Jeremy and Gavin not willing to actually properly date. They fuck once, and they both love it, but Gavin. Can't. Admit it. There's not something where he's worried people will see him differently, he couldn't give two shits about other people's opinions. It's more about who he's presented himself as. He's afraid of being a liar. He's denied it so many times, tried his hardest to dress "like a straight person" and everyone's believed it at one point or another before they realize the truth. (1/?)
(2/?) And Gavin has lied to himself for so long, never let himself look at a hot guy across the room more than once, watching every single one of his own movements so that he doesn’t convey an attraction to males. It’s all subconscious until he meets Jeremy, his first real crush on a guy. And then he knows that he’s doing it. He knows he’s lying to everyone, including himself. And he hates liars, and cheaters, and hypocrites, and he’s all of them, and god does it hurt.
(3/?) So he leaves. In the morning, before Jeremy gets up, he grabs his clothes and leaves. He can’t drive, so he walks home, taking the longest route he can. He pays for a prostitute, something he’s never done, never thought to do, but he needs to make sure. That he can still do it. He cries. The hooker comforts him because she’s hurting too, and he apologizes. He pays her four times the price. And he leaves again. Leaves her to her fate. He’s losing himself in his thoughts, in himself
(4/?) He passes his apartment. He needs to talk, he knows it, needs to scream and punch the wall and tear at his clothes, rip out of his skin, because his ADHD is acting up, he’s overstimulated by everything, he needs to move, and the hooker wasn’t it. He finds himself knocking on Geoff’s door, and Geoff opens it, tired and hair mussed. A cute guy moves past Gavin, and Geoff waves with a small smile, giving him cash. As a tip, he says. And Gavin pushes Geoff to the floor, he’s angry, furious.
(5/?) Geoff is shocked at the look Gavin is giving him, his eyes full of a rage to rival Ryan’s, one he’s never seen in all his years of knowing the young hacker. And Gavin’s fists are clenched and he starts yelling horrible, horrible things at Geoff, insulting him, bringing up things they both swore to never bring up, the memories associated too painful for Geoff, and Geoff turns red. He stands, growing in his anger. Gavin may scare Geoff at that moment, but Gavin is afraid of Geoff more.
(6/?) As soon as Geoff opens his mouth Gavin is sobbing, holding his stomach, and he can’t, he can’t do it, he’s going to rip himself apart. Geoff opens his arms, and Gavin falls into them, and Geoff holds him tight, and Gavin is sobbing into his chest, and Geoff doesn’t say anything, doesn’t want to, doesn’t need to, he knows that Gavin is in pain, that’s enough to hold him tight, and Gavin feels like he’s breaking apart and Geoff is keeping him together, the only thing keeping him together.
(7/?) Geoff is whispering softly, lowly, soothing things, petting his light blonde hair and tracing shapes in his back. He freezes when there’s a pair of lips on his chest. And then another. Moving up. He looks down and Gavin is kissing up his neck, tears still flowing freely, and Geoff’s heart breaks, he can’t do this, can’t make Gavin admit who he is, and Gavin works up to his chin, and he looks up at Geoff with watery eyes, a parted mouth, and an expression that Geoff can’t quite describe.
(8/?) It’s an expression of pain. Not physical. A pain of lacking. Of lacking something he’s never experienced, never known, but he wants to know it, he needs to know it, it hurts so bad not knowing what it is he wants, and what it feels like. Geoff’s mind clicks as Gavin’s hands twitch of their own hyper volition, grasping and trying to pull, pull Geoff’s warmth closer, pull something closer, anything. Geoff needs to help, he owes Gavin that much, and he’s taking Gavin’s chin and kissing gently
(9/?) Gavin gasps, and his hands scramble for a second in practiced denial of homosexuality, but Geoff stays, gentle, against him. Every move is gently as Geoff sweeps Gavin to his room, laying him down and moving slowly, so slowly over him, prepping him, Gavin gasping, and moving inside him with the gentle nature of handling an egg. An hour after Gavin knocked on Geoff’s door, they lay there, Geoff spooning Gavin and gently kissing the ridge of his ear, his arms wrapped around the tan waist.
(10/?) Gavin isn’t crying, he’s out of tears to cry, he’s lying there, feeling Geoff’s warmth, his care, and it’s what he was lacking, what he needed. A gentle hand, gentle motions, a gentle push to calm him, to silence his mind, to care. Really, truly care. About his wellbeing. And Geoff doesn’t want to date Gavin, that’s the farthest thing from his mind. He wants to care. Make his friends happy. No matter the steps needed to get there. He can feel Gavin’s hands on his waist after they’re gone.
(11/11) The ones that grabbed him when there was nothing else to grab. He was helping. The touch was enough to draw that from. And he can feel Gavin draw a breath to speak, and he holds his. Gavin closes his eyes. And he says it. For the first time in his life, he says it. And he cries again, tears of happiness, and Geoff smiles and stops his kisses, turns Gavin around and hugs him, so tight, and Gavin hugs back, whispering quiet thank you’s, and he’s happy, he’s truthful, he’s fine. -thebumhaus