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A stand-in for crumpled Whataburger wrapper Donald Trump gravely intoned on television last night that if Hillary Clinton wins the upcoming election, there will be “taco trucks on every corner.” And as delicious as that sounds, according to the Washington Post it may also be economically sound.

We fully support this economic stimulus plan

We usually throw shade on Chipotle (we've also been known to resort when in a pinch), but this is plain impressive.

"Eventually, we want to open a Mission Burrito. That's been a plan of ours since the beginning."

"Hooked up the bomb ass carnitas spread."

A Mobil in West Hollywood, Calif., is now the home of the worlds first Burritobox, a bright orange vending machine that delivers warm burritos in 60 seconds.

You'd probably be better off getting the chili con carne at Burrito Box

The Burrito Snobs go on a Pilgrimage: Pepe's Finest

Pepe's Finest Mexican Food, Fullerton, CA

While the impetus for the Burrito Snobs is to review Mexican Food in NYC, we'd be remiss if we didn't say a few words about the incredible stuff we were raised on back in CA. Today, we took a trip to grab some of the best burritos this world has to offer: Pepe's breakfast burritos.

One of the first things you notice upon pulling up to Pepe's is that (1) it has been around for 50+ years (take that, Blockheads) and (2) it brings Muhammad Ali "I'm the greatest" swagger.

It's unclear to us whether these burritos are actually world famous (they should be, but they're probably not), but Pepe's doesn't worry about that...they call their shot and they back it up.

So what's so remarkable about these burritos? Let's start with the numbers:

You're reading that correctly: the machaca burrito and the breakfast burrito with bacon weigh 24.35 and 27.50 ounces, respectively. Porterhouse steaks for two weigh less than these bad boys. Is it obscene? Absolutely. The trick is to eat quickly. If you take these things down slowly and responsibly, your body will start releasing hormones that will scream, "YOU ARE FULL!" Don't give your body the chance to intervene.

And we have to mention the price: these things cost about five bucks. The most uninspired turkey sandwich in NYC costs $7.99. The value prop here sells itself. But enough about numbers, let's talk contents.

Machaca egg burrito with beans

For the uninitiated, machaca is a classic North Mexican shredded beef dish cooked up with peppers, onions, and other spices (depending on the cook). The stuff at Pepe's is molten hot and perfectly spiced. On its own, the machaca, eggs, and refried beans would be outta control. With a liberal application of Pepe's smoky salsa roja, it's next level. We have been known to say this is our favorite burrito of all time and we would be perfectly fine were we held to that statement.

Also worth noting that, despite the fact that this thing is the size of a newborn, the tortilla is perfectly wrapped and slightly crispy. There's no risk of this thing falling apart, which is a feat of gastronomic engineering.

Breakfast burrito with bacon

The name of this thing sells itself, but a few small things here really put these breakfast burritos over the top compared to others. First, refried beans in the breakfast burrito really changes the game. Is it terrible for you? Yes. Will it open up new pleasure centers in your brain? Without a doubt.

Second, the bacon is somehow impossible thick and crispy at the same time. God knows what insane thing they must do to this bacon back in the kitchen, but it's crispy, salty, porcine perfection.

Bottom Line

Belinda Carlisle said it first and said it best: "Heaven is a place on earth."

Don't believe us? Here was the scene at Pepe's at 10.30 am the morning after Thanksgiving:

Not pictured is the 140 lb guy crushing a burrito the size of his head.

Yes, please

A burrito caused a minor scare at an Oklahoma City police briefing station after a man brought the foil-wrapped object in for analysis. Oklahoma City Police Capt. Dexter Nelson says a man discovered a Thermos-type container in his lawn Thursday afternoon and brought it to a police briefing...

Must have been from Baja Fresh or something wack

That time a Burrito Snob ate Mexican in Austin and you probably didn't #burritosnobs

Salsa is the most popular condiment in America.

God bless

Oh my goodness, oh my dayum - Tulcingo Del Valle Reviewed

Tulcingo Del Valle (map)

We'll keep this short and sweet: eat at Tulcingo. Every now and then a place comes out of nowhere and balls out of control, and this place most definitely did. Things started off on the right foot for us when we sat down to not one, but two televisions playing Universal Soldier in Spanish. Dolph vs. JCVD always goes great with tacos. After that we just got foolish with a little help from Rahl: guac, tacos, cemitas, and pipian de pollo. We were glad we made the trip and you will be too.

Guacamole

This stuff was silly. The guac was made fresh, as it should be, but we were especially happy they actually took us at our word when we asked for it to be made spicy. Nice big chunks of jalapeno and good onion content, rounded out with a big basket of homemade chips. Order this, follow it up with breath mints.

An aside: another patron at the restaurant over-ordered guacamole so gave us an untouched, free bowl of guac and chips. We knew this meal was going to go next level as soon as this happened.

Carne Asada Tacos

Most of the time, the beef in carne asada tacos comes in large, diced chunks. These guys were a little bit different - the meat came out with a consistency more along the lines of Korean bulgogi...not that we're complaining. These tacos were incredible. So much so that Andrew was pretty convinced these were the best he's had in NYC, period (and he don't play no games). I'm inclined to agree and, given how fast Rahl took these down, I think he's on board too. These had pretty basic taco fixings (beef, raw onion, cilantro, and generous guac), but whatever they did to the meat to get that spice was incredible. Do this.

Cemita de Chorizo

For the uninitiated, a cemita is a type of sandwich native to Puebla, Mexico. The sandwich is named after the bread - you guessed it, cemita bread - and usually comes with meat, refried beans, panela cheese, and avocado. We got one of these bad boys with chorizo (though beef milanesa would have been perfectly appropriate), and we're glad we did. The chorizo, like just about all of the meats here, brought the fire, but was nicely counterbalanced by the cool avocado and the mellow cheese. Plus, adding refried beans to any sandwich is an instant winner. It's a damn good sandwich, but it may require a nap or, at the very least, some horizontal time afterwards.

Pipian de Pollo

Pipian refers to a traditional piquant sauce made out of toasted pumpkin seeds, peppers, and other spices. This stuff will usually be served over tamales or, in our case, chicken (though we hear this sauce goes on just about everything). The main event is the sauce itself, which is earthy (from the seeds), hot (from the chiles), and altogether unique. It's definitely different from your standard Mexican joint fare, but well worth a try. The chicken was tender and moist and the whole thing made for an epic bite when we combined chicken, sauce, rice, beans, and guac. Branch out, eat this.

Carnitas Tacos

Rahl deserves 100% credit for this one. While each of us was ready to tap-out after two bowls of guacamole, tacos, cemitas, and pipian de pollo (shameful, we know), Rahl pushed us to wrap things up with some carnitas tacos. It nearly killed us, but it's a good thing we did it anyway. Like the carne asada taco, this came with standard toppings - guac, onions, and cilantro. What stood about about these was the carnitas, which was crispy on the outside and moist on the inside. So many times we feel like we come across carnitas that just falls short because it's a little too dry... not the case here. We thought these were solid, but if you had to choose one taco, do the carne asada. That was the OG.

Bottom Line

This was maybe the strongest Mexican joint we've been to in NYC. Not only was the food on point, but it brought something a little different from most Mexican joints: a distinct regional point of view (the place is named after a region in south-eastern Mexico.) So far, if we had to recommend one above all others, it'd be this one.

Tulcingo Del Valle by the Numbers

TVs playing Universal Soldier: 2

Free bowls of guacamole: 1

Items of Our Lady of Guadalupe paraphernalia: 1

Times Rahl tripped out on the artwork on the walls: 1

New Drop on the UWS - Mexican Festival Reviewed

Mexican Festival (map)

Those UWS veterans will recognize this corner as the same one that put Mama Mexico and Maria Bonita out of business. In keeping with the theme of suspect Mexican restaurant names, the successor to the two erstwhile restaurants is called Mexican Festival. Interesting.

Now this is the place that we typically avoid: it has all the hallmarks of a margarita joint that wouldn't know a burrito from a salad wrap (read: Blockhead's). With that said, we thought we'd give this spot a chance because (a) it's close and (b) the owner promised the NY Daily News "authentic Mexican." It was mealtime, so we thought we'd see what they had for us.

Before we get into the food itself, we have to remark on the decor and the ambience of the place. Franky, the place felt a little like Disneyland Oaxaca. Don't believe us? Have a look at the artwork:

Cornball. Pair this with the fact that our waiters dressed like Mariachis and we felt a little bit like owners figured that, hey, this is what gringoes want. Naturally, the Burrito Snobs took umbrage to this. But all of this touches on a larger issue with NYC area Mexican food joints: namely that we feel like most of the Mexican restaurants try and give us gringoes what they think we want out of a Mexican food experience, which is a mistake. We want the real stuff, the stuff that la gente make for themselves when they go home and eat with their family. It's no wonder then that the smaller places are almost always better - they don't have the space or resources to focus their efforts on murals and costumes and 72 ounce strawberry margaritas. If their tacos suck, they're out of business. We feel like 99% of the so-called Mexican places in NYC need to have a little respect for the audience, nahmean?

Now, the food. We didn't ultimately eat a ton of different dishes here, but we went after a couple that we feel are strong indicators of how good a place is. You go to a Chinese place, you get General Tso's (even though it's fake Chinese); you go to a Mexican place, you get enchiladas and chiles rellenos. All in all, we felt like the dishes were well executed, but could have been so much more if the place just cut loose a little bit.

Guacamole

Two quick disclaimers: first, we know that plenty of places (not many of them good) in NYC make guacamole to order (i.e. Dos Caminos for the princely sum of ~$25 or something); and second, we also know that we just finished criticizing the theater that goes into so many subpar Mexican restaurants. Nonetheless, this guacamole was delicious. Well spiced with jalapeño with good tang from a liberal application of lime, the guacamole disappeared in no time. The difference between guac that is fresh out of the fruit (yeah, a fruit) and guac that has been in the fridge for even just an hour is remarkable. Eat this. And do like we did: eat 2+ baskets of the homemade chips

Enchiladas tres amigas

We were distressed to find that, at dinner time, the burrito selection is weak. We think there was one burrito and it was wrapped in a wheat tortilla...no thanks. Instead we opted for the enchiladas, which were actually pretty good. For starters, the plate was about too hot to touch: good sign. Second, we got a bit of variety. The plate had a carnitas enchilada mole, an enchilada de chile colorado, and a chicken enchilada verde. They were all solid - good tortilla integrity, good cheese meltiness - but the standout was the mole. We typically don't love mole because so many end up tasting like Hershey's syrup, but this one had a good balance of sweet and smoky spice. Stack a bite of enchilada with refried black beans and Mexican rice and you'll be alright.

Chiles Rellenos

No, your eyes don't deceive you - this thing was slathered in sauce and jack cheese. And, not surprisingly, it was pretty good, though we won't commit to much more than "pretty good." What did we like? The chile was lightly battered and fried with a good, melty filling of more jack cheese...lots of it. In terms of construction, consistency, and flavor, we felt this was solid. The sauce needed a bit of work to be more interesting, but nonetheless, the dish hit all of the requisite notes. What didn't we like? The chile had little or no discernible spice at all. It was actually listed on the menu as a "mild" serrano on the menu, which takes us back to the issue of the restaurant completely underestimating its customers. Ultimately, the lack of any punch left us feeling pretty ambivalent about this dish.

Rice and Beans

We wouldn't normally call out the rice and beans side plate that a Mexican joint serves up but the plate here deserves special mention...it might have been our favorite thing. A major contributor to the dish's success was the refried pinto beans covered with cotija cheese, a can't miss combo. But the rice here was also some of the best we've had over the last few reviews. Their Mexican rice had a good, rich red color and a good amount of cumin, with green beans and corn mixed in. Unlike some of the rice we've been eating, which has been uninspired and bland, this was textbook Mexican rice and it was awesome.

Bottom Line

This place surprised us given its general appearance, but at about $17 per dish, you'd be well advised to pop over to the El Idolo taco truck and eat six tacos instead.

Mexican Festival by the Numbers

Items of Our Lady of Guadalupe paraphernalia: Zero (disappointing)

Murals: two

Larger-than-life statue of bandito: one

Salsas: one homemade

Sometimes you can't find a taqueria and Chipotle happens #desperation

What is this placed called? - Downtown Bakery Reviewed

Downtown Bakery (map)

First things first: we had trouble with the name of this place. We referred to it as "City Bakery" for a week, confusing absolutely everybody we know ("City Bakery makes Mexican food now?????"). Even after being corrected (finally) we're not sure exactly what this place is technically called. All of the references you'll find online will call it "Downtown Bakery" but, as you can see, the sign clearly says "Down Town Bakery II." Now we're not sure what this place is the sequel of, but it will be known as DTB for our purposes.

One of the first things you notice at DTB is that it hits a lot of the right aesthetic notes of a straightforward Mexican joint. To begin with, the place had the requisite griminess, limited seating, and prominently featured Heimlich maneuver instructional poster. Also, the amigos behind the counter had ponytails and flat-brimmed hats, which reminded us of home. But beyond the ambience, we thought this place was solid, though a little uneven. Some dishes were great while other dishes we felt should have been in their wheelhouse fell a little short of what we were hoping for. If we had to levy a concise verdict on this place, it'd be that this is where you want to get a chronic breakfast burrito, but that you might be a little disappointed with some of the other offerings.

Chilaquiles

For some reason that is far beyond us, chilaquiles is a relatively unknown dish in non-border states, a fact that needs to change. The concept is simple: fry eggs, put them on chips, cover them with cotija cheese, salsa, beans, and whatever else you want to throw on. DTB's version were awesome. The combo in chilaquiles is tough to screw up, but the guajillo salsa put things over the top. Seriously hot and really flavorful, that stuff was instantly memorable. If we had to nitpick (we do) we'd prefer for the chips to be homemade as opposed to bought in bulk - that would have really elevated the game. Nonetheless, they don't make their own chips, but they can still put together a mean chilaquiles. Get this, and if you're hungover, get this like yesterday.

Tamales de Carnitas

If there was a dish here that disappointed us, it was the tamales. We love tamales (we have them every year from Christmas Eve, that's how much we love 'em) and these just didn't bring it. The carnitas filling was good enough and the tomatillo salsa was on point, but these tamales, like so many before them, were kind of dense and kind of dry. We saw how good moist, light tamales can be at Tehuitzingo, but the ones at DTB left a lot to be desired. With dishes like chilaquiles on the menu, you should feel fine letting these go.

Torta de Milanesa de Rez

A milanesa de rez is a pounded piece of steak that is then breaded and cook in oil in a pan. Basically south-of-the-border chicken fried steak. Pure deliciousness. This torta definitely delivered. Milanesa de rez, Oaxaca cheeze, lettuce, tomato, avocado, and the kicker, a whole jalapeno. If we had to complain about one thing (again, we do), we'd prefer the thing to not be on a deli hero, but on a bolillo roll. Our nitpicking aside, however, this was a damn good sandwich and one we'd definitely go back for if our arteries will let us. Get this sandwich and do like we did - take things next level and put the guajillo sauce from your chilaquiles (which you will also get) on the torta.

Chorizo Breakfast Burrito

A quick word about breakfast burritos: "breakfast" is a misnomer. You should be eating these at all times of the day and don't let anybody tell you differently.

Now that that's out of the way, this burrito is what we were really looking forward to when we headed to DTB. For starters, this is supposed to be their specialty. We also didn't eat all day in anticipation...we were starving. All told, this was a strong burrito, though not the strongest we've had. The 'rito was stuffed with black refried beans, sour cream, scrambled eggs, chorizo, jack cheese, and hot sauce. Remember when we said you should get the chilaquiles if you are fighting a hangover? Same thing here. If we had to change a couple things, we'd opt for refried pinto beans and better chorizo (this stuff seemed packaged), but this burrito took us where we needed to go.

Cheese Enchiladas

We'll start with what we liked about these: the guajillo sauce was on point, the onions were some of the hottest (spicy-wise) onions we've ever had, and the plate was hotter than Emily Ratajkowski. What we didn't like: somehow amidst all this heat and spice the cheese was not ooze-from-the-side melty. Come on, fellas - that's what we came for. The enchiladas are ok, but skippable.

Downtown Bakery by the Numbers

Items of Our Lady of Guadalupe paraphernalia: zero (but lots of Mayan warrior posters)

Salsas: four homemade, two bottled

Length of cashier's ponytail: approx. 30 inches

Seats: 10

Adiós Gringo - Burrito Box Reviewed

Burrito Box (map)

Burrito Box is a little spot off of Columbus Circle that we felt like The Burrito Snobs needed to hit. The restaurant has a lot of that my-friend-from-SF-cosigns-this-place kind of swag on Yelp, which would be great if people from San Francisco knew much about real burritos (snobs, get it?). In any event, we hit this place hard. Given that this place is called Burrito Box, we took this place at its word and got after the burritos instead of some of the other stuff on the menu (we're ok passing on the taco salad). Final verdict: this place is a solid neighborhood spot, but not one we would necessarily travel very far to check out.

Our biggest issue with Burrito Box was that, ultimately, they made gringo burritos. That is to say, they did things like put lettuce and black beans in their burritos, two items we promptly subbed out. For a spot to have legitimate burrito cred, it needs to have a very clear understanding of the difference between a wrap and a burrito. We also felt like the ingredients were pretty limited. The burritos came in variations of chicken and beef (there were spinach burritos but haha), but the place didn't even have pork. What's more, we feel like the best Mexican joints have disgusting fillings like lengua and cabeza that people never order, but that occupy menu space as a way to signal legitimacy. Not here

But all of that doesn't mean that the place was bad. It was still pretty good, but as Andrew put it, the place "seemed like what a real Mexican would put together for gringoes in New York City." Probably explains the tofu and seitan on the menu.

There were still things we liked, however. To begin with, these burritos are large. We haven't graduated to bringing a scale to the restaurants yet (though we are considering it), but we'd have to guess each of the burritos we had was a good 16 ounces. Another thing we liked was the chips they have. To begin with, they're free. More importantly, though, they're homemade and appropriately greasy. These guys with some of the house pico is a great way to wait on your burrito. But, taking everything together, we just didn't feel like this place elevated itself above the typical "pretty good" NYC burrito place.

Prologue

Chicken Ranchero Burrito

Like the other two burritos we had, this one came with pinto beans, rice, cheese, and sour cream, though we had to request pinto beans instead of black beans and ask for lettuce to be left out. (Note: refried pinto beans > pinto beans > black beans. Always.) Unlike the other two burritos, we left feeling underwhelmed by this one. Generally speaking, we'd avoid chicken burritos altogether, but they don't have carnitas or pork al pastor on the menu and we'd heard this one was good. Frankly, this one was the epitome of a gringo burrito. Nothing really stood out and on the whole it felt mostly uninspired - good for lunch at your desk, but not remarkable otherwise.

Steak Burrito

The steak burrito had the exact same ingredients as the chicken ranchero (except with steak, obviously), so we'll save you the list of ingredients. Put simply, we liked this one a lot more. Steak burritos are almost always better than chicken burritos, but this wasn't merely a case of "steak is better than chicken." With this one, we actually thought the steak was really good. The big, tender chunks of steak were actually reminiscent of some of the tri-tip burritos we grew up with. The next bite in that picture above was a winner.

Chili con Carne Burrito

So we've never heard of a "chili con carne burrito" and, to be honest, we were a little skeptical going in. The whole thing sounded a little Tex-Mex (read: not very good) to us, but given the lack of other interesting burrito options on the menu, we thought we'd give this one a try. We're happy we did. The mix of well-spiced ground beef chili with the rest of the typical burrito ingredients went really well. Though we felt like this thing could have fallen apart at any moment, we felt like this was the clear winner. If you go to Burrito Box, you should be getting this.

Epilogue

Burrito Box by the Numbers

Items of Our Lady of Guadalupe Paraphernalia: Not-a-one (dead giveaway that the spot's meant for gringoes)

Salsas/Hot Sauces: One homemade; two bottled

Flavors of Jarritos: seven

Born in East LA: Lupe's Reviewed

Lupe's East L.A. Kitchen (map)

For a Mexican joint to toss "East L.A." into its title is to set a pretty high bar. Now we haven't actually spent much time in East LA, but we imagine the Mexican there is all the more special (the Latino Walk of Fame is there, in case you were wondering). In the case of Lupe's, they deliver on the promise, albeit from a corner in SoHo. Our pal Ian (pictured below murdering a carnitas taco) remarked, "I feel like I'm in Grand Theft Auto being in this place," and he's spot on. The combination of the food, the decor, and the unbelievable playlist (heavy on the Earth, Wind & Fire) made us feel like we were back in the days of Fernandomania.

Going beyond the ambience, the food at this place is just mean. Nearly everything our waitress, Catalina, brought out of the kitchen was directly on point. And, though we didn't dabble in the extensive tequila selection, the place looks like it knows its way around a margarita. Bottom line, this place needs to be on your to-do list.

One of the first things we noticed was Lupe's strong hot sauce game. Any restaurant with two flavors of Yucateco and Bufalo is in it to win it. But God help you if you over-apply the Yucateco.

Guacamole

Like anybody with a shred of good sense, we kicked things off with a plate of guac and, we have to be honest, we were underwhelmed. To begin with, we thought having the guac on top the shredded lettuce actually made it kind of difficult to eat. It was tough to scoop the stuff onto a chip and, once it was on, there was a high risk that the lettuce would fall off the chip and into your lap... not ideal. Guac is supposed to be easy.

The guac itself had a good tanginess due to a liberal application of lime, but we felt it was a little punchless otherwise. The stuff could have used more jalapeno, for sure, and probably a little more onion. Ian figured that, because we're gringos, we were given the mild version. We hope not because that'd be profiling.

One thing we did like about the guac was the pool of salsa verde in the middle. Not a move we usually see, but one that has legs - stuff was good. All in all, however, you'd be fine skipping the guac and getting to the main event.

Tacos de carnitas

We're obviously suckers for a good carnitas taco and these were legit. It starts strong with Nixtamal corn tortillas and steps things up with awesome little chunks of shredded pork. Carnitas can so often be super greasy and/or dry, but the meat here was nice and tender. The taco itself came with diced onions and cilantro (naturally), but the salsa verde and pico turned these guys into some next level stuff. Don't believe us? Ask Ian:

Fella went H.A.M. on these bad boys. You will too.

Cheese Enchiladas

Andrew's theory (and a damn good one) is that the measure of a Mexican restaurant is its enchiladas. Can they make a good sauce? Does the tortilla hold up? In this case, the enchiladas were strong and were exactly what we were hoping for when we ate at Tehuitzingo. The thing came out on a molten hot plate with refried beans (key) and rice and we have to say, the enchilada sauce was awesome - smoky with a tinge of spice. The tortilla - again, from Nixtamal - held up nicely after being soaked in bubbling sauce and the Oaxaca cheese was basically liquified. Heaping a little bit of everything on that plate onto the fork for a single bite was a particularly strong move to the hoop.

If Andrew's enchilada theory is, in fact, correct, then Lupe's measures up.

Chili Verde Burrito

Now we've never had a chili verde burrito before - we weren't sure if it was going to be a burrito covered in a salsa verde or a burrito full of green chilis - but we took a chance and ordered it. Luckily for us, it was probably the best thing we had. Turns out, it's a burrito stuffed with poblano peppers, black beans, onions, and sour cream and covered with salsa verde. The first thing about this burrito is that it brought the heat, but it wasn't exactly spicy. Instead, we could kind of feel this thing slowly raising our body temperatures as we were eating it... and we liked that. You will too. If you get one thing here, get this and enjoy the strange yet rewarding sensory experience.

Huevos Rancheros

This was a brunch meal, so huevos rancheros absolutely had to be in the mix. Couple of fried eggs - perfectly runny yokes - on top of refried beans and corn tortillas, all covered in a mild pepper salsa. Not a lot to dislike there. The grown man move was to douse this thing in some of the Bufalo salsa habanero. Like the enchiladas, this dish made for awesome, loaded forkfuls and, once it was all done, there were lots of good leftovers - yoke, beans, salsa - on the plate for the rice to soak up. All together, solid if not life-changing. If you like huevos rancheros, you'll enjoy this.

Chocolate

For those out there who aren't familiar with Mexican hot chocolate, it's basically hot chocolate with the addition of vanilla bean, nutmeg, and cinnamon. Yeah, next level. It's usually served with a churro, which we skipped, but Lupe's chocolate was delicious. It was also hotter temperature-wise than the core of the earth. They could probably stand to prepare the drink at a few thousand centigrade cooler, but once it was drinkable, it was great.

Lupe's by the numbers

Items of Our Lady of Guadalupe paraphernalia: 1

Hot sauce/ salsa varieties: 2 homemade salsas; 6 bottled hot sauces

Flavors of Jarritos: 3

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