in court. Protect yourself from injury, but make sure you get some bruises to count as evidence.

Call the Police: Unless you face institutional barriers to accessing justice i.e. Aboriginal peoples, women of colour, persons with a disability, trans* people, queer folks, sex workers, Muslim women that wear the niqab, youth, low income individuals, homeless people, newcomer women, those with precarious status, Deaf people…you get the picture.

Avoid Rapists: Most importantly stay away from those who commonly commit assaults; strangers, family members, friends, partners, spouses, co-workers, bosses, clients, teachers, doctors, teammates, and police officers. Be extra careful during peak times when rapes occur i.e. daytime, nighttime, dawn, afternoon, early evening, tea time, nap time. If you suspect you are being followed, go to a well lit area: unless you can’t because it’s dark outside - then set off a flare gun or light a torch. (Why are you outside when it’s dark anyway?)

Created by femifesto: Sasha Elford, Shannon Giannitsopolou, Farrah Khan, in collaboration with Rebecca Faria, Stephanie Guthrie, Julie Lalonde, Chanelle Gallant, and Lisa Mederios.

Inspired by the Ottawa Police:

http://ottawa.ctvnews.ca/ottawa-police-investigate-two-sexual-assaults-in-city-s-west-end-1.1914522#ixzz37kNBGLiP

[thebodyisnotanapology]

That's Hysterical: Owning Emotions

By Megan Ryland

[Newspaper Clipping: Black and white photo features a white, middle aged woman holding her head in her hands and grimacing, while an older white woman with glasses observes her distress. The headline reads, “These Hysterical Women.” The article proceeds from there but is unclear.]

One sure fire way to undermine someone is to accuse them of being overly emotional. In a world where appearing irrational can be used to undercut your argument, it is often a fatal blow to be called “emotional”—the presumed enemy of rationality. The assumption that emotional = irrational has supported systems of oppression for generations and it’s about time we deconstructed that idea.

If you are being discriminated against, it’s only rational to be emotional about it. It’s only reasonable to be angry. In fact, it’s not rational to be calm in the face of injustice if being calm means accepting the status quo. It is a particular skill to be able to discuss oppression dispassionately, and one that is cultivated by those who are constantly told that their emotional reaction - their response to their oppression - must be biasing them, clouding their judgment, or making them irrational. The art of swallowing injustice and speaking calmly over the nausea is not a skill you want to be forced to learn.

Unfortunately, in order to be listened to, marginalized people must often play along with the rules of Western, masculine society that is constantly waiting to say, “You’re just being oversensitive” (aka creating a problem where none exists by having feelings) or asking, “Are you on your period?” (aka is menstruation making you incapable of rational thoughts? Are you… PMSing?). Many of the classic derailing tactics are aimed at marginalizing people for expressing emotions, especially anger, hurt, grief or trauma (click here for a great list of examples).

Women in particular have a track record of emotions being used against them as a group. The term “hysteria” has a long history and its application to women justified many different treatments, abuses and one-way trips to asylums. Women could be diagnosed with hysteria for a variety of ridiculous reasons in Victorian England, but the most common motivator seems to be the fact that a woman had some sort of emotions that could not be controlled. Today, a woman is more likely to be questioned about her periods than accused of hysteria, but it comes from the same place: the assumption that women are irrational. We’re just “crazy” right?!

Gaslighting is the term often used to describe the process of manipulating someone into believing their reactions are unreasonable or “crazy.” A popular 2011 Huffington Post article addresses the topic well if you’re unfamiliar with the term. I think that gaslighting has been a tool for oppression for a long time, used on a societal scale when marginalized people are told that they are not being oppressed. Every time an Asian American is asked to ‘prove’ his experiences of racism, or a trans woman is told her gender isn’t valid, or anyone argues that sexism/racism/heterosexism/ableism/classism is over, they are implicitly (and sometimes explicitly) saying that experiences of oppression aren’t real. They’re saying, “You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re just overly emotional/overreacting/over sensitive. You’re crazy.” When someone expresses anger about their oppression, they’re simply turned into a stereotype so that they can be ridiculed instead of listened to and/or further marginalized through ableist accusations like “crazy.” This is gaslighting on a social scale. This constant gaslighting can then become internalized until you don’t need anyone else to tell you that you can’t trust your own emotions—you do it to yourself.

Being unapologetically emotional about what is important to you is a radical act. It’s a step towards self love to stop apologizing for having feelings, but it’s also a rejection of the pervasive cultural opinion that says having emotions weakens you (and your argument). Having feelings about a subject doesn’t unfairly bias you—in fact, it may inform you. Everyone in political conversations has emotions in play (that’s just the near constant state of the humanity) but emotions come under fire when they’re from someone inconvenient. If it’s from a woman who wants the right to reproductive freedom, or a migrant worker who wants a just path to citizenship, or a queer youth who wants to feel safe in their homes, emotions are said to distract or detract from an argument. They are seen to blur vision, not sharpen focus on their needs and the solutions. It’s a lie.

Having feelings is human. It’s also part of what drives people to make change. We can’t have a movement without them. No more apologies for caring, or crying. It’s our movement and we’ll cry if we want to.

[realsocialskills]

A post for men about creepy men

I wrote a post a while back about how some people are very good at getting away with doing intentionally creepy things by passing themselves off as just ~awkward~.

Recently, I noticed a particular pattern that plays out. While creeps can be any gender, there’s a gendered pattern by which creepy men get other men to help them be creepy:

A guy runs over the boundaries of women constantly

He makes them very uncomfortable and creeped out

But he doesn’t do that to guys, and

He doesn’t talk to guys about it in an unambiguous way, and

When he does it in front of guys, he finds a way to make it look deniable

And then some women complain to a man, maybe even a man in charge who is supposed to be responsible for preventing abuse in a space

and he has no idea what they are talking about, since he’s never the target or witness

And he’s had a lot of pleasant interactions with that guy

So he sympathizes with him, and thinks he must mean well but be have trouble with social skills

And then takes no action to get him to stop or to protect women

And so the group stays a place that is safe for predatory men, but not for the women they target

For example:

Mary, Jill, and Susan: Jim, Bob’s been making all of us really uncomfortable. He’s been sitting way too close, making innuendo after everything we say, and making excuses to touch us.

Bill: Wow, I’m surprised to hear that. Bob’s a nice guy, but he’s a little awkward. I’m sure he doesn’t mean anything by it. I’m not comfortable accusing him of something so serious from my position of authority.

What went wrong here?

Bill assumed that, if Bob was actually doing something wrong, he would have noticed.

Bill didn’t think he needed to listen to the women who were telling him about Bob’s creepy actions. He didn’t take seriously the possibility that they were right. 

Bill assumed that women who were uncomfortable with Bob must be at fault; that they must be judging him too harshly or not understanding his awkwardness

Bill told women that he didn’t think that several women complaining about a guy was sufficient reason to think something was wrong

Bill assumed that innocently awkward men should not be confronted about inadvertantly creepy things they do, but rather women should shut up and let them be creepy

A rule of thumb for men:

If several women come to you saying that a man is being creepy towards them, assume that they are seeing something you aren’t

Listen to them about what they tell you

If you like the guy and have no idea what they’re talking about, that means that what he is doing is *not* innocent awkwardness.

If it was innocent awkwardness, he wouldn’t know how to hide it from other men

Men who are actually just awkward and bad at understanding boundaries also make *other men* uncomfortable

If a man is only making women uncomfortable but not men, that probably means he’s doing it on purpose

Take that possibility seriously, and listen to what women tell you about men

tl;dr If you are a man, other men in your circle who are nice to you are creepy towards women. Don’t assume that if something was wrong that you would have noticed; creepy men are good at finding the lines of what other men will tolerate. Listen to women. They know better than you do whether a man is being creepy and threatening towards women; if they think something is wrong, listen and find out why. Don’t tolerate give predatory dudes who are nice to you cover to keep hurting women.