A Journey through Recovery

This blog began with a focus on recovery from codependency, primarily referencing what I've learned from Melody Beattie's book, Codependent No More. However, I want to begin to include some of the insights I've gained from other helpful sources regarding recovery in other areas of my life. Feel free to message me if you have questions/comments/concerns, or just to share your own journey.

[thecodependent-blog]

Over the past two decades, I've learned that what I really need is a 'Vulnerability Anonymous' meeting; a gathering place for people who like to numb the feelings that come with not having control, swimming in uncertainty, or cringing from emotional exposure. When I wiped the nostalgia off my history to uncover the real trauma behind many of [the family stories about 'hard living' I grew up hearing], I began to understand why we didn't talk about emotions growing up. Of all the things trauma takes away from us, the worst is our willingness, or even our ability, to be vulnerable.

Brené Brown, Rising Strong

[hellomzlady]

No.

I’m sorry, but I have to disagree here.

Yes, these things can mean “I love you.” But they can also mean manipulation, passive-aggression, controlling, i.e. “emotional abuse”. The best way to say “I love you” is to say it— in whatever language, be it spoken or signed— say the words “I love you.”

Seriously, after all my efforts in working through my codependency issues with my manipulative, passive-aggressive family (and multiple past personal and romantic relationships of a similar toxic nature), I’ve had enough of crap like this.

Honestly, all that stuff up there looks more like micromanaging than saying “I love you.”

I think this would be better if it said, “There lots of ways to show someone you care, but the best way is to simply say ‘I love you’.”

[thecodependent-blog]

Worthy now. Not if. Not when. We are worthy of love and belonging NOW. Right this minute. As is.

Brené Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection  

[thecodependent-blog]

Practicing self-love means learning how to trust ourselves, to treat ourselves with respect, and to be kind and affectionate toward ourselves.

Brené Brown in The Gifts of Imperfection 

[thecodependent-blog]

I believe taking care of ourselves is an art, and this art involves one fundamental idea that is foreign to many: giving ourselves what we need.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[thecodependent-blog]

Self-care is an attitude toward ourselves and our lives that says, I am responsible for myself. I am responsible for leading or not living my life. I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being. I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs. I am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with those I cannot solve. I am responsible for my choices. I am responsible for what I give and receive. I am also responsible for setting and achieving my goals. I am responsible for how much I enjoy life, for how much pleasure I find in daily activities. I am responsible for whom I love and how I choose to express this love. I am responsible for what I do to others and for what I allow others to do to me. I am responsible for my wants and desires. All of me, every aspect of my being, is important. I count for something. I matter. My feelings can be trusted. My thinking is appropriate. I value my wants and needs. I do not deserve and will not tolerate abuse or constant mistreatment. I have rights, and it is my responsibility to assert these rights. The decisions I make and the way I conduct myself will reflect my high self-esteem. My decisions will take into account my responsibilities to myself.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[thecodependent-blog]

We may be in such emotional distress we think we have no life; all we are is our pain. That's not true. We are more than our problems. We can be more than our problems. We will be more than our problems. Just because life has been this painful so far doesn't mean it has to keep hurting. Life doesn't have to hurt so much, and it won't―if we begin to change. It may not be all roses from here on out, but it doesn't have to be all thorns either.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[thecodependent-blog]

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we feel so uncertain and vulnerable that we can't go about the business of living our own lives? Why, when we have proved we are so strong and capable by the sheer fact that many of us have endured and survived what we have, can't we believe in ourselves? Why, when we are experts at taking care of everybody around us, do we doubt our ability to take care of ourselves?

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[thecodependent-blog]

Whether codependents appear fragile and helpless, or sturdy and powerful, most of us are frightened, needy, vulnerable children who are aching and desperate to be loved and cared for.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[hellomzlady]

"There is little in our lives we need to do that we cannot do better if we are peaceful."

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself (via hellomzlady)

[thecodependent-blog]

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

[thecodependent-blog]

Codependent behaviors or habits are self-destructive. We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[thecodependent-blog]

What began as a little concern may trigger isolation, depression, emotional or physical illness, or suicidal fantasies. One thing leads to another, and things get worse. Codependency may not be an illness, but it can make you sick. And, it can help the people around you stay sick.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[hellomzlady]

I used to think that paired opposites were a given, that love was the opposite of hate, right the opposite of wrong. But now I think we sometimes buy into these concepts because it is easier to embrace absolutes than to suffer reality.

Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life (via hellomzlady)

[thecodependent-blog]

No single example illustrates the typical codependent or his or her experience. Codependency is complex. People are complex. Each person is unique, and each person's situation is different.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[thecodependent-blog]

Codependents aren't crazier or sicker than alcoholics. But, they hurt as much or more. They haven't cornered the market on agony, but they have gone through their pain without the anesthetizing effects of alcohol or other drugs, or the other high states achieved by people with compulsive disorders. And the pain that comes from loving someone who's in trouble can be profound.

Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

[hellomzlady]

"If somebody rejects you or your choices, you are still real, and you are still worth every bit as much as you would be if you had not been rejected."

Melody Beattie, in Codependent No More (via hellomzlady)