The Chaff

www.thechaff.co

[thechaff]

10 reasons you should move to Eritrea today!

#8. President Isaias Afewerki is a one man wrecking ball.

[thechaff]

What happens when you steal a poster from a train station in Russia? Well if you’re a critic of the government, it likely means you’re going to jail for a long time.

Georgy Alburov, who not so long ago investigated the suspicious holdings of some of Putin’s top advisers, is learning that lesson the hard way.

We take a bit of a satirical view in the piece discussing the trial... because art is sacred, after all.

[thechaff]

President Sisi of Egypt takes pride in his powers of persuasion. A classic example: in a negotiation with the chief executive of the German company Seimens, he said, “Kindly reduce your profit margin; I need this from you!”

In honor of the return of Mad Men, we discuss Sisi’s similarities to Don Draper.

[thechaff]

China wants to determine how the Dalai Lama reincarnates, which is fucked up: If there’s anyone that deserves to decide on their spiritual legacy, you’d think it’s the Dalai Lama.

A supporter of the Dalai describes how he’s got the Dalai’s back for life(s).

[thechaff]

If you don’t believe in Western medicine, look no further than The Gambia for all of your homeopathic needs!

That’s where the Gambia Wellness Foundation (GWF), a London-based charity, set up shop five years ago. Since then, Colin Freeman of the Telegraph reports that the GWF’s mainly British volunteers have “treated” tens of thousands of people, suffering from malaria and dysentery—as well as a false understanding of what medicine actually is—with various homeopathic remedies.

Indeed, President Yahyeh Jammeh (you know, the guy who found the herbal cure to HIV) has been so pleased with the GWF’s work that he now houses its volunteers in a mansion that belonged to one of his ex-wives. What a guy!

[thechaff]

Mother Russia has had Enough of You, USA Big Pigs

[Original post here]

USA was once gold beacon for lover of mankind. Now? It is home to giant guinea pig sadist.

“United States is experimentaling geopolitically, using people like guinea pigs,” said great man Sergey Mikheev, director of Kremlin-allied Center for Current Politic—aka Center for What is Great about Great Nation—on state-run talk show last year, only program I watch.

“They treat us all in same way”—yes, this is true—“threatening not only world stability but existence of every human being on the planet,” he said too, raising interesting conundrum for me: I fear nothing, but if there no human beings left to fear, of what, then, can I say I am not afraid? Tigers? Bears? Guinea pigs?! Do not insult me.

Alas, it is too late for that. Michael Birnbaum, propagandist for the Washington Post (saying those three words makes me sick, especially “the”) explains that everybody here—from blessed ordinary street vendor, all the way up to sacred Kremlin—is hating USA more than ever.

USA didn’t help very much itself when recently they killed traitorous, always wrong, fierce stupid critic of Kremlin, Boris Nemtsov. It is obvious CIA did it, and not those patriots arrested for doing great crime and favor to us all.

Stupid move, Americans! More than 80 percent of Russian patriots now hold negative view of you, highest number ever since very scientific studies begun in 1988.

So Goodbye Gucci, adios FUBU! In clothing drives we are having now, I exchanged my Western rags for Russian red, blue, and white tracksuit, which I wear as I drink Russian-made soft drink in one hand—no more Coca Cola!—and very strong espresso in my other hand (in solidarity with my brothers in Crimea, where you now have less luck finding pussy Americanos at coffee shop—we’ll shoot you down too, Starbucks!).

Low point with USA relations has been arriving for some time. First there was the bombing of Serbia in 1999 with putrid NATO, then came USA’s arrogant war in Iraq, and don’t forget the baby-like sulking over our so-called “conflict” with Georgia!

But last year? When American takeover of Ukraine forced us to defend brothers in Crimea, we officially start feeling very nasty.

“Starting from about 1989, we completely reorient toward the West. We looked at them as future paradise. We expected once we had done all they demanded, we’d dance for them and they would finally hug and kiss us and we would merge in ecstasy”—yes, a beautiful dream I can still remember—said Evgeny Tarlo, sacred member of Russia’s upper parliament house.

Instead, like Evgeny said on other lovely Russian talk show, the West has been wanting to destroy Russia. But we will strike them right where it hurts: in a Big Mac!

This is why after America forced my country’s very firm, kind hand in Crimea, in retaliation we closed McDonalds for health violation—which I admit was total bullshit: I dare you to say I could not digest any hamburger, no matter how gross. But now reopened, McDonald’s knows who is boss.

Case in point: Last week, in heart of Moscow, their billboard read, “Made in Russia, for Russians.”

Who’s got the gold beacon arches now, motherfuckers?

[thechaff]

The newly-elected government of New Delhi has committed itself to combatting what has become an epidemic of sexual assault in the city—and it’s turning to Big Brother for help.

Yes, the city has decided to tackle the problem with the purchase of one million new surveillance cameras intended to discourage would-be rapists.

“The cameras help police catch the culprits, and that can act as a deterrent eventually,” explained Rajan Bhagat, a spokesman for Delhi police, who, like me, takes a “maybe-it’ll-go-away-tomorrow?” approach to dealing with serious problems.

However a solution is needed now.

[thechaff]

Uh as it turns out that doesn’t actually work, especially as a preventative treatment for AIDS.

[thechaff]

Do yourself a favor: the next time you go to KFC, don’t bring Shahid King Bolsen, no matter how angelic his face is.

Bolsen, a 43-year-old American convert to Islam currently living in Instanbul, views corporations as complicit in the Egyptian military coup that took place in July of 2013, led by now President Abdel Fattah el-Sisi.

He particularly hates the Vanguard Group, a major shareholder in KFC’s parent company, which he sees as the military’s Achilles heel; push them hard enough and maybe, just maybe, they could transform Sisi into a lowly dish washer.

“When you strike KFC, or any of their companies, your message goes directly to the top of the pyramid,” Bolsen wrote on January 31st. “If the investors who work through Vanguard alone are convinced that the coup cannot secure their capital, they easily have the power to demote Sisi from the presidency of Egypt, to washing dishes at KFC.”

[thechaff]

Prime Minister Victor Orban of Hungary has singled out at least seven NGOs for tax investigation and overseen the auditing of several others. Coincidentally, all the targeted organizations have produced reports critical of Orban’s government, with topics ranging from government corruption to human rights abuses.

The crackdown on NGOs began about a year ago and has continued since. 

Orban has also used his power to make changes to the Hungarian constitution so as to legally define the word “family” as a married heterosexual couple with children. Notably, the definition doesn’t specify which species has to be married, so it’s a blow to gay rights but a victory for married deer.

[thechaff]

Hurry, While Prices Last — Great Deal on North Korean Slavery! This promotion may or may not last forever.

(A satirical piece from The Chaff)

[thechaff]

Some people think that Red Cross volunteers are working to contain the spread of Ebola in West Africa. Others think that they’re spraying the virus around like champagne.

“They put the virus in the water and spray it around the village, or when they take away the sick, the medication they give them contains Ebola,” said Lah Wiemou, an elder in the village of Ouye, near Lola, Guinea and the most trustworthy source on the subject. “The Red Cross wants to kill us.”

More here: Red Cross Spraying Ebola in Guinea

[thechaff]

São Paulo is in the middle of its worst drought in nearly a century, and people are getting pissed.

Brazil encompasses one-eighth of the world’s fresh water supply, several huge dams, a large rainforest called the Amazon (perhaps you’ve heard of it?), and countless rivers—yet in São Paulo, they’ve still managed to fuck things up.

[thechaff]

Lars Vilks is a 68-year-old Swedish artist by day and a 68-year-old axe-wielding man by night. 

Why? He’s one of al-Qaeda’s most wanted men. 

[thechaff]

A conservative party on the rise in Pakistan is recommending changes to textbooks. Here are some of their proposals:

- Books for first- and second-graders will no longer contain pictures of Christmas trees or holiday cards

- Inscriptions of “we want peace” will be replaced with religious verses

- References to Helen Keller in ninth-grade lesson plans will be replaced with tales about Muhammed Iqbal, a 20th century poet and advocate for the creation of an independent Pakistani state. 

The changes are what you might call outrageous... but hear me out before you do!

[thechaff]

This guy, a Chinese billionaire, is looking to build a second Panama Canal except three times as long. And in Nicaragua.

On one hand, it’s may provide a critical boost to the Nicaraguan economy.

On the other, “If this government isn’t capable of understanding the disaster that this is going to be for this country,” a farmer warned, then violence “is going to be the only solution.”

Still, I’m leaning towards saying the canal is a good idea–if only because as my mom often assures me about my own conception, some mistakes turn out alright.

[thechaff]

Interested in winning a free trip to Haiti? These kids aren’t either.

However following the passage of a new law, the Bahamian government has begun descending into various areas, detaining a few hundred people at a time, and arresting anyone who cannot produce their papers on the spot. 

Undocumented Haitian immigrants are the most at risk.