way too many feels

36. Pacifist liberal introvert feminist cat-lady knitter.

[anxietyproblem]

[anxietyproblem]

Instagram

[probablyfoxyjourneys]

I feel called out!

[screenshotsofdespair]

[mando-lore]

2020 mood

[morbidology]

You are against the death penalty aren't you? Can you explain why? I just don't understand why anybody would be against it...

I’m against it because capital punishment is a heinous remnant of governments past and it really has no part in modern society. Capital punishment isn’t a deterrent to crime, innocent people may - and have - been executed, it costs more for someone to be sent to death row than it would if they were sentenced to life without parole, death sentences aren’t fair as someone could have killed 50 people could get life imprisonment while someone who has killed only one person could get sentenced to death, it’s racist, being sentenced to life in prison also stops them from committing crimes so what’s the point in killing them? Capital punishment is purely about revenge and only creates more victims. It also makes absolutely no sense to kill someone for killing someone. To agree with the “an eye for an eye” logic is illogical, hypocritical, and extremely archaic.

There is an infectious presence of racism in the death penalty and racial disparities plague the justice system. There have been countless studies that indicate racial bias when it comes to sentencing. The Baldus study showed that defendants of colour were 1.7 times more likely to receive the death penalty than white defendants in similar murder cases. It also showed that murderers of colour with white victims were 4.3 times more likely to be sentenced to death than whites that killed people of colour under similar circumstances. A 2007 study in Connecticut showed that defendants of colour receive the death penalty at three times the rate of white defendants. In Philadelphia, the same study found that defendants of colour are four times more likely to be sentenced to death than whites. This same study has been replicated in a number of other states and showed very similar results - people of colour are given the death penalty more often than whites. There was not once State in America that indicated otherwise. There is a clear pattern of evidence that indicates racial disparities in the charging, sentencing, and imposition of the death penalty in America. In fact, DA of Texas Chuck Rosenthal resigned after sending and receiving a number of racist emails regarding the death penalty - out of the 32 cases he sought the death penalty, 29 defendants were people of colour.

The department of corrections stated that housing death row inmates costs more than twice as much as life imprisonment inmates. The average cost of defending in a federal death case is around 8 times more expensive than in which the death penalty is not sought. Texas, for example, is spending $2.3 million PER death row case. California would save approximately $90 million per year if they were to abolish the death penalty. This money could go towards something more beneficial, such as victim advocacy and assisting in solving crimes.It’s a waste of money. Literally hundreds of millions of dollars are being wasted on a response to murder which is calculated to be carried out on a small amount of unlucky people per year and which has done nothing to stem the rise in murder, which is therefor ineffective.

Murder is a heinous act, regardless of who has committed it and it should not be sanctioned by the government for any reason. Life imprisonment is punishment -  punishment that doesn’t see innocent people killed. People tend to forget that the children, grandchildren, parents and spouses of murderers on death row are just as innocent as the victim and their family. The death penalty just causes more trauma and heartache for loved ones. Furthermore, the appeal process is a long and winding process and keeps the killer in the media and keeps opening up old wounds. Life imprisonment means they are locked away and quietly forgotten about. Capital punishment makes people infamous.

The death penalty isn’t as black and white as some people like to imagine, and I chose to not support a racist, biased, hypocritical, flawed system that has sent many innocent men to their deaths as opposed to a system which is more effective and less barbaric in which inmates are sentenced to life imprisonment. Furthermore, I believe that capital punishment violates the eighth amendment’s prohibition on cruel and unusual punishment.

[anxietyproblem]

[inqilabi]

Um this woman is living the dream

[inaminadikaaa]

Oh my god she really is

[podencos]

I want what she has

[sixohthree]

The other half of this post. Definitely NTA but I am super jealous of her set up!!

[ahs-64]

saying ‘’im tired’’ when you’re actually sad

[tularemia-deactivated20190509]

diet soda isn’t gross

[tularemia-deactivated20190509]

i got told to go fuck myself so reblog this post and tell me your opinion on: diet soda, mayonnaise, mushrooms, glazed donuts, and egg salad

[havanasliu]

men will watch the most trash shit ever released but when it comes to a girl squad movie it needs to meet the highest bar to be considered watchable and worthy of their oh so valuable time lol i have to laugh

[astrangeenchantedboy]

i was thinking abt that earlier bc my coworker said "so birds of prey doesn't look very good" and i said "i don't care if it's the most trash ass movie ever made, i'm excited and i'm GONNA watch it!" he said "what, just because they're women" and i said "uh. yeah."

especially in genres, women are held to a weirdly high standard. there are like eight fucking movies where tom cruise plays himself in ridiculous high-stakes spy settings and no one bitches that they're unrealistic or stupid or whatever but margot robbie does it once and suddenly it's all about the integrity of the art.

[deeperwells]

Men will fully see 11 Fast and Furious movies and 7 spinoffs to “support the boys” or whatever but the second a girl movie comes out theyre all film majors

[thecatladyknits]

Literally ridiculous. This may have been the final straw for D. He loves wonton soup and the price here is absurd. Another (maybe silly) reason to move back home!!

[thecatladyknits]

Cost of Living Calculator | Seattle, WA vs. Cleveland, OH | NerdWallet

Compare the cost of living in Seattle, WA vs. Cleveland, OH and see how far your salary will go to maintain your standard of living. We help you decide by comparing all the largest costs: housing, gas, food, and healthcare.

i know the reasons why we moved here when we decided to do it and we knew it was more expensive. but at this point, as things here have been so miserable and such a huge mess, and looking at how CRAZY expensive it is here, i just ask myself, why the fuck did we move?! 64% more expensive housing!!! what the fuck!!! even out where we are, no longer in seattle proper, it is cheaper, but it’s still probably 50% more expensive. whyyyyyyyy

i wish we were moving back now. i know why we’re waiting at least a year but i just want to go home. what a fucking waste. 

[thecatladyknits]

even though D is “semi-retired” (he quit his FT corporate job in 2018), he is still consulting through his own business. all his clients are in cleveland still and he has no plans to grow it out here in WA. last week, one of his clients wants him to be the Chief Information Security Officer (like a c-suite exec who reports directly to the CEO), and he’s already been doing that role for another client. so he would be CISO for TWO clients in cleveland. he was telling me all about it and offhand said something like “some things would be easier to do in person, but whatever blah blah” and like just kept talking like normal. 

i had a wave of hope and relief. there it is. a “legitimate” reason to go back. his career is moving up and we need to be in this place so he can succeed, whatever whatever. he doesn’t TRULY have to, since they already want him to do it while he’s remote and they’ve made no demands or expectations of that to change. but i can use that. it’s real. it’s not just “things were too hard so we left” and feel like a fucking failure. i suppose there’s a part of me that lightly worries others will be judgmental like “oh she couldn’t hack it, she’s weak and couldn’t handle anything even slightly challenging.” but mostly i need it for myself, so it is not on me to have made this big mistake and have D resent me for it. i know i cannot make D do anything he doesn’t want to do, so i shouldn’t worry that i’m somehow ‘forcing’ him to do anything. he genuinely seems like he wants to go back too, that the cost and the inconvenience and loneliness of living here isn’t worth it, or at the very least, he isn’t enjoying it as much as he thought and that alone makes it a waste of money.

we are staying at least another year though. we want to have an outdoorsy summer and see the state, and we want to host thanksgiving here in the fall. plus, according to capital gains tax rules (i think?) there’s a 2 year window after you buy a house where you could get fucked on taxes if you sell it again. or something i don’t quite understand. so we need to wait until at least feb 2021 before we try to sell the house. it isn’t 100% decided, but it feels about 90% likelihood that we’ll go back to cleveland. 

i really, really, really hope that happens. this hasn’t worked out at all. the future has felt like a black hole of failure and so many unknowns and a big question mark. there’s a spark of hope and a possible path to something good.

cleeevelaaaaand!! i miss you!!!

[thecatladyknits]

i woke up this morning to D having sent me like 15 houses for sale in the cleveland area. i liked or loved all of them, which is great that we would be on the same page if we were to buy a house there. but more importantly, this is so encouraging. he’s not just placating me. and not that we will buy a house now or even in those specific areas or even at all (he still owns the condo where we lived and is renting it out at the moment)... but he’s looking, independent of me trying to convince him or talking about it constantly, etc. he wants this too. i mean, i’m pretty sure he does? sometimes he randomly looks for houses in hawaii and belize and shit like that, but that’s real pipe-dreaming. nobody looks for a house in the rural/’burbs of cleveland unless they kinda mean it. no insult to cleveland, of course i love it there and it is home to me and i miss it with all my heart. just saying that it’s not a ‘dream destination’ people put on their bucket list.

i know i need to be careful about my feelings and ideas. i need to not assume anything with D and keep things open and honest between us. i need to remember to enjoy or at least make the best of the time we’re still here, and until we sign some type of paperwork for movers or with house buyers or anything else... nothing is guaranteed. there have been too many times in my life when i’ve been in a crappy moment and can’t wait to get out of that moment, and i make it crappier by being impatient and expecting the moment that the big thing i’m waiting for happens, everything will be perfect and magical. a) it is never as magical as i think it will be, even if it is better instead of worse b) it makes the time between then and now absolutely MISERABLE. i become a cranky and single-focused person. i say and do things i wouldn’t do otherwise. 

in the months of 2017/2018 leading up to knowing we were moving from cleveland to seattle, i was an angry and mean person. i insulted everything about cleveland and the midwest and probably hurt a lot of my friends’ feelings. i didn’t go to the gym or eat healthy or take care of myself, bc i told myself that once we got to seattle, everything would be amazing and i would start over then. i gained weight, i didn’t spend time with people i love and respect that i met at the gym, i felt depressed and lethargic and did nothing about it when exercise would have helped. i didn’t spend enough time with friends i love and i didn’t realize how much i would miss them... i also didn’t see and feel that they loved and would miss ME. i thought no one cared that i was leaving and didn’t understand what i was leaving behind. 

i HAVE TO do better this year. i have to be careful not to get to wrapped up in an idea that may not happen in the time or in the way i expect. i have to be present instead of always hoping and waiting for a mythical future where everything is better and i’m happy. i have to make my own happiness.

but goddamn if the idea of moving back to cleveland (with REAL backing to it, especially from D) doesn’t lift my spirits 200%

[thecatladyknits]

even though D is “semi-retired” (he quit his FT corporate job in 2018), he is still consulting through his own business. all his clients are in cleveland still and he has no plans to grow it out here in WA. last week, one of his clients wants him to be the Chief Information Security Officer (like a c-suite exec who reports directly to the CEO), and he’s already been doing that role for another client. so he would be CISO for TWO clients in cleveland. he was telling me all about it and offhand said something like “some things would be easier to do in person, but whatever blah blah” and like just kept talking like normal. 

i had a wave of hope and relief. there it is. a “legitimate” reason to go back. his career is moving up and we need to be in this place so he can succeed, whatever whatever. he doesn’t TRULY have to, since they already want him to do it while he’s remote and they’ve made no demands or expectations of that to change. but i can use that. it’s real. it’s not just “things were too hard so we left” and feel like a fucking failure. i suppose there’s a part of me that lightly worries others will be judgmental like “oh she couldn’t hack it, she’s weak and couldn’t handle anything even slightly challenging.” but mostly i need it for myself, so it is not on me to have made this big mistake and have D resent me for it. i know i cannot make D do anything he doesn’t want to do, so i shouldn’t worry that i’m somehow ‘forcing’ him to do anything. he genuinely seems like he wants to go back too, that the cost and the inconvenience and loneliness of living here isn’t worth it, or at the very least, he isn’t enjoying it as much as he thought and that alone makes it a waste of money.

we are staying at least another year though. we want to have an outdoorsy summer and see the state, and we want to host thanksgiving here in the fall. plus, according to capital gains tax rules (i think?) there’s a 2 year window after you buy a house where you could get fucked on taxes if you sell it again. or something i don’t quite understand. so we need to wait until at least feb 2021 before we try to sell the house. it isn’t 100% decided, but it feels about 90% likelihood that we’ll go back to cleveland. 

i really, really, really hope that happens. this hasn’t worked out at all. the future has felt like a black hole of failure and so many unknowns and a big question mark. there’s a spark of hope and a possible path to something good.

cleeevelaaaaand!! i miss you!!!

[thecatladyknits]

relief

i don’t care that this is TMI. it’s a fucking blessing.

since getting the paragard IUD removed, my period is LESS THAN HALF as long and A THIRD as heavy. also almost no PMS cramps and very mild during. i literally didn’t have cramps this time until the same day it began.

for around 5 years, i had periods that lasted 10 days, and now i’m at 4 with my heaviest days being equivalent to a light day w/ the IUD. i won’t be graphic but i went through A LOT of sanitary products and stained a lot of clothes. 

i also had my period when traveling on two of the longest trips i’ve ever done - on the return trip from Egypt (18 hours) and the outgoing trip to India (28 hours). which are both countries that have different toilet/plumbing situations than the US. absolutely miserable.

so thankful that i don’t have to do that shit anymore. but it also makes me so angry how shitty the resources are for healthy birth control that doesn’t fuck up your body. i never wanted kids so i am fine with sterilization. but it is permanent, which isn’t a solution for everyone and the cost is not accessible for a lot of people. i am fortunate that i am insured and can kind of afford it (though random bills keep coming that are expensive and irritating and fuck the US healthcare system for not being transparent about the actual costs). 

for years, i tried multiple types of hormonal BC and they had different combinations of fucking up my skin, my mood, my libido and my goddamn vagina (dryyyyy). then, i decided on a non-hormonal IUD, which caused HEAVY, LONG, CRAMPY periods, plus lots of mid-cycle spotting, made me more susceptible to BV, which i did not know beforehand and have had at least 3 times, which is very embarrassing, smelly and painful at time, which the antibiotics to treat caused a yeast overgrowth *on my skin* (can also cause vaginal yeast infections, hooray) that was absolutely humiliating and doctors didn’t believe me or cared (i researched it myself bc they kept calling it acne and asked me if i was showering properly #thanks, and when i finally got somebody to prescribe me an anti-fungal, it went away BECAUSE IT WASN’T ACTUALLY ACNE #THANKSAGAIN #ANDFUCKYOU) 

SO! yeah. anyway. i am so fucking glad i have a normal period again. fuck. what hell i put myself through. what shitty options women have. ridiculous.

[anxietyproblem]

Instagram

[trashcaninspotlight-deactivated]

Be able to talk to the three people I eat lunch with

[flightofthefantasies]

Have a life?

[beardburnsupersoldiers]

I'd feel so much more confident about being social, taking chances, and do much better with change.

[thecatladyknits]

Enjoy literally anything without finding all the potential flaws and ways things could go wrong and being scared, discouraged and giving up

[whitepeopletwitter]

[birble-bobble]

Yeah so the Big Think is literally owned by big oil. They’re making shit up so people feel too exhausted to fight for any change. Ignore this kind of environmental nihilism, all it does it help the rich avoid change.

[dankmemesreasonforliving]