mental health

poems, thoughts, feelings, sometimes chaotic, always honest

[thecolorsofmyheart]

I want to cry in my own goddamn bedroom

but my roommates are home

and I’m scared I’ll be judged

So here I go

crying on park benches instead

[thecolorsofmyheart]

I know that ‘consistency is key’

And we should strive to find the ‘balance’

but good god

how I love being extreme

I want to be too much for you

And not enough for you

All at the same time

[thecolorsofmyheart]

I wear my heart on my sleeve

but I'm always wearing a jacket

[thecolorsofmyheart]

how many conversations I have with you in my head

and god how I love you so much

and hope I never see you again

cause I miss the idea of you

baby please stay as you are

an illusion

an illusion

my pure delusion

[thecolorsofmyheart]

The lord has poured his blessings

And the height of melancholy on me

For in the shape of the leaves

And the withered concrete

Every traveler's tale

I see you

[thecolorsofmyheart]

what is a home but a time in space,

a place that you cannot erase

[thecolorsofmyheart]

I need to pee

I tell myself to get up 

my body does not obey

it starts off innocent

pleading

“just 10 more minutes”

“ok 10 minutes”

I need to pee

I tell myself

“go to the bathroom”

my body does not obey

I am cold

I don’t like the cold, it hurts me

I tell myself

“go to the bathroom”

my body does not obey

I am in pain now

something or someone is alerted and asks

“why are you doing this to yourself?” 

Silence

Silence

more pain

once my body reaches it’s limit it gets up and begins the long and exhausting journey to the bathroom

I feel the chill of the air around me

I feel the cold inside and outside

the floor of the bathroom is tile and the heater is broken

I stand in front of the toilet unable to move

“pull your pants down, just do it and get it over with”

my body does not obey

I am in pain

I am in pain

I slowly begin to pull down my pants and feel the cold air directly on my skin, there is no barrier, nothing to protect me now, I am exposed

I lower my body and can’t bare to touch my skin to the porcelain

It would be too painful, too cold

I cannot bring myself to endure the sudden pain

one which shocks

my body gives in and obeys

I empty myself and my thighs get colder but there is some warmth

and warmth is what I was desperately craving

but I didn’t want it like this

it’s over and I try to clean myself up

I wash my hands and the water is freezing

I am in pain

I desperately need another taste of warmth and quickly turn the faucet 

I slowly begin to feel the warmth radiating through my hands and stand there motionless trying to absorb it all

I don’t notice that it has started to burn me

I am stood frozen burning myself

but my mind is blank

there is someone or something screaming at me to do something,

to make it stop

but I am unable to move

eventually my body protests, turning off the water

The cold seeps back in and just as quickly I forget what warmth felt like

I am in pain and I am drained

I go back under the covers and lie there motionless, still cold inside

-

-

-

I need to pee

[thecolorsofmyheart]

I have anchored your memory into the crevices of my mind

the thousands of conversations I’ve had with you

when they’ve all just been inside

-

sutures grown into flesh

a field of wildflowers grown rampantly

head in the clouds

floating through daydreams

feet grown soft

lungs grown weary

airs got thin

& my eyes are dreary

reminiscing on the scent

I have assigned to the memory of you

-

held onto everything you said

but didn’t listen to a word

waiting to see you

just to avoid you

& inhale it all in again

[thecolorsofmyheart]

full of the juxtaposition of what was and now is

[thecolorsofmyheart]

high strung and reckless

[thecolorsofmyheart]

there’s no denying this anymore

[thecolorsofmyheart]

dissociate through the separation

& daydream through all that ensues

[thecolorsofmyheart]

a slice of heaven in reverse

[thecolorsofmyheart]

attachments without vulnerability

no exposure cause I’m a coward

how much longer till this mind breaks in and calls it ours?

[thecolorsofmyheart]

the glory of the hustler

[thecolorsofmyheart]

jaded in the lime light

[thecolorsofmyheart]

you shine so bright that I am blinded

only in darkness can I see the truth