I questioned my sanity in writing all this down for the record, but a brilliant friend of ours once told me if I don't let my emotions out..I'll never heal. You should be so happy, Tom. Everyone seems to have the life they wanted back, true love, new babies, new businesses, new pets. I think it's everything we wanted for our friends.Today marks one month to the end of our chapter, or at least what now looks to be an end. I haven't really been sad, I've purposely tried not be. You and Austin are two of the best men Karis and I will ever know. We're still so confused, I feel awful because I know I comprehend it so much better than her sweet little mind does. She misses having someone sneak up on her, or the sound of your voice reading bed time stories. I know that because she says I don't make the character voices right. Even though I'm angry right now, I want you to know how refreshing it is to say that. I am so fucking mad at you, I've avoided every attempt to reach out or otherwise because I love you but I don't like you right now. I feel like finally saying that allows me to breathe, a little.You showed me that I can do this though, I can have two kids. I can be strong, sweet and brave. I'm not my mom and if anything has proved that, it's been this month. The sun doesn't always rise the same way it did, but after enough time..you get used to it and that little difference in the colors stretched out in the sky isn't as noticeable. I see the blues and the grays and I have no one to thank other than you. I don't say it to hurt you, I say it because some part of me wants you to know we will be okay. Don't feel guilty, but know that I will grow like weed and that see things so differently. Know that I forgive you, even if I'm having trouble with it right now. Know that we won't forget either of you and that I love Austin like my own. Remember that even though you're not here, I won't forget the months I had with you both..and I won't forget all of the lessons I've learned because of it. Maybe this isn't a goodbye, maybe it's a see you one day. I like to believe that I will see you again, and that will relieve the ache in my bones. Give Austin hugs for me, every night but don't say they are from me. Let me be a distant memory, if that's what he needs.Put him first, Tom. I know you always have and I hope you always will. Don't forget us, or our pillow forts, or the first batch of cinnamon rolls I ever made you.So I guess here is to one month on my own, and a good luck to myself for the proceeding time it takes to feel good again. I'm going to move on with my life, and this next step finalizes that for me. Like I said, maybe I'll see you one day..and we can catch up.. I hope you're okay wherever you are.Good luck, my love. Good luck.Dear Austin, I wanted to write you, your own little note. We miss you so much, and you bug your daddy to call us anytime you need. I love you, Karis loves you and we always will. There is still a little bedroom, made up, with your name carved into the wood work. It's okay if you forget though, I know you'll have so many great memories in store. I'll try and keep up my letters to you, one for all those important life events like your wedding day and graduation and the day you will make Tom a grandpa, cause he is gonna tell ya you're making him old.I'm always here buddy, anything you need.