The Bipolar Virgin @thebipolarvirgin - Tumblr Blog

My brain is broken and no one sees.

Your suicide happened the moment society made you feel ugly and you believed it.

R. M. Drake

Yesterday, I considered jumping in front of a bus. But, decided I need to write something good first.

A friend got married this weekend and another friend is now engaged. I am happy for them, they deserve happiness, but I can’t help wondering... what about me? My friends are getting married and engaged and I can’t even get a guy to show up on a date never mind hold my hand.

My internal clock is ticking. I want marriage, I want babies, I want all the things that everyone else wants, but I can’t even get into a relationship.

Is it possible to break your own heart?

If so. I have done it a million times, until the heart is in little pieces with no form, no rhyme no reason.

I thought that I would need a guy to do the heartbreaking. But, my heart breaks due to the absence of love.

#heartbreak #loneliness #bipolar #depressed #bipolar virgin #virgin #sad #lonely #broken hearted

I have spent my entire life waiting to be pretty. Not beautiful. Just pretty, hell I'd settle for cute. As a kid I just knew I was the ugly duckling story. That I would wake up one day and i would be pretty. All the Justin's and Sean's of the world would run into me after high school and regret the times that they didn't like me back.

Recently I realized it's not gonna happen. I can lose weight, gain weight, put on make up, contour my face and I will still be ugly.

I just don’t know what to do. I see other girls contour their faces on the internet and just look better, more beautiful, but when I do it, my face doesn’t alter. It’s like the world wants me to be ugly no matter what I try.

I don’t really know how to fix it.

I was supposed to go to a party last night, but the anxiety was to great. I couldn’t make myself do it. I just couldn’t go to a party and have no guys talk to me. Not be asked on any dates, etc etc. The last party I went to it, was for my friend, and I brought a friend with and she walked out with a boys number and a date. I left with nothing. Which is the story of my life.

The other day I screamed into a pillow, because my loneliness crawled deep inside of me and I felt like I had to scream or die. Drown under my heartache and loneliness.

#depression #loneliness #bipolar virgin #virgin #manic virgin #sadness #always alone #ugly girl #ugly

I made a concentrated effort to lose my virginity. It didn’t work. It will never work. My vagina will spout cobwebs and I will rot from the inside out.

I have given up hope.

I’m exhausted. The ups and downs are soooooo exhausting. I feel like I’m fighting and losing.

I just want someone to tell me I’m beautiful for once in my life.

Today a friend talked to me about her broken heart and all I could think is that I would do anything to have a broken heart.

Never been in love. Never been in a relationship. Never been kissed. I have no idea what it feels like to lose, because i’ve never had anything of importance in my life.

thishartominefeelz

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Bipolar In order VS. Bipolar Disorder?

Has anyone heard this? “In order” is someone who is on their medication. Taking their lithium on time, etc.

“Disorder” is the opposite. Meaning, as someone who has been off meds for 6 months, I am in disorder.

Interesting. The medication never made me feel better. So, I’m not sure...

Anyone in order?

#bipolar #bipolar disorder #manic depression #inorder #disorder

I Wonder if I will Kill Myself Soon...

Unemployment has crushed my soul.

I used to be awesome. Like, really awesome. I got into 10 of the 12 colleges I applied to. I got just about every internship I wanted. I went to my dream school. I thought life was going to be good....especially, after moving to LA and getting an amazing job. Then it fell through. Laid off.

I’ve been looking for work for 3 months. I have interviewed at amazing companies like Netflix, Marvel, Disney, etc. I’ve had more than one interview with each. I HAD SEVEN INTERVIEWS WITH NETFLIX! And, still didn’t get the job.

It is really difficult being good, but not good enough. That’s how I feel, not good enough.

I’ve been eating a lot of cookies and chocolate and feeling down and struggling with my emotions.

I have been off meds for six months. It feels weird. I wonder if I will kill myself soon.

I hope now.

#bipolar #unemployment #depression #off meds

I am so tired of being me.