I want to cry in my own goddamn bedroom
but my roommates are home
and I’m scared I’ll be judged
So here I go
crying on park benches instead
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@thecolorsofmyheart
I want to cry in my own goddamn bedroom
but my roommates are home
and I’m scared I’ll be judged
So here I go
crying on park benches instead
I know that ‘consistency is key’
And we should strive to find the ‘balance’
but good god
how I love being extreme
I want to be too much for you
And not enough for you
All at the same time
I wear my heart on my sleeve
but I'm always wearing a jacket
how many conversations I have with you in my head
and god how I love you so much
and hope I never see you again
cause I miss the idea of you
baby please stay as you are
an illusion
an illusion
my pure delusion
The lord has poured his blessings
And the height of melancholy on me
For in the shape of the leaves
And the withered concrete
Every traveler's tale
I see you
what is a home but a time in space,
a place that you cannot erase
I need to pee
I tell myself to get up
my body does not obey
it starts off innocent
pleading
“just 10 more minutes”
“ok 10 minutes”
I need to pee
I tell myself
“go to the bathroom”
my body does not obey
I am cold
I don’t like the cold, it hurts me
I tell myself
“go to the bathroom”
my body does not obey
I am in pain now
something or someone is alerted and asks
“why are you doing this to yourself?”
Silence
Silence
more pain
once my body reaches it’s limit it gets up and begins the long and exhausting journey to the bathroom
I feel the chill of the air around me
I feel the cold inside and outside
the floor of the bathroom is tile and the heater is broken
I stand in front of the toilet unable to move
“pull your pants down, just do it and get it over with”
my body does not obey
I am in pain
I am in pain
I slowly begin to pull down my pants and feel the cold air directly on my skin, there is no barrier, nothing to protect me now, I am exposed
I lower my body and can’t bare to touch my skin to the porcelain
It would be too painful, too cold
I cannot bring myself to endure the sudden pain
one which shocks
my body gives in and obeys
I empty myself and my thighs get colder but there is some warmth
and warmth is what I was desperately craving
but I didn’t want it like this
it’s over and I try to clean myself up
I wash my hands and the water is freezing
I am in pain
I desperately need another taste of warmth and quickly turn the faucet
I slowly begin to feel the warmth radiating through my hands and stand there motionless trying to absorb it all
I don’t notice that it has started to burn me
I am stood frozen burning myself
but my mind is blank
there is someone or something screaming at me to do something,
to make it stop
but I am unable to move
eventually my body protests, turning off the water
The cold seeps back in and just as quickly I forget what warmth felt like
I am in pain and I am drained
I go back under the covers and lie there motionless, still cold inside
-
-
-
I need to pee
I have anchored your memory into the crevices of my mind
the thousands of conversations I’ve had with you
when they’ve all just been inside
-
sutures grown into flesh
a field of wildflowers grown rampantly
head in the clouds
floating through daydreams
feet grown soft
lungs grown weary
airs got thin
& my eyes are dreary
reminiscing on the scent
I have assigned to the memory of you
-
held onto everything you said
but didn’t listen to a word
waiting to see you
just to avoid you
& inhale it all in again
full of the juxtaposition of what was and now is
high strung and reckless
there’s no denying this anymore
dissociate through the separation
& daydream through all that ensues
a slice of heaven in reverse
attachments without vulnerability
no exposure cause I’m a coward
how much longer till this mind breaks in and calls it ours?
the glory of the hustler
jaded in the lime light
you shine so bright that I am blinded
only in darkness can I see the truth