The Boo! Review

Reviewing horror movies every day in September and October, and once a week throughout the year. THURSDAYS are Classic Horror Thursdays

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Sick

hey guys sorry I didn't post a review yesterday or today, I am and feel like utter crap. I hope to have all 7 reviews up by at least Sunday.

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Dracula - 1931

                                           “The ancient vampire Count Dracula arrives in England and begins to prey upon the virtuous young Mina.”

-IMDB

Rating: 6.5 out of 10

Here we go ladies and gents, this work week I will be reviewing five of the original Universal Monster Movies. Today we have maybe the most iconic movie monster ever, Dracula. While the 1931 Dracula isn’t the most accurate to Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel, it at least follows the same principals on how a vampire should behave….yeah Twilight, I’m looking at you!

We open on Renfield, my favorite character, traveling through the Carpathian mountains to meet with The Count Dracula about his plans to travel to London. While securing the proper documents, Dracula invites Renfield to a glass of “very old wine” which in turn drugs him allowing Dracula to make Renfield his slave. After a very torturous voyage to London leaving everyone on the ship dead except for a deranged Renfield, he is confined to a sanitarium. Once Dracula succeeds in sucking the blood of Lucy, he turns his attacks to Mina the daughter of the head of the sanitarium. Not being able to diagnose Mina, her father brings in specialist Dr. Van Helsing who informs everyone of the presence of The Count Dracula.

We have to remember that this movie was made in 1931. While I’m sure it was terrifying back then, Dracula has absolutely no scares at all. That being said, it would make an excellent horror movie for those who hate horror movies. I have more than a few friends that can not watch horror movies at all because apparently they are all 5 year old girls….and y’all, they are all actors!

I thought it interesting how the filmmakers tackled various effects in 1931. For instance, many times we would see a coffin or trap door start to open. The camera would show you enough, pan to something across the room, and when it came back there would stand Bela Lugosi. Clearly Lugosi wouldn't be on his hands and knees crawling through a tunnel, and with the lack of editing in those days, I thought this was a clever technique. I would say with giving this movie the slack it deserves for being such an old film, I hated that there was no background music in the whole movie. Some of these scenes were too dang long with very little dialogue to have not ambient music.

What I learned: If a group of extremely religious Ukrainian people tell you not to go to castle in the mountains, ya might wanna listen.

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Bad Milo - 2013

                                      “A horror comedy centered on a guy who learns that his unusual stomach problems are being caused by a demon living in his intestines.”

-IMDB

Rating: 5 out of 10

Huh? Lets just get right to it. This is the weirdest movie I have ever seen. Bad Milo is about a monster midget that lives in a guys butt and kills people. Seriously. I couldn't make that up if I wanted to.

Bad Milo starts very similar to Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk, it opens with a brief shot of some crazy crap happening then jumps to the beginning. After having serious stomach problems, Ken is told that he has a polyp that needs to be removed. While having it removed, we find out that no it’s not a polyp but some sort of monster that calls his butt hole home. We come to find out that when Ken becomes stressed, Milo (the monster in the butt) crawls out and kills the person that caused the stress.

While I didn’t hate Bad Milo, it will never be on my “watch again list.” If you decided to take on Bad Milo, I suggest watching it with a group of friends so you can make fun of it. I’m sure the actors had fun making it, maybe not the doctor that had to stick his face in a dudes ass, but I just think the filmmakers tried too hard to be weird. I think if this movie were made in the 1980’s it would be a cult classic, but having it filmed now feels like a waste of money. I wonder if the filmmakers saw It’s Alive(2008) while under the influence and said “Dude, what if that lived in your butt?” In fact, i’m willing to bet that’s how Bad Milo was conceived.

What I learned: If you have a monster that lives in your butt, KILL IT!

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Stoker - 2013

                                         “After India's father dies, her Uncle Charlie, who she never knew existed, comes to live with her and her unstable mother. She comes to suspect this mysterious, charming man has ulterior motives and becomes increasingly infatuated with him.”

-IMDB

Rating: 6.5 out of 10

What the hell did I just watch? This is one of the most messed up movies i have ever seen, and that comes from the man that loves May(2002). If you like mentally screwed up people, incest, and really f*cked up orgasms, this movie is for you. While being extremely well acted, duh Nicole Kidman is in it, the plot line is a little predictable,

We greet the remaining Stoker family the day Mr. Stoker dies in a fiery car accident. At the funeral India, the daughter, finds out she has an uncle she never knew existed and that he would be living with her and her mother. Now, this uncle screams of pervy creepiness, but that doesn't stop the mother and the daughter from becoming infatuated.

There really isn't much I can say about this film without giving everything away. Just know that if you set out to watch this movie you will be in eternal state of “eww, WTF?” There are no “BOO” moments and very little blood, but this movie will stick with you for a while.

What I learned: If you find the body of your maid in a freezer….ya might wanna tell someone!

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Sorority Row - 2009

                                      “A group of sorority sisters try to cover up the death of their house-sister after a prank gone wrong, only to be stalked by a serial killer.”

-IMDB

Rating: 8 out of 10

YES YES YES! Sorority row is the perfect mix of classic slasher flick and campy college movie. Last night I described Sorority row as a cross between: Pretty Little Liars, Jawbreaker, and Scream. As a re-imagination of The House on Sorority Row (1983), Sorority Row delivers.

We open with a “typical college party” with butts, boobs, and a full sized trampoline in the middle of a living room. As we travel upstairs we are shown that some of the sisters decide to fake a death to get back at a cheating boyfriend. As they take her to the hospital, they take a “wrong turn” and then have to decide what to do with the body. After freaking out, the ex boyfriend Garrett, plunges a tire iron into the chest of the living Megan. After Megan actually dies this time, the girls are then faced with what to do. Do they call the cops, or do they dump their sorority sister down a mine shaft? What do you think? Flash to graduation and the day of the final blow out party, and cue hooded serial killer!

Like I said earlier, Sorority Row is a great mix of classic slasher flick and camp. The camp aspect is done so subtly in one-liners that it took me by surprise each time it happened. Yes, while this is a slasher flick, none of the deaths are overly gruesome or bloody. Don’t get me wrong, Sorority Row has it’s share of blood, but no where near some of the modern horror movies.  *cough* Evil Dead *cough* Actually the first three deaths literally made me yell fun combinations of curse words. All in all, if you want a good modern Slasher Flick that isn’t as heavy a lot of them are, Sorority Row if for you. Oh, and I forgot to tell you, PRINCESS LEIA is in it!

What I learned: If you accidentally kill your friend, tell the cops. If not, someone WILL come and kill you all!

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Jaws - 1975 Throwback Horror Thursday

                                         “When a gigantic great white shark begins to menace the small island community of Amity, a police chief, a marine scientist and grizzled fisherman set out to stop it.”

-IMDB

Rating: 8.5 out 10

I don’t know if you can believe this or not, but I've never seen Jaw. I know, I know, begin the taunting. Jaws is essentially the story of an Island plagued by a giant man eating shark….but everyone knows that. I knew that and I hadn't seen it yet.

We as Americans give the police force a lot of crap, but when a sheriff wants to close a beach because of a shark attack, shouldn't you do that? I understand where the Mayor is coming from, close the beach and close the revenue to the town. Got it...but when the second person dies, in broad daylight, ya close the frackin’ beach. The Sheriff should have said “Ok Mayor, you want the beach open so badly, you go swim out there for a couple of hours.”

So finally after a few more attacks the Mayor finally gets the hint and closes the beach. The trio of Brody, Quint, and Hooper pack their gear and head out to take down the beast. Easier said than done when it’s a 25 foot long shark and you are on 30 foot long boat. Well I’m sure you know how it ends, and if you have seen Sharknado did you notice the Jaws homage? IF you have been living under the same rock that I have been under, I suggest you check out JAWS asap!

What I Learned: My fear of the ocean if completely rational.

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*UPDATE*

just finished the list of movies for the rest of this week and all of next. This week will have 4 more movies that couldn't be more different. Next week Monday-Friday I am celebrating the original Universal Monster movies. Friday and Saturday of next week are Slasher Flicks you may have never seen before.

Any requests or suggestions for reviews please leave them in my in box.

I'm also working on my top 10 Horror Movies for your Halloween Season.

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The Conjuring - 2013

                                            “Paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren work to help a family terrorized by a dark presence in their farmhouse.”

-IMDB

Rating: 7.5 out of 10

Today's movie starts out with one of the creepiest dolls you will ever see. The stupid owners of the doll actually invited a ghost to live in it...they get what they deserve. That happens to just be a video being shown to a university class on paranormal activity. Flash to the Perron family moving to a new house in the woods. They have fallen upon some hard times, even though we never exactly figure out what. The bumps in the night start when the youngest daughter finds a music box in the back yard stating “when the music stops, you can see Toby(the ghost) in the mirror.” Now my niece once said there was a little girl that lives in her closet and if I open the door I can see her, I promptly left the room and have never once touched that closet door.

Things escalate quickly for the Perron family. Bruises appear, girls are pulled out of bed by an unseen force, all the photos on a wall fall off at the same time. Seriously, ALL the photos fall and you think it’s your daughter playing a game? Eventually Ed and Lorraine, paranormal investigators, are called to the house. Almost instantly they realize the presence of a demonic spirit, then Sh*t gets real.

As I've said before, I love possession movies. I haven’t seen many good ones because some writers take it too far. I do recommend The Conjuring. It’s not only a possession movie, but you have ghosts, and a satanic witch. Fun for all ages!

What I Learned: If more than one bird flies into you house in a day, there is something wrong….LEAVE IMMEDIATELY!

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Youtubers react to Sharknado

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Sharknado - 2013

                                         “When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature's deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorize the waterlogged populace.”

-IMDB

Rating: 10 out of 10

“The greatest F*cking movie there ever was!”

-The Boo Review

  Here we have it, the greatest film ever created. Why wouldn't it be? It was created by the Syfy network and they typically don’t ever fail to make the most campy movies ever. I didn't think they could top Sharktopus, but I was wrong. Sharknado has the “B’s” in spades: blood, bad acting, and boobs! While I watch a good campy horror movie, I imagine which character I wish I could have played. After all, it’s my dream to die in a campy horror movie!

After LA is plagued with not one but three shark filled tornados, Steve Sanders….er I mean Fin Shepard, friends and family “just try to make it though” After finding an abandoned hardware store they decide to blow up the Sharknados, that's the logical thing to do duh. I won’t give anything away, but bombs and shark-filled tornados make for a good time. The creators /need to be commended because of their genius shark killing ways. Have a shark in your pool? Just throw in some gasoline, a book of matches, and blow the pesky sea creatures away!

This review might sound like I’m making fun of the movie, but honest to God I loved it!

    What I Learned: If you feel you might be eaten by a shark, bring a chainsaw. You can always cut your way out.