Wow it's been a while since I used tumblr. Last time I changed this it said I was 20. I'm 23! Anyway, 23 and still British. Who knows what's on this blog anymore, it's been so very...very long.
There's a big difference between giving someone what they need and giving someone what you think they need. It doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person, or that you've done wrong. It's just that something needs to change
The ability to ruminate about irrationally awful outcomes of everyday activities. For example; if I don't get to sleep now I won't have enough sleep and I'll have the worst day imaginable. Everything will perish. EVERYTHING. OR They've stopped talking to me, it must be something I've done. It can't possibly be that they're busy, I've annoyed them, I've pushed them away, I AM THE WORST HUMAN IMAGINABLE. Cough. Causes: anxiety, over-thinking, over-analysing, being an ass? Helpful things to do: talk it out with someone, if they roll their eyes at you and tell you to get a grip it's probably not all that bad! XD
Harry Potterās biggest fear was fear itself. Apparently. And not the giant goobly monster that sucked your soul out through your mouth. But, my judgement on J. K. Rowling is immaterial right now. There are good fears and there are bad fears. Or at least there areĀ āusefulā fears andĀ ānon-usefulā fears. Useful fears are generally biologically advantageous; Fear of sharks, for example, is pretty damn useful. Fear of falling from really tall buildings also useful. Fear of milk is not so useful. I have no judgement for having a fear of milk, but unless youāre lactose intolerant then itās not all that useful.Ā
Below is personal rambling, feel free to scroll on now!
My fears arenāt useful, unfortunately.Ā
I have a fear of failure. A big one. I have a terrible fear of failing my friends, my family, everyone around me. I sit here and feel like a failure for teeny, tiny little things and itās like...dude, youāre not a failure! Academically I have a good undergraduate degree. I have an above average Masterās degree. How is that failure?! Family, I have so much more than most people and I am ashamed to say Iāve complained about them more than I should because I should be thankful that I have them. What youāre given is what you get and accepting it is hard. But, itās not a failure to struggle with them. Itās a failure to not be thankful for them if theyāre not bad. Yes, I have some family I donāt like and Iām not going to worry aboutĀ āfailingā them. But, theyāre not my problem. My problem is the big picture. Iām not a failure.
I have a fear of abandonment, but hey, weāve been through that and fuck that!
I have a fear of the future. I think thereās probably a name for that. But, dude, the futureās gonna happen and if Iām scared of it I should do something to change it! Some things canāt be changed and theyāre going to happen regardless, and thatās okay too. You pass that hurdle when you come to it, you donāt stop at every hurdle because you didnāt expect it. Take it in your stride, itāll all be okay bro, I promise. And by bro I mean me. Iām the bro. The future will happen, donāt let it happen, make it happen.Ā
I like ponies okay. Theyāre fluffy, but theyāre asses sometimes. Fluffy asses. Flasses.
Rant number two is over for today. Fear isnāt a bad thing, itās something you have to overcome to be stronger, not let it consume you.
This is just for me really, guys, itās just to help me. Iām trying something suggested to me as just a way of getting everything off my chest so read or donāt itās all good, bro. This stuff is quite personal so feel free to scroll on!
So, Iām trying to get better from some rather nasty bouts of depression. Iām not sure if itās complete depression or if itās just a stage of being depressed? Either way itās led to some nasty things. Itās led to a lot of crying, a lot of neediness, a lot of unloading on people who really donāt deserve it. Iām tired of thinking Iām broken when Iām just sad, of making mountains out of molehills. Itās stupid, it really is. Itās dramatic. Iām not a dramatic person. Iām emotional, but I used to be rational, I used to be pragmatic and happy. I can be that again. I WILL be that again.
They say the first step towards recovery is acceptance. I accept my problems. Firstly, I accepted I had a problem, and let me tell you that wasnāt easy! I fought so hard against the logic. The logic that I was just feeling a bit down today, that things would get better. I forgot about last time, thinking that I could pull myself out of it. I couldnāt. And I didnāt last time. Last time Mr Sertrolin helped for a while and it showed me that below the sadness was anger. Yes, I wasnāt on the drug for long, but it was the push I needed. I didnāt want to think I was back where I started. But, while I can accept that I have gotten into a terrible place, Iām not in the same place I was. This time around its different. Yes, Iām in need of help. I accept there is something that isnāt right with me, but Iām not like before. I can see the bigger picture and my picture has so much love in there. So much support. Iāve been through stages of feeling like no-one was there and itās really rather dumb because thereās always been someone there. Iāve been too blind to see it. One of my main problems has been focusing on the small things, putting so much stock, so much emphasis on things that are tiny. Take, for example, my currently masterās level which Iām sure Iāll talk about more later on. I had an awful time on it and to be honest I hated it. I liked that I was doing it, but I hated the way it was taught, examined, and organised. But, see here, I have come out with a merit, a 2:1 and why couldnāt I just see that the first time round, eh brain? Hey, I got a 2:1! Itās pretty freaking good, right?! PERSPECTIVE CHANGE 1: LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE
Second way to get better? Seek some help if you need it. Like I said, I needed some help last time, and while this downward spiral has been a lot to do with the small picture, the masters and another silly fear I have rather than a single, external influence, I can still do with some help. Itās not weak to ask for help. You might only need a few sessions. A few months before the grins are permanent rather than forced. But, itās NOT WEAK TO ASK FOR HELP. Itās not weak to ask for support from someone as long as you give it back. PERSPECTIVE CHANGE: SUPPORT IS THERE IF YOU LOOK FOR IT, IT WONāT BE THERE IF YOU CONSTANTLY REJECT IT
I think this is something to do with addicts, but one of the big things is righting your wrongs. One of the things Iāve noticed about myself recently is I attribute a lot of my bad habits, things which are really not nice for other people, to past events which are best left in the past. I thought it would be best to list the problems and the reasons I see them and then theyād be here. Iād have told someone (even if no-one is reading). Iāll have gotten everything off my chest and I donāt need to dwell on them anymore.Ā
I have terrible abandonment issues. I get very anxious when people stop talking to me, or if Iām in the middle of a conversation on text or IM and it just stops. Most of the time I can tell myself itās because people are busy, that they have their own lives to lead and itās nothing to do with me. When Iām having a good day I can tell myself this. When Iām having a bad day I forget this and my mind goes haywire. Which is silly! Itās just talking, no-oneās gone anywhere, no-oneās leaving me behind. This is the reason Iām gonna state now and thatāll be the end of it. When I was younger I had a boyfriend. He joined the military when we were eighteen and before he left we had a fight. It was a big one, insults were thrown, things were said. Things which have still haunted me to this day. Most of the things he said have really stuck and Iāve found them very hard to mount. He sadly died before I talked to him properly again. Weād talked, but it had been terrible, awkward, tense. Nothing like what we were. But, we never managed to resolve them. Iām like a dog with a bone now when an argument happens. I need it to end before the conversation does. I need the resolution. No, I donāt need it. I just want it. And thatās a very, very different thing. Me getting anxious about someone elseās actions is on me. PERSPECTIVE CHANGE: NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT ME. NOT EVERYTHING MEANS THAT IāVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, IT MIGHT BE A TINY MISTAKE.
Because of myĀ āneedā to resolve things before the conversation is over I can become rather, ironically, needy. I know I should just stop. I shouldnāt push, push, push. So many things would be better if I hadnāt pushed them because they were small. They were little things that would resolve themselves on their own. But, nooooo, the brain kept going. It said things without thinking and made the peak of Everest out of a teeny, tiny grain of sand. I can become smothering because of it. Talk to me. Talk to me. Talk to me. I need to analyse everything, every little thing and to be honest, I am very likely to come up with the wrong answer because Iāve over-analysed it. Iāve found a connection where there was none and Iām so far down the rabbit hole I canāt see the big picture again. PERSPECTIVE CHANGE: NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE ANALYSED. IT JUST NEEDS TO BE ENJOYED, MOLEHILLS ARE JUST MOLEHILLS.
The smothering thing is interesting because for a long time I didnāt realise I was being smothering. My brain had analysed it as beingĀ āyou need me. I must be there for you because you need me.ā And I needed to be needed. Ooph, thatās a sentence. Thing is, what I needed to be, to be needed (sorry for that sentence too) was not what I thought. I thought I had to be everything for someone. I thought I had to try and be their sun, moon, and stars. How silly is that? I just needed to be there! I just needed to be a friend, A loving, loving friend. And I do love them. I have feelings, but theyāre of wonderment love. Theyāre of awed love. Theyāre not necessarily romantic. Not in the way of Iām your girlfriend. I love their mind, their logic, their personality. I love who they are. I want to protect that. I think Iāve seemed very much like Iāve been trying to keep them to myself, but Iāve hoped so much that they could blossom with my help. I didnāt want to keep them to myself, I always wanted them to find other people, to explore. I wanted to help them do that, as theyāve helped me. And wow have they over the past two years! Itās amazing when you look at the big picture (funny how thatās the answer, eh!) I know Iāve helped. I know in the long run Iāve helped. In the short term Iāve been a bit of an ass with my head shoved so far up something that itās been like trying to look at the world through a telescope. Throw away the telescope! Stop looking at things through a keyhole, thereās a whole world out there to see! I have helped this person in the past three years. And theyāve helped me so much. I have to remember that. PERSPECTIVE CHANGE: NOT EVERYTHING HAS BEEN BAD. THE BIG PICTURE HAS BEEN WONDERFUL.
I do need to be needed. But, like anyone I just need to be needed as a friend. There are things in this friendship that are unique, and I believe those will come back with time. Iām not a hugely patient person. This has shown. But, thatās another thing to work on. Writing this is helping with the patience because itās something for me to do. Itās something for me to help myself think without being self-depreciation. What Iām doing here isnāt beating myself up, itās knowing how I can change the perspective, not change who I am. Itās finding who I am today.
I lost a lot of confidence recently and itās so dumb. I can get it back. I can do so much! I can achieve so much! I am worthwhile and I deserve so much more than my damn brain has been giving me!Ā I am not useless, stupid, ugly or not sexually attractive. I am me. Iām not going to be anything else. Iām me. And this is my bloody beginning.
A small lump of potassium reacting with water to create potassium hydroxide and hydrogen. The reaction is very exothermic, and the heat ignites the hydrogen, making a big explosion.
kaledo-art
blakekathryn
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